My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

In this last year 4 close friends and a aunt with her father. Im not saying its a negative for them. Just seems to happen a lot more. Or in my circle of friends/family .
I suppose in the past you just avoided certain people for the most part or would just see them at big family events. But other then that limit contact. But never actually say out loud you avoided them.
But now people are a lot more open and upfront.

Honestly? I think you’re asking in the wrong place. Obviously none of us can know what’s going on here, but I guarantee that Mumsnet will assume the worst about you and the best about her. That could well be the right take, but it could well also not be. Can I suggest that you have some therapy to help you clarify your thoughts and sort the fact from the fiction. Maybe then you could approach her again and see if there’s a way forward.

I think the first two words of your post @KJCP are very intriguing..."for years" you've had a good relationship. 🥴 What about before that?

Just want to say I'm really, truly sorry. There are some horrendously dodgy therapists out there (on top of all the unqualified tiktok "experts") that can do untold damage to people and families. There was a guardian article around a year ago detailing the experience of several parents who'd had lovely families and then been blindsided by kids (usually daughters) going NC after being more or less brainwashed by bad therapists.

I also have a former friend who I've know for over 20 years who did this to her wonderful, supportive mum. Ironically, I've gone no contact with said friend because I think it's a vile thing to do to a parent unless they were genuinely abusive.

I don't know how you sleep at night.

Are you a parent yourself? Can you imagine the pain, the sheer agony, of your child cutting you out of their lives forever? You literally owe your mum your existence - did you even give her a chance to work on your relationship?

And before anyone makes an ignorant assumption, I know exactly what it's like growing up with a very difficult - even abusive - parental relationship. I didn't cut them out of my life though, because I'm not an adolescent that expects everyone to treat me perfectly and I understand that life, and people, are complicated and often deeply hurt themselves.

I honestly think people who cut off their parents have it coming to them in later life.

I think my mum could have written this (especially the first bit- not so much the work stress/safari bit!). She thought we were very close for all your reasons.

What she didn’t understand (and still doesn’t acknowledge) is that my actions were done out of obligation and fear, rather than love. I had to write gushing Mother’s Day cards or she would give me the silent treatment and cause me to walk on eggshells for weeks until she got over it (usually by punishing me so she felt ‘even’ for her disappointment over something minor e.g. not unplugging the kettle after use).

It took me years after moving out (and a very healthy, loving relationship with my husband) to figure out that I didn’t particularly love my mum, she mostly scared me. I can also understand the confusion from her side that all my actions when growing up seem filled with love and seemed a marker of a good relationship.

I would really encourage you to have a deep think about what your daughter has said, and take real accountability and change your behaviour where possible. Acknowledging and working on what she has said won’t be comfortable but it may save your relationship. It’s exceedingly rare that someone cuts off family for no/a trivial reason and your daughter has communicated the reasons to you so you’re not left guessing why she’s done it.

Sometimes you need to let your adult children take a step away. I was completely emeshed in my mothers personal life and mental health struggles from a young age. I'm not saying this is your situation situation but just an example of mine. I stopped ringing as much and take some time to myself. I've noticed my daughter doing the same it is difficult because we were so close but I'm trying not to take it personally. We haven't fallen out as such, relationships change. She's busy working and in a relationship so it's obvious that she has less time. My advice would be to give her the space she feels she needs.

Can you be absolutely honest with yourself and search deeds for anything that perhaps she classified as anxieties?

Even if you think there are standard pr minor etc.

Have you really come up with absolutely nothing in terms of possibilities?

Have you asked your husband to be 100% honest with you and tell you of there's anything he thinks she may be referring to.

If you have absolutely no idea, it must be upsetting.

My aunt would say the same about 2 of her estranged children but there's at least 100 reasons for their absence from her life. She refuses to see her role in it at all.

I haven't cut my mother out because I'm worried the pressure and fall out around that would be more significant than the peace I would gain from it - and now she has dementia so there's no point anymore. She would probably report that we had a good, close relationship because whenever I've tried to discuss any issues with her she denies all knowledge, tells me I'm talking rubbish and outright lies about how things happened. She has never taken responsibility for anything she's done. She doesn't see it that way, obviously. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going mad when she tells me things happened differently to my very clear memories of them - but my brother, when independently questioned, always has the same memories of situations that I do. She simply cannot accept any situation that might make her look bad in any way so paints herself as hero/victim all the time. But again, she doesn't see herself in this way at all. I've seen my mother in law do the same with her daughters. Interestingly they both behave completely differently with their sons.

So yes, maybe your daughter has been badly influenced by other people, or maybe you haven't really listened to her. Clearly if she won't talk to you now it's a bit difficult to find out which. When she told you about your 'anxieties' and their effect on her, how did you respond? Were you worried and wanted to help or did you say it was rubbish?

All you can really do is try and find answers through your husband or maybe other family members.

This, a hundred times over.

And by abusive do you mean something tangible or just the insidious omnipotence of constant digs, belittling, being made to feel 'less'?
My dm told me she didn't approve of my divorce as my ex wasn't physically abusive. Despite him being almost every other type of abusive...

Until you've been there, don't ever say you wouldn't cut someone off...

It seems everything is toxic now and everyone is narcissistic. There were forceful women going back generations in my family. No one cut contact. None of them were called narcissists. People just muddled along. It seems now it’s a world of extreme reactions.

I’ve heard of regressive therapy, where people are taken back to their childhood experiences via hypnosis, and the potential danger of creating false memories. I recall a couple of years ago where it was in the media because in some instances it had created fractured family relationships due to false memories.

I left to give her the peace she said she needed and so that she could have a much happier life without me in it.

