My DD hasn’t spoken to me since early August 2025

[KJCP]

For years I would have said my daughter ( now late 40s) and I had a good relationship. She would ring me several times a week, send videos, ask my opinion about clothes she had bought, have a moan about work, friends etc and on Mothers Day would send the loveliest messages in cards. When she got married three years ago, she and her husband asked me and my husband ( her father) to go on a safari holiday with them ( at our expense!) but we were pleased to and had an enjoyable time. Then in July 2024 she was getting stressed about work and decided to see a therapist using the company’s health insurance scheme. The result was she was told to “set boundaries”. I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me. ( she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me) To say I am upset is an understatement. As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us but is this how my life will be? Has anyone had the same experience and has anyone any advice?

I'd guess there are probably a few clues in the details of this chain of events, which seems kind of "off": I was told in a text that my anxieties (???) were affecting her. I needed to address these “ anxieties” or she would cut all ties with me. Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me.

Did you respond to the initial text? If so, did you tell her you didn't understand what she meant - and ask what needed to change from her perspective? Was there any more discussion? And did she actually say she WAS now cutting you off/going no contact (in addition to the original text), or have you just assumed that this is what happened?

Also, what's up with your husband? Did she say anything to him or about cutting contact with him, or just you? Is the small amount of contact between them typical - she has sent the odd photo of holidays to her father but never to me - or reduced? He seems to be taking it as her cutting both of you off - As my husband says we can’t force her to contact us - but has he spoken with her about it? I don't think you should contact her directly if she has specifically asked you not to, but you need to find out if she is now/still open to having the discussion that probably should have followed the first text.

If she has asked both you and your husband not to contact her, is there anyone else who could approach her (NOT in a heavy-handed way, and not making demands or being put in the middle) simply to say that you miss her, regret the break, and are willing to talk when she's ready? If she HASN'T asked you not to contact her, what about a card or letter or email stating the above - low pressure, gives her a chance to think it over and respond when and if she's ready?

There is a saying .There is your side,your DD s side and somewhere in between is the truth! I am older and do wonder about the "helpfulness " of therapists TBH .DD obv has issues .Only you know if there is any truth to them really.Painful though it is, to really ask yourself some deep often uncomfortable truths . The other day a lady said her DD had an "amazing" childhood, but still wasnt close .It's important to realise though, that no one has a picture perfect family with horses ,dogs .and magical holidays!

I said ‘most’ children not all. Some will have genetic mental health disorders, but they are rare, and many can be treated with the right support and medication.

If your child has a genetic mental health condition surely your response is one of compassion and empathy? Understanding - perhaps not calling them twisted might help?

I understood your post and I have replied accordingly.

Google "false memory syndrome". Those kids didn't make that stuff up out of thin air. Peoples lives were ruined.

I didn't call anyone twisted. I said that things can get twisted in the mind. Big difference.

I have come across times when the problem was with the adult child. You can see examples in threads here. Grandparent has to work and won't give up paying their bills and eating to provide free childcare? Punish them. Grandparent won't downsize the house they have lived in for decades and have built their own community around, just so they can give money from the sale of their home to the adult child? Punish them. Ever heard of parental alienation? Someone else plants seeds of hostility that grow.

I've heard some very convincing stories from people only to find out something key that shows things in a very different light.

The problem is not always with the parent. There are ways of evaluating where the problem likely lies though.

I’m afraid there a lot of poor therapists out there. Also many therapists have little understanding of how neurodivergent people may think and receive information differently from others. Mental health issues often go along with ND and the mix is complex.

By the "therapist". The adults accused and the children who were ebcouraged to tell outrageous lies, and even worse believe they actually happened.

This is especially fraught when there is undiagnosed ND in one or more parties, especially generationally. It affects communication patterns, thinking, how relationships and actions are perceived. I've seen this sort of thing lead to cut off only to later realise that ND drove a lot of it and, had it been known, could have been worked with.

Absolutely spot on.

I agree with the others who say you need to discuss this with your husband. See what his opinion of how your anxieties manifested w your DD.
I don’t really get the bit about the safari - you went on and paid for their honeymoon? Seems like you were OK then to fund a very expensive holiday. How did that conversation go?

Just thinking about what kind of anxieties your DD could mean, OP? Obviously only she knows, but maybe you can reflect and come up with ideas?

Were you very protective? (Anxieties about your DD's safety that resulted in not being able to participate in socially important things or stiffled her?)
Health anxiety? (Were you overly concerned when your DD was sick, or blow up every little symptom to a full medical examination?)

My father was hugely overprotective and would have outbursts of anxious rage because of his anxiety over the world and anxiety that we would always do the wrong thing (despite no evidence to support that worry, probably the opposite in fact). It was completely unacceptable and made me very protective of my children around him. If he'd ever visited that on them, cut off might have been the only option.

There was another thread a while back about a couple who were lobbing enormous sums at their son who was distancing himself. It did sound as though they thought they had bought him in a sense. It’s important for children to learn self sufficiency and have pride in their own work ethic and progress, rather than being taken on holiday and things paid for , because that keeps adult children in a childlike dependent situation which they may resent deep down.

Where I live you can literally hang a sign outside your door calling yourself a "counsellor" or a " life coach" with zero training.
And psychiatrists , and I've met a few, are some of the oddest people I know. Seriously arrogant, little understanding of "most " people's lives, no thought of how the reports they write affect their patients (particularly if they are being paid to write the report by an insurance company) , often dress and look like the've been dragged through a hedge backwards.
No , I haven't met them because I'm bonkers. Work related. I know of only 2 out of about 20 that I would trust to hold my handbag for a few minutes. Let alone tell me deep secrets about my childhood.

