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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

29 year old daughter

123 replies

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:29

DD stilll lives at home has a BF works 35 hours a week . Pays board but contributes nothing to the home work side like cleaning cooking dog walking washing ironing . I'm retired now and have always done these things for her ( yes I know that's not right ) . She's suffered with anxiety since around 18 and has always slept A LOT which has always got on my nerves immensely . I'm constantly pissed off by this ad she will work until 2/3 pm come home and go to bed like yesterday for 4 hours . Or she will be asleep most of the night even at her BF she does this if they don't go out .
It's been a constant battle between us over the years but recently she's upped her anti ds due to worsening anxiety so the sleeping has got worse .
Not only do we battle but my mum is constantly sticking up for her and then we argue . I feel she uses the home like a hotel but my mum just thinks because she's got anxiety it's ok to just sleep .
I worry her newish BF will get sick of this and end the relationship and I try to warn her . How will she cope if and when they get a house together ? BF works 12 hour days can u imagine him coming home and her being asleep in bed for 4 hours ?
My mum constantly makes me feel bad for giving her grief and saying things have to change . She makes me feel guilty to the point I give up and just let her sleep .
I worry about her constantly but just recently she's started saying things like it would be better if I got out of your life . This kills me and again makes me feel so guilty and horrid . Am I being horrid ? I'm just trying to do my best for her .
I think I'm gonna have to stop discussing her with my mum as she can never ever see my point and I end up feeling horrific . I only want the best for DD or is it that I just worry far too much and I should let her get on with her life as it is .... Any advice welcome

OP posts:
Wildwalksinjanuary · 07/01/2025 19:42

You did a good thing for your relationship by posting on here op.

labamba007 · 07/01/2025 20:55

Has she tried 30 mins? Trying to get up when you're in a deep sleep is awful so that's why they recommend naps are shorter (I actually feel
More refreshed after a short nap).

You're getting a bit of a hard time op but I think you sound like a great mum. You're clearly supportive of her and worry about her mental health, but equally are aware of her need for independence and a healthy active life. No parent is perfect and ignore some on here who think they are!

But I do think talking this through with a therapist rather than you're own mum could really help - as they'll help you get to the heart of the matter which no one can really do on here. Hope all goes well for you.

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 23:32

labamba007 · 07/01/2025 20:55

Has she tried 30 mins? Trying to get up when you're in a deep sleep is awful so that's why they recommend naps are shorter (I actually feel
More refreshed after a short nap).

You're getting a bit of a hard time op but I think you sound like a great mum. You're clearly supportive of her and worry about her mental health, but equally are aware of her need for independence and a healthy active life. No parent is perfect and ignore some on here who think they are!

But I do think talking this through with a therapist rather than you're own mum could really help - as they'll help you get to the heart of the matter which no one can really do on here. Hope all goes well for you.

I swear some people on here are intentionally cruel and hurtful . I don't expect anyone to agree either me if they don't . That's not why I posted it's to get opinions from different people .
I've read other people's posts and some people are just vile in the things they say . Nobody needs to be so hurtful there's a right way to air your views no matter what .
Thank you for your helpful response x

OP posts:
Original poster
justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 23:33

Wildwalksinjanuary · 07/01/2025 19:42

You did a good thing for your relationship by posting on here op.

I hope so . Thank you x

OP posts:
BeaSure · 08/01/2025 05:47

That's a very good post from @SensibleSigma

BeaSure · 08/01/2025 05:49

I swear some people on here are intentionally cruel and hurtful

Sadly they are. MN is a cesspit but worth it for the gems of good advice and occasional humour.

All the best to you and DD.

PlanetJungle · 08/01/2025 11:02

I think you need to help her on the pathway to independence, she's 29, it's time she took on some responsibility around the home. If she's unable to move out, you should agree which tasks she can start taking on - don't expect her to stick with it - you'll have to reinforce as it's easier for her not to bother but stick with it.
I think she needs to see a GP about the sleeping/anxiety issues.

