DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?

[allthethings]

This is long. I'd really appreciate some support or an outsiders view- particularly if you've had similar experiences.

DD is in 2nd term of university and doesn't want to be there anymore.

Prior to this, she had a gap year and she lived at home and had a good well paid hospitality job, allowing her to save. It was always an option for her not to go to university so long as she looked for apprenticeships or entry level jobs. In the end she only ever applied for anything I sought for her.

She probably went to university to please us and get us off her back but she didn't have any friends here so we thought she'd only flourish if she started afresh - we knew it could be sink or swim.

She started in September and engaged well with her studies, attended everything, and got some good grades. She said she was enjoying the course. She had to move accommodation but seemed to be making friends and had a few weeks where we thought she was flourishing and her past was behind her. Those, admittedly, were blissful weeks, as it was the first time in 10 or more years I wasn't worried about her. I felt I could think about myself and my life.

I'm lost over how to best help her and distraught that she could drop out and be back how things were last year but with no future prospects and still no hobbies or opportunities to make friends. She has come a long way and coped living independently very well and handled her studies well She's just not able to cope with her discomfort and anxiety and lack of friends.

She's reached out to wellbeing services and will get some counseling and support but she's spiraled in the last week. I need to get her home. The plan is to consider medication for anxiety and get her some proper counseling but try to get her to go back to university as we fear she's not thinking straight and could regret leaving a few weeks down the line. But how likely is this? She's not got a plan of what she'd rather be doing. I think we'd be okay with her dropping out if she at least had some friends here, but she's just going to be stuck at home feeling safe but sad. I can't see her getting an actual job unless I do all the work and I just can't do it anymore.

Or should I push the neurodivergent screening more? Can anxiety disorder present like some aspects of ADHD inattentive or is the anxiety likely an offshoot of ADHD.

Thank you if you read this far. Where's the manual for parenting adult children?!

Actually, I do :)

I can relate to how your daughter is feeling. I’m in my 30s now but I found living at university quite difficult. For the first year I came home most weekends then went back to my accommodation in the week. It did get better that way because over time, I made more friends and I liked my course. They were only surface level friendships (we didn’t keep in touch after graduation) but it gave me people to hang around with and talk to. Could your daughter come home for weekends and go back during the week? Is she enjoying her course?

I have often suspected I could have ADHD or ASD for various reasons but haven’t sought a diagnosis. It seems a very long process. I have close family members who are diagnosed as neurodivergent.

These feelings could be related to that as other posters have suggested. Your daughter is still young so it could be worth looking into.

Right to Choose took 2 years for me (at age 41 so much older than your DD) The subsequent ADHD diagnosis was ten years after starting ADs for anxiety (apparently LOADS of women diagnosed ADHD later in life are previously diagnosed as anxious which should be no surprise really)

Yes the ADHD diagnosis helped me accept myself and seek advice about how to be cultivate my newly diagnosed ADHD skills. However, I was already on a path of improvement with the ADs and psychotherapy (CBT has never really worked for me) so by the time I got my diagnosis, I was in a much better place anyways.

Are you bringing her home for the weekend currently? That would be my starting point. Realise it may not be ideal financially but I would start with this scaffolding. Would aim to get lots of healthy foods and vitamins and fresh air walks into her on the weekends.

A lot of what you said was linked to you and your feelings - ‘she went to uni to please you’ ‘you are worried she will have no prospects’

This has obviously been really tough for you as well as DD, but it isn’t the end of the world. My son dropped out after term 2 - he hated it, was really depressed and very unhappy. He came home, got support and is now in an amazing job - travelled all over the far east last year (his job gave him a travelling sabbatical), canada, europe etc - he earns well and has many opportunities to learn new skills and progress. Plus he has a new group of friends!!

It’s been the making of him tbh - uni may be back on the cards in the next year or two, but we will see. Uni is not for everyone and your DD needs to get well and then look at how she wants to move forward- but she needs to do this without influence.

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

You could be describing my middle DS. Never had close friends, anxiety and depression from about 16 and dropped out of uni. To be honest we just supported him the best we could with a few hard years before he found a job he loved, met his lovely girlfriend and moved in either her. He’s still a bit of a loner but more confident with it and is happy. Work are sending him to uni which he’s enjoying.
sometimes people take longer to find their way in life and all you can do is support your DD and hopefully she will too.
I’ve no real advice but just know you aren’t alone and nor is there anything “wrong” with your DD

What a load of self-righteous judgemental nonsense.

