DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?

[allthethings]

This is long. I'd really appreciate some support or an outsiders view- particularly if you've had similar experiences.

DD is in 2nd term of university and doesn't want to be there anymore.

Prior to this, she had a gap year and she lived at home and had a good well paid hospitality job, allowing her to save. It was always an option for her not to go to university so long as she looked for apprenticeships or entry level jobs. In the end she only ever applied for anything I sought for her.

She probably went to university to please us and get us off her back but she didn't have any friends here so we thought she'd only flourish if she started afresh - we knew it could be sink or swim.

She started in September and engaged well with her studies, attended everything, and got some good grades. She said she was enjoying the course. She had to move accommodation but seemed to be making friends and had a few weeks where we thought she was flourishing and her past was behind her. Those, admittedly, were blissful weeks, as it was the first time in 10 or more years I wasn't worried about her. I felt I could think about myself and my life.

I'm lost over how to best help her and distraught that she could drop out and be back how things were last year but with no future prospects and still no hobbies or opportunities to make friends. She has come a long way and coped living independently very well and handled her studies well She's just not able to cope with her discomfort and anxiety and lack of friends.

She's reached out to wellbeing services and will get some counseling and support but she's spiraled in the last week. I need to get her home. The plan is to consider medication for anxiety and get her some proper counseling but try to get her to go back to university as we fear she's not thinking straight and could regret leaving a few weeks down the line. But how likely is this? She's not got a plan of what she'd rather be doing. I think we'd be okay with her dropping out if she at least had some friends here, but she's just going to be stuck at home feeling safe but sad. I can't see her getting an actual job unless I do all the work and I just can't do it anymore.

Or should I push the neurodivergent screening more? Can anxiety disorder present like some aspects of ADHD inattentive or is the anxiety likely an offshoot of ADHD.

Thank you if you read this far. Where's the manual for parenting adult children?!

She’s been skin picking? That’s what you go back to the GP with to get proper treatment for her anxiety. Excoriation can be - but isn’t always, so don’t be alarmed - a prelude to self-harming - that’s why we had to escalate with our DD. It’s very common as a symptom of anxiety.

The unhelpful peer comparisons should stop if she has counselling and can find her own path.

How did she do in her A-Levels incidentally?

This sounds so like my DD, except she is also struggling academically. She is diagnosed with ADHD and ASD “traits” as well as receiving medication for anxiety. I totally get how incredibly stressful it is and how it’s easy to “take over” to try to just keep the show on the road. I have made a conscious decision to take a step back from her this term as I think I have stepped over from supportive to controlling. This means it is quite likely she will fail, but realistically I can’t keep pushing her through three years in the way I have so far and she needs to take responsibility. Like your DD she has nothing much at home, and struggles with long term friendships. It’s such a horrible situation to be in and has caused me so much stress. I feel so sorry for her but also so frustrated by her.

Sending support and solidarity @allthethings 💐 One of mine was very similar and that need to bring her home is familiar. She is making her way in the world now (also diagnosed ND late, paid for privately) I have felt all the feelings you have. It's so difficult trying to get the right help, even with the desire to seek it, and engage, and the willingness to pay. It has been a bumpy ride and she's likely to always need some support but she is settled and happy.
I think your daughter may be in burn out and that is why the wheels are falling off now.

I think there’s something in this. You are never alone having to make a decision these days you can so easily text your mum. My DD (18) does this for crap like getting on the wrong bus and then sorts it herself anyway. If it’s not your mum then it’s Google. You can google and get a load of info on whatever it is and honestly I think it makes people more anxious and less able to trust their own judgement.

Day to day life IS anxiety inducing.

I have had to do the same - step back a bit because my support was starting to feel like control. My DD is a bit younger though - 16 - so I am just hovering to one side. There’s just that constant worry she might start to unravel again - I’d do anything not to go through that for the purely selfish reason that it’s so draining for me.

I don't really understand why you're getting her to come home. Nothing in your post or follow ups suggest that's where she is. She's a bit anxious, a bit lonely and possibly feeling a bit depressed. So are the majority of 18-24 yos, it's a tough time. The only way through it is through it.

OP - let go and focus on yourself. Role model for your DD a woman who takes care of herself, has absorbing hobbies and social connections.

If it were my DD, I'd encourage her to pass her first year (as it's almost over) then leave. You said she had a well paid hospitality job - brilliant! - you really shouldn't have given ultimations about apprenticeships/entry level jobs. She's only 18.

