My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

This. It’s some years ago now but my DM’s friend’s daughter had regression therapy. Her parents had split when she and her sister were very young and they spent time in the holidays with their father and his family.

The daughter started remembering all sorts of abuse at the hands of her grandfather - for both herself and her older sister. Older sister said that nothing of the sort happened.

The daughter cut herself off from her mother and sister because they didn’t agree with her. I’d guess it’s been 20+ years now.

I think regression therapy is less widely used now, but it has done its damage.

I don’t think we have enough say whether the OP is at fault, although her stance of total ignorance as to her daughter complaints is a bit of a red flag.

I would say that we need much better regulation of counsellors and therapists in the UK. At the bottom of the barrel I fear it attracts absolutely the wrong sort of people, I’ve met at least three women over the last 30 years who working in different jobs and who I was wary of because they seemed very drama loving, self-centred, opinionated and ignorant, all of who later mentioned they were training to be counsellors. Honestly I wouldn’t have left them in charge of a hamster. I can absolutely imagine them projecting pet theories and dynamics on future clients. It must be frustrating for for the those in the vanguard of the profession.

I’m sorry this is happening OP. I’m afraid theres no way of us knowing what’s gone on as none of us are involved. It may help you to think back on it all though and maybe discuss it with someone yourself.

When she sent you the text setting her boundaries how did you respond? Did you ask her to explain or give examples? Were you open to discussing it with her? How long between her setting the boundaries and going no contact? What happened in between?

I have no idea if you’ll get the answers from your daughter but if you do manage to have a discussion try to keep an open mind.

The words she has literally written at the top of this page have a huge number of parallels with the posts on the page I linked. I’m commenting on the surface level similarity only. OP can consider whether anything deeper resonates with her.
Someone who prioritised building their relationship with their daughter could thoroughly consider whether they have any anxieties they might be blinded to, for example.

The problem with OPs on this subject is that those posters who feel the need to respond, are almost always keen to say their piece because they were/are in the other side of it. And because they see themselves as right to cut contact, then your DD must be too.

But of course their stories are not yours or your daughters. And it's ridiculous to assume that daughters are always right and mothers always wrong.

I can't begin to imagine the pain for any parent whose child cuts them off completely. Of course there are some who absolutely deserve it. But I suspect there are also plenty for whom a joint conversation with a mediator would be more positive.

Little known fact: therapists are not judges who can demand access to “the facts” and deliver a judgment ordering a client to comply with family member’s demands. We have to work with the person who has hired us and work within and around their perceptions and representations. If they are delusional—and I have had clients who were delusional—we can’t get anywhere by directly confronting or contradicting them. We have to meet the client where they are. Ditto for people with personality disorders that make them unable to realistically to grasp how their actions or statements affect those sround them.

Did she give more context? For me personally, my mum was quite over protective. She (not intentionally) made me doubt my own capabilities. She always was a ‘fixer’ and never pushed me to try and figure out my own worries or problems. For example, she was always encouraging me to go to the doctors if I felt stressed or upset - it gave me this feeling that I couldn’t cope and I needed ‘help’ when a lot of what I was going through was just general life challenges. My mum wouldn’t describe herself as anxious, but her tolerance for life’s hard times for us kids is low. Even just her ringing every day when a little blip happens - it comes from a good place, but it also makes small issues ‘big issues’. A lot of it boils down to being a bit over involved. it can be subtle and completely unintentional, but done frequently enough, it can get in the way of being able to feel like a capable and independent adult.

Now I don’t say all this because i think my situation is your situation. But just to highlight that my mum was totally unaware how she behaved impacted me. Luckily (hard though it was) she took on board my feelings and now we have a much more balanced relationship. Dismissing your daughter’s perspective won’t repair things. Two people can experience the same life period differently. You’re two different people, at two different life stages and one of you is experiencing life as a daughter and one as a mother. Start by accepting her experience isn’t yours and listen to what she has to say.

