DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?

[allthethings]

This is long. I'd really appreciate some support or an outsiders view- particularly if you've had similar experiences.

DD is in 2nd term of university and doesn't want to be there anymore.

Prior to this, she had a gap year and she lived at home and had a good well paid hospitality job, allowing her to save. It was always an option for her not to go to university so long as she looked for apprenticeships or entry level jobs. In the end she only ever applied for anything I sought for her.

She probably went to university to please us and get us off her back but she didn't have any friends here so we thought she'd only flourish if she started afresh - we knew it could be sink or swim.

She started in September and engaged well with her studies, attended everything, and got some good grades. She said she was enjoying the course. She had to move accommodation but seemed to be making friends and had a few weeks where we thought she was flourishing and her past was behind her. Those, admittedly, were blissful weeks, as it was the first time in 10 or more years I wasn't worried about her. I felt I could think about myself and my life.

I'm lost over how to best help her and distraught that she could drop out and be back how things were last year but with no future prospects and still no hobbies or opportunities to make friends. She has come a long way and coped living independently very well and handled her studies well She's just not able to cope with her discomfort and anxiety and lack of friends.

She's reached out to wellbeing services and will get some counseling and support but she's spiraled in the last week. I need to get her home. The plan is to consider medication for anxiety and get her some proper counseling but try to get her to go back to university as we fear she's not thinking straight and could regret leaving a few weeks down the line. But how likely is this? She's not got a plan of what she'd rather be doing. I think we'd be okay with her dropping out if she at least had some friends here, but she's just going to be stuck at home feeling safe but sad. I can't see her getting an actual job unless I do all the work and I just can't do it anymore.

Or should I push the neurodivergent screening more? Can anxiety disorder present like some aspects of ADHD inattentive or is the anxiety likely an offshoot of ADHD.

Thank you if you read this far. Where's the manual for parenting adult children?!

Could she go to a local college @allthethings, maybe less pressure than uni?

My DD dropped out in the January of her first year. Obviously we were disappointed but supported her choice. She’s a Chartered Accountant now (via an apprenticeship).

Uni just wasn’t for her. She just hated it. And she’s very academic, was a straight A student throughout school. Your DD will make her own path, and that doesn’t have to involve uni.

You haven't failed her. You have tried to support her at every step and are still trying now.

If she had begun to thrive in her hospitality job perhaps this type of environment is the right thing for now. It offers quite structured interactions with customers and colleagues and a pulling together as a team experience.

Could she go back to her old job? Do some of the same team still work there?

I do feel you might need to adjust your expectations to match the child you have. You said our only expectation was that she went to uni or got a job - but she had a job?

Perhaps her job didn't fit your idea of what you want for her? I do understand that - life is expensive and we all want our kids to be able to afford a home etc but better to be thriving and good at a hospitality job than be anxious/ unable to function in another environment.

If she wants to go back to her old job or a similar one I would support her to do that. If she wants to apply to an apprenticeship or uni one day leave it up to her. There will be supervisor/management opportunities within hospitality in time where the structure, rules and policies might help her to thrive.

Obviously if she wants to stay at uni and can think of adjustments to help her to cope then support her with that. Would a hospitality job at uni actually help her to socialise? Although I think part time jobs are harder to come by that they used to be.

I hope your daughter has thoughts on what she wants and you can support her with that.

Lots of people do well in life without degrees. It’s also something she can pick up later. I’d be focusing on sorting out her mental health before you really hit crisis point. I know you don’t want her home and you are exhausted from dealing with her, I get that, I really do, but she needs help and she needs you to keep advocating for her.

The comment you made about her dad thinking she’s just immature rings a bell. ND teens are said to be typically three years behind their peers. So it’s like sending a 15 year old to uni. Some kids that age would cope but most would struggle being away from home on their own. If you look at it in that context, it might help you deal with it.

