DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

I would tell him to leave and change the door lock. He is stealing and making false allegations to the police. What’s he gonna do next? He needs some tough love. If he behaves like that then there’s consequences.

Ridiculous comparison. We're talking about a parent and child here, not two adults in a relationship.

I don’t know what he stole, you haven’t said, but I wouldn’t consider my children using or taking anything from the home as stealing, not unless they took it and sold it or something like that! It’s a family home, what’s in it is generally for the whole family.

So no-one in your house has anything that's just theirs, because anything in it is for the whole family?

I’m curious about what steps you’ve taken in the past 17 years to help him develop a sense of self-worth. Does he work? Is he in education? What’s his plan for the next few years? He sounds very lost at the moment.

You can’t expect a 17 yo to behave like an adult, as you want, if you’ve infantilised them by paying for everything and running them around. You can’t force a burly 17 yo to do anything but what you can do is build up their confidence to start standing on their own two feet. What autonomy does he have? Does he get to choose what he cooks for dinner? At this age, it’s not about laying down the law and enforcing rules, it’s about making him feel like he is a valued member of the family and that his contribution is recognised.

Time for a bit of tough love, and hope it’s not too late. Stop paying for his things. If he wants a mobile, Spotify, gym membership, he has to get a job even if only part time.

What is he stealing, we don't know, we haven't been told?

Change the door lock, that's your answer is it, let your kid die on the streets in the winter, the one you gave birth to, 18 years ago!

I watched the Freddy Flintoff cricket programme, where he takes a group of underprivileged or difficult young boys to form a Cricket team, what I was most profoundly shocked by, was one boy living on his own at 16, in a sad little room with a shared kitchen area, he said how lonely he was and that he was chucked out on to the streets at 14 sleeping in shop doorways and then going to school, how anyone can willing do that to the baby they carried for 9 months and then gave birth to is beyond me.

He should be put in foster care. Absolutely dreadful he falsely accused you of abuse. Who is he going to accuse next if they displease him.

I did kick my son 17 at the time out because he was aggressive and violent towards me. Scared my younger children made life hell for a long time. Social services involved for a bit . Things got better briefly . Thats when then went backwards again. He then Into supported accommodation.

But having said that I would not have kicked him out over having a phone after 10pm and home chores. Or over stealing something from me me I would be really hurt but I wouldn't kick him out.

I really kicked my ds out because it was a dv situation that I didn't deserve and it was effecting my other children quite badly. Hes a much better person now.

Some of the stuff you mentioned does seem like a pick your battles situation. He cant grow or learn from his mistakes if you hold on to tightly.

I have a DS17 and I don’t restrict his phone access now.

However, that is because he works hard at school and helps out a bit at home, is not rude and I’m happy with his behaviour.

However, if he behaved like OP’s DS I would be doing two things: removing his phone (I pay for his usage) and stopping his allowance.

Our (DH& I) house, our rules. That is how you bring up respectful young adults. No 17 year old gets to behave badly in the this house and keep his phone. Not a chance.

Too many howevers there ..

Wow what a hard situation you're in. Does he go to college? What does he do with his days?
100% I would discreetly do what I needed to do to protect myself! A very different situation but it reminds me of when my kids were young and my estranged husband used to make aligations against me. He used to call the police and social services etc!
I think you need to get wise, set up cameras around the house, ring door bells and carry a dicterphone, don't let him know your doing it. He knows how to get to you and will use it.
Personally I would also keep a diary, record threats and his escalating behaviour.
While going through the family courts used a dictorphone and recorded my ex husbands phone calls with the kids, this was emailed to the social worker. It was also agreed that it could be used in court.
But I also think you shouldn't put any demands on him! Just let him use his phone and within reason do what ever! Ride out the last few months till he's 18 then ask him to leave.
I do, however, think it's very, very unusual, for a son to be so vengeful and angry that he would behaviour in this way! Why is he like this ?

Context - i feel we are only having part of a story here. What did he do, was it out of character- do you need to rather than default strict rules. Step back and check he ok - has he gone to the police in a desperate measure to find away to have someone listen to him?

We have a friend of my daughters sounds very similar (context being chores not putting washing out etc) She heavily controlled his phone and aspects of his life. Even when he got a job she couldnt cope with the loss of control and his (limited financial ) independence. He is 22 now, left for uni and hasn’t returned home since 18. She still feels its all his fault and he wouldn’t follow her rules/expectations. He is a really good lad, sad he has had to grow up so fast, thankfully has a roof over his head and finished uni.

