DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?

[allthethings]

This is long. I'd really appreciate some support or an outsiders view- particularly if you've had similar experiences.

DD is in 2nd term of university and doesn't want to be there anymore.

Prior to this, she had a gap year and she lived at home and had a good well paid hospitality job, allowing her to save. It was always an option for her not to go to university so long as she looked for apprenticeships or entry level jobs. In the end she only ever applied for anything I sought for her.

She probably went to university to please us and get us off her back but she didn't have any friends here so we thought she'd only flourish if she started afresh - we knew it could be sink or swim.

She started in September and engaged well with her studies, attended everything, and got some good grades. She said she was enjoying the course. She had to move accommodation but seemed to be making friends and had a few weeks where we thought she was flourishing and her past was behind her. Those, admittedly, were blissful weeks, as it was the first time in 10 or more years I wasn't worried about her. I felt I could think about myself and my life.

I'm lost over how to best help her and distraught that she could drop out and be back how things were last year but with no future prospects and still no hobbies or opportunities to make friends. She has come a long way and coped living independently very well and handled her studies well She's just not able to cope with her discomfort and anxiety and lack of friends.

She's reached out to wellbeing services and will get some counseling and support but she's spiraled in the last week. I need to get her home. The plan is to consider medication for anxiety and get her some proper counseling but try to get her to go back to university as we fear she's not thinking straight and could regret leaving a few weeks down the line. But how likely is this? She's not got a plan of what she'd rather be doing. I think we'd be okay with her dropping out if she at least had some friends here, but she's just going to be stuck at home feeling safe but sad. I can't see her getting an actual job unless I do all the work and I just can't do it anymore.

Or should I push the neurodivergent screening more? Can anxiety disorder present like some aspects of ADHD inattentive or is the anxiety likely an offshoot of ADHD.

Thank you if you read this far. Where's the manual for parenting adult children?!

RTFT. She's already home.

Mine has similar. Can't stand touching plates that's got someone else's leftovers on them. Fine with her own. Doesn't like big crowds, noisy parties.

I’ve only skim read so I’m really sorry if I’ve missed something. DD is autistic and at uni. She really struggled to make friends and felt very “wrong” and lonely. For her the big change around came after joining a society and throwing herself into it by getting on the committee. We also got her an excellent counsellor who has turned things around no end. But the society is where it has happened. She picked something that suited her sensory seeking profile and it has become an obsession/special interest. The best part is because it is so sensory seeking a lot of others also are ND and equally as obsessive. The counsellor has helped her reframe issues too along the way.

The second aspect is my need to save her which I recognise in your posts too. I had to stop feeding that need and step back a lot to achieve these changes. She had to start taking responsibility for her own issues - with her counsellor of course, that has been absolutely fundamental too. Best of luck I hope your DD finds her path.

Doesn't sound like ADHD. Much more likely to be autism, if you want to pick one, but people seem keener to have ADHD than autism.

Can anyone advise next steps? How does she approach the GP? (with my support of course, or I'll do it for her if she asks) Do we just ask for a referral, does the GP do any screening? Or does she just start out talking about her low mood and anxiety and leave the possible ND for another day.

It would have been easier to do this with the university GP as I am sure this is much more commonly seen by them. But she's home now and will have to re-register with our home GP.

It's looking most like she's going to apply to suspend her studies, just incase she decides to go back. We will pay for some counseling for her to support low self esteem and anxiety, hopefully through a ND sensitive view. She'll return to her hospitality job, doing fewer hours. I've read some things on autistic burnout and that could fit. She's permanently exhausted, so perhaps fewer days working, when she's ready, until she can get to a better place.

I'd like to thank everyone on this thread. So many of you gave been especially kind - like the old Mumsnet. Your posts have enlightened me and made me feel less alone.

Yes, having read up on autistic burnout, I can see the traits I thought were ADHD could actually be attributed to that.

Well done @allthethings .

We just made an appointment with our family GP. We made a list together and I sat in the waiting room (DC wanted to go in alone). DC emerged 40 minutes later with a referral for an assessment and to psychiatry, they were under 18 at the time so GP not allowed to prescribe ADs.

The referral times were huge so I found a private adolescent psychiatrist who did everything, assessment, diagnosis, prescribed medication and referred on to a clinical psychologist.

Put it all on the table. The GP won't do a ND assessment but will refer on.

With our DD, we just laid it all out to the GP – the excoriation, the struggling with school, the sensory issues. Let your DD speak though, even if it's a struggle for her. The GP needs to hear from her how bad she's feeling. From there, we got a referral to CAMHs, with the caveat that it may take a few months and we may want to access private therapy in the meantime. Luckily – or unluckily, given how low DD was – the referral came through quickly because they could see there was an urgent need.

I'm glad you've found the thread useful. Your DD might not realise it now, but she's so lucky she's got you advocating for her.

