My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

What did she say exactly? Did she give examples?

I would like to hear DDs side of this story

Thats so sad. No advice really. Other then I hope one day she gets in touch and you can talk and try to sort everything.
It is scary how many people I know who have seen therapist and the advice has been to completely cut contact.

Have you tried therapy op? It may help you understand. There's either something to it or her new DH is pushing this? Could you reach out to him?

With respect, you’ve clearly left some major details out here as the logic doesn’t ring true unless your DD has had a psychiatric episode.

I cut my mum put of my life.

She would say she has no idea why and I'm stroppy.

I would say we were toxic to each other and my mental health and subsequent diagnosis of adhd/autism and the healing I've done in her absence has been beneficial and I hope she's happy whatever she's doing.

Your post fits the missing missing reasons to a tee https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

My mother would likely have said similar about me, but actually we weren’t close at all. She was interested in what I could do for her and little else.

My boundaries have saved my mental health, allowed me to shake off this guilt that I’m not enough and focus on being a better mother to my daughter.

I’d also suggest you consider therapy and see what the reality of the relationship actually was.

Yes this

There are undoubtedly some unreasonable children who cut their parents off for trivial or irrational reasons. My drug abusing brother cut off my mother when she challenged him about destroyed our siblings house. Apparently she should not have said anything.

However if your daughter is stable enough to keep a job, it would suggest that this is not a case of someone who just cant cope with life. So there is obviously more to this story. And your suggestion that this is the therapists fault fits right into the estranged parent playbook of 'I didn't do anything wrong, the evil therapist poisoned my child'. What anxieties could your DD be referring to? Have you ever been over bearing, opinionated, forceful with her? Was it her idea you go on her honeymoon or yours?

Can DH ask her for examples if she hadn't already given some? Or ask DH to be honest with you about what he thinks she may mean. If you want to move forward you need to find out what she is referring to so you can respond appropriately.

I was thinking of the exact same thing!
plus in these kind of posts, there is ALWAYS a mention about money.

It's odd how you hardly ever hear "I'd like to hear your mother/MIL's side of the story" on Mumsnet.

@KJCP if your DH is still in contact with her, can he ask her to be entirely honest and give him some examples, as a pp suggested? Or a family member or mutual friend? It's the only way forward that I can see.

How interesting. How many?

It is scary how many people I know who have seen therapist and the advice has been to completely cut contact.

I call bullshit. No professional therapist would advise someone to do this. But many people who are contemplating doing this may go to see a therapist to decide what to do. People take what they want from therapy. Additionally there are people who may be referred to as therapists who are nothing of the sort.

But a trained psychotherapist is not there to advise- they are there to help the client decide what they want to do.

FWIW, I have spent a lot of time talking to people about the difficulties of estrangement and how psychologically draining it is. But for some people, it is the decision they go on to make.

I have known an adult who started therapy and then started blaming her mother and her childhood for any and all problems she had as an adult. She used to have a therapy session then call her sister to complain about their childhood - only the sister kept telling her she was massively changing their shared history and things she was bringing up in therapy either didn’t happen or happened in a totally different way than she was remembering. The therapist seemed to be encouraging her to be blaming her mother for everything she deemed wrong in her life. I’m not saying this is what’s happening here but I think certain people can be easily persuaded to blame others for all their problems.

Some therapists seem to accept everything they are told.
Others seem to challenge whether perceptions are right.

The therapist seemed to be encouraging her to be blaming her mother for everything she deemed wrong in her life. I’m not saying this is what’s happening here but I think certain people can be easily persuaded to blame others for all their problems.

Again, I think what you saw happen was her interpretation of what the therapist was saying - but therapy is all about personal responsibility - not negating the experiences that led to your feelings and reactions, but holding you accountable for what you do as a result. No reputable therapist would encourage anyone to blame someone else for how they feel. It is always possible that there is a bad therapist or one who has gone rogue. But more often it is what the client projects onto the therapist and what they take from their sessions.

People can be suggestible for sure. But this is why professional bodies have rules about what therapists are supposed to do.

My mum would have said the same op. She even told her flying monkeys I must be mentally ill as I'd gone NC for no apparent reason.

Telling your daughter she wished she'd never woken up after life-changing surgery would be a good reason. So would dumping EVERYTHING on your daughter who had lots of her own things going on at the time (abusive marriage, contentious divorce, single parenting, two jobs and juggling 2 kids) when golden bollox sibling can do nothing wrong (and is never burdened with any of her shit). So would proclaiming lockdown was like when she retired and nobody should be feeling any pressure (see also daughter in same situation who was working in a school throughout), shitting all over daughter's first Christmas in her new home, comparing every interaction with abusive exh to her own divorce 35 years ago where she landed right on her feet with spousal support and a house, rather than court 3 times...

Yeah, I'd like to hear your DDs side of things...

I know someone who put her mother first in everything, took her advice, her money, her help. She deferred to her mother's judgement all the time. I think her mother would be shocked how controlling she actually is- because it's a symbiotic relationship in some ways, the daughter hands the wheel over to her mother. However, the daughter has now gone to therapy and taken a huge step back. It's very sad because they'd previously had a really close relationship. And I think the daughter can't cope with standing up to her mother and saying thanks for the advice but I'll do my own thing. So she's avoiding her all together. It's an odd one as an observer, the mother has an opinion on every thing - and the daughter is the same with everyone else. And now the daughter has moments where she snaps at the mother which really is from years of frustration of unsolicited advice rather than this specific issue.

I’m afraid we have had exactly this situation in our own family . Ther person concerned has had a complete change of personality it seems. Ride, spiteful unpleasant and hurtful. The amount of damage that’s been done is huge.

From someone who also cut a parent out, let me tell you that the decision is not taken lightly.

Nobody wants to be without their mum or dad, nobody. So when the decision to walk away is made, it’s because it hurts less to live without them in your life, than it hurts to have them in it.

well yes, siblings don't experience the same childhood so I can imagine that.

Am I understanding this correctly, you and your husband went on and paid for your DD honeymoon?

@KJCP, what did your daughter say when you asked her to explain what she means by your anxieties .....so that you can talk to her about them and try to minimise any impact these anxieties have on her?