DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?

[allthethings]

This is long. I'd really appreciate some support or an outsiders view- particularly if you've had similar experiences.

DD is in 2nd term of university and doesn't want to be there anymore.

Prior to this, she had a gap year and she lived at home and had a good well paid hospitality job, allowing her to save. It was always an option for her not to go to university so long as she looked for apprenticeships or entry level jobs. In the end she only ever applied for anything I sought for her.

She probably went to university to please us and get us off her back but she didn't have any friends here so we thought she'd only flourish if she started afresh - we knew it could be sink or swim.

She started in September and engaged well with her studies, attended everything, and got some good grades. She said she was enjoying the course. She had to move accommodation but seemed to be making friends and had a few weeks where we thought she was flourishing and her past was behind her. Those, admittedly, were blissful weeks, as it was the first time in 10 or more years I wasn't worried about her. I felt I could think about myself and my life.

I'm lost over how to best help her and distraught that she could drop out and be back how things were last year but with no future prospects and still no hobbies or opportunities to make friends. She has come a long way and coped living independently very well and handled her studies well She's just not able to cope with her discomfort and anxiety and lack of friends.

She's reached out to wellbeing services and will get some counseling and support but she's spiraled in the last week. I need to get her home. The plan is to consider medication for anxiety and get her some proper counseling but try to get her to go back to university as we fear she's not thinking straight and could regret leaving a few weeks down the line. But how likely is this? She's not got a plan of what she'd rather be doing. I think we'd be okay with her dropping out if she at least had some friends here, but she's just going to be stuck at home feeling safe but sad. I can't see her getting an actual job unless I do all the work and I just can't do it anymore.

Or should I push the neurodivergent screening more? Can anxiety disorder present like some aspects of ADHD inattentive or is the anxiety likely an offshoot of ADHD.

Thank you if you read this far. Where's the manual for parenting adult children?!

Very familiar situation here too. DD stuck out uni for a year but was absolutely miserable, made no friends and struggled with the academic work because she was so unhappy she was unable to focus.

Fast forward two years: she has a 9-5 local office based job that she absolutely loves, she is studying for an online degree with the University of Essex (she works 4 days a week to give herself more time for studying), she has joined a choir with me and she has just started sessions with a therapist to help her with social anxiety and the symptoms of what she, I and the therapist suspect is autism.

She still doesn’t have any friends - very similar story to the one the OP described- but she has a long-term, long-distance boyfriend and she is making small, incremental steps towards the point where she might be able to build a social network.

It’s been a long haul for her but I believe that she is in a much better place now than she would have been had she stayed at uni.

I would start with the job: DD has benefitted enormously from the structure, purpose and lateral sociability of an office-based job.

100% agree. I’ve had my fair share of worry about my 18 year dd who currently only has GCSEs and has been out of education/work for 2 years. No sign yet of her moving forward.

I too was dependent on her happiness/mood/successes for my own happiness until I started to realise how enmeshed I was which isn’t healthy. I’ve now taken a step back and get joy from life from my work, friends, hobbies and relationships.

This is an excellent book -

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cope-When-Your-Child-Cant-ebook/dp/B0962XFG2J/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3RLERYDAC57CG&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.bWL9g_HsmyOIsxlKS43fs28dQf7IXK53mBTAJONLmKTP8Tnr5vTlVVHfWlOrbS8JSZV5EKP_6dpIq2__ZHmA8yI_C_jj7MjE3C1xZp1d1NY.1yPsQR5Sn9MNfqcVdhSBpT1KzlriZzE_7qsuSibJi4w&dib_tag=se&keywords=how+to+cope+when+your+child+can%27t&qid=1769125177&sprefix=How+to+cope+%2Caps%2C125&sr=8-1

@allthethings I have been on a similar thread but for teens for many years and my DC is now around the same age as yours. In fact I recognise some of the usernames on here, I have changed mine. I relate to a lot of what you are saying although mine is probably a little more down the journey than yours. They were diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Anxiety a month or two after their 18th birthday and are on medication for the ADHD. They masked heavily at secondary school which resulted in exhaustion, incredibly low mood and self harm. Although the school would have had no idea they were so good at masking. They did extremely well academically because their anxiety and need for perfection makes them work ridiculously hard but of course it comes at a cost. Things did improve with the medication and diagnosis. Counselling was okay but not as helpful as I had hoped. I think what actually helped the most when things felt impossible and never ending was reading the book - Never let go by Suzanne Alderson. There is also some YouTube videos which you can watch before committing to the book. I found them really useful and also comforting and helped me to approach my child's struggles with more respect rather than always trying to solve them. Don't get me wrong I still over step and say the wrong thing, but I am better at pulling back and focusing on listening. Things have improved although they definitely still have meltdowns, like tonight, I got a phone call where they were really upset about a social event.

Maybe. Not necessarily. I left uni after 1 term, completely isolated myself but on leaving had to get a job. Went back the year after having suffered a big trauma during that year. Got a good degree. Floundered a bit. A few years. Eventually retrained. Diagnosed ND. Now in a managerial role and respected and have friends and interests.. day to day is not easy but I manage.