Stop making her your project, your fight and let her be her own person without you analysing her. Once she's home and working, she can help you cook nutritious meals, join you at pilates, get out in nature, watch a Netflix series together and chat about day to day stuff without mithering her about her plans, her anxiety, counselling, friendships.

Best of luck.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Could the solution be to encourage her to stick it out? It seems her history is nearly establishing herself socially and then it all getting stopped for some reason or other.

She needs to stick at uni and join clubs/activities of her interest to find people like her. Stopping and coming home is only going to make it worse. It takes more than a term to find your people.

This is hard because you obviously don’t want her to suffer, but I’d work with the university and get all the help you can.
Is there a chance you could go there to stay for a week and make sure she goes to her student services appointments and see the GP. Also you could help her find out about anything the uni can offer like being allowed to do lectures remotely for now.
I think the first priority is getting your DD well again, she can’t make major decisions when she’s not well enough.
Taking the rest of the term or year off could also be an option so she can have time to get better and go back in September. Or come home for this term and do her work remotely and go back after Easter.
She could also look at transferring to do second year at a uni closer to home so she can live at home, but I think that sort of decision should come after she is feeling better.

@allthethings your original question was: will she always be like this?

i think the answer is: no one knows / she might be / she might not, but the only thing you can control here is how you respond. It’s really interesting that’s lots of the posters in similar situations have started to step back a bit, and reconsider their own involvement.

We want her to be happy. Parents say this like it’s easy.* *sometimes it is too big an ask. You want her to be happy so that you can relax and enjoy your own life without worrying about her m.I’m afraid that if you wait for her to be ‘happy’, you may wait a long time - and all the time you are putting pressure on her to be something that she finds very very difficult. So take a step back and try not to make your own happiness contingent on hers.

Bless you. And her.
Just wanted to say you say she has no resilience but she has. Yes propped up by you but she has at least tried all these new things. They don’t work out but she gets up and tries again. It’s a start.

Does she like animals? They can be incredibly soothing and regulating if so, could she perhaps start a hobby such as horse riding (I did in my first year at uni, had never ridden before) or use borrow my doggy to walk some dogs in the local area - things that get her out and about and doing stuff she enjoys that isn’t sitting and doomscrolling in her room which will only make going out and being around people feel more anxiety inducing. It will also give her something to talk about when she meets people and animals automatically make you feel less lonely.
For some people leaving uni can be the right thing, but I think she should be encouraged to do a few things to try and make it work.
I think sometimes the advice we are given with toddlers applies all through life - you’re not there to make them happy, you’re there to support and encourage and teach. Feeling hard things shouldn’t be removed automatically, life has hard things in it, and we only build resilience and pride in ourselves by surmounting those hard things. Doesn’t mean you can’t have a cheerleader in the background, but you have to be the pioneer in your own life. Just like a toddler who will always reach out a hand when walking over a log, and say they can’t do it, they get the biggest satisfaction when they find out actually they can.

Firstly I'd like to say that you are doing a great job to support your DD.

I find that what you describe about your DD's childhood friendship issues may be important. I think people can start to live self-fulfilling prophecies after a few knockbacks - it becomes a negative spiral and they can develop a fear and lack of self-confidence and self-efficacy around that particular topic.

My suggestions would be:

• if she is resistant to counselling, see if she would be amenable to a well-reputed life coach or career coach
• would she be interested in volunteering? I find that if people are struggling, a good place for them to start can be to help others who are worse off - gives them a feeling of purpose and agency, takes the mind off their own problems
• get some counselling yourself or journal for 15 mins a day about it (sometimes we can be our own best counsellors)
• see if she can hold the university place open and do a year's break but get the focus off that specifically
• do something fun together - go on an adventure holiday or do some art and craft courses or an escape room or a pony trek or whatever it might be - reset your own relationship with your daughter and bring some joy to it

Agree, leaving home is always a bit wobble inducing. Its a shame she didn't go travelling and make full use of her gap year to get life skill. Resilience isn't gained by backtracking all the time. Get her to stick it out longer.