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 08/01/2025 11:09

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:29

DD stilll lives at home has a BF works 35 hours a week . Pays board but contributes nothing to the home work side like cleaning cooking dog walking washing ironing . I'm retired now and have always done these things for her ( yes I know that's not right ) . She's suffered with anxiety since around 18 and has always slept A LOT which has always got on my nerves immensely . I'm constantly pissed off by this ad she will work until 2/3 pm come home and go to bed like yesterday for 4 hours . Or she will be asleep most of the night even at her BF she does this if they don't go out .
It's been a constant battle between us over the years but recently she's upped her anti ds due to worsening anxiety so the sleeping has got worse .
Not only do we battle but my mum is constantly sticking up for her and then we argue . I feel she uses the home like a hotel but my mum just thinks because she's got anxiety it's ok to just sleep .
I worry her newish BF will get sick of this and end the relationship and I try to warn her . How will she cope if and when they get a house together ? BF works 12 hour days can u imagine him coming home and her being asleep in bed for 4 hours ?
My mum constantly makes me feel bad for giving her grief and saying things have to change . She makes me feel guilty to the point I give up and just let her sleep .
I worry about her constantly but just recently she's started saying things like it would be better if I got out of your life . This kills me and again makes me feel so guilty and horrid . Am I being horrid ? I'm just trying to do my best for her .
I think I'm gonna have to stop discussing her with my mum as she can never ever see my point and I end up feeling horrific . I only want the best for DD or is it that I just worry far too much and I should let her get on with her life as it is .... Any advice welcome

Is it possible that she may be Neurodivergent?
My dad, his brother, and mother are all ND and for my whole life I never understood how they could sleep so much. My dad sleeps all the time if he just sits down. He’s done this his whole life so it’s not just an older person thing. Whenever the family went to visit his parents, it was soo boring because as soon as any meal was finished everyone would have to sleep, pretty much until the next meal, and then all evening before going to bed.
i only learned recently that the majority of my dads family are ND and that it takes huge amounts of energy for them to function in a Neurotypical world. Hence the reason for the constant exhaustion.

Xenia · 08/01/2025 14:41

I would give her a deadline to move out. For my oldest son it was when the youngest left for university. I did help him buy a first house as I have with the other children and he was in full time work and had graduated as well so it was all fine and everyone knew about the deadlines years ahead, just as a year ago this month it was agreed I would stop even buying food or paying anything (other than my additional council tax) for the twins who just qualified in their first jobs and do still live at home here.

However every family is different. Perhaps try to find a way she can move out - if your mother is so supportive may be she could live with her (my son' s adult friend lives with his granny in a different town from the parents now).

babasaclover · 08/01/2025 14:52

Happyinarcon · 07/01/2025 05:59

I used to be like this. It came down to a disregulated nervous system due to past trauma. The brain is constantly on high alert and needs to sleep more, but the sleep rarely makes you feel refreshed. I would suggest some anti anxiety meds and a lot of therapy or at least some meditation to turn the brain off

This sounds like me though I've not heard that term. Is your nervous system regulated now? If so how did you achieve this?

ThatOpalSquid · 08/01/2025 14:53

If she works full time and has a boyfriend, then she can definitely also do stuff around the house too. She’s just a lazy fucker.

fivebyfivebuffy · 08/01/2025 15:24

ThatOpalSquid · 08/01/2025 14:53

If she works full time and has a boyfriend, then she can definitely also do stuff around the house too. She’s just a lazy fucker.

It could be her medication or he condition though

I work FT and manage to exercise but still nap for 2hrs a day. I wish I didn't have to!

ThatOpalSquid · 08/01/2025 15:29

fivebyfivebuffy · 08/01/2025 15:24

It could be her medication or he condition though

I work FT and manage to exercise but still nap for 2hrs a day. I wish I didn't have to!

Show quote history

I understand anti depressants can have some unwanted side affects such as excessive sleeping, but in this case I think if she can handle a full time job and social life outside of work then she can do a few dishes and throw bleach down the toilet every now and again. I think OP has done too much for her, out of love I’m sure, but it has said to daughter that she doesn’t need to lift a finger.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 08/01/2025 15:36

You are enmeshed in DDs life to a very very unhealthy degree

She lives her life the way she chooses. Why is it any of your business?

What is it that you want her to do around the home to pull her weight more?

Ask her to step up and do more housework (create a rota?) and then leave her alone

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 08/01/2025 16:37

ThatOpalSquid · 08/01/2025 14:53

If she works full time and has a boyfriend, then she can definitely also do stuff around the house too. She’s just a lazy fucker.

Charming

OP posts:
Original poster
justanotherday12 · 08/01/2025 16:41

Calmhappyandhealthy · 08/01/2025 15:36

You are enmeshed in DDs life to a very very unhealthy degree

She lives her life the way she chooses. Why is it any of your business?

What is it that you want her to do around the home to pull her weight more?

Ask her to step up and do more housework (create a rota?) and then leave her alone

Surely some of it is our business when she lives under our roof tho . Yes we do want her to try and do more around the house .. is that wrong ??? Or is that non of our business ??