I took my 22-year-old dd to a therapist because she started school refusing. All well, after the first session she went back to school. But the next time was a disaster. She wanted to run away from me in a really dangerous part of town. Eventually I found out that according to the therapist I was telling my dd all my problems, when 1) I was very conscious that I shouldn't do that and 2) I didn't particularly have any problems apart from worrying about my dd. It seems that the therapist had a very stereotypical idea that single mothers tell their children all their problems

I empathise entirely - I also thought I'd nailed motherhood, until her father died unexpectedly. We divorced when she was a toddler & he had nothing to do with her for years. Never paid a penny in maintenance. I never said a word against him, but she went for counselling after he died (I'd offered to pay for same as my heart bled to see her so upset) - & then very unexpectedly she said she needed boundaries......
For everyone that says you must've done something wrong, they are incredibly lucky not to have walked your path. I never thought I'd be in this position.
It took a lot of courage to post on here, & I hear your pain.

They may not say it out loud but they validate your angered thoughts. Not that I am suggesting OP’s dd did it for a trivial reason.

So sister was a gaslighter like my sibling.

Sometimes even siblings have different experiences at home - a lot of factor affect the. Birth order and family situation at that time, parents perceiving one child easier than the other, or favouritism.

Be careful who you talk to about this. There is pre prejudice towards the mom or parents. Especially online you are going to get trashed which is that exactly what you don’t need right now because I’ve been there and I know it’s the most painful thing you’ll ever go through.

Find a private support group, a small pay wall will protect you. A therapist or an in person group don’t let anyone tell you it’s your job up to forever walk on eggshells to maintain this unhealthy relationship.

Don’t let this outcome define you. Understand that this is actually a trend and there are many parents in the same boat.

Take good care of yourself. I am sorry you have to through this.

I booked to see a therapist to go over some trauma I hadn't processed. Nothing to do with my parents. A traumatic event and an abusive ex.
My parents are decent but normally flawed people

The therapist kept steering me away from talking about my trauma and kept wanting to focus on my parents and my childhood and how there must be something they had done to me that had made me susceptible to the trauma

I feel so glad I chose to cut the therapist from my life rather than my parents.

I am so sorry, OP. There is something similar going on in my family. The adult child has cut contact with a genuinely loving and caring mother who could not have done more for her kids (the other two are still close to her) - and he has had extensive therapy for years. They were so close until he was about 30. I am horrified that this is so common now.

This sounds quite likely - too entwined and the DD is struggling to separate herself post marriage.

It’s a very emotionally immature way of dealing with things though

Well you won't will you, because this isn't judge Judy

So just take what the op says and give advice.

I can never understand why people say this. We won't ever hear the other person's pov

Sounds like she was afraid of you but just trying to appease you before? Now she dropped the facade

The previous poster said that because it’s quite a biased retelling of events, very “woe is me”, diminishes the other perspective. You can’t give advice to a totally wrong scenario

I suspect she’ll be in touch when she needs her next hand out or free holiday.

Ignore the twat and be prepared to change your will.

The @KJCP appears to have left the building.

I think it meant that OP and her DH paid for themselves.

I think there are probably some very good therapists but there are probably others that decided to be a therapist because of their own issues that despite having therapy themselves let that creep into their sessions and confirmation bias becomes an issue. I have a ‘friend’ who is a therapist and she’s got so many issues herself that her kids now need therapy. I mean her consulting rooms look amazing but there’s no way I would want her to help with any issues. Also she herself has a very turbulent relationship with her mother.

There's not enough context here to know anything op. Maybe try writing to her and apologising for your part in the estrangement.

As a social worker of over 20 years I can tell you there is some truth to the fact that therapy can do damage. But more often it helps people sort through things and relationships which the other parties may have been very happy with. It would be nice for your daughter to specify what 'your anxieties' are...so you can actually address them.

I would say the therapist has potentially led to this. Some are looking for an issue to explain a clients feelings and a parent is an obvious one.
i have some sector this, things are getting slightly better now but one of my dc has a very different memory of childhood in our family than the other three. His memory is very similar to that of his DP childhood. Whilst I don’t discount his experience I also think bits of his DP thinking have become part of his memory.

it’s very sad and painful and I hope it improves with time and your DH plays a role in gently challenging and encouraging