@HonoriaBulstrode haha actually they do, including their phones, even though I paid for them, and once they were approaching adult hood I certainly didn’t restrict the use of! There’s a huge difference between taking/using something though and stealing, the OP hasn’t clarified what was taken or the context. generally as the parent if I buy anything it’s for the whole family. I have teenage children and a young adult child, they understand respect and boundaries and ask to borrow each other’s things all the time, to me it sounds like the OP is very strict and treating an almost adult like they are a young teen.

Interesting, as I have an older teen DS and younger DD and am not strict and have respectful teens, eldest is on track for A* and As at A level but most importantly is kind. Respectfully, that is not the only way to bring up children. I pretty much have a friendship with my eldest, I can't Imagine infantalising an almost 18 year old young person in this way.

The phone that I use for work. He has stolen money in the past.

It's normal to restrict sweets/TV/phone time for kids

Not at 17 going on 18, it isn't.

"Except of course you need to give him pocket money" - wtf!?

I was in college full time at 16 and then worked part time jobs at the weekend because I wanted a decent phone and clothes. I never got pocket money, despite my mum having a well paid job, and if I did get any money before I was legally able to work a proper job, I cleaned the bathroom, kitchen, the car etc... and what I got given for that just about covered bus fare and a maccies!

I never just got given pocket money simply for existing.

Is this a new law or something I've missed?

I'd be setting up some indoor cameras and presenting a united and firm front with your husband. Kids today are completely entitled and manipulative, he knew to go to the police to keep you living in fear in your own home. I'd be giving him his marching orders at 18 and not listening to some of the wokery on here.

All the empathy in the world towards her. None towards her son. He has damaged her reputation and endangered the life chances of his younger brother out of spite over screen time.

I'd take what he said very seriously and do a full and thorough investigation. I'd be very concerned about the safety of a vulnerable child in the home who could not tell anyone if they had also been abused. I'd also be worried about how hard it would be for that child if it came to the point of him being removed from his family because I know how difficult it is for a disabled child to adjust to a new home and new routines. I know that it takes time for someone to be able to understand the needs of a disabled child and be able to care for them in the best way. I know that the perception of social workers for some people is 'child snatcher' I know there are people who believe conspiracy theories about children being removed for financial gain so I know how terrified parents are when they are investigated. That is exactly why I see how awful it is to make false allegations and inflict so much stress on to the parents and younger sibling!
Again, you are talking about parenting your children and your belief this would never happen to you. It has already happened to OP so she needs to deal with the situation at hand, what use are your numerous judgemental comments throughout this thread? You are completely minimising the fact that someone who is practically an adult (he can legally decide to have sex, to procreate, to leave the home, to work full time, he is not a child) has made a very serious allegation against his parents and is trying to manipulate them for his own gain. How on earth can you think that is okay?

Yes I don't think letting him have his phone all the time would be the answer to all of my problems and have avoided all of this like some posters seem to think.

I would kick him out and see how he fairs in the real world.

Have you considered that he might be jealous of your younger son?

“taking something of mine without permission” - I would say this is stealing. OP has now answered your question, he stole the phone she uses for work and stolen money in the past.

Yes, changing the lock would be my answer. It’s not winter where I am right now and even if it was there are hostels out there. If he carries on stealing he could find himself in a police cell. He is nearly 18 years old, he’s not a baby and he needs to realise there’s consequences when you go thieving.

Mine was not the best behaved at 13 - and we had a couple of unacceptable uses of the phone so we clamped down hard.

I agree that parents know their own children best, and if they have generally always been well behaved, then strictness isn’t necessary - but it certainly was in our case and it appears to also be necessary in OP’s case. His behaviour has been frankly appalling.

He's doing his A-levels and has plans to go to university. I have offered to teach the life skills but it's so difficult to get him to engage. I have just left it for now.

He has no hobbies as being on his phone seems to be a full-time job! I helped him prepare a CV for a part-time job but he got discouraged when he didnt get one and just gave up. I encourage him to play sports and exercise but the phone seems to just take over his life.

He's not infantilised. I have done everything to get him on his feet and prepare for uni, but I can't force him.

His grades have slipped because he isn't getting enough work done. He comes from college, eats dinner and then just stays in his room on the phone.

He has a great relationship with his friends, goes out frequently, and is very popular. However, his social life seems to be at the expense of doing anything around the home, and his college work is suffering.

I don't see why he should have no respect for the home that I work so hard to pay the bills for and spend all the time on his phone with no regard for anyone else.