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Original poster

DD in abusive relationship-never ending

142 replies

Conniebygaslight · 16/04/2025 17:36

Has anyone struggled with their DD in an abusive relationship? No kids involved and she’s only 19 but it’s gone on since she was 14. She’s obsessed with the lowlife and no matter what we do she doesn’t want to get out of it but has no life. Any encouraging stories welcome. Desperate for any hope at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 08:17

dontcryformeargentina · 21/04/2025 11:38

Also , read up on drama triangle please. It looks like she is stuck in rescuer and victim roles.

I know about that.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 08:19

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 21/04/2025 09:11

So does he not want a relationship with your dd if he is wanting her at your home. It sounds like she is the controlling one not leaving him alone stalking him refusing the end of the relationship

He creates an argument usually by cheating, then kicks her out because she’s upset. Blocks her etc, he then clicks his fingers and she goes back. She knows he’ll always click his fingers because she’s useful to him. She is his complete slave.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 08:22

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 09:31

If she's living with an addict and driving him around to deal. She will be using drugs. They are also likely to be in very deep if he is dealing.

Have you reported him to the police as a drug dealer.

She's in a spiral and you need to stop it by dealing with him. She will likely have to have some drug related and emotional rehab once you get her out.

I am sorry op, but nobody lives with a dealer without becoming a user.

she does everything for him, he doesn’t drive. I’ve reported to the police, there are definitely no signs of drug use at all. He is the addiction. She could procure drugs anywhere if drugs were the issue.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 08:25

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/04/2025 10:44

I’m sorry to butt in but this is highly unlikely. If she lives with him and he’s using, she’s using. She’ll be doing everything he wants, drugs included.

It’s likely you or anyone at work can’t tell because of the type of drugs or depending on her job (ie hospitality), they’re just covering it up.

Considering this additional information, I would strongly consider setting up an intervention.

Show quote history

She doesn’t work in hospitality. This is not some love story where they’re doing drugs together. She fully supports him financially and he sure as hell wouldn’t give her drugs for free. I’m talking weed not really much more, the police are aware of him and say he’s small fry. They’re not that interested. Obviously we are. What do you suggest we do exactly?. I have reported it.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 08:30

EG94 · 20/04/2025 09:33

I ready why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and I was like yes yes omg yes yes yes and it was a real eye opener. It might be too much because she’s really not ready to see this for what it is but you know your daughter best, perhaps you could ask her to read it?

in a way I hope he has discarded her because it will be easier for her in the long run. Abusers can sometimes discard and not return although takes a while for them to find a new victim and they sometimes return.

I wish I was friends with your daughter I totally understand and I have no judgement for her decisions

Thank you. She refuses to do anything to help herself. She knows he’s abusive and doesn’t try to defend him. She just says she loves him and is sorry for causing hurt to us all. It’s gone on for years but worse since she left home at 18. In that year he’s kicked her out 3 times. She went back again yesterday. He’s never even held her hand.

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Fluffypotatoe123987 · 22/04/2025 10:12

Buy a drug test and test her. She's behaving like she is as she's craving drugs and her emotions are all over due to withdrawal. Sorry but I've recently got rid of a bf who injected it. I hadn't realised and that's not my scene but my God his moods his behaviours etc. She's addicted to him as she is more likely addicted to cocaine. But the drug test and see. You don't even need to tell her it's for a test you can keep that to yourself just the GP had rang up as they need to do yearly tests to people on contraception to ensure they aren't pregnant and you need to drop it of or something

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 22/04/2025 10:42

@Conniebygaslight I agree with PP, get a drug test and see her reaction. If it’s only weed it’s not as bad, far less worrying.

But it’s still good to know for sure. Coke is extremely common in the UK at the moment, including among young people. I know far too many people nowadays that use it and you wouldn’t have a clue.

There is a chance she’s not using at all - when I was young and stuck in that relationship, I also didn’t do any drugs. I didn’t even drink. But he did and took all my spare money with him, including money I had saved up to get my drivers license Ben I turned 18. He is probably controlling her financially as well.

