Page 2 | 29 year old daughter

justanotherday12 · 2025-01-07T05:29:50+00:00

DD stilll lives at home has a BF works 35 hours a week . Pays board but contributes nothing to the home work side like cleaning cooking dog walking washing ironing . I'm retired now and have always done these things for her ( yes I know that's not right ) . She's suffered with anxiety since around 18 and has always slept A LOT which has always got on my nerves immensely . I'm constantly pissed off by this ad she will work until 2/3 pm come home and go to bed like yesterday for 4 hours . Or she will be asleep most of the night even at her BF she does this if they don't go out . It's been a constant battle between us over the years but recently she's upped her anti ds due to worsening anxiety so the sleeping has got worse . Not only do we battle but my mum is constantly sticking up for her and then we argue . I feel she uses the home like a hotel but my mum just thinks because she's got anxiety it's ok to just sleep . I worry her newish BF will get sick of this and end the relationship and I try to warn her . How will she cope if and when they get a house together ? BF works 12 hour days can u imagine him coming home and her being asleep in bed for 4 hours ? My mum constantly makes me feel bad for giving her grief and saying things have to change . She makes me feel guilty to the point I give up and just let her sleep . I worry about her constantly but just recently she's started saying things like it would be better if I got out of your life . This kills me and again makes me feel so guilty and horrid . Am I being horrid ? I'm just trying to do my best for her . I think I'm gonna have to stop discussing her with my mum as she can never ever see my point and I end up feeling horrific . I only want the best for DD or is it that I just worry far too much and I should let her get on with her life as it is .... Any advice welcome

minisoksmakehardwork · 07/01/2025 06:16

For the anxiety sufferers I work with, something which does help is setting a regular routine. They know what to expect so it helps reduce anxiety.

In your daughter's case, I would recommend she sets a routine which includes her personal laundry, cleaning her personal space and perhaps menu planning with you and sharing the cooking. That way 'just going to sleep' doesn't become an option until these things are done, or they have to be done when she wakes up from a nap.

This means you no longer do her personal laundry, clean her personal space or tell her that her diet isn't great. It will be adding to her anxiety if she feels her mum is judging her even if nothing is said. She's got to find HER way of doing all these things so she is capable when she eventually does move out.

Exercise is of course beneficial but I'd suggest you tell her when you're going for a walk and that she can join you, but with no expectation on your part that she will.

I can cheerfully sleep a weekend morning away if I don't force myself out of bed. But once I am up, I have to have a routine to get the best out of myself and put me in a good place. I have a routine weekdays as I work full time. But that also has to include domestics otherwise I will let things slide again as I don't ways want to adult. And I'm in my 40's...

Octavia64 · 07/01/2025 06:16

I'm 47.

I've had a lot of anxiety since I was young, and I regularly sleep after work and have done for 30 years.

I went to uni, got a job, got married, had kids and worked part time and then full time for twenty years.

Your daughter is working. She is paying board. She has a boyfriend. She has medical issues which the doctors are dealing with.

Some anti depressants do help with anxiety - I am on duloxetine which is technically an anti depressant but is known to also help with anxiety.

I do think that it is possible that in your concern about your daughter you might not be communicating the best message to her. Some people with health problems like anxiety have them all their life. It isn't always possible for these people (and I'm one of them) to act normally. They need more sleep. They need the drugs.

Your daughter may feel under pressure from you because you want her to be well. Some people can't be well and need extra sleep and medical support to try to be as involved with life as they can.

HoraceCope · 07/01/2025 06:20

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:08

Why is it odd to discuss with my mum ? Mum asks about her and I have to have someone to confide in . I don't think that's odd at all ? My mum is genuinely concerned about her as we all are

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y ou seem to be saying your dm is arguing with your opinion about her sleeping

Original poster

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:20

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:13

And I love a nap and think it's fine for her to have 40 winks if she's getting up early and needs to recharge so she can enjoy her evenings. But a nap needs to be an hour max.

I totally get that I really do but it's not 40 winks it's hours on end everyday if she's not seeing BF .
It's like she's not getting refreshing sleep and just craves more and more . I hate to see her sleeping her life away it upsets me so much .
Perhaps I'm the one with the hang up I don't know 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:

Original poster

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:23

I do end up arguing with my mum over her as she cannot see what the issue is and makes me feel like I'm the one who is the problem here . Perhaps I am who knows ? Mum always sides with DD no matter what she does she always has . She never tried to support me on any matter which leaves me feeling like utter crap

OP posts:

Original poster

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:28

minisoksmakehardwork · 07/01/2025 06:16

For the anxiety sufferers I work with, something which does help is setting a regular routine. They know what to expect so it helps reduce anxiety.