Does she have any habits you know of that she might be doing to mask her anxiety? Mine was skin picking (excoriation). It was an escalation of that which prompted us to push for the CAMHs referral.

I really think that you should encourage her not to drop out without getting treatment and availing herself of the support that there undoubtedly is at uni.

You say ‘I need to get her home’ but also that you are dreading this. Maybe you don’t need to get her home but rather to teach her how to cope outside of home especially given she is not wholly negative about it and likes living away in her flat?

Is she registered with a GP at uni? Could she see them and try an SSRI? There will be MH support at uni that is a lot better and easier to access than non students can get. I would encourage her to stay there and get through this. The danger is that if you let her drop out and come home she will lose an opportunity to develop some resilience and coping strategies and will get the opposite message reinforced that she cannot cope without her parents which is not sustainable for life.

I've seen all.sides of this with my dcs, and their friends. The main thing to stress to her is that any decision now is okay by you.

Some stayed, some dropped out and tried a different route, all are fine a couple of years on.

What I do think is that a lot of anxiety for you amd her comes from trying to "do the right thing", or keep other people happy. I've honestly been there, with a similar child and I spent some.muxh energy worrying about them, trying to kerp them on an even keel, worrying about adhd etc.

In the end, after therapy for another issue, I learned to just let them be. They'll always have a bed and food and love, but their life path has to be their decision.

I explained the therapy to them, and it honestly changed our relationship. Eldest just struts now, sometimed talks stuff over, but equally usually doesn't. Youngest is in first year university, totally his own person, also doesn't have close friends, but has the confidence to not care.

Bit long winded, but I would say step back a bit. Just ask "can I help?" but otherwise don't problem solve this one. Just make sure she knows you have her back whatever she decides.

No that's what we thought. Although if shed kept her part time job it might have been okay but she wasn't keen to go there.

Where’s the manual indeed. Every single young adult I know, including my kids, struggled in the first year at uni. All of them. And some dropped out, some didn’t (mine didn’t and are glad they stuck it out)

So I would acknowledge that with her but you’re right to get her home to look after her for a bit first. It’s hard being in a new place and not knowing people but maybe see if she can do a few more months and see how she feels then? Good luck, it’s hard, parenting adult kids.

Your daughter sounds very much like me, I was desperate to drop out of uni but my parents weren't having any of it, I continued until second year and then dropped out when I couldn't possibly do it any more. As a result I have a large loan and no degree, with no possibility of returning to uni later as I wouldn't get any more funding through student loans. I really wish I'd dropped out as soon as I'd wanted to and had the opportunity to return when I felt more able to.

I (much later) got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and diagnosis and medication is life changing. I did find my own path eventually but after a very long struggle. If your daughter can drop out now, persue diagnosis and medication and counselling, she may want to return when she is able.

I would note that counselling through NHS is usually CBT which I've found next to useless as an autistic person, if you have the means I would consider going private with a ND experienced therapist.

I second this. Some international students and muslims appreciate their events becasue they don all revolve around alcohol!

Both my sister and SIL have been diagnosed with GAD I don’t think either are ND. Both have had ups and downs with it throughout their lives-and downs. My sister tends to have big peaks and troughs - she was a highly academic, overachiever… then had a breakdown after her PhD / early career. More recently she had taken on a really difficult, stressful job which she did very well in… then resigned abruptly and was signed off for her whole notice period because she was completely burned out and at breakdown crisis point again. My SIL is different - she lives a very small, limited, grey life. One child (too anxious about having a second), never travels (too scared of being away from home and what might go wrong), hideously shy and permanently embarrassed, bullied in every job she’s had. Both have been on meds for a long time and had extensive counselling. It’s not a cure-all but it is necessary so that they can function. They both have good spells and bad spells - and that’s life, for everyone.

Your daughter as she is now is not as she will be forever. It is possible that she will not ‘get better’ however much you want her too. If this is going to be a life long condition, then you need to accept that maybe you can’t fix this - or that it can’t be fixed.

The only boundaries you can set are your own, and that is going to have to include accepting that sadness and anxiety may always affect her. You can absolutely help her by being supportive, and realistic. But you have to live your own life too and that might mean stepping back from her ups and downs, while also remaining supportive.

what do her older siblings think about it? is she close with them?

I didn’t want mine back home either, it’s totally reasonable to feel like this!

I think the first year at uni can be really tough for even the most robust child. There is structure routine and company in school and at work. There isn't so much at university. Students are under occupied but also under pressure to keep up with their work independently. It is a bad combination especially if you are at all fragile.

I hated my first year at uni and wanted to drop out. It was relatively close to home so my parents persuaded me to stay on the course and commute from home. I then stopped at the end of the first year, worked for a year, really thought about the course I wanted to do and went to a different university and a different course. I came home or visited friends every weekend so that uni was just the working week. I also got a job and that gave me a bit more structure. I loved it the second time around but I did have to approach it in a different way.

I would say that living away is a big part of the university experience so I think coming home and staying at uni is the worst of all worlds for everyone

You have mentioned a number of features that might be compatible with ASD but none that I can see that are consistent with ADHD at all. You say she is able to study. What makes you alight on ADHD as a possibility?

OP if she is first year why isn't she in halls? Living in a flat on her own isn't a good way to make friends starting uni?

My daughter is now thriving due to Sertraline and an adhd diagnosis. Also in her second term. Get her the medical help she needs.

Op its fine if she doesn’t know what she wants to do, I’d park that worry for now. It’s rare to know. One of mine only just does at nearly 30 and it took a while to get there

Also, you haven’t failed her, you’re doing your best as we all do.

Oh gosh yes. She does that. Not so much now, but at school.

I was fine that the apprenticeship wasn't a degree one. In fact happy - because I thought she'd be well liked by her fellow older staff but without so much pressure on her. But in the end she didn't want to start it. I was also fine with her doing her hospitality job in theory. But it's seasonal. The other young people are university students, out of season it's skeleton staff who are a few older people. Plus there's months where there's no work.

I think we're okay with her having a different looking path. We want her to be happy. I don't think she is accepting of it and so we have been trying to help her - looks like in the wrong way - to function as 'normal'

I can see counseling is crucial for her to accept herself as she is and gain clarity on what might make her happy in life, not what her peers are doing.

I could have written your post about DD2. It is hugely draining, and young people seem to lack resilience. Whereas we would have had to have queued for a phone or thought things out for ourselves, they just pick up the phone and make it your problem. DD2 changed university, and it was the making of her. She’s now working and has finally come off the anti depressants. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

You sound like such a kind, supportive mum OP, and I know this might sound mean but - what is your daughter doing to improve her life/seek help? Obviously you’ve pushed for help whilst she was a child, but she’s an adult now. Has she been back to the GP to treat her anxiety? Has she discussed & looked at options for potential neurodiversity diagnosis? What is her plan for her future?

I would be asking her if she chooses to drop out of uni what her plan is for getting a job & moving out.

And the skin picking has almost stopped.

I have a DD like this and I completely get it. Constantly busting a gut to help them any way you can. Hoping that one day they'll work it out for themselves.

No answers but having had a serious injury (slightly related to my role as her carer) and being off my feet for 6 weeks, I'm looking to re-evaluate what I do. I can't continue as I have. Planning to focus more on my wellbeing and my other relationships.

Meanwhile DD won't so much as fetch me a glass of water..

Just a slightly different view as I went through a similar phase at her age and it was hormone related. Same as peri menopause causing anxiety, low mood etc. Before jumping to mental health or as well as it’s worth looking at physical and hormone links as well that could be causing this.

In my case going on the pill was a life saver it gave me the oestrogen I was lacking and balanced everything off for me, it was a noticeable change in a few weeks.

i know there is huge anti- synthetic hormone narrative but just putting a different approach down.