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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

29 year old daughter

123 replies

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:29

DD stilll lives at home has a BF works 35 hours a week . Pays board but contributes nothing to the home work side like cleaning cooking dog walking washing ironing . I'm retired now and have always done these things for her ( yes I know that's not right ) . She's suffered with anxiety since around 18 and has always slept A LOT which has always got on my nerves immensely . I'm constantly pissed off by this ad she will work until 2/3 pm come home and go to bed like yesterday for 4 hours . Or she will be asleep most of the night even at her BF she does this if they don't go out .
It's been a constant battle between us over the years but recently she's upped her anti ds due to worsening anxiety so the sleeping has got worse .
Not only do we battle but my mum is constantly sticking up for her and then we argue . I feel she uses the home like a hotel but my mum just thinks because she's got anxiety it's ok to just sleep .
I worry her newish BF will get sick of this and end the relationship and I try to warn her . How will she cope if and when they get a house together ? BF works 12 hour days can u imagine him coming home and her being asleep in bed for 4 hours ?
My mum constantly makes me feel bad for giving her grief and saying things have to change . She makes me feel guilty to the point I give up and just let her sleep .
I worry about her constantly but just recently she's started saying things like it would be better if I got out of your life . This kills me and again makes me feel so guilty and horrid . Am I being horrid ? I'm just trying to do my best for her .
I think I'm gonna have to stop discussing her with my mum as she can never ever see my point and I end up feeling horrific . I only want the best for DD or is it that I just worry far too much and I should let her get on with her life as it is .... Any advice welcome

OP posts:
MJconfessions · 07/01/2025 05:38

Why are you treating her like a 9 year old?

her sleeping pattern shouldn’t concern you this much, especially if her health or medication is a contributing factor.

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:42

MJconfessions · 07/01/2025 05:38

Why are you treating her like a 9 year old?

her sleeping pattern shouldn’t concern you this much, especially if her health or medication is a contributing factor.

So you're saying I should just let her get on with it and live this way in the home and not bother if that's what she wants to do ?

OP posts:
Tel12 · 07/01/2025 05:43

It's obviously time she flew the roost. She can then follow whatever sleeping patterns she chooses. In the interim stop doing her laundry. Treat her like a fully functioning adult as opposed to a stroppy child.

No33 · 07/01/2025 05:44

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:42

So you're saying I should just let her get on with it and live this way in the home and not bother if that's what she wants to do ?

Show quote history

Yes. It's her home too, and it sounds like she's struggling a lot.

You should be more supportive.

She could do more around the house, but you sound more angry at her sleeping.

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:48

Agreed it is her home too but is it acceptable for her to treat the home like a hotel ... not contribute and just use it as a sleeping pad ?

OP posts:
MJconfessions · 07/01/2025 05:48

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:42

So you're saying I should just let her get on with it and live this way in the home and not bother if that's what she wants to do ?

Show quote history

She’s 29, that’s quite old. If you won’t back off now, when will you? You’re babying her

She’s older than I am - my mum wouldn’t dream of policing my naps in this manner.

If her medication makes her tired, what are you hoping she’s going to do? Hold her eyelids open? She can’t switch off the tiredness after all

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:50

I think to say I should be more supportive is very unfair . I can't do anymore for her than I do and I worry constantly about the way her mental health is going

OP posts:
BeaSure · 07/01/2025 05:50

her sleeping pattern shouldn’t concern you this much, especially if her health or medication is a contributing factor

Of course it should concern her - it's not normal or healthy for a young woman to live like that. Being on anti depressants was never the solution and increasing the dose won't help her anxiety.

OP - I'd forget about the housework for now. Will your DD engage if you try to talk about her health? Has she had blood tests? What's her diet like? Does she do any exercise?

MJconfessions · 07/01/2025 05:53

Most people use their home as a “sleeping pad” though, it’s supposed to be a safe place where you can do that.

However what I will say is that your worry may not manifest in a helpful way. You’re making her feel uncomfortable, I doubt she feels like you are supportive if she’s making comments like “it would be better if I got out of your life”

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:55

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 05:50

her sleeping pattern shouldn’t concern you this much, especially if her health or medication is a contributing factor

Of course it should concern her - it's not normal or healthy for a young woman to live like that. Being on anti depressants was never the solution and increasing the dose won't help her anxiety.

OP - I'd forget about the housework for now. Will your DD engage if you try to talk about her health? Has she had blood tests? What's her diet like? Does she do any exercise?

Exactly my point it's not normal ! She's had bloods done numerous times her diet is shocking and she does no exercise .
We do chat lots about these issues but sadly nothing changes .
I feel sometimes I'm adding to the problem rather than helping . I just don't know which way to turn ?
Do I try to encourage her or do I leave her in peace

OP posts:
MJconfessions · 07/01/2025 05:58

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 05:50

her sleeping pattern shouldn’t concern you this much, especially if her health or medication is a contributing factor

Of course it should concern her - it's not normal or healthy for a young woman to live like that. Being on anti depressants was never the solution and increasing the dose won't help her anxiety.

OP - I'd forget about the housework for now. Will your DD engage if you try to talk about her health? Has she had blood tests? What's her diet like? Does she do any exercise?

