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Original poster

DD in abusive relationship-never ending

142 replies

Conniebygaslight · 16/04/2025 17:36

Has anyone struggled with their DD in an abusive relationship? No kids involved and she’s only 19 but it’s gone on since she was 14. She’s obsessed with the lowlife and no matter what we do she doesn’t want to get out of it but has no life. Any encouraging stories welcome. Desperate for any hope at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 08:44

BunnyRuddington · 20/04/2025 08:19

Can’t imagine how hard this must be.

I know you know about trauma bond , has she ever mentioned it?

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I’ve told her about it but she just nods and says she can’t do anything about it. Won’t seek help either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 08:46

StMarie4me · 19/04/2025 09:30

What an horrific situation for you. Have you done a Clare’s Law request? Not that there’s guaranteed to be any previous on record.
I had a son in a controlling relationship. It took 6 years but he left the relationship himself eventually. I hope your DD does, too.

She wouldn’t take any notice of a Claire’s law outcome

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 08:50

Cynicalaboutall · 20/04/2025 08:31

What is her relationship like with her Dad?

Brilliant, we are a very close family. She met this guy when she was being horrendously bullied at school. He was a hard nut so the bullies stopped. Me and her dad have been happily married nearly 30 years and she is our youngest. The difference between our DD and this guy is quantum in every way. He has nothing to do with us despite us trying, he doesn’t give a shit about our DD except what she can do for him

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Fraaances · 20/04/2025 08:52

Do you think you could talk her into doing the Freedom Program?

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 09:04

Fraaances · 20/04/2025 08:52

Do you think you could talk her into doing the Freedom Program?

I’ve tried but she doesn’t want to. Her boss is going to try too.

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Fluffypotatoe123987 · 20/04/2025 09:14

Buy her the book the woman who loved 2 much.

Also I read as ive been in simular situation and still am. If you feel sorry for them in any way it's not love. Your dd is enjoying the hero complex and the highs and lows and the bread crumbs thrown at her. Is she adhd does she need sertraline.
Since going on concerta and sertraline 100mg I see fact for what it is now and not basing everything on emotion. My recent ex I found out was a full on cocaine addict after lots of issues. Anyways I gave him a boundary we had an honest chat and then next thing he stole my car and came back of his head. As soon as he came back I told him he shit on my boundaries hadn't listened to what I had said and I ended it there and then and took him to his flat. I did live with him at mine for a while until I couldn't cope and got him the flat. He now knows I won't accept the shit and is saying he's going to beat the addiction now and meet him in 3 weeks and see how it's going. But ultimately she needs to stop enabling shitty things

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 20/04/2025 09:15

Exactly same here. I found out he says he loves me but it's more what I do for him. See if she would be OK with trying sertraline it really helps emotions and thinking logically. Also get her to journal on her notes on her secure folder

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 20/04/2025 09:16

The new app chatgpt gives amazing psychic readings mebtion that to her as well I had an amazing one which truly made me reflect

RosesAndHellebores · 20/04/2025 09:16

In a situation like this, I think utter boileaux to the freedom programmes, therapy and trauma bonds. The most effective thing in these circumstances is a serious interaction with the first fifteen and a promise that there'll be a repeat performance if one more hair on her head is harmed. I am under no illusion that DS would not arrange this if anyone laid a finger on his sister.

NeedToChangeName · 20/04/2025 09:20

It's encouraging that she's with you now

I'd advise to do everything in your power to keep that connection. Sadly, she'll only end the relationship if / when she chooses to

EG94 · 20/04/2025 09:33

I ready why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and I was like yes yes omg yes yes yes and it was a real eye opener. It might be too much because she’s really not ready to see this for what it is but you know your daughter best, perhaps you could ask her to read it?

in a way I hope he has discarded her because it will be easier for her in the long run. Abusers can sometimes discard and not return although takes a while for them to find a new victim and they sometimes return.