Sistatrouble · 22/04/2025 10:49

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Starlight7080 · 22/04/2025 10:54

I have daughters and this is one of my worries. I do hope she clicks someday soon and stops seeing him.
My sound daft but can you take her away abroad for a long holiday. Show her how exciting and fun life can be. How small and sad her life with him will be

underseige05 · 22/04/2025 11:59

This is happening to my son 19 nearly 20 been with his girlfriend around a year. Moved out and live with her family, refuses to spend anytime with us. She can do no wrong ever. She's ADHD, medicated I believe but my Ds says her behaviour is worse than ever. He is just so in love with her he can't see how damaging its all become. She's physically abusive to her and they argue pretty much all the time. I can see that when it's good it's amazing between them but the lows which are much more frequent are horrendous.
I no longer get the verbal abuse from her as she is now blocked on all social media, WhatsApp etc and I feel like I can breath again as when my notifications on my phone went I would physically feel sick.
The only problem now is I am getting nasty messages off my own Ds when things aren't going well and he takes his anger out on me as I believe she is getting into his head. He was such a friendly kind boy before he met her.
I have to keep telling myself that it can't last forever but it's so difficult.
Wishing you all the best and hoping she manages to break away from him.9

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 16:23

Starlight7080 · 22/04/2025 10:54

I have daughters and this is one of my worries. I do hope she clicks someday soon and stops seeing him.
My sound daft but can you take her away abroad for a long holiday. Show her how exciting and fun life can be. How small and sad her life with him will be

It doesn’t sound daft, she would worry about being away from him for more than a couple of hours- it was my birthday recently and she wouldn’t even have food with us.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 16:27

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 22/04/2025 10:42

@Conniebygaslight I agree with PP, get a drug test and see her reaction. If it’s only weed it’s not as bad, far less worrying.

But it’s still good to know for sure. Coke is extremely common in the UK at the moment, including among young people. I know far too many people nowadays that use it and you wouldn’t have a clue.

There is a chance she’s not using at all - when I was young and stuck in that relationship, I also didn’t do any drugs. I didn’t even drink. But he did and took all my spare money with him, including money I had saved up to get my drivers license Ben I turned 18. He is probably controlling her financially as well.

She doesn’t drink either. She drives him around selling his drugs to his contacts, he hasn’t taken her anywhere in nearly 5 years, no restaurant, cinema or anywhere. He is paranoid so will only leave the house with his mate who he dosses with my DD has to take them anywhere they want to go. He is completely incapable of any social interaction so when I say she has no life, she really doesn’t. She funds him completely and does everything for him.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 16:28

@Bingbopboomboomboombopbam shes gone back to him again now…..back to the worry

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 16:29

underseige05 · 22/04/2025 11:59

This is happening to my son 19 nearly 20 been with his girlfriend around a year. Moved out and live with her family, refuses to spend anytime with us. She can do no wrong ever. She's ADHD, medicated I believe but my Ds says her behaviour is worse than ever. He is just so in love with her he can't see how damaging its all become. She's physically abusive to her and they argue pretty much all the time. I can see that when it's good it's amazing between them but the lows which are much more frequent are horrendous.
I no longer get the verbal abuse from her as she is now blocked on all social media, WhatsApp etc and I feel like I can breath again as when my notifications on my phone went I would physically feel sick.
The only problem now is I am getting nasty messages off my own Ds when things aren't going well and he takes his anger out on me as I believe she is getting into his head. He was such a friendly kind boy before he met her.
I have to keep telling myself that it can't last forever but it's so difficult.
Wishing you all the best and hoping she manages to break away from him.9

I’m so sorry….it’s horrendous. Sending you a hug

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Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 22/04/2025 16:55

@Conniebygaslight I can’t remember if you’ve mentioned it before but have you reached out to the police to check your options? It honestly sounds like she lives under coercion.

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 23/04/2025 05:52

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 22/04/2025 16:55

@Conniebygaslight I can’t remember if you’ve mentioned it before but have you reached out to the police to check your options? It honestly sounds like she lives under coercion.

