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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DD in abusive relationship-never ending

142 replies

Conniebygaslight · 16/04/2025 17:36

Has anyone struggled with their DD in an abusive relationship? No kids involved and she’s only 19 but it’s gone on since she was 14. She’s obsessed with the lowlife and no matter what we do she doesn’t want to get out of it but has no life. Any encouraging stories welcome. Desperate for any hope at all.

OP posts:
Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 16/04/2025 18:03

I was the DD in an abusive relationship, from 15 to 25.

There’s a lot more to it in my case but the best thing you can do is keep communication open so that she knows she has where to turn to when she inevitably realises the situation she’s in. And try to make sure she is on contraception, although if she’s 19 now there’s not much you can do.

tryingtheappforachange · 16/04/2025 18:13

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Bananalanacake · 16/04/2025 18:54

Can you find out if she has solid contraception, it would be a disaster if she has a DC with him.

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 16/04/2025 22:18

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2025 18:54

Can you find out if she has solid contraception, it would be a disaster if she has a DC with him.

She does. He wouldn’t in anyway tolerate a pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 16/04/2025 22:20

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 16/04/2025 18:03

I was the DD in an abusive relationship, from 15 to 25.

There’s a lot more to it in my case but the best thing you can do is keep communication open so that she knows she has where to turn to when she inevitably realises the situation she’s in. And try to make sure she is on contraception, although if she’s 19 now there’s not much you can do.

Can I ask if you made the decision yourself to leave?
she has contraception, he would no way accept a pregnancy

OP posts:
Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 16/04/2025 23:00

@Conniebygaslight I noticed I had made a huge mistake after moving in with him at 16, but I didn’t really have anywhere to turn to (there’s a lot more to it but I can’t really disclose here), which is why generally I think it’s very important to keep the door open to young daughters even when they mess up.

If she ever moves in with him (hopefully not) it might do the trick because no one can pretend 24/7. The penny will drop at some point.

EG94 · 16/04/2025 23:01

Sorry to hear this. I often think of you and wonder. Keep the faith. As first pp said, and I said too. Make it clear you’ll always be there for her 🩷

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 16/04/2025 23:04

Can you focus on having a nice time with her, days out, take her to the cinema, or whatever she enjoys? So she can make that comparison herself and decide what kind of life she wants. If you’re aware that he is abusing her in any way then report him to the police. What is happening exactly, how dangerous is he?

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2025 23:55

That's good about the contraception, I have learnt on here that abusive men often use pregnancy as a way to trap their victims to make it more difficult for them to leave. Just hope they don't buy a property together.

BunnyRuddington · 18/04/2025 08:03

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2025 23:55

That's good about the contraception, I have learnt on here that abusive men often use pregnancy as a way to trap their victims to make it more difficult for them to leave. Just hope they don't buy a property together.

I think it’s good that she’s got her contraception sorted too.

It must be so bloody difficult for you Flowers

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 19/04/2025 09:25

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 16/04/2025 23:04

Can you focus on having a nice time with her, days out, take her to the cinema, or whatever she enjoys? So she can make that comparison herself and decide what kind of life she wants. If you’re aware that he is abusing her in any way then report him to the police. What is happening exactly, how dangerous is he?

She can’t/wont spend any time with us. Unfortunately. She has no friends either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 19/04/2025 09:26

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 16/04/2025 23:04

Can you focus on having a nice time with her, days out, take her to the cinema, or whatever she enjoys? So she can make that comparison herself and decide what kind of life she wants. If you’re aware that he is abusing her in any way then report him to the police. What is happening exactly, how dangerous is he?

I have been to the police, it’s logged with the DV team.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 19/04/2025 09:27

EG94 · 16/04/2025 23:01

Sorry to hear this. I often think of you and wonder. Keep the faith. As first pp said, and I said too. Make it clear you’ll always be there for her 🩷

Thank you, he’s kicked her out again and she’s frantic, trying to get back to him. He’s messed her up so much 💔

OP posts:
Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 19/04/2025 09:28

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2025 23:55

That's good about the contraception, I have learnt on here that abusive men often use pregnancy as a way to trap their victims to make it more difficult for them to leave. Just hope they don't buy a property together.

He’s incapable of buying a property, he can hardly string a sentence together and will never work.

OP posts:
StMarie4me · 19/04/2025 09:30

What an horrific situation for you. Have you done a Clare’s Law request? Not that there’s guaranteed to be any previous on record.
I had a son in a controlling relationship. It took 6 years but he left the relationship himself eventually. I hope your DD does, too.

BunnyRuddington · 19/04/2025 09:30

Conniebygaslight · 19/04/2025 09:25

She can’t/wont spend any time with us. Unfortunately. She has no friends either.

Show quote history

Where is she then if he’s kicked her out? This must be so, so difficult for you Flowers

CharSiu · 19/04/2025 09:31

So he has ostracised her from everyone, how do you know she is kicked out? Is she in touch a little by msg or is this somehow via SM?

If she is in touch then without any comments as to why just write she can stay with you if she needs to.

Slinky40 · 19/04/2025 09:45

I’m in a bit of a similar situation although my daughter goes out to work and has a social life, I hear through friends he hounds and pesters her when he can calling her and her friends for everything. He is ADHD and I’d go as far to say has an intellectual disability too. He will never work or hold down a job, he relies on her far too much and she feels sorry for him. Their relationship took a bad turn last year and in November she left him (she has her own house). He went on a downward spiral and ended up with drug induced psychosis. His family love her as she fixes all their problems and babysits for them! They have toxic rows that have gotten physical. I was a single parent to her and have done everything in my power to help her be the best version of herself and part of me is sad that she’s so kind hearted as she can’t leave him. I pray they don’t have a child together. She’s 27 and I feel that may come soon. I am helpless too 😑. I hope the penny drops for your daughter too . This isn’t something I had prepared myself for in life at all.

EG94 · 19/04/2025 09:45

Conniebygaslight · 19/04/2025 09:27

Thank you, he’s kicked her out again and she’s frantic, trying to get back to him. He’s messed her up so much 💔

Show quote history

That’s the trauma bond. Honestly I’m not exaggerating I would liken it to being a drug addict. He is pushing her away and watching and enjoying her despair. Reinforcing to him, he is in control. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse. For someone who hasn’t been through it, they will make comments like, why doesn’t she just leave, what’s wrong with her, she must have no self respect.

her brain is infected. Abuse is so so cruel and only she can get herself out, you can only support her when she makes the decision to. On average victims of abuse try to leave the relationship 7 times before being successful.

hopefully she comes home during this bust up, sees what being around people who do love you feels like. Safe.

Catlady63 · 19/04/2025 09:49

Is she finished school? Have you talked to her about college or uni, she'd meet people, make some new friends, be exposed to young people with healthier relationships, and get some distance from this awful boy.

You can talk to her about it without mentioning him at all, make it about her interests, her earning power to be able to afford rent on somewhere nice to live etc. I imagine he wouldn't be keen, but her ability to make money might tip the scales for him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this 💐

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 08:16

She is living with us at the moment. But she is obsessed with getting him back, she has a job and she is holding that down. All she does is drive around for hours trying to catch sight of him. She won’t do anything with us and hardly engages with us. I know about trauma bonds and abuse etc. I was looking for some hope if anyone has been through it and come out the other side. He is an absolute low life, like a troll in a cave and never leaves it. She is a broken shell of a person. She won’t entertain talks about her future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 08:18

Slinky40 · 19/04/2025 09:45

I’m in a bit of a similar situation although my daughter goes out to work and has a social life, I hear through friends he hounds and pesters her when he can calling her and her friends for everything. He is ADHD and I’d go as far to say has an intellectual disability too. He will never work or hold down a job, he relies on her far too much and she feels sorry for him. Their relationship took a bad turn last year and in November she left him (she has her own house). He went on a downward spiral and ended up with drug induced psychosis. His family love her as she fixes all their problems and babysits for them! They have toxic rows that have gotten physical. I was a single parent to her and have done everything in my power to help her be the best version of herself and part of me is sad that she’s so kind hearted as she can’t leave him. I pray they don’t have a child together. She’s 27 and I feel that may come soon. I am helpless too 😑. I hope the penny drops for your daughter too . This isn’t something I had prepared myself for in life at all.

I’m so sorry. It’s awful isn’t it. My DD tries to fix his family too. Half of whom are in prison xx

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 20/04/2025 08:19

Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 08:16

She is living with us at the moment. But she is obsessed with getting him back, she has a job and she is holding that down. All she does is drive around for hours trying to catch sight of him. She won’t do anything with us and hardly engages with us. I know about trauma bonds and abuse etc. I was looking for some hope if anyone has been through it and come out the other side. He is an absolute low life, like a troll in a cave and never leaves it. She is a broken shell of a person. She won’t entertain talks about her future.

Can’t imagine how hard this must be.

I know you know about trauma bond , has she ever mentioned it?

letsnotIRL · 20/04/2025 08:28

This was me. From age 13 to 20, I was besotted with him and he was awful, took drugs, abused alcohol, abusive, a cheater. But it didn't matter what happened I always went back! I was obsessed!
I made the decision myself at around 20, due to a huge trauma, it completely shifted my opinion of him and the whole situation. Unfortunately it took something like that for me to "see the light".
I would advise the same as other pp. Keep talking to her, don't judge (to her face), just make sure she knows yous are all there for her. And keep reporting if you witness anything. Wish I could offer more advice. Hopefully she can get out from under him!
I would definitely recommend therapy. It sounds like she could use some professional input as well. Driving around for hours is beyond obsessive, definitely a trauma bond x

Cynicalaboutall · 20/04/2025 08:31

What is her relationship like with her Dad?