I wish I was friends with your daughter I totally understand and I have no judgement for her decisions

Silvertulips · 20/04/2025 09:40

Dear fried was in the same position, managed to get away a few times and then went back - took two years of me prodding and poking to get her to see the light.

It can happen, but she must want to break the addiction more than she wants to be with him.

AcrobaticCardigan · 20/04/2025 10:22

My advice is to make lots of fun / exciting plans and get her out meeting new people. Make her realise she will have a great & much happier life away from him. If she stays it will only ever be misery. I feel for her & all of you. I wish her the best & that she is soon out of this situation.

BunnyRuddington · 20/04/2025 10:53

RosesAndHellebores · 20/04/2025 09:16

In a situation like this, I think utter boileaux to the freedom programmes, therapy and trauma bonds. The most effective thing in these circumstances is a serious interaction with the first fifteen and a promise that there'll be a repeat performance if one more hair on her head is harmed. I am under no illusion that DS would not arrange this if anyone laid a finger on his sister.

I must admit I know someone whose DSister was in the sane position and when he found out he went to his home and, well the abuser didn’t like being beaten himself. Not advocating this in any way though but she never saw him again and recovered.

Parsley1234 · 20/04/2025 13:13

I was thinking an intervention like a long trip somewhere for her

CloudPop · 20/04/2025 14:21

What an awful situation, I’m so sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom.

ZepherinDrouhin · 20/04/2025 14:23

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 16:37

Silvertulips · 20/04/2025 09:40

Dear fried was in the same position, managed to get away a few times and then went back - took two years of me prodding and poking to get her to see the light.

It can happen, but she must want to break the addiction more than she wants to be with him.

That’s the problem, she doesn’t want to break it.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 16:38

Parsley1234 · 20/04/2025 13:13

I was thinking an intervention like a long trip somewhere for her

She won’t even consider it

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 16:39

AcrobaticCardigan · 20/04/2025 10:22

My advice is to make lots of fun / exciting plans and get her out meeting new people. Make her realise she will have a great & much happier life away from him. If she stays it will only ever be misery. I feel for her & all of you. I wish her the best & that she is soon out of this situation.

She refuses to do anything with us.

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Hoppinggreen · 20/04/2025 16:46

DD was in one from around 15-18. It was "only" emotionally abusive mostly I think but I am pretty sure he hit her at least once.
We didn't really realise how bad it was until the last year of it.
It was mostly circumstance that allowed her to get out, he left for Uni while she had a gap year at home but he didn't go easily when she dumped him and we have to get more involved that I would have expected given her age. Our families were quite enmeshed as well which caused a few issues but to be fair to his parents once they were fully aware of the situation they did step in and help.
Unfortunately you can't force these things, you have to just go very softly softly. I encouraged DD into friendships with the sons of a couple of our friends, they were both lovely young men who were just nice to her rather than anything else and showed her that not all teenage boys were as awful.
Since DD broke up with this boy she hasn't looked back, she is happier and healthier in every way

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 20/04/2025 17:23

Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 16:39

She refuses to do anything with us.

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Would she agree if you invited him as well? I know it sucks but at least you’d keep her closer.

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2025 18:22

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 20/04/2025 17:23

Would she agree if you invited him as well? I know it sucks but at least you’d keep her closer.

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He won’t entertain anything to do with her life at all.

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Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 20/04/2025 18:31

@Conniebygaslight I’m really sorry, you’re stuck in a loop with her.

Unfortunately as it stands your only option is to wait and hope she’ll finally see it for what it is. It’s like an addiction, in a way - the first step needs to come from her.

kaela100 · 20/04/2025 19:14

I think you should keep them close. In some Indian cultures families often spoil their abusive sons in law, treat them really really well, and make every opportunity to arrange functions / dinners where they are the guests of honour, while they make a get out plan for their daughters. A few of my friends' brothers and dads even played the long game and befriended their abusive husbands for years so they were absolutely blindsided when the family finally converged to protect their own.

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