I would highly recommend joining the wiwik about university for parents of neurodivergent kids - it has been an absolute lifeline for me in a similar situation. My ds has been diagnosed with inattentive type adhd (although he is definitely auDHD as it sounds your daughter might be) after his executive function absolutely crashed and burned with the lack of structure at uni.

the other game changer is that he is in the next city to where we live so can get a (free) bus home within 90mins - he comes home every weekend and that enables him to be social and attend uni. Could that be an option for next year?

my ds is struggling academically as despite being pretty bright he is doing a very difficult stem degree an finds the lack of structure impossible - he may have to resit the year but he has turned a corner in terms of his positivity and really wants to be there.

I totally hear you with the toll it takes on parents. The first semester nearly finished me off and I felt like I was at uni with him - never have I scaffolded him more - but it has worked. He has a lovely bunch of friends, is going out regularly and has sorted flatmates for next year. I’m delighted for him but he does find it exhausting. Regularly attending societies is what helped him and being lucky enough to meet some dynamic and friendly guys who have dragged him along in their wake 🤣.

my ds diagnosis has opened the door to disability services too so I would not rule out private assessment if possible financially.

good luck - it is such a massive worry but you’ll get masses of empathy on that page. When I was spiralling 5 mins on that page and I felt less alone.

My eldest DD is autistic, has GAD, and I’m pretty sure she has ADHD, although she isn’t diagnosed with that. She managed to stay at uni until Christmas of her first year before she had a massive mental health crisis and dropped out. She realised that she’d made totally the wrong course choice, she wasn’t coping with living in halls, and had pretty much stopped eating. She came home, started medication for her anxiety and spent a month or two working out what her next steps were and what she wanted to do. She realised that her course choice, whilst she loved the subject, just didn’t suit the way her mind works. So, she self-studied for a maths qualification she needed (which she passed), got into a local college to do a HND in computing (which she is loving), and has applied to do computer science at uni (and has just received her first unconditional offer).

It has been a roller coaster of emotions and stress over the last 18 months, but I think she’s in a much better place, having just been given the space and support to figure things out. We’re working on building resilience, making sure she’s in the best place she can be mentally and physically to ensure that when she tries again she’s got the bandwidth to cope.

There is something brave in admitting that you’ve made a mistake, but what comes after can be positive.

My DS dropped out of university after 2 years. He had a few friends but hated his course and his mental health spiralled downwards. He had also cut himself off from me for the whole time, which was heart breaking, but when he reached rock bottom allowed me back in to gradually start to rescue him. He is now living with me and his sister and working in hospitality. He is working hard, has a girlfriend and friends and is in good mental and physical shape. He’s 23. I don’t know what he will do next but I’m pleased that step by step his life and mental health have improved. I was so worried before that he might take his life and that we would never have reconciled. He doesn’t have a plan but I have faith that he will continue to take tiny steps on a path towards jobs and a career. He’s 23 and has time.

I know the scenarios are different but there is hope, via baby steps. First and foremost being desperately sad and away from home needs rectifying.

Also worth looking into autistic burnout.

I agree with @Irememberwhenitwasallfieldsroundhere , she needs medical intervention.

I have two DC - night and day. Both ND, both academic, one is robust, resilient and confident, one has anxiety, clinical depression, gets overwhelmed and thrown off course in life quite easily.

Both at uni which I believe is the right course for them.

One needs a big support mechanism, nothing to do with being helicoptered or not allowed to make decisions for themselves at all, just a very different make up with mental illness thrown in to the mix.

I'd help her access as much help as possible OP, she needs someone to advocate for her right now by the sound of it.

Yes, I agree that as a parent it can be exhausting.

Sorry the wiwik page is on fb.

Actually ... having re-read a few of the OP's posts, I'm not sure DD needs to leave university. She's content living alone, enjoys studying and is doing well plus uni holidays are frequent and long. Let DD decide without any input from mum ... but OP definitely to back off and focus on herself. It must be a real burden on the girl knowing she causes her mum so much anguish.

I havent read the whole thread but almost every young person I know has struggled to some extent with starting uni, and all, with one exception, settled in eventually. She's not alone. My daughter is also are struggling with the social side and Im very stressed about it. But I am aware we did not help her be independent enough, either practically or emotionally, so we are trying to balance a bit of tough love with making sure she knows we are always here. Also pushing for as much support as we can through university disability & pastoral support and getting her an ASC assessment. Its hard, my heart goes out to you.

Does she even need a degree? What career is she aiming for?
She might be better off doing something like working abroad to give her more confidence?
i feel like the push from posters in this thread to get her diagnosed with something is just going to end up with her having a label that will make her stop trying new things because she’s now officially “anxious”