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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Terrible girlfriend for my son

118 replies

Alea34 · 26/12/2024 06:58

How to make my son realise he made a terrible choice of girlfriend?
My son is about to graduate and I feel like he didn’t make a lots of friends in uni, but have been seeing a girlfriend for the last 6 month than we know very little of. They came together home for Christmas and I can’t believe what is happening. She is a non English speaker, heavily overweight no job, studying or any inclination to do something. She estranged from her family. I think he is taking on all her personal problems to sort out… is there a way to help him open his eyes?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 26/12/2024 07:08

How does she communicate with your son, and do her uni work, if she doesn’t speak English?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 26/12/2024 07:12

Maybe she has some wonderful qualities that you have missed. He has chosen this woman for now at least, and he is grown up , though still young. You can’t do much except be friendly to her and ready to talk if your son wants to.

bifurCAT · 26/12/2024 07:20

DustyLee123 · 26/12/2024 07:08

How does she communicate with your son, and do her uni work, if she doesn’t speak English?

I think OP just means Engkish isn't her first language.

If what you're r saying about your son is true, that he didn't have a lot of friends, etc, I'd extrapolate from that and say he's probably socially awkward, average looking, not particularly experienced with flirting and girls, etc. No offence.

That means he's probably treating dating like I did at uni. I'd describe myself that way. He's probably been on OLD and found it absolutely demoralising. You see 90% of women filtering out 90% of men, leaving those 90% of men feeling so so sh!t. As such, he's probably taking what he can get... I.e., her.

Sadly, there's not much you can do about it. When has a mother ever been able to convince a son that the girl is bad. I'd simply try to reinforce to him the importance of condoms etc so he doesn't get her pregnant and is stuck with her. Then hopefully the relationship will run it's course.

fanaticalfairy · 26/12/2024 07:27

No. Leave him to it.

Original poster
Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:28

She is learning English, very slowly. I think he is completing her sentences, making them into what he wants to hear, so more into a relationship with himself. I agree with socially awkward, but this is worse than being by himself… i am straggling with being supportive.

OP posts:
Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 26/12/2024 07:28

You’ll just push him away if you criticise her.

fanaticalfairy · 26/12/2024 07:28

I don't see what her weight has to do with her being a terrible girlfriend?

BeLilacSloth · 26/12/2024 07:32

You shouldn’t judge her on her weight, however no job or aspirations to do anything doesn’t sound great, you should tell your son how you feel OP.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 26/12/2024 07:36

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BCBird · 26/12/2024 07:37

I agree re weight- that should be irrelevant factor in the catalogue of criticisms. It best for u to.be as neutral as possible so if things do go awry or he wants to express doubts, he knows he can talk to u. Don't allow her to become a lodger stealthily

Original poster
Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:39

I am not judging her by her weight, I just put it in for context, as I don’t think it is physical attraction.

OP posts:
Sunshineandrainbow · 26/12/2024 07:41

Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:39

I am not judging her by her weight, I just put it in for context, as I don’t think it is physical attraction.

Oh please....

Not just overweight, heavily overweight!!!!

I am out.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 26/12/2024 07:41

@Alea34 this is a very creepy thing to say about your son.

Is English your first language?

EmmaEmEmz · 26/12/2024 07:41

Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:39

I am not judging her by her weight, I just put it in for context, as I don’t think it is physical attraction.

You're not helping yourself here .

Signed, a fat person whose partner finds them attractive...

Original poster
Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:42

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I would be grateful to anyone criticising my son, this is a chance to prove oneself and grow. It is far worse to be overly accepting of shortcomings.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 26/12/2024 07:44

I have adult sons OP, one of my sons had a girlfriend who was just not right for him, we didn’t say a word, he needed to make that decision himself, eventually he woke up to the controlling and manipulative behaviour and ended the relationship within 18mths. He then took a break from dating for a few months and then met his new girlfriend, who is just great, no red flags, she is absolutely ideal for him and they are so happy. So don’t give up hope OP.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 26/12/2024 07:44

Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:42

I would be grateful to anyone criticising my son, this is a chance to prove oneself and grow. It is far worse to be overly accepting of shortcomings.

Show quote history

It’s not really though is it, when you’re just bitching behind someone’s back.

WinterFoxes · 26/12/2024 07:45

I think we just have to suck it up for now. The main thing is to stay close and loving so they turn to you when it falls apart.
Ds has brought his girlfriend to us for Christmas. She has moved in with him but is not paying rent. She slopes off immediately after every meal to avoid helping clear up. Yesterday I just said, your turn to help clear up and she looked so sulky, as if the servants had turned on her.
When we play games at table she sits with her back to us to make it clear she doesn't want to join in. She's not wanted to go on any family outings or walks which he usually loves. I've tried to hide my dislike but I hope he finds someone who is less of a lazy freeloader soon.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 26/12/2024 07:45

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W0tnow · 26/12/2024 07:48

I’d class not studying, not working, and no inclination to do so, pretty serious shortcomings!

But I’m confused, how is she in the UK? Where is she from? Is she on some kind of visa? In which case she’d have to be working, or studying English. No?

Original poster
Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:48

Roselilly36 · 26/12/2024 07:44

I have adult sons OP, one of my sons had a girlfriend who was just not right for him, we didn’t say a word, he needed to make that decision himself, eventually he woke up to the controlling and manipulative behaviour and ended the relationship within 18mths. He then took a break from dating for a few months and then met his new girlfriend, who is just great, no red flags, she is absolutely ideal for him and they are so happy. So don’t give up hope OP.

Thank you very much, that is what I am struggling with. I know anything I say can backfire but it so hard to watch in silence.

OP posts:
curious79 · 26/12/2024 07:48

Be very welcoming, but just keep on asking ‘so what are your plans for next?’ Etc. do not under any circumstance critique her - he must find out for himself

we helped our son see that his GF’s enthusiasm for no work and becoming a housewife would result in a burden falling squarely on his shoulder without ever actually criticising her

Dodgydodgydodgy · 26/12/2024 07:52

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MauveGoose · 26/12/2024 08:03

Hmmm honestly it sounds like your son is taking advantage of someone that he can control because of her lack of English speaking skills and precarious residency status in the UK. Not very nice of him.

westernlights · 26/12/2024 08:04

Why do people get so annoyed when OP stated the girlfriend was overweight?
It's a physical description just as much as if she said slim.