If you think that 20 years ago every person your age was living like that, feeling like that, or as reckless as that then you are on another planet.

It is amazing that people who hold themselves out as so worldly wise can have so little insight into the fact that their personal life experiences are not the universal rule.

Aw thank you so much. This is so helpful.

My DD is lovely too. All our friends and family think she is. Me and DH and siblings are the only ones who see her other side. I think we're all guilty of trying to solve her and fit a square peg into a round hole. And she herself has tried to do that. Not every young person is open to admitting they have problems or feel different. Some are striving so hard to fit in.

I actually think I've been looking for people to tell me it's okay to let her leave university and I don't have to keep striving on her behalf. I think because other people don't see it, I'm aware that others might judge and think we're pushover parents.

Nail on the head.

My daughter lasted 6 weeks -she realised it just wasn’t for her. She came back home and took an apprenticeship. She now has a full time job doing something she loves, no uni debt and has just moved out and bought her first house. She has never been happier and that is all that matters to us.

You wouldn’t be ‘letting’ her do it though would you? It would be a decision that she was making as an adult. Thats the position you need to move to isn’t it? Other people can say what they want but you are not responsible for her decisions. You can try to help her but ultimately this is the stage where it’s her life and she can do stuff that you disagree with.

What you are responsible for is the support that you offer and that’s where you need to decide how much you can give financially, practically and emotionally. It would be OK to offer less support for decisions that you don’t think are in her best interests but ultimately she does need to own her decisions now. Not making a decision is in fact a decision for the status quo.

When my own young adult DD was struggling to decide what to do with her life we discussed the options and the pros and cons and I told her what she could expect from me on each one and what she couldn’t. Basically she could choose to go to uni or she could choose to get a job/ apprenticeship and I would financially and practically support either of those options to an equal degree but what I would not support would be staying at home doing nothing. She was still able to make that choice but I would not pay an allowance, her phone bill etc etc and I would ask for money for food/ board after 3 months because I did not consider it in her best interests for me to support that choice and I have a right to decide what to do with my own resources.

Initially it was frustrating as she made no decisions and left it to the very last minute. It was a horrible time and I definitely felt I had failed as a parent and that she would be stuck at home forever making nothing of her life but I stuck to the line that I informed her once only of the deadline to ensure she was aware and then I left her to it. She did in the end get a job right before the allowance stop deadline and she decided to go to uni and will be going this autumn and we’ll see how it goes. When she asked for my help with UCAS application etc I gave it but I stopped ‘reminding’ aka nagging her to do stuff/ taking to Open Days/ looking up info myself as I realised that although it was well intentioned it was probably me pushing my own agenda too much. It is genuinely true that I would support her to stay home and get a job too (her boyfriend is takIng that route and I am happy for him and can see the pros of not having debt) but just not to do nothing at all as I have seen the casualties of that too much in my job.

Your DD sounds a bit like the person I was when I went to uni. I am now diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Finished it, was miserable and didn't do that well. I don't recall my parents propping me up that much as times were different but I know they worried at times.

From what you've said, she doesn't know who she is and what she wants, maybe low self esteem? I always used to get very anxious in tutorials because I saw all these people who appeared very confident and I felt so anxious at the way I'd be perceived that I felt like I just wanted to be invisible. I hadn't worked out that for many people its a bit of an act, I thought they all presented their true selves and they all had it together.

What I would say is, self diagnosis is valid whilst waiting for an assesment. The diagnosis itself isn't a fix but helps in some ways but you don't need it to start looking at coping stratergies. Do any of the societies have an online presence that she could possibly explore, I can imagine that might be more comfortable than just showing up? Divulging the anxiety can sometimes help, people are often kind of will relate. Friendship is a funny thing, once you have one or two that are more than good acquaintances I find that others follow as the anxiety eases a bit.

Would also consider paying privately for a therapist who is experienced with neurodivergence and anxiety as this may help her reframe. CBT isn't always a great fit for neurodivergant people.

Also, admitting uni is not a great fit is fine. Shes still very young. But I think you need to find a way of giving her a nudge while she does stuff herself as the feeling of accomplishment and self worth is tricky if you've done the leg work

My ASD girl says 'I don't know' to most things, that really stuck out in your comments. She does sound a lot like my girl. Have you asked her if she thinks she may have ASD or ADHD, when I told my girl I thought she had ASD she had a lightbulb moment and said 'oh that explains everything'. Understanding herself has been the most positive thing for her.
TBH the counselling the NHS provide is crap and CBT doesn't work on ND people. You need to find a good therapist that has experience with ND people, my girl sees one now and it's been brilliant, she still has a lot of issues and is currently really struggling with college, we have just paid for an ASD assessment to open up more support for her there. My girl likely has ADHD to, suggested by both her counsellor and at the assessment. Have a look at The Autistic Girls Network website for more info to see if it fits, ASD presents very differently in girls to the expected norms.
Right To Choose is a good option but check your area as funding has been suspended in a lot of places including ours, so it may still be a long wait.