I find it difficult to believe you are posting an accurate summary of her initial text. What exactly did it say? It seems unlikely she’d tell you you need to work on your “anxieties” without giving you examples of which anxieties and how they are affecting her, or what specifically she’d like you to do about it.

You then claim “I didn’t know what she was talking about” as if we should just dismiss the entire communication as incoherent. She’s no longer a toddler. If her concerns did not make sense to you, did you not ask for clarification? Surely if she’d gone to the effort of trying to initiate discussion about a problem she would be willing to explain further if you responded with genuine concern and curiosity.

I think you need to try to really take a hard look at what she’s said and what truth there may be in it from her perspective. It’s not easy as a parent to hear or think something you’ve done has wronged or hurt your child. Unfortunately none of us are perfect parents. The best we can do when our genuine flaws are pointed out to us by others, our own children, or our own changed thinking is listen, apologise, and try to do better.

Small children rely on their parents for everything and have no choice but to try to please them regardless of the relationship, as their very survival depends on it. As children grow into adults the relationship changes and both parties need to be happy with the dynamic. I think many parents of adult children expect them to continue to please and fawn over them as they grow regardless of how the parent behaves, but this is not how it works.

The few words you’ve posted indicate you are not taking her concerns seriously. Do you view and treat her as a small child whose words and opinions are not meaningful? You can continue to believe you are right and she is wrong, and she can continue to choose to keep you out of her life. Or, you can genuinely try to see things from her perspective and meet on middle ground.

Since neither I nor my husband had any idea what she was talking about, she cut off contact with me.

This sentence is the single most important thing you wrote. It's trying to do all the heavy lifting of your post but fails massively. So how exactly did the conversations go between you and your daughter when she asserted herself? And what exactly was your response?

This sentence paints you as an extremely passive victim. It really doesn't ring true.
DD "mum your behaviour of x, y and z is causing me pain. Please seek help to address why you act like this"
OP "I don't understand."
DD "mum, I can't be around you if you continue to x, y, and z"
OP "I don't understand"

I imagine that your DD made it very clear to you exactly what she was talking about. Did you listen?

Sorry, my mistake not August 2025 but AUGUST 2024 😢

This is currently happening to me. I’m the sister in this scenario except my mum is dead and not here to defend herself. It’s not a trained therapist either but some sort of ‘mentor’ and all sounds a bit weird and cultish to me.

Can you message your DD something like, "DD, I am sorry for my initial reaction when you shared with me that my anxieties were hurting you. I would like to understand this better, so I can work on them and be the kind of mother I want to be to you. I accept however you choose to communicate this to me, by person or letter or text or in a counselling session, but I am willing to hear and honestly hear what you have to say. I don't think I fully understand the anxieties and how they affected you, so would be open to hear more from you about this. In this way I can understand and begin to heal this problem. I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced and hope we can work together to grow closer over time. I love you and I'm always here for you whenever you are ready."

You don't have to agree with her perceptions, just accept they are her perceptions and she is struggling with them. You can be supportive even if you disagree.

Well that's a lovely attitude 🙄

I'm still in contact with my DM, but I have rather more understanding for those who do cut contact completely.

I considered going NC, but in the end went very low contact as a compromise as I wanted to stay in contact with other members of the family. I have regretted being even LC on many occasions.

Yes I am a parent myself, and I have been giving DM a chance to work on our relationship for over 50 years. I'm sure she moans to her friends about the "pain" of not seeing her daughter or grandchild, but the reality is that she only likes the idea of caring about us, and to be seen by others as caring about us, and does not actually give a flying fuck about us as actual human beings.

I know that to her friends and other parts of my family she says I am just a big meany for no reason. But she does know the reason (CSA) because I told her several times from a very young age.

She just doesn't like the reason, so she ignored it.

Have you had any contact with your son-in-law? Is he able to shed any light on the situation? Does your DD have siblings?

OP if you want a relationship with her I would suggest sending her a text message saying you miss her and want to work on your relationship. You want to propose a joint counselling session.

posters who feel the need to respond, are almost always keen to say their piece because they were/are in the other side of it

Yes, that's the point really. We are all here saying there was a really good reason for going NC/LC but the parent just didn't want to hear it.

Funny how no one is saying they went NC for the fun of it to be a big meany to loving parents for absolutely no good reason.

I’m NC with my own mother

No therapist involved, I’d simply had enough of her lies and manipulations.
it’s been 30 years and I’ve finally in the last few been seeing a therapist due to other issues, which she then decided to contact me in the middle of, and claim to be dying again.

Shes harassed my friends to the point some have changed phone numbers and cut contact with me, had me and my family followed and ripped off her own brother and niece of almost £100 as he was dying, then went NC with them.

She’s vile, has never met my DH or DC , but has plenty of photos of them she paid for.

There are so many reasons
and yet to her friends, family members she still speaks to, and her flying monkeys, I’m the mad one 😉

Well luckily thoughts aren’t facts. What is the it you think they have coming to them?

"at our expense!"

Is the immediate red flag I picked up when reading, and I already knew that OP would feign wide-eyed bafflement at not knowing why. Normal parents will never go out of their way to mention covering the cost of a trip with their children as a way of "scoring points". Just that telltale sign alone suggests there is a lot more OP is not revealing or refuses to reflect upon.

Having a good relationship up until now is pretty meaningless. It could easily be an enmeshed relationship where the child feels obligated to keep their parents happy even well into adulthood. They developed a fawning response as a way of coping with trauma or neglect so they'll do everything to keep the peace.