Eh?

Absolutely bizarre post.

The medical professionals involved in her care felt the medication was appropriate. It is odd for you to say medication was never the solution or to state the dosage wouldn’t help. It just sounds like you have an irrational aversion to medicine.

It’s hardly groundbreaking for someone to nap after work. Especially if there’s a medical reason behind that. It’s absolutely odd for the mother of someone turning 30 to nag them over this.

Happyinarcon · 07/01/2025 05:59

I used to be like this. It came down to a disregulated nervous system due to past trauma. The brain is constantly on high alert and needs to sleep more, but the sleep rarely makes you feel refreshed. I would suggest some anti anxiety meds and a lot of therapy or at least some meditation to turn the brain off

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:00

OP - could you go out for a coffee and cake and say "DD I love you. Why don't you decide that 2025 is the year you'll tackle your anxiety and start living a more interesting life. What would you like to do if you didn't feel so anxious that you slept so much?"

InkHeart2024 · 07/01/2025 06:02

It's really odd for you, the parent of an adult almost in her 30s, to be discussing her to that extent with your mum and to be so involved in her life. Why has she never moved out? It sounds like it's about ten years past time for her to live without this level of involvement from her mum and her grandma. Anxiety doesn't mean she can't move out.

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:02

Happyinarcon · 07/01/2025 05:59

I used to be like this. It came down to a disregulated nervous system due to past trauma. The brain is constantly on high alert and needs to sleep more, but the sleep rarely makes you feel refreshed. I would suggest some anti anxiety meds and a lot of therapy or at least some meditation to turn the brain off

Well that's very interesting because it appears that even though she's sleeping it's never ever enough .
Can I ask what meds you took and if they worked well ?

OP posts:
Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:06

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:00

OP - could you go out for a coffee and cake and say "DD I love you. Why don't you decide that 2025 is the year you'll tackle your anxiety and start living a more interesting life. What would you like to do if you didn't feel so anxious that you slept so much?"

We do lots together she is honestly my best friend . Only this last 12 months has she started serious dating and has never had the money or confidence to move out .
We've discussed exercising together which would hopefully help her mental health and mine too

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 07/01/2025 06:07

i would no longer discuss it with my dm
you are right to be concerned but keep your concerns to yourself
does she get up very early?

HoraceCope · 07/01/2025 06:07

she could exercise with people of her own age tbh

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:07

The medical professionals involved in her care felt the medication was appropriate. It is odd for you to say medication was never the solution or to state the dosage wouldn’t help. It just sounds like you have an irrational aversion to medicine.

The medical professional is likely to have neither the time or resources to help DD so writes a prescription for something which hasn't helped her address her anxiety if she's still suffering after 9 years on medication. What a waste.

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:08

InkHeart2024 · 07/01/2025 06:02

It's really odd for you, the parent of an adult almost in her 30s, to be discussing her to that extent with your mum and to be so involved in her life. Why has she never moved out? It sounds like it's about ten years past time for her to live without this level of involvement from her mum and her grandma. Anxiety doesn't mean she can't move out.

Why is it odd to discuss with my mum ? Mum asks about her and I have to have someone to confide in . I don't think that's odd at all ? My mum is genuinely concerned about her as we all are

OP posts:
ohforfoxs · 07/01/2025 06:10

Does she have a social circle? Friends she could flat share with? It's really time she left and had her own experience. Is she living with you for a reason? saving for a place of her own?

I wouldn't have dreamt of napping in the day, but my DCs are very able nappers. And the whole 'rotting in bed' thing - it's just lazy.

One of my DCs has moved home after uni. Like you, I still do everything and I'm painfully aware this is of my own doing. If he had a plan I could live with it - but even without one there is no way this is a long term arrangement. I feel for you OP, it's very frustrating.

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:10

HoraceCope · 07/01/2025 06:07

i would no longer discuss it with my dm
you are right to be concerned but keep your concerns to yourself
does she get up very early?

She does get up early between 5 and 6 but don't most people ? I did 6 days a week at those hours it's not unusual is it ?

OP posts:
BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:11

OK so why don't you and DD join the gym.. Book a pilates lesson. Go out for a walk. Cook together.

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:13

And I love a nap and think it's fine for her to have 40 winks if she's getting up early and needs to recharge so she can enjoy her evenings. But a nap needs to be an hour max.

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:15

ohforfoxs · 07/01/2025 06:10

Does she have a social circle? Friends she could flat share with? It's really time she left and had her own experience. Is she living with you for a reason? saving for a place of her own?

I wouldn't have dreamt of napping in the day, but my DCs are very able nappers. And the whole 'rotting in bed' thing - it's just lazy.

One of my DCs has moved home after uni. Like you, I still do everything and I'm painfully aware this is of my own doing. If he had a plan I could live with it - but even without one there is no way this is a long term arrangement. I feel for you OP, it's very frustrating.

Thank you it is extremely frustrating . Some say be cruel to be kind I'm doing her no favours others say let her be .
She has a few friends no special best friend . I try to encourage her so much I'm a member of a gym and ask her to join me . She's never earned a lot to be able to move out . Maybe soon her and BF will get a place together which would be lovely

OP posts: