DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?

[allthethings]

This is long. I'd really appreciate some support or an outsiders view- particularly if you've had similar experiences.

DD is in 2nd term of university and doesn't want to be there anymore.

Prior to this, she had a gap year and she lived at home and had a good well paid hospitality job, allowing her to save. It was always an option for her not to go to university so long as she looked for apprenticeships or entry level jobs. In the end she only ever applied for anything I sought for her.

She probably went to university to please us and get us off her back but she didn't have any friends here so we thought she'd only flourish if she started afresh - we knew it could be sink or swim.

She started in September and engaged well with her studies, attended everything, and got some good grades. She said she was enjoying the course. She had to move accommodation but seemed to be making friends and had a few weeks where we thought she was flourishing and her past was behind her. Those, admittedly, were blissful weeks, as it was the first time in 10 or more years I wasn't worried about her. I felt I could think about myself and my life.

I'm lost over how to best help her and distraught that she could drop out and be back how things were last year but with no future prospects and still no hobbies or opportunities to make friends. She has come a long way and coped living independently very well and handled her studies well She's just not able to cope with her discomfort and anxiety and lack of friends.

She's reached out to wellbeing services and will get some counseling and support but she's spiraled in the last week. I need to get her home. The plan is to consider medication for anxiety and get her some proper counseling but try to get her to go back to university as we fear she's not thinking straight and could regret leaving a few weeks down the line. But how likely is this? She's not got a plan of what she'd rather be doing. I think we'd be okay with her dropping out if she at least had some friends here, but she's just going to be stuck at home feeling safe but sad. I can't see her getting an actual job unless I do all the work and I just can't do it anymore.

Or should I push the neurodivergent screening more? Can anxiety disorder present like some aspects of ADHD inattentive or is the anxiety likely an offshoot of ADHD.

Thank you if you read this far. Where's the manual for parenting adult children?!

Yes, I can see your point, and that is the thinking that led me to start this thread.

She won't join societies and she won't stick at any kind of activity that she could do herself. She was on a beautiful campus and wouldn't even have a daily walk. She's so stuck in her own head.

I said she likes her subject but I think she thinks she is not good at studying and not able to do it. I thought she was doing well with her organisation and learning but it must have come at huge cost. The degree doesn't point to any specific career path and she didn't have one in mind so, in her eyes, she's not throwing any imagined future way. I don't think she has an imagined future.

Yes, that was my experience too except I went pre email and mobile phones and had to rely on one paper letter and phonecall to make arrangements to be met. Does my experience trump yours?!

I also have met people my age late in life who went to university and had to move home to study because they couldn't cope living away from home. It's not a uniquely now problem.

Plenty of young people nowadays go abroad and don't require any input from their parents.

It's not as black and white.

That is something I have put to her - that she might feel more supported by the university services than she is going to be solely through the GP.

Yes, I'm close enough to go to her.

She is home now, with stuff for a week or so, no final decisions have been made. Just the next step, to contact the GP and find counseling. And consider pursuing ND assessment.

She won't be unemployed as she can go back to her job in a few months, although I'll initially encourage her to do fewer hours so she's fine to focus on counselling and other things.

@allthethings perhaps you need to get some counselling so you can explore your own difficulties regarding her emotional struggles. You need to find a way to have your own life going forward regardless of what your daughter is going through.

Brilliant. I'm so happy that your DD is going to get the help and medication that she needs. ❤️🥰

Once she has the medication, counselling and diagnosis that she needs, she'll be able to view life very differently 🥰❤️

i would advise going back and contacting student counselling, at least give it a chance

the diagnosis will take forever and she still has to live

I will pursue some counselling for me. I can probably get some sessions through work.

Another point to consider - what were the difficulties that you spotted before which made you question if she's potentially ND? Transitions and changes can make these more noticeable, just because these can be hard for anyone.

A friend used to work in student support services. For some reason, more and more young people seem unprepared and unable to cope with studies, demands, independance of studying and living on own. They just don't seem ready, and universities do not have resources to support them to the level they need - but I feel tis is not really their role either... The mental health pattern you're describing ( cope for a bit and struggle later in the year) is not unusual.

Could you spend some time with her at her university? Go up on Saturdays. I did this for a while with my daughter. Just so she has the familiarity of you in her surroundings. I also think there’s merit in what a PP said about cajoling her just about the next step. Get through this term. Get through the next etc. my daughter was determined to leave at the end of the first year but when she received good results decided to stay.

What do you mean by has to live?

How long are people waiting for assessments via the right to choose route?

How much difference might counseling and anxiety medication (SSRI and beta blockers) make in the short-term? If you have experience of that - while waiting for an assessment.

Might she feel 'better' ( more able to cope and clear thinking) in a few months and regret if she drops out? That's my fear.

right to chose is a good point op, much better waiting list for this.
speak to uni,
perhaps she can put it on hold, restart?

Will you pay for a ND diagnosis?

The SSRIs can work very quickly. My neice felt much more able to cope after a month

The uni situation can be worked out. Don't stress about that. Get her feeling more able to cope first

This means that regardless of a diagnosis or not, some difficulties may remain and she'll need to learn to live with them. But it's likely to take time. You described over 10 years of concerns - this is a long time, and you said she's the youngest of siblings, so you have experience of parenting other teenagers to compare to.

Also, any treatment, or assessment - is your daughter on board with them?

No one will he able to tell you what will happen in the future. She might. She might not. I'd make decisions based on what you know now - not on hypothetical scenarios.

@TheLadyWithoutTheLamp I would pay if there's urgency and she decides not to leave. Otherwise if sheb decides to leave I'll put counseling in place and anxiety meds and see how long the right to choose option would be for assessment.

It sounds like I'm looking for a quick fix. I'm not expecting that, or thinking of her needing to be fixed.

This period post Christmas is notorious for students feeling down, missing family and friends.

And someone with existing problems will feel it worse.

Doe her uni have terms or semesters? If she can stick it out until the end of the term / semester she will have achieved something towards a degree whether she goes back to where she is now or to another institution.

Let her come home. The time isn’t right for her. My DD says she would have enjoyed uni much more if she’d gone five years later.

Be careful with anxiety meds or ADs. Treat medication as a short term solution to get her back on track. Believe me you do not want to be dealing with withdrawal from long term ADs.

OP,
I really feel for you as I have a very similar DD who is AuDHD.
If she were at uni now, this is exactly what I would be posting.
I wish I could say diagnosis. Medication, therapy, DBT all works instantly..from my experience (maybe we are unlucky), it doesn't.
Medication takes ages to titrate, it is quite hard to find the right therapist and for them to open up, DBT is great but only if they practice the techniques every single day and apply it...
So, it all takes time and patience and not the instant fix we parents would like.
I would be driven by your DD. Ask her what she wants to do? Does she want to quit completely or would she like to commute from home?
I know she most likely would say 'i don't know' ( as mine would).
If so, she probably is in burn out and you can do nothing but give her time and space.
It is really a very difficult thing to have to go through
You are not alone when you say you don't want her back home.
I feel the same many times and DD is still home. It's not them we don't want, it's the unwanted guest that comes along with them, the poor MH. Give it a name, I call mine Margaret (after moody Margaret). When ever I feel like this, I say to myself, I don't want to deal with Margaret...
Helps sometimes..
Big hugs..the storm will pass.
Xx

Aww I really feel for her. Prioritise getting her feeling safe and well first. Medication can be helpful. Could she go back to the hospitality job? What is she studying at uni? There are so many options for young people now. She could defer her second year at uni. If she decides to quit, you could talk through all her options together, maybe with a careers advisor, and find something that she can pursue from home. You’re a parent and once her life is back on track and she’s feeling more secure, then you can take more time to relax.

Well here's your answer, you have been her prop throughout her childhood and she finds it hard to stand on her own 2 feet. It happens. Life's not perfect for everyone. Someone else suggested this, maybe a uni closer to home and her staying home might help in this situation until she finds her feet to stand up by herself. Offer accomodation / love & support but try to consider her as an adult with freedoms and responsibilities and choices & consequences. Otherwise she will rely on you for a very long time.

I can totally relate. And to all of your feelings. it’s exhausting and if others have children that just sail through the life stages then good for you but don’t judge others who are struggling. OP - I’d let her come home. I encouraged mine to stay, he failed the first year and insisted on trying again. He was told to leave after the first term of the second year. On paper more than capable but it just wasn’t for him. He came home and I had a very heavy heart. He did move out at 21 but they were the hardest years of my life. Now has a steady job, not many friends but he gets by. Is 27. I’d push for a diagnosis so you know what you’re dealing with - it makes a way forward a bit clearer. And your feelings are valid, do whatever you need to take time for yourself.

@Fireflybaby do you have experience of parenting a child who is ND with anxiety and possible mental health issues?

Let her leave, my son dropped out 3 years into a 4 year course. Best thing he did, for his mental health.
Support her, don't say what if...