I was talking to DH about this yesterday.’
DS is in his final year - he has MH issues but is very clever and doing a tough degree which he’s excelling at and likes - obviously it’s all ramping up now and it’s taking its toll on him mentally. He rang at 10.40pm last night to talk to me. I was still up and we mainly just chatted about random stuff but it put me in a sad mood - you are right, it’s draining and exhausting.
Afterwards DH and I were saying ‘in our day’ you’d just have to go to the phone box (you wouldn’t do that at 10.40pm - my mum would’ve been asleep! ). Only in my third year - early 90s - we could make outgoing calls from our house phone.
I think I only rang my mum once in 3 years because I was feeling shite about something. Obviously I rang her once a week or so and we wrote letters.

Yes, my dd is also permanently exhausted.
You could go directly to the GP and ask for Propranolol/ ADs and ask to go on the list to be assessed for ASD. Or you could approach a private psychiatrist. Or just get lots of books/ information and read up on it and not bother with the formal diagnosis. It's not like with Adhd where you would need a diagnosis to get the meds. There are no specific meds for autism, it's trial and error with ADs, Propranolol and therapy. And just having a greater understanding of it so that you can then understand yourself more and not beat yourself up for being a certain way; recognising that you will need more rest to recover etc.

Op you asked about next steps?

We took the same approach as Passingthrough123

I would advise preparing this appointment very carefully as some GPs are more sympathetic (and knowledgeable about ASD, especially how it manifests in females) than others. Also you need to be very clear about your goals.

In your DD’s case I presume you want to end up with a referral for an autism assessment and any documentation or sick note (this is called a FIT note if you are in England I believe) needed for the university as evidence to suspend studies? It’s a vital piece of paper.

Plus to discuss beta blocks or anxiety meds? (Or talking therapies in general, although the latter sometimes is not helpful for people who are ND for reasons you can research yourself, ditto ads.) I should add that my autistic dd did actually respond well to the second AD she was prescribed.

Discuss current length of time in your area for assessments and mention the urgency of this one. Discuss potentially going private route if deadline too long,

So ask for a double appointment and write a little script in advance with bullet points. I would definitely advise going in with your dd to support her too if she is open to that.

Bring with you a list of symptoms or traits which evidence how your dd has been suffering and how they have impacted on her daily life, specifically her university studies, eg sensory overwhelm in lectures or during projectwork, difficulty navigating social aspects of uni life and what did that look like in reality eg not being able to go out for a daily walk, high anxiety, depression, anxiety about travelling on bus and trains etc. Food and eating sensitivities or whatever. This will help form the basis of the FIT letter.

Your dd should be specific about experiences she has had throughout her life (for autism to he considered and diagnosed they have to prove difficulties from childhood) but also very important to provide dates as to when she first started experiencing difficulties at university and again when her mh deteriorated to such a point that she had to leave and why.

Your dd could also consider completing the AQ10 (Autism Quotient) screening test beforehand and bring the results to show the doctor.

Imho you have to handle this carefully depending on each gp. Some are fine if you go in saying “I have just dropped out of university owing to severe anxiety and what we believe to be autistic burnout so we would appreciate your help navigating this please”

But some GPs will stop you at that point and say “go back to the beginning and tell me your symptoms” as they don’t like patients diagnosing themselves.

You have to play it by ear which can be difficult when you are highly anxious. Mad though it seems, dd and I did a little role play in advance to practice as a lot was depending on the appointment.

And maybe ring the university in advance of your gp appointment to ask exactly what documents they need from GP (FIT letter etc) in order to suspend your DD’s studies?

Hope it goes well op and hope you are holding up too 💐

I hate the postcode lottery that is the NHS, it makes me really cross. I paid for treatment for my DC, self harming and suicidal ideation because the only way the system where we live could make room for them was if they actually damaged themselves and needed emergency treatment

I paid but always think about people who aren’t in a position to do that, what happens to those young people?

Does anyone have any recommended books or websites or social media accounts that I can offer DD so she herself can explore how she feels about ND and what she wants to do?

We're definitely looking for counseling through a ND perspective and suggesting she gets beta blockers for any arising situations.

She's on the fence about other medication since she's now out of the stressful situation and not feeling distressed or depressed at this current time.

Exactly. I also spent a year abroad as part of my university course. I wouldn’t have brought it up here though! Everybody’s journey is different and it’s just not relevant to this post.

Student servcies were best support for DD1 - - there were various support groups and services they had or knew of. They may deal with your DD if she still a student at uni even if she home - but what the offer varies between uni.

Though like previous poster the turning point was more joining a society but she tried a few before that and was close to giving up on them and being lonely but she went along - half of it people from her course many of who are ND and half not and bit she likes is very much hobbies/interest she had before. Given the shear effort it took to get her and DS to try things in childhood and keep at them I'm pleased both have joined things at uni.