In your daughter's case, I would recommend she sets a routine which includes her personal laundry, cleaning her personal space and perhaps menu planning with you and sharing the cooking. That way 'just going to sleep' doesn't become an option until these things are done, or they have to be done when she wakes up from a nap.

This means you no longer do her personal laundry, clean her personal space or tell her that her diet isn't great. It will be adding to her anxiety if she feels her mum is judging her even if nothing is said. She's got to find HER way of doing all these things so she is capable when she eventually does move out.

Exercise is of course beneficial but I'd suggest you tell her when you're going for a walk and that she can join you, but with no expectation on your part that she will.

I can cheerfully sleep a weekend morning away if I don't force myself out of bed. But once I am up, I have to have a routine to get the best out of myself and put me in a good place. I have a routine weekdays as I work full time. But that also has to include domestics otherwise I will let things slide again as I don't ways want to adult. And I'm in my 40's...

I could easily stay in bed most days myself I suffer with depression and anxiety too . But we have to push on and try to help ourselves don't we .

OP posts:

buttonousmaximous · 07/01/2025 06:29

She's an adult who can do what she wants. I can't imagine your disapproval/judgement is helping her mh.

If you want her to help in the house ask her to do a specific task. Dog walk could be good for fresh air /exercise. Or stop doing her laundry. If she refuses consider raising her rent to include a'cleaning fee'.

Encourage her to get help for her mental health, EMDR can be good for moving people forward who are stuck.

buttonousmaximous · 07/01/2025 06:33

And stay out of her relationship it's not your concern. It seems your mother has strong opinions on you and dgd and you have inherited/learnt that trait from her. Break the pattern it's not a healthy one. If you are struggling you could consider counselling yourself

InkHeart2024 · 07/01/2025 06:33

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:08

Why is it odd to discuss with my mum ? Mum asks about her and I have to have someone to confide in . I don't think that's odd at all ? My mum is genuinely concerned about her as we all are

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Because she's an adult! She's not even a young adult! You call her your best friend and you worry and fret over her and do everything for her and discuss her with your mum - this is what you do for young children not adult women almost 30 years old. You're keeping her helpless. You're infantilising her. She shouldn't be your best friend. She should have friends her own age and her own life!

lifesrichpageant · 07/01/2025 06:34

Respectfully OP I think you should focus on yourself and your own anxiety and coping mechanisms and possibly find some therapy and support for yourself.

The over-focus on your DD is not helping matters and threatens to impact your relationship. She is an adult with a full time job and while I see why you are concerned, you worrying about her is not/not/not going to shift this situation!

lifesrichpageant · 07/01/2025 06:35

You may find it interesting to read about parent/child enmeshment. It is very common and hard to identify when you are in the middle of it. You sound like a loving mum. Good luck.

Original poster

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:36

buttonousmaximous · 07/01/2025 06:33

And stay out of her relationship it's not your concern. It seems your mother has strong opinions on you and dgd and you have inherited/learnt that trait from her. Break the pattern it's not a healthy one. If you are struggling you could consider counselling yourself

Who said I was involved in her relationship ?

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moomindragon · 07/01/2025 06:37

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 05:48

Agreed it is her home too but is it acceptable for her to treat the home like a hotel ... not contribute and just use it as a sleeping pad ?

She sounds unwell, OP. Would you be saying the same if she had a physical illness?

Original poster

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:39

lifesrichpageant · 07/01/2025 06:34

Respectfully OP I think you should focus on yourself and your own anxiety and coping mechanisms and possibly find some therapy and support for yourself.

The over-focus on your DD is not helping matters and threatens to impact your relationship. She is an adult with a full time job and while I see why you are concerned, you worrying about her is not/not/not going to shift this situation!

I think your right

OP posts:

Original poster

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:40

lifesrichpageant · 07/01/2025 06:35

You may find it interesting to read about parent/child enmeshment. It is very common and hard to identify when you are in the middle of it. You sound like a loving mum. Good luck.

Thank you I will check this out

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InkHeart2024 · 07/01/2025 06:40

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:23

I do end up arguing with my mum over her as she cannot see what the issue is and makes me feel like I'm the one who is the problem here . Perhaps I am who knows ? Mum always sides with DD no matter what she does she always has . She never tried to support me on any matter which leaves me feeling like utter crap

You asked what's wrong with discussing DD with your mum. Well here it is. You are an adult, the parent of an adult. You don't need to ask advice about your child or your life or anything really with your mum! She's infantilising you and you're doing the same for your daughter. You all need to live a bit more autonomously.

