29 year old daughter

[justanotherday12]

DD stilll lives at home has a BF works 35 hours a week . Pays board but contributes nothing to the home work side like cleaning cooking dog walking washing ironing . I'm retired now and have always done these things for her ( yes I know that's not right ) . She's suffered with anxiety since around 18 and has always slept A LOT which has always got on my nerves immensely . I'm constantly pissed off by this ad she will work until 2/3 pm come home and go to bed like yesterday for 4 hours . Or she will be asleep most of the night even at her BF she does this if they don't go out .
It's been a constant battle between us over the years but recently she's upped her anti ds due to worsening anxiety so the sleeping has got worse .
Not only do we battle but my mum is constantly sticking up for her and then we argue . I feel she uses the home like a hotel but my mum just thinks because she's got anxiety it's ok to just sleep .
I worry her newish BF will get sick of this and end the relationship and I try to warn her . How will she cope if and when they get a house together ? BF works 12 hour days can u imagine him coming home and her being asleep in bed for 4 hours ?
My mum constantly makes me feel bad for giving her grief and saying things have to change . She makes me feel guilty to the point I give up and just let her sleep .
I worry about her constantly but just recently she's started saying things like it would be better if I got out of your life . This kills me and again makes me feel so guilty and horrid . Am I being horrid ? I'm just trying to do my best for her .
I think I'm gonna have to stop discussing her with my mum as she can never ever see my point and I end up feeling horrific . I only want the best for DD or is it that I just worry far too much and I should let her get on with her life as it is .... Any advice welcome

I'm in my 30s and only recently diagnosed as neuro divergent. A lot of the issues we have as women is that we get told we are anxious or depressed or have some other mental health disorder. I have experienced fatigue practically all my life and it's probably because it is so genuinely exhausting just to exist and work, so much more than the neuro typical person. Not enough to say for sure without any other information but it might be worth exploring ADHD or autism or both of there are symptoms she recognises.

Your relationship sounds a bit co-dependent to be honest. The whole dynamic between you, your daughter and your mum sounds quite intense and suffocating.

Being completely clueless won't do her confidence any good

I think being completely clueless is a bit extreme ...



Your relationship sounds a bit co-dependent to be honest. The whole dynamic between you, your daughter and your mum sounds quite intense and suffocating.

Why ? We don't spend 24/7 together . She does other stuff aside from with me . She has a few friends at work who she socialises with but no best friend as such . I've got lots of friends who love doing stuff with their daughters shopping spa days etc . What is wrong with that .
I think suffocating is a ridiculous comment

In your post at 05:55 yesterday

Happy to Help

In your post at 05:55 yesterday

Happy to Help

I said her diet is shocking . That's an observation not a criticism. What she eats is up to her I don't bloody force feed her . It's people like you who spoil these chats as you're looking to criticise and have a go . It must be lovely to be perfect

OK well you are the one suggesting these things about your dd and then getting defensive - you said "contributes nothing to the home work side like cleaning cooking dog walking washing ironing" and "make her realise how hard it is running a home and having responsibilities". She's 29 - you make her sound clueless. Maybe you should have communicated her strengths rather than pointing out all her faults - then we could have all agreed that she and you are doing just fine,

It's a cross I carry bravely.

🙂

Wish I could sleep this much! I totally would if I could. Sleep, beautiful sleep.

I think the issue isn't her sleeping, it's whether or not she's helping you in the house. I have really bad OCD and so rely on my mum a lot (I'm 22), but whenever I come home I try my hardest to help round the house/not make her feel like she's waiting on me just because I'm unwell. It's kind of like a collaboration - she tries to look after me and I try to look after her.

I don't think it's very fair or helpful to tell someone with anxiety to 'just sleep less'. Sleeping a lot/not enough is a key sign that something isn't right - she needs your support right now, not you just telling her to toughen up. Have a conversation with her about the sleeping and tell her you'd really like to help her get into a healthier sleeping pattern, if that's possible. If she agrees, proceed to gently support her in ways which you both agree on. There's no point forcing this, as it won't help her, will only make her feel more isolated and you more frustrated. If she does want help with sleeping, maybe you could plan a nice event together in the morning whenever you're free (weekends?). For example, a walk together, or a class. Something you both want to do. This has the added advantage of you spending time together. The point is, don't try to control her, try to show her that you support and love her. I know that it's painful and stressful - you want her to stop being unwell and get better as soon as possible. But that's something which has to come from inside her. You can't force her to get better or stop being sick, all you can do is support and love her. Things take the time they take.

However, an issue comes if you feel like she is being genuinely disrespectful of you/the home. For example, is she treating the house 'like a hotel', as you say - leaving all the washing up for you, not clearing up her mess, never cooking/helping out with chores? If so, this is a fair point to bring her up on. Even when I was at my worst with OCD (physically unable to eat, crying all the time, really really mentally ill), I still tried to help out around the house because I recognised that even though it wasn't my fault I was sick, it wasn't my mum's fault either. Just because she's sick it doesn't mean she gets to act in a bad way.

The key is that you both view your relationship as one where you love and support one another. It's not 'give' and 'take', it's you both working together to make the household as safe and comfortable as it can be.

I know Mumsnet is pretty abrasive these days. I have hopped over to Gransnet even though I am early 50s maybe post the same and see the response it will be better I promise.
@theallotmentqueen made some good points.

This sounds like me. Or sounds like how I used to be. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression all my teen and adult life, and this is true, however, this turned out to be symptomatic of ADHD Inattentive Type, which I was diagnosed with a few years ago. Getting medication and treatment for this has changed my life and explained so many of the difficulties I have had (like the ones you have listed for your daughter). Women are often overlooked as we often present with the Inattentive type (previously called ADD).

Please look into this for her.

What a helpful informative post which I thank you for . These posts are helping me immensely to try and understand both sides of the coin .
It's about give and take isn't it . As previously posted we have been chatting loads about chores etc and it's been successful so far .
Thank you so much for your advice and I wish you well 🥰

Did you get a referral to a psychiatrist for this ? How was it diagnosed please ?

Good luck! Wishing you and your daughter the best :))

I know Mumsnet is pretty abrasive these days

I'm all for constructive advice whether that be good or bad . I wouldn't post on here if I only wanted folk to side with me . But what I do detest is smart arses trying to be clever with vile hurtful comments . They must have wonderful perfect lives which is lovely if they have but I suspect that will not be the case and get a kick out of spewing vileness to people seeking advice

I’m not in the UK, but my doctor gave me a referral to see a psychiatrist. I did the diagnostic tests with them, and was then prescribed medication and set up with a psychologist for more therapy based treatment. I found a link which I have included which covers some of the symptoms. It’s worth a read to see if anything is standing out to you.

www.additudemag.com/slideshows/symptoms-of-inattentive-adhd/

I found a link which I have included which covers some of the symptoms. It’s worth a read to see if anything is standing out to you.

Thank you so much I'll give this a read 🤗

Are you serious? Left untamed? What is wrong with you? She’s not a pet.

Congratulations on adding nothing helpful, productive or kind to the conversation. The only one acting “untamed” here is you.
Get a grip.

Sure it is. Tell yourself whatever you need to. 🙄

The issue with this is if you don’t want her to move out, then it’s not really fair for you to nag her. No amount of telling will make her suddenly wake up less anxious or less depressed and it’s only gonna work your nerves and get you upset.

I agree with anyone that said rota. Do a rota, stick to it but other than that leave her be.

I disagree that talking about it between you, your DD and your mum is that much enmeshment though. You’re all related and know each other well, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.