29 year old daughter

[justanotherday12]

DD stilll lives at home has a BF works 35 hours a week . Pays board but contributes nothing to the home work side like cleaning cooking dog walking washing ironing . I'm retired now and have always done these things for her ( yes I know that's not right ) . She's suffered with anxiety since around 18 and has always slept A LOT which has always got on my nerves immensely . I'm constantly pissed off by this ad she will work until 2/3 pm come home and go to bed like yesterday for 4 hours . Or she will be asleep most of the night even at her BF she does this if they don't go out .
It's been a constant battle between us over the years but recently she's upped her anti ds due to worsening anxiety so the sleeping has got worse .
Not only do we battle but my mum is constantly sticking up for her and then we argue . I feel she uses the home like a hotel but my mum just thinks because she's got anxiety it's ok to just sleep .
I worry her newish BF will get sick of this and end the relationship and I try to warn her . How will she cope if and when they get a house together ? BF works 12 hour days can u imagine him coming home and her being asleep in bed for 4 hours ?
My mum constantly makes me feel bad for giving her grief and saying things have to change . She makes me feel guilty to the point I give up and just let her sleep .
I worry about her constantly but just recently she's started saying things like it would be better if I got out of your life . This kills me and again makes me feel so guilty and horrid . Am I being horrid ? I'm just trying to do my best for her .
I think I'm gonna have to stop discussing her with my mum as she can never ever see my point and I end up feeling horrific . I only want the best for DD or is it that I just worry far too much and I should let her get on with her life as it is .... Any advice welcome

Thank you ... I do now feel terrible and so guilty 😪

It’s ok to feel that way. She’s your daughter and there’s no blueprint for parenting, even when they’re adults. It must hurt to see her like this. But it’s not your fault and you’re not doing anything wrong.

would she be able to nap if she lived alone op? @justanotherday12
has she ever left home?

nobody would blame you if you put down some rules,
either sharing the load or her cooking for herself.
give her some incentives?

It sounds like you care about your dd very much, slowly increase her responsibilities at home. Start with the laundry and cleaning her room. When she comes back run through how she washes each of her clothes. Encourage her to give her room a tidy; and to cook the odd meal together, you can make this fun with a little music and cheer.

Slowly withdraw your domestic support in a kind way; so she can stand on her own two feet when the time comes.

If her job doesn’t pay well has she considered promotion? A new job? Further training.

Overall I would feel proud of her. She is fully functioning, with a job, a boyfriend and pays her way. She is managing her anxiety independently and if she sleeps a lot it is the medication and not HER. That’s the key point, she isn’t choosing to be tired is she? I think some empathy would make such a difference here.

She needs the meds to function, and they clearly cause drowsiness. The last thing she will want to hear is that she is ‘wasting her life’ maybe try and say you think she is doing so well managing it all - and how proud you are of her. Her confidence will soon grow, and her ability to earn, form deep and lasting relationships too.

It’s easier looking at other people’s lives rather than looking at our own sometimes op?

You either need to learn how to not let it get to you and just pretty much ignore her (while also stopping doing things for her at home) or she needs to move out and do this elsewhere.

If she is struggling with her mental health, no amount of whining from you or coddling from everyone will help.

My family has a long history of mental health problems and I also got stuck in a “if only I do everything for everyone” mode and it got us all nowhere. The second I stopped they suddenly developed a willpower - and one of them has schizophrenia, which is extremely serious but manageable enough with medical help.

So she goes to work very early (and no, most people aren't up between 5 and 6am - most people would regard that as early!) and finishes early afternoon? What's her work pattern - 6am to 2pm? Then four hours sleep till 6pm. Then what? Awake in the evening, bed again at what time?

@justanotherday12 what you've shared here has absolutely resonated with me, and like you, feel as though I've let my DCs down in some way by facilitating.

I suspect that, like me, you have always done your best and done it with love. That is nothing to feel guilty for.

Hmm, an observation would be that you are all perhaps quite enmeshed. You describing her as your best friend (she isn't she is your daughter ) and that you confide in your mum - again don't, confide in a friend. If you want her to do housework then get her to do that.

Ah I posted before I read your post. Agree 100%, op I wonder if your mum has modelled this to you and you are doing the same?

No but that is what you've let happen so you can't be angry with her now that she does not leap to walk the dog for example.

Her sleeping pattern is her business. But she should be doing her own laundry and cooking her urn meals if she's in a different schedule to yours. As y his she'd survive if she moved in either her BF - well that's up to her isn't it? I would encourage her to live out though. She needs to fend for herself so to speak.

As someone who has suffered from Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder most of her adult life, the sleeping sounds like depression. She has all the classic symptoms. She needs a good psychiatrist to adjust/change meds and perhaps counseling. Not a psychologist, a medical doctor psychiatrist. She needs someone who can work with her to find the right meds and dosages. I found my miracle worker psych in 2009 and my life changed completely.

What happened when she was 18 when her anxiety started? Has she ever had therapy? Does she talk about her aspirations/plans for the future? She clearly functions well enough to work. Does she know that adults have to do crap stuff like cleaning and cooking? From what you've described, i'm not getting a clear idea of her as a person.

She should be moving out and sleep as much as she pleases.
And get off her back, she didn't choose to be here and anxiety can be horrendous.

What a horrid response

Absolutely

Yes she's had counselling but never kept it up . She's just starting again through work .., nhs wait time is April 😩

How lovely that you found help . Perhaps that is what my DD needs too

I think you have treated her like a Princess for too long. Give her a list of chores to complete every week including her own laundry taking turns cooking and washing up, cleaning the bathroom etc if she can't or won't do her share tell her it is time to find her own place. She is 29 not 3.

Yes you are being horrible. She obviously needs the sleep, some people need a lot of sleep. Do you think she chooses to miss out on so much? Trust me it isn't fun to need extra sleep

It wasn't a horrid response though. It was just a response disagreeing with you

She didn't choose to be here !!!! That's vile

Take a breath. Start again.

You need a new approach and new ways of thinking about this.

Telling her what to do and how she should be isn’t going to work anymore. She has to choose to make changes herself. These things are out of your control- her relationship, her sleep habits, her work, her meds, her anxiety.

The thing is, at the moment you are increasing her stress, so she needs even more sleep. You need to reduce everyone’s stress including yours.

In your control- your own feelings and behaviour, and expectations of her. Do meditation and stress management to help you cope better. Get out and about, focus less on her. Look after yourself.

Ask her to take on one small task for herself. Discuss with her what it should be- her washing, cleaning her room or the bathroom, cooking or something. Don’t frame it as a punishment. It’s a step towards independence.

When that’s become routine, ask whether she could help out with a job for the house- taking on a weekly dog walk, or cleaning the stairs for example.

All new jobs will take a while to bed in. She’ll forget. Need support. Need reminding. Don’t get cross or frustrated. Just be positive.

Thank you for the advice .. that makes perfect sense for both of us . We have already chatted a lot since this post and we both feel so much better x