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:42

She sounds unwell, OP. Would you be saying the same if she had a physical illness?

But she doesn't have an illness! She's assigned herself the label of "anxiety" and shovelled tablets down her throat for a decade.

How much have you facilitated this, OP? It makes me uneasy when someone describes their mum/daughter as their best friend.

buttonousmaximous · 07/01/2025 06:42

"Why is it odd to discuss with my mum ? Mum asks about her and I have to have someone to confide in . I don't think that's odd at all ? My mum is genuinely concerned about her as we all are"

Myself and my adult dds have a rule, 'is it our story to tell? ' I don't discuss my dds personal information behind their backs. it's up to your dd if she wants to discuss her issues with her dgm it's not for public opinion. You are discussing her like she's a child. If your mother asks about her say she's fine, stick to generic discussion and suggest she asks dd herself if she wants more detail.

buttonousmaximous · 07/01/2025 06:45

@justanotherday12

Who said I was involved in her relationship ?

Based on your concerns she will lose the relationship. Her relationship is between her and her bf. I'd only be concerned if I thought she was being treated badly.

Original poster

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:46

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:42

She sounds unwell, OP. Would you be saying the same if she had a physical illness?

But she doesn't have an illness! She's assigned herself the label of "anxiety" and shovelled tablets down her throat for a decade.

How much have you facilitated this, OP? It makes me uneasy when someone describes their mum/daughter as their best friend.

If I have facilitated this I haven't done it intentionally . My intentions have always been to do the best for DD . Reading some of these comments I've probably done more harm than good which makes me feel terrible .
Perhaps I don't fully understand MH enough

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buttonousmaximous · 07/01/2025 06:47

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:42

She sounds unwell, OP. Would you be saying the same if she had a physical illness?

But she doesn't have an illness! She's assigned herself the label of "anxiety" and shovelled tablets down her throat for a decade.

How much have you facilitated this, OP? It makes me uneasy when someone describes their mum/daughter as their best friend.

Or a doctor gave her a diagnosis of anxiety and prescribed appropriately?

Another consideration op, the meds she's on, could the sleeping be a side effect?

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:51

Or a doctor gave her a diagnosis of anxiety and prescribed appropriately?

Well clearly they didn't prescribe appropriately if she's worse after 10 years.

GretchenWienersHair · 07/01/2025 06:53

BeaSure · 07/01/2025 06:42

She sounds unwell, OP. Would you be saying the same if she had a physical illness?

But she doesn't have an illness! She's assigned herself the label of "anxiety" and shovelled tablets down her throat for a decade.

How much have you facilitated this, OP? It makes me uneasy when someone describes their mum/daughter as their best friend.

Well if the doctor has prescribed medication for it, she clearly hasn’t “assigned herself a label”. FGS I know the word “anxiety” is overused but it doesn’t cease to be a real mental health issue just because a few people decide to throw the word around every five minutes.

GretchenWienersHair · 07/01/2025 06:58

justanotherday12 · 07/01/2025 06:46

If I have facilitated this I haven't done it intentionally . My intentions have always been to do the best for DD . Reading some of these comments I've probably done more harm than good which makes me feel terrible .
Perhaps I don't fully understand MH enough

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You have not done more harm than good and don’t let strangers on MN make you feel like shit for trying to do the best for your DD.

She’s clearly struggling. I’m sure you’ve already tried everything like spending quality time with her, having a chat and encouraging her, all of those things. The reality is it’s a rut she has to dig herself out of.

My suggestion would be to help her start building some independence again in small steps. Doing her own laundry (maybe starting with at least ironing and working her way up to the entire load?), getting a few bits in from the shops on her way home before working her way up to a full shop, etc. Leave her to sleep if that’s what she needs, but when she’s awake just continue to be as emotionally supportive as possible whilst also encouraging her to be independent.

HoraceCope · 07/01/2025 06:58

GretchenWienersHair · 07/01/2025 06:58

You have not done more harm than good and don’t let strangers on MN make you feel like shit for trying to do the best for your DD.

She’s clearly struggling. I’m sure you’ve already tried everything like spending quality time with her, having a chat and encouraging her, all of those things. The reality is it’s a rut she has to dig herself out of.

My suggestion would be to help her start building some independence again in small steps. Doing her own laundry (maybe starting with at least ironing and working her way up to the entire load?), getting a few bits in from the shops on her way home before working her way up to a full shop, etc. Leave her to sleep if that’s what she needs, but when she’s awake just continue to be as emotionally supportive as possible whilst also encouraging her to be independent.

Edited

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exactly