DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?

[allthethings]

This is long. I'd really appreciate some support or an outsiders view- particularly if you've had similar experiences.

DD is in 2nd term of university and doesn't want to be there anymore.

Prior to this, she had a gap year and she lived at home and had a good well paid hospitality job, allowing her to save. It was always an option for her not to go to university so long as she looked for apprenticeships or entry level jobs. In the end she only ever applied for anything I sought for her.

She probably went to university to please us and get us off her back but she didn't have any friends here so we thought she'd only flourish if she started afresh - we knew it could be sink or swim.

She started in September and engaged well with her studies, attended everything, and got some good grades. She said she was enjoying the course. She had to move accommodation but seemed to be making friends and had a few weeks where we thought she was flourishing and her past was behind her. Those, admittedly, were blissful weeks, as it was the first time in 10 or more years I wasn't worried about her. I felt I could think about myself and my life.

I'm lost over how to best help her and distraught that she could drop out and be back how things were last year but with no future prospects and still no hobbies or opportunities to make friends. She has come a long way and coped living independently very well and handled her studies well She's just not able to cope with her discomfort and anxiety and lack of friends.

She's reached out to wellbeing services and will get some counseling and support but she's spiraled in the last week. I need to get her home. The plan is to consider medication for anxiety and get her some proper counseling but try to get her to go back to university as we fear she's not thinking straight and could regret leaving a few weeks down the line. But how likely is this? She's not got a plan of what she'd rather be doing. I think we'd be okay with her dropping out if she at least had some friends here, but she's just going to be stuck at home feeling safe but sad. I can't see her getting an actual job unless I do all the work and I just can't do it anymore.

Or should I push the neurodivergent screening more? Can anxiety disorder present like some aspects of ADHD inattentive or is the anxiety likely an offshoot of ADHD.

Thank you if you read this far. Where's the manual for parenting adult children?!

For background I've always flitted between thinking she had inattentive ADHD, or anxiety. She doesn't exactly fit the full criteria for ADHD so I ruled that out but it always re-emerges. DD has not been interested in pursuing screening so I left it. Maybe she has been coping with anxiety and avoidance all her life. Held up by me and DH, she's coped but at great emotional cost to me.

She's always had friendship struggles. She's liked, but no-ones favourite person to seek out, and she's had hardly a close friend, and when she has, it's been lop-sided and she gives more than she gets.

She gets very anxious about being late, or not knowing where she is going or being lost. She's an anxious driver. She doesn't drink much but does like hanging out with people when given the chance, which isn't so often.

She's no resilience and nothing seems to go her way. We had a big move when she was a pre-schooler and ended up in 3 different nurseries before starting school. I always wondered if we unsettled her and kick started her not feeling safe and secure. The primary school was big and not a good fit. They changed the classes around every year which did not help with securing friends. It was the kind of place mothers who already knew each other orchestrated friendships. She didn't find her people. Secondary school was a rocky start. Just as she was finding some good friends in year 9, COVID hit and everyone reverted to their year 7 friend groups. She spent years 9 and 10 in lockdown. She changed for 6 form and that didn't go well. But again, maybe wrong course and pool of people. The same could be said for her university.

I would push the ADHD screening as you may find the anxiety meds don’t solve the problem. There’s always the option to go back to uni- perhaps all is overwhelming, could DD go to uni close to home so she can live with you? May give her that support she’s needing, for some people it’s just too much the living from home, living in a new place and new uni. I would let her know you are there for her and ask what would help her, support her as much as you can. Good luck OP, ensure she sees her GP for support also

For some people who really struggle with being away from home and who struggle to make friends, the answer is to attend a uni close to home and continue to live at home.

From a student finance point of view, if your daughter is going to drop out of uni, it's important she does so before the end of year 1. If she starts year 2 there will be financial implications with student finance.

Do you have a local uni? I would be discussing with her the possibility of applying via UCAS to that one to start September 2026.

I also feel guilty because I don't really want her to come home, and what sort of mother thinks like that? Although of course I want her to be safe and well and will bring her home. But I'm spent. I've given so much of myself to get her through childhood and adolescence and was just starting to focus on me and my life. Now I know that's going to be postponed further. I feel like I want to run away myself.

I'm a bit confused. As she's so anxious, what has the GP said about medication?

When she was on her gap year at home, did she get some counselling? What did the Counsellor advise?

What hobbies does she have to help her make friends?

If she quits uni, what boundaries will you/she put in place so that she doesn't slip back into no friends, no fun mode ?

If she quits uni, what will she decide to do instead? It needs to be her decision and her research , not yours , imo

Has she been diagnosed with anxiety? Or with anything? Has she had counselling or spoken with a therapist at any point?