OP posts:
Calmhappyandhealthy · 08/01/2025 16:46

justanotherday12 · 08/01/2025 16:41

Surely some of it is our business when she lives under our roof tho . Yes we do want her to try and do more around the house .. is that wrong ??? Or is that non of our business ??

Show quote history

I suggested a housework rota

Being enmeshed in how often she sleeps and what she eats is verging on coercion imo

rewilded · 08/01/2025 16:51

It's the OP's business because she still lives at home. I am sorry OP it sounds like a difficult situation. I haven't RTFT but is DD's dad at home/ involved? I would help her to move out she is too old to be at home with you. It's up to your DD to get help now and you can support her but not at home. Are you able to help her move out?

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 08/01/2025 17:00

When did I mention what she eats ? Don't make crap up

OP posts:
catsrlife · 08/01/2025 17:03

Dealing with a child with mental health issues albeit an adult child is hard. It isn't as simple as laying down the law or using tough love, and I think you know that. Recovery from anxiety is not a quick or linear road. You've mentioned it's ADs that are causing this exhaustion so it might be worth going back to GP and adjusting the dose. Also it can take time for ADs to work properly so the sleep might improve in a month or two. Yes exercise can help and yes it would be good if she can see a therapist. Your DD is clearly making progress as you've mentioned and no doubt that is partly due to your support. She isn't doing this on purpose to piss you off. Your own mum is right to point this out to you. If it's the housework that is annoying you, could you ask your dd to pay more board and use that to hire a cleaner to cover her 'chores'? I know it isn't ideal but perhaps for the interim it would afford you some peace and her some space?

Original poster
justanotherday12 · 08/01/2025 17:04

rewilded · 08/01/2025 16:51

It's the OP's business because she still lives at home. I am sorry OP it sounds like a difficult situation. I haven't RTFT but is DD's dad at home/ involved? I would help her to move out she is too old to be at home with you. It's up to your DD to get help now and you can support her but not at home. Are you able to help her move out?

Edited

Thank you ... I think the next step will be getting a house with BF which I think will be great for her confidence and make her realise how hard it is running a home and having responsibilities. Nothing would make me happier to see that ... We've not got pots of money to help buy her a house as most people nowadays haven't . She works nearly full time but on min wage but only has a 20 hour contract so how would she get a mortgage on that basis ?

OP posts:
Original poster
justanotherday12 · 08/01/2025 17:09

catsrlife · 08/01/2025 17:03

Dealing with a child with mental health issues albeit an adult child is hard. It isn't as simple as laying down the law or using tough love, and I think you know that. Recovery from anxiety is not a quick or linear road. You've mentioned it's ADs that are causing this exhaustion so it might be worth going back to GP and adjusting the dose. Also it can take time for ADs to work properly so the sleep might improve in a month or two. Yes exercise can help and yes it would be good if she can see a therapist. Your DD is clearly making progress as you've mentioned and no doubt that is partly due to your support. She isn't doing this on purpose to piss you off. Your own mum is right to point this out to you. If it's the housework that is annoying you, could you ask your dd to pay more board and use that to hire a cleaner to cover her 'chores'? I know it isn't ideal but perhaps for the interim it would afford you some peace and her some space?

It certainly is extremely hard and I feel people who haven't experienced mental health in some form or other are very quick to judge saying things like " kick her out " " tell her she's gotta go " . Can you imagine how that would pan out .
It's not a new thing tho the sleeping she's been like this for years . It's recently got worse due to medication increase but it's not a new thing . Hence why it bothers me so much .

OP posts:
Original poster
justanotherday12 · 08/01/2025 17:12

Is it possible that she may be Neurodivergent?

I've never ever heard of that condition . I will check that out thank you and also I've read today about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome .

OP posts:
PlanetJungle · 08/01/2025 17:18

justanotherday12 · 08/01/2025 17:04

Thank you ... I think the next step will be getting a house with BF which I think will be great for her confidence and make her realise how hard it is running a home and having responsibilities. Nothing would make me happier to see that ... We've not got pots of money to help buy her a house as most people nowadays haven't . She works nearly full time but on min wage but only has a 20 hour contract so how would she get a mortgage on that basis ?

Show quote history

She'd be better to realise what's involved in running a house before she moves in with her boyfriend - I don't understand why you've allowed her to continue living like a child with no household responsibilities till she's 29 years old. Being completely clueless won't do her confidence any good.

rewilded · 08/01/2025 17:19

If your DD is on a low income and has mental health problems wouldn't UC kick in? Your DD may not be able to afford a mortgage but a 6 month rental contract maybe enough to give you all some space to think. Your DD may have these issues forever hopefully they may ease and go completely with the right support but she has to live independently at some point.

Best wishes OP.