Yes she does, and I have none.

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Mudsludge · 02/06/2025 13:59

These situations escalate. His drug taking, money issues, paranoia, abuse etc. The dynamic will change and there will be a point when she's hit her rock bottom - and may leave - but is likely to go back until one day its too much.

All you can do is wait, be open, dont judge or comment as this closes her down and inadvertently pushes her to him.

Know this is a long game. Hope that by 25 she will see the light. Put in enough self care for you and your family to sustain this emotional marathon.

How are you doing this month @Conniebygaslight ?

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/06/2025 14:03

@ConniebygaslightYou said she’s driving him around while he deals? Perhaps you’d like to tell her about my family member who did this under similar circumstances and is now in prison for 8 years because she helped him by driving him round. Jesus Christ you must be going out of your mind!

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 03/06/2025 06:13

Mudsludge · 02/06/2025 13:59

These situations escalate. His drug taking, money issues, paranoia, abuse etc. The dynamic will change and there will be a point when she's hit her rock bottom - and may leave - but is likely to go back until one day its too much.

All you can do is wait, be open, dont judge or comment as this closes her down and inadvertently pushes her to him.

Know this is a long game. Hope that by 25 she will see the light. Put in enough self care for you and your family to sustain this emotional marathon.

How are you doing this month @Conniebygaslight ?

Much the same, thank you for asking. We know we’re in for the long haul. We saw her briefly yesterday. She acts all breezy as if her life is normal. We have no idea where her rock bottom will be as the bar is so low and the lies she tells are ridiculous so we never know how she is. She’s back with him so she is obviously pretending to herself that she’s fine and all she has to do is everything in her power to keep him. We just have to wait.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 03/06/2025 06:14

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/06/2025 14:03

@ConniebygaslightYou said she’s driving him around while he deals? Perhaps you’d like to tell her about my family member who did this under similar circumstances and is now in prison for 8 years because she helped him by driving him round. Jesus Christ you must be going out of your mind!

Do you honestly think I haven’t told her such things and that I don’t live with this fear every waking moment?

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TheFormidableMrsC · 03/06/2025 06:57

Conniebygaslight · 03/06/2025 06:14

Do you honestly think I haven’t told her such things and that I don’t live with this fear every waking moment?

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Apologies if my post came across the wrong way. That wasn’t how it was meant. I feel extremely sad for you and as a parent, I can’t begin to imagine your fear and indeed how helpless you must feel. I hope you get a breakthrough soon 💐

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 03/06/2025 12:10

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/06/2025 06:57

Apologies if my post came across the wrong way. That wasn’t how it was meant. I feel extremely sad for you and as a parent, I can’t begin to imagine your fear and indeed how helpless you must feel. I hope you get a breakthrough soon 💐

Show quote history

Thank you

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Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/06/2025 12:43

How is DD doing, OP? Has she been in touch?

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 03/06/2025 13:22

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/06/2025 12:43

How is DD doing, OP? Has she been in touch?

Hi thank you, yes she has. We saw her briefly yesterday. She carries on as though everything is normal. It's just back on the cycle again.

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Flamingfeline · 03/06/2025 13:41

This happened to us a long time ago. There was a pregnancy, drugs, violence and control. I didn’t criticise him but listened when I did see her and she did eventually open up to some extent. Our relationship survived due to me biting my tongue. I reported everything I heard to the police, unbeknownst to her, I spent quite a bit of time sitting in the waiting area at the police station until I could see someone. Ultimately he was arrested but not for the abuse. His prison term gave her time to get free (in her head).
Now a long time later she is leading a happy successful life, married with a very decent kind husband. The child she had with her abuser grew up happy and loved by all of us, and a great big brother to his younger (half) siblings.
Apologies if I’ve missed this but has anyone done a DV risk assessment? If it’s high enough it could trigger a Multi Agency Risk Assessment and services would be called in.
Sometimes there is a happy ending after the terrible distress and despair.