You don't want her home because you do everything for her when she's home. You even make decisions for her. That needs to stop

Has she spoken to her tutor about options? If she can finish y1 she may be able to transfer into y2 at a local uni. (I know you have concerns about her coming home but realistically she is going to need to for at least some time, whether as a student or otherwise).

Yes, follow up the ND diagnosis.

Yes, and I pushed that option as option 1 before she decided to move away. Our local university is very low ranking and has a high percentage of mature students so it wasn't a no-brainer for her to stay home and study like it might be for others.

She could actually commute to ger current university. It would be a very long day but she'll still need to be in a better place to engage with peers and staff. At the moment the things she likes are living alone ( she's in a small quiet flat) lectures and studying alone. What she doesn't like are classes, where she feels lonely and too anxious to participate. Living at home would not change those things. But I will offer up the suggestion.

Good counselling asap can make a big difference before she rushes home. Sometimes getting home IS the right thing but sometimes sticking out the next few weeks with support can be the turning point.

It’s very hard OP. Maybe you have been propping her up and she hasn’t been forced to grow up and develop some resilience - but this is very hard to do when you can see her struggling. Try not to beat yourself up, but also develop a little resilience about it yourself and stand back a little.

does she have siblings? wider family?

I do kinda understand where you're coming from with that one. Have some experience myself of a child that was extremely mentally draining to guide through childhood and adolescence.

Be kind to yourself about any negativity you feel about her potentially coming home. You love her but she's hard work and you don't need to feel guilty for yearning for a bit of peace and time to reflect on other things than just her and her problems in navigating life.

That's a shame your local unis is low ranking and more aimed at mature students. That doesn't seem right for her either in that case.

My dd is a bit like this. Exact same age.

She was diagnosed adhd at 17. Medication helped, anti depressants helped further. She’s at our local university. She’s made friends but needs a lot of scaffolding and support from us. It’s exhausting sometimes.

OP when you talk about your daughter’s one sided friendship history combined with the anxiety it makes me think of mine who is on the wait for an ASD assessment. Something to consider. If she IS neurodivergent then understanding herself is key. We’ve found occupational therapy MUCH for effective than talking therapy.

Yes, at 6th form. But no-one was interested as she has never been in crisis. She always did her work, met dead lines, turned up, talked to teachers, had a smile on her face. She got referred to the GP but got generic few weeks of CBT. When she said she was anxious driving they told her to stop driving!

Also DH didn't see it, so I've had to fight him to see it. He just thinks she is immature.

I also thought of ASD based on the description.

This could be Autism or adhd or both or just anxiety

My dd has all 3
She sounds very similar.

Bright but anxious
Never someone s bestie but can make friends
Social time is possible but it exhausting
Sensory issues like hates old food on plates etc

Get her a diagnoses and lots and lots of rest and no pressure

Can she change to a local uni and commute to complete her course. .

When you say no one was interested do you mean the GP didn't prescribe anti anxiety medication? Did you push for this? I'm assuming your daughter wasn't able to advocate for herself

Yes to the scaffolding. Also, if you've not had a child like this, it's hard to understand. She's my youngest so I've had a very different experience with my other DC. I completely understand why people would think I've been overbearing when is all written out but in reality, you go through each life stage with them just trying to help them the best you can, hoping that they'll take over the reigns if you just help them enough. The alternative is them sitting in their room and sinking into depression. If you do nothing as a parent, you then live with the fall out anyway.

What happened in 6th form? Counselling or a diagnosis of anxiety? Is she on anti-anxiety meds?

NHS are useless. If you can afford it go private for diagnosis.

My dd does well on sertraline but her life is still very small but she is happy now. She doesn't get her pains or panic attacks anymore. She will thrive when she feels ready.

Some people have extreme anxiety that will not go by itself and needs to be treated with medication. I would push for something like sertraline which would probably make a huge difference to her. It has gone on too long for it to be cured by a bit of cbt although therapy along side medication would be good. You wouldn’t expect someone with high blood pressure or bipolar not to take medication and for some people with anxiety it is a chemical imbalance and needs treating.

Has she considered joining the Christian union? You do not need to be religious to go, they just do lots of fun events and it’s really easy to make friends there.

I could have written your exact post a year ago. My DD did come home and it nearly broke me, I felt I was drowning in her and the responsibility.
in the end I had a bit of a breakdown as the stress became too much, her father stepped in and I had 5 months to reflect.
coming home was right for my DD but I have had to build my own resilience, sit on my hands when she needs help with work, cooking, encouragement to wash etc and let her be an adult making her own mistakes and learning from the consequences.