Page 3 | DD in abusive relationship-never ending

Conniebygaslight · 2025-04-16T16:36:09+00:00

Has anyone struggled with their DD in an abusive relationship? No kids involved and she’s only 19 but it’s gone on since she was 14. She’s obsessed with the lowlife and no matter what we do she doesn’t want to get out of it but has no life. Any encouraging stories welcome. Desperate for any hope at all.

BunnyRuddington · 20/04/2025 19:33

When you say she won’t engage with you and DH at all ok reading that as totally, so not even sit and eat a meal altogether?

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 20/04/2025 19:44

The sad reality OP is that she may never see the light. She's dependent on him, almost brain washed and incapable of independent thought anymore. All you can do is surround her with normal - and it's positive she's holding a job down. If you say anything bad about him, you're just reinforcing her idea that it's her and him against the world.

BunnyRuddington · 20/04/2025 19:49

BunnyRuddington · 20/04/2025 19:33

When you say she won’t engage with you and DH at all ok reading that as totally, so not even sit and eat a meal altogether?

Sorry that didn’t quite make sense. I think autocorrect had a bit of a hand in that.

What I meant is that I’m reading it as she won’t engage with you at all in any level of family life? Eating a meal, going to the supermarket, visiting relatives? It sounds as though she’s either at work or in her car investing over him?

Apollobinds · 20/04/2025 20:11

Just wanted to send a message of solidarity as this is exactly the same situation my 20 year old daughter is going through. There is no amount of talking to her about it or explaining about healthy relationships that has helped. I bought her the book ‘why does he do that’ but she won’t read it. I have done a Claire’s law request and her boyfriends has been arrested for controlling and coercive behaviour. But still she stays and only wants to be with him. I have resigned myself to the fact that she’s got to come to her own realisation about it. Unfortunately my daughter has moved in with her boyfriend and his dysfunctional family so I can’t keep an eye on things. She knows she’s always welcome home. I just hope that she comes to her senses soon. This has been the most distressing time for our family. I am sending hugs - I know how hard it is to see your daughter like this.

Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 08:39

Apollobinds · 20/04/2025 20:11

Just wanted to send a message of solidarity as this is exactly the same situation my 20 year old daughter is going through. There is no amount of talking to her about it or explaining about healthy relationships that has helped. I bought her the book ‘why does he do that’ but she won’t read it. I have done a Claire’s law request and her boyfriends has been arrested for controlling and coercive behaviour. But still she stays and only wants to be with him. I have resigned myself to the fact that she’s got to come to her own realisation about it. Unfortunately my daughter has moved in with her boyfriend and his dysfunctional family so I can’t keep an eye on things. She knows she’s always welcome home. I just hope that she comes to her senses soon. This has been the most distressing time for our family. I am sending hugs - I know how hard it is to see your daughter like this.

Thank you for your reply and to everyone else too. I’m sorry that you’re going through this too. It’s terrible. I think you are right and we just have to be patient. It’s terribly hard, he lives with his mate and 3 XL bullies too. He has never taken my DD anywhere in all the time they’ve been together. She has absolutely no life at all, goes nowhere and sees nobody, she is merely a slave to him. We are desperate. I hope it ends for you soon.

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Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 08:42

BunnyRuddington · 20/04/2025 19:49

Sorry that didn’t quite make sense. I think autocorrect had a bit of a hand in that.

What I meant is that I’m reading it as she won’t engage with you at all in any level of family life? Eating a meal, going to the supermarket, visiting relatives? It sounds as though she’s either at work or in her car investing over him?

Show quote history

Yes, when she lives with him she sometimes comes over for the odd meal but no more than that and doesn’t really speak as she has nothing to say. She missed her sister’s 21st and her brother’s birthday. Won’t come to any family events. Didn’t come when our family pet died. When he kicks her out, she comes home but spends every moment she’s not at work just driving around looking for him. It’s is definitely a trauma bond.

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Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 08:51

Yes, when she lives with him she sometimes comes over for the odd meal but no more than that and doesn’t really speak as she has nothing to say. She missed her sister’s 21st and her brother’s birthday. Won’t come to any family events. Didn’t come when our family pet died. When he kicks her out, she comes home but spends every moment she’s not at work just driving around looking for him. It’s is definitely a trauma bond.

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Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 08:52

BunnyRuddington · 20/04/2025 19:33

When you say she won’t engage with you and DH at all ok reading that as totally, so not even sit and eat a meal altogether?

Rarely and hardly speaks or just puts on this very off facade pretending she’s fine

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Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 08:55

kaela100 · 20/04/2025 19:14

I think you should keep them close. In some Indian cultures families often spoil their abusive sons in law, treat them really really well, and make every opportunity to arrange functions / dinners where they are the guests of honour, while they make a get out plan for their daughters. A few of my friends' brothers and dads even played the long game and befriended their abusive husbands for years so they were absolutely blindsided when the family finally converged to protect their own.

He doesn’t leave the house except to sell drugs which my DD drives him around to do. He is incapable of any social reaction, we haven’t seen him in about 4 years.

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Fluffypotatoe123987 · 21/04/2025 09:11

So does he not want a relationship with your dd if he is wanting her at your home. It sounds like she is the controlling one not leaving him alone stalking him refusing the end of the relationship

Goodtimesforachange · 21/04/2025 09:12

Hi @Conniebygaslight

Not sure this is of any use to you but might offer some hope. I am male and got into a very intense but damaging relationship when I was 19 really made me miss some of the fun times I should of been having.

My parents like you were beside themselves. We as a couple were from opposite side of the tracks and thinking back this was some of the attraction plus the volatile nature of the relationship was addictive.

I read a neuroscience book on teens recently and so much of it made me reflect on my choices as a teen and realise that my brain had not fully developed. As people around me could not understand why I was doing what I was doing.

The good news is it ended. It took one event to change my prospective. I opened the door went back home and never went back.

I do think that loved ones around me backed off to much in the fear of loosing me. I in my adult life decided that if someone is in a bad relationship I will tell them at risk of the relationship.

My greatest realisation from that time is that if everyone you love and cares for you is telling you that this person is making you unhappy then there is the slightest chance that they might be right and you may have a clouded view.

I ended up with a happy life and relationship but I look back an realise I got away with murder and am terrified when my DS start dating

very best of luck x

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 21/04/2025 09:14

Is she a drug addict and she's searching for drugs when not with him

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 21/04/2025 09:17

Goodtimesforachange · 21/04/2025 09:12

Hi @Conniebygaslight

Not sure this is of any use to you but might offer some hope. I am male and got into a very intense but damaging relationship when I was 19 really made me miss some of the fun times I should of been having.

My parents like you were beside themselves. We as a couple were from opposite side of the tracks and thinking back this was some of the attraction plus the volatile nature of the relationship was addictive.

I read a neuroscience book on teens recently and so much of it made me reflect on my choices as a teen and realise that my brain had not fully developed. As people around me could not understand why I was doing what I was doing.

The good news is it ended. It took one event to change my prospective. I opened the door went back home and never went back.

I do think that loved ones around me backed off to much in the fear of loosing me. I in my adult life decided that if someone is in a bad relationship I will tell them at risk of the relationship.

My greatest realisation from that time is that if everyone you love and cares for you is telling you that this person is making you unhappy then there is the slightest chance that they might be right and you may have a clouded view.

I ended up with a happy life and relationship but I look back an realise I got away with murder and am terrified when my DS start dating

very best of luck x

What do you mean you got away with murder. We're you tur abuser in that case

Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 09:25

Goodtimesforachange · 21/04/2025 09:12

Hi @Conniebygaslight

Not sure this is of any use to you but might offer some hope. I am male and got into a very intense but damaging relationship when I was 19 really made me miss some of the fun times I should of been having.

My parents like you were beside themselves. We as a couple were from opposite side of the tracks and thinking back this was some of the attraction plus the volatile nature of the relationship was addictive.

I read a neuroscience book on teens recently and so much of it made me reflect on my choices as a teen and realise that my brain had not fully developed. As people around me could not understand why I was doing what I was doing.

The good news is it ended. It took one event to change my prospective. I opened the door went back home and never went back.

I do think that loved ones around me backed off to much in the fear of loosing me. I in my adult life decided that if someone is in a bad relationship I will tell them at risk of the relationship.

My greatest realisation from that time is that if everyone you love and cares for you is telling you that this person is making you unhappy then there is the slightest chance that they might be right and you may have a clouded view.

I ended up with a happy life and relationship but I look back an realise I got away with murder and am terrified when my DS start dating

very best of luck x

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. I understand her brain isn’t fully developed and really hope she will see sense. I’m glad you’re now living a happy life 🥰

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Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 09:26

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 21/04/2025 09:14

Is she a drug addict and she's searching for drugs when not with him

No she isn’t on drugs, her employer who I speak to also believes there is no sign of this. He is the drug to my DD

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Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 09:27

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 21/04/2025 09:11

So does he not want a relationship with your dd if he is wanting her at your home. It sounds like she is the controlling one not leaving him alone stalking him refusing the end of the relationship

He is making it so she is addicted to him.

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Goodtimesforachange · 21/04/2025 09:27

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 21/04/2025 09:17

What do you mean you got away with murder. We're you tur abuser in that case

Show quote history

Sorry really poor choice of phrase for on here and for that I am sorry. I usually try to read the room as a man on MN but the emotion got to me as It is the real phrase I use to explain how my life would have been if I had not gotten away. I can see how that is in bad taste.

No I was not the abuser there was emotional abuse but not from me. This made it harder to leave not easier. Thought if I tried harder was better then things would be different but they were never going to be. We were just bad for each other.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 09:31

If she's living with an addict and driving him around to deal. She will be using drugs. They are also likely to be in very deep if he is dealing.

Have you reported him to the police as a drug dealer.

She's in a spiral and you need to stop it by dealing with him. She will likely have to have some drug related and emotional rehab once you get her out.

I am sorry op, but nobody lives with a dealer without becoming a user.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/04/2025 10:44

Conniebygaslight · 21/04/2025 09:26

No she isn’t on drugs, her employer who I speak to also believes there is no sign of this. He is the drug to my DD

Show quote history

I’m sorry to butt in but this is highly unlikely. If she lives with him and he’s using, she’s using. She’ll be doing everything he wants, drugs included.

It’s likely you or anyone at work can’t tell because of the type of drugs or depending on her job (ie hospitality), they’re just covering it up.

Considering this additional information, I would strongly consider setting up an intervention.

TheHerboriste · 21/04/2025 10:53

Conniebygaslight · 19/04/2025 09:28

He’s incapable of buying a property, he can hardly string a sentence together and will never work.

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What do you think the attraction is?

dontcryformeargentina · 21/04/2025 11:36

She needs a therapy. Can you persuade her to give it a try. Find a very good therapist

dontcryformeargentina · 21/04/2025 11:38

Also , read up on drama triangle please. It looks like she is stuck in rescuer and victim roles.

Sistatrouble · 21/04/2025 12:14

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Parsley1234 · 21/04/2025 12:25

Yes an intervention

Original poster

Conniebygaslight · 22/04/2025 08:16

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Thank you for taking the time to post, it was hopeful stories like yours I was looking for. She’s gone back to him now. He will make her do even more for him as she will be terrified he’ll kick her out again. If you’re willing for me to message you that would be very helpful thank you.

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