There quite a few books out there - but not read many myself so can't recommend.

Just a thought too, I had a relative who enjoyed the course but couldn’t stay away from home. They commuted for lectures - not ideal as two hours away but it did work for them.

She does sound quite immature, but that doesn't mean she isn't struggling. One doesn't cancel the other out.
Coming home and doing nothing is not an option. She needs to engage with the counselling, try to find something she enjoys doing to meet people and admit to her personal tutor she is finding adapting to university life hard. They will have seen it all before.
It sounds like you have done pretty much everything for her!

Yes, it sounds like that. The reality is a lot of both. Pushing her to tough things out, hoping that something would click and she'd find her own way.... but also us stepping in to support when she's had a meltdown and not been able to do the thing that her peers have been able to with ease. All the while, she's making small steps forward and sometimes backwards, all at great cost to her wellbeing.

No-one would know, as these struggles mostly go in behind closed doors. What this 'doing it all' can look like is us encouraging her to get a part time job. But it's a fair drive away. She's in panic mode and we spend time driving the route with her and plotting the easiest journey. If we didn't do that, she wouldn't get in the car on day one and go to the job. If we were doing everything for her, we'd taxi her there every time. Eventually, she gets a bit more confident about driving to work but it's always a thing she's more anxious over than others.

So yes, we do a lot for her but we're not enabling her to sit and do nothing with her life if that is what you are getting at

No-one would know, as these struggles mostly go in behind closed doors. What this 'doing it all' can look like is us encouraging her to get a part time job. But it's a fair drive away. She's in panic mode and we spend time driving the route with her and plotting the easiest journey. If we didn't do that, she wouldn't get in the car on day one and go to the job. If we were doing everything for her, we'd taxi her there every time. Eventually, she gets a bit more confident about driving to work but it's always a thing she's more anxious over than others.

I'd frame that as support/scaffolding and yes while we don't drive I do recognise that - and for our DC they've pretty much managed with that to manage at uni.

So they'd now plan out the route and time it themsleves after years of above of us handholding.

DS walked the route in to his uni department with us and I timed during weekend we dropped off - and I then encouraged him to do it himself next day before he had to do it on Monday and be there at set time. DD1 had week before start to fit those things in in her first year and was happy enough to do it herself. Most kids would just do that ours still need a push to plan so they can get there when needed - to take some of the uncertainlty out of new situation.

So I don't think that approach is wrong - it's just not been enough yet for your DD at uni and that may be the uni approach to her not being a good fit as just her or just bad luck.

Commuting into Uni is getting more common DN boyfriend lives at home and commutes in 2 days a week to London course - he NT and it's cost driven but it may be an option for her going forward.

I know both DD1 and DS have found it very hard with other students in shared accomodation despite the accomodation being well built and other students nice - both have opted for bedsits in private student blocks post yr 1 - which they are lucky to be able to afford.

The OU is also an option - so she can get the degree and work p/t at home. So this doesnlt mean she be able to get a degree in future just a minor set back and regrouping for you all.

Itsemilykaty on Instagram.

She's a young woman who is autistic and written a book called Girl Unmasked - I've not read the book but her instagram page might be useful to your dd.

If you have been worried about her for 10 + years why suggest/agree/ push for her to go to University. She was working, earning, happy. Why wasn’t that enough?

Read my other posts. She wasn't particularly happy and the job is seasonal.

Could she go to a uni near you so she could still live at home.

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that I think your DD should be applauded for trying to do things that are difficult for her...driving when it causes her so much anxiety. Some people just wouldn't have bothered learning - or if they did - avoided driving / given up. She tries her best despite how uncomfortable she finds it. I think that shows a lot of resilience.

And she must have known that Uni would be a really big challenge for her but she's given it a shot nonetheless. Maybe it won't work out - but she has tried and I think that is something to be proud of and bodes well for the future that she has that in her character.

Ps. If it's any comfort I don't suffer with anxiety but I hated my first term at Uni (well a lot of my first year actually). Was in tears a lot of the time, isolated myself a bit and thought about dropping out. It got better in the second and third years. I think the first year at Uni can just be really hard.

Your post reads very familiar to the situation with our daughter, but mainly because she didn’t gel with her flatmates.
we agreed a compromise, whereby because she doesn’t have lectures on Fridays she heads home Friday afternoon most weeks and has Friday night dinner at home with us and the dogs!! It costs us a bit more with train fares (we fund them because we can) but means she copes better when she heads back on Saturday or Sunday, knowing she can come home if she wants to. She FaceTimes us most days and that’s fine. But we encouraged her to join a gym, and some societies and slowly she is making a wider circle of friends and settling. This second term of first year, she is going to try coming home every fortnight instead of every week. Try to encourage her. Try to help her to learn how to stay with baby steps and a comfort blanket. It needs time and perseverance but your role is to stand firm with kindness.