Did you even give her a chance to work on your relationship? YES I did I even asked my therapist to help me see my mothers view, to work out how I could change to make the relationship less antagonistic, I offered time, I offered opportunities to connect but we were having the same conflicts over and over, so it was best to walk away.

As I said I became burnt out and suicidal due to unmanaged and undiagnosed autism and adhd, which I felt was too much for her to deal with.

I left for her.

I am not an adolescent, I didn't expect perfect, I collected the breadcrumbs, I tried to change myself, I tried to understand her and her past/traumas. She herself had cut off family before and explained the whys when I was growing up.

I didn't choose it to be selfish to be dramatic to evoke attention or anything like that. I slipped away so she could live in peace.

Hi OP, I hope some of these answers are helping you. It must be really hard but you must ask your daughter for examples of the anxieties she thinks you’ve shared with her that she hasn’t been able to protect herself from. My mum would write the same as you - all of a sudden I went very low contact to protect myself and get boundaries from her sharing all her woes with me and her sudden anger if she didn’t like what I had said. I had been more frightened of upsetting her for 40 years than paying attention to what I really thought or needed. I was her husband emotionally, and my sister’s mother emotionally. We had very different experiences of our childhood because they were very different! I protected her and nurtured her. No one did that for me.

Therapy helped me to find out where my boundaries were and how I wanted to be treated. I now keep my mum at arm’s length. She doesn’t know anything has happened. I managed to recover without impacting her particularly apart from not seeing her much for a couple of years, which I explained away by being busy with a kid. I got over it and put it behind me and now I’m in her life enough, I’m happy to see her and I can finally be grateful for all the things she did do for me. She didn’t mean to continue the abusive practices of her upbringing and she would never be able to see that she did.

I’m not sure what advice to give you but unless your daughter has been brainwashed by a rogue therapist, she has been like me, pretending her whole life that she’s happy and putting your feelings before her own. And now she needs time to sort herself out. Be willing to listen. Don’t tell her she had a wonderful childhood because you think she did - you aren’t her. It might hurt, but it’s better to know and then say sorry and try to do things differently than to deny her experience and tell her she’s wrong - that might lose her altogether.
Wishing you luck!

Has your husband not asked your daughter what these anxieties are???! You say that your husband has no clue either, is this actually true or is your husband too worried that his honest answer will upset you? Do you worry unnecessarily over minor things? Do you expect certain behaviour from your daughter? Are you highly opinionated? Judgemental? Fearful? Do you have high expectations from others? Are you easily offended? Is nothing never good enough no matter what it might be or the effort put in? Overbearing? You need to think about your own behaviours. You also need a very honest conversation with your husband. I do wonder as others have suggested, if having some counselling yourself might help unravel the situation. Yes, there are therapists and there are therapists, some aren't properly trained, and yes it's possible your daughter has been influenced. However, I think that this is probably unlikely, from your post, your daughter didn't sound as if she is vulnerable and likely to be exploited. Most adult children don't cut a parent out their life for no reason, there's usually a whole bunch of valid ones. Your husband, if he genuinely has no idea, needs a conversation with your daughter. I suspect that your husband is aware what these anxieties are, but is too afraid of your reaction to spell it out to you. It's possible that you know that you have some oddities, but perhaps don't realise or understand that those oddities are anxiety behaviours. No one here can really give you answers, because we don't know you or your daughter.

True. I always think that, though.

I'm sorry that you have experienced such abuse, and as a result felt you had to stay in contact with your abuser(s). You deserved to feel able to leave that situation, and so does anyone else in that position. I hope you can do more healing now, because your perspective on your experience suggests you desperately need it.

Oh OP you’re in for a kicking here. The law appears to be that any person cutting off any parent is ALWAYS doing it for sound reasons, that if you stand up for yourself as a decent enough parent you are LYING, and your very belief that you were ok as a parent is used as evidence that you’re in denial about how truly appalling you were; you get piled on by people saying their dad abused them and their mum did nothing and that’s why they went no contact and so YOU MUST BE JUST AS VILE; you’ll be told you need to look long and hard into yourself because the relationship “quitter” is ALWAYS of sound mind, fair minded and has done this after months of effort while you - you smug, blind, self -satisfied horror of a parent - should have years of therapy to understand what an abusive parent you were.

it’s absolutely bollocks. Yes some parents are “toxic”, yes some parents should never have had kids and have done them terrible damage. But equally, many parents have adult children who rewrote history. It’s an absolute mind fuck

read Parents of estranged children. It helped me loads. But honestly this is NOT a subject you’ll get any understanding about on MN.

Oh and good on your daughter, OP. These things don't appear from nowhere. If you don't see the problem now then she's better off away.

You have absolutely no idea if this is the case.

I’m a therapist and would never advise someone to go no contact. It’s not my place to say so she either has a terrible therapist or went in knowing that’s what she wanted.

unfortunately sometimes parents just don’t see when they are a problem. My mother doesn’t listen to me, only talks about herself, just transmits rather than receives and shows no interest in my life. She genuinely thinks she’s the best mum ever and is very judgmental of other parents compared to her. I had to massively cut down on contact as I would feel so sad and angry around her.

she doesn’t do this on purpose but cannot engage with others properly so I had to protect myself.

She won’t live in peace though, will she? How can you even think that?

OP that's so sad for you especially if you don't know why. Could her DH be behind it?

Weirdly enough, I feel a friend of mine is being encouraged to cut contact with her parents via therapy she’s having. I mean she loves it and seems to enjoy going but I worry that it’s all a bit pop psych to blame your parents for all your problems and will lead to long term unhappiness. You only get one set of parents and they won’t be around forever. Mine are far from perfect but I love them.