Leaving aside MH or ND issues, it's very, very common to realise uni isn't for you and drop out. I did my degree 30 years ago and it was common then. My brother dropped out after a year, got a job, moved quickly up the ranks and ended up with his own business and is a multi millionaire. University isn't for everyone, there no shame in leaving and noone is going to be thinking any less of you or thinking youre a pushover parentfor your daughter coming home. Her wellbeing is the most important thing.

What is her degree? Is it directly related to a future career? Does she know what she wants to do?

You need to stop rescuing her. Shes becoming dependent on you and will never fully launch into adult life if things continue this way. This is what happened with my brother. We all have to manage horrible feelings like anxiety its a part of life. How would she respond to being told she has to stick it out? Can you encourage her to join any clubs or societies?

TBH the counselling the NHS provide is crap and CBT doesn't work on ND people

Please dont make blanket, incorrect statements like that as it may prevent people getting appropriate help. My dd has ADHD and CBT was amazing for her. More or less completely eradicated severe OCD and intrusive thoughts. It was life changing. I've read previously that many autistic people find it hard to engage with CBT but it's definitely not the case that it doesnt work for all ND

OP my heart goes out to you. One of my daughters had very similar issues, admittedly when she was doing her GCSEs. She went from being very outgoing and having loads of friends to being very isolated, and refusing to go to school.
its a very long story, but basically she was diagnosed with autism and started on some medication, along with support from mental health services- way more complicated than that but that summarises it.
she is now doing amazing- she has a lovely friendship group, has just passed her driving test, is thriving at college and very excited about going to uni.
i suspect your daughter may be autistic- girls are v different from boys and will mask very well to fit in.
my advice would be to get her some support, and consider an autism assessment- it really helped my daughter because it helped her understand why she feels different to other people.
regarding uni,

I know someone who really struggled to settle in for the first eighteen months at least, then it just seemed to click into place. A few year’s after graduation they’re still in the same area, never moving back home.

Maybe it’s time for some tough love?

I wouldnt let her come home - she will do nothing and turn into one of those 30 years old still living with their parents who has anxiety over every basic life task.

Tell her if she returns home, she will be getting a job and paying rent and there is no wifi until that happens (except for job searching). Let me guess - she spends a lot of time online?

What about Open University then

Just to give you hope, OP. My DD took a year out through what we now know was autistic burn out. She came home, got a temp job so she wasn’t sitting around brooding, and unwound. The difference in her once home was miraculous. She was able to go back and complete her degree a year later.

There have been subsequent periods of burnout, all of which she’s managed by taking annual leave or giving herself a planned break between jobs.

It is manageable, but just to be aware stress exacerbates these episodes.

OP it is absolutely ok for her to leave university - the most important thing is her health, mental and otherwise.

Mental health is the often cited as the biggest killer in this age range. You wouldn't be advised to give her a bit of tough love if she had a serious physical illness.

Re paying, I paid because the waiting list was two years where we live, for both a private psychiatrist and following on from that a clinical psychologist.

Someone cautioned against antidepressant withdrawal - that really isn't something you need to worry about right now, that is a clinician's job and if medication is required to restore her health, well you wouldn't refuse medication for a serious physical illness would you?

You will need to advocate for her and care for her, just like you would do for any other illness, yes it can be relentless, but with the right help and intervention she will be ok.

The bias shown in some of these responses is staggering.

OP, have you explored her suspending study? This stops the clock so she isn't expected to be attending, doing assignments and so on, but gives her the option to go back and resume later. This would be a good option rather than immediately dropping out. She could take a year to work, get counselling and see how she feels.

Someone cautioned against antidepressant withdrawal - that really isn't something you need to worry about right now, that is a clinician's job and if medication is required to restore her health, well you wouldn't refuse medication for a serious physical illness would you?

That was me, and it’s because I have very real experience with my own DD. I’m not saying don’t take meds, just beware of long term use.

I’m afraid our experience has shown us how little most clinicians actually know about withdrawal from ADs though they are just beginning to cotton on.