Terrible girlfriend for my son

[Alea34]

How to make my son realise he made a terrible choice of girlfriend?
My son is about to graduate and I feel like he didn’t make a lots of friends in uni, but have been seeing a girlfriend for the last 6 month than we know very little of. They came together home for Christmas and I can’t believe what is happening. She is a non English speaker, heavily overweight no job, studying or any inclination to do something. She estranged from her family. I think he is taking on all her personal problems to sort out… is there a way to help him open his eyes?

I think it's silly for people to say 'why does weight matter'. Let's not ignore obvious facts - it's linked to health conditions, could demonstrate lack of personal care, lack of education regarding nutrition. Obesity is a nationally health crisis, let's not pretend any of us would cheer our children having overweight partners.

Your son may be a feeder. You don’t know for sure what he finds attractive in a woman unless he specifically told you.

OK, you didn't put it brilliantly OP but most people would be very unhappy/concerned with the girlfriend situation as you describe. The choice of partner is probably THE most significant determinant in quality of life, happiness, etc yet as parents we have so little control over it, none really. And unlike other areas of life where we might offer gentle guidance which can be received reasonably well - choice of course, job, area to live etc - nobody takes well to having an other half criticised. It's simply too personal. Indeed any such criticism or expressions of doubt/concern might have the opposite effect and push them closer to the girlfriend/boyfriend. So there really isn't much you can do I don't think. My friend is tearing her hair out that her bright, previously very social 20 year old son is going out with a girl who is not terrible but is a hypochondriac and a total drip who deadens everything she touches. On one level, his caring nature speaks well if him, but naturally she wants him to be living a full and adventurous life not pandering to this girl and her complaints. It's very difficult.

You can't make your son see anything and you have to let him make his own mistakes. What is your fear - that she is taking advantage of him financially or to get residency? If so I think you need more evidence because it may be that she is trying to get her shit together. You don't know enough yet. All you can do is be a support if needed if it all starts to go in the wrong direction. Does your son have a history of naivety? If so you could find ways to help him understand that what people say doesn't always match their true intentions.

Thank you for sharing. I am braving myself for this as well…

Unfortunately you can't do anything. Or best not to and let him work it out. You might mention subtly whether she's just using him but that's it.

There's a lot of grief for mentioning her weight but come on, we all understand what she means, whether we like it or not. Physical looks are one of the possible reasons for attraction.

Uni work?

You sound pleasant

So you have a son who is so socially awkward that he (hardly) made any friends at university? Now he has shown up with a woman who is largely depend on him.

I am concerned, OP, but not for him. I am worried about her. I am worried the attraction for him is that she needs someone to navigate life and that once she'll become more independent he won't like her as much or will try to keep her down.

Also, why is your son so socially awkward? Are you keeping him on a short lease and not allowing him to grow up? The tone of your post does suggest that you don't see him as an adult.

But that is a judgment, based on you thinking that being overweight is not an attractive look, so therefore your Son could not possibly be attracted to her. Why do you think he is with her then?

I note OP still resolutely refusing to answer any of these questions...

Why should the OP answer as to whether she has claimed any benefits? What has that got to do with anything?

So you are "straggling", but she's the one who can't speak English? Lol.

I am 100% certain she would not have mentioned the girlfriend's physical shape had the girlfriend been slim.

There is little you can do op. The likelihood is that it will fizzle out as they are still very young. My dd has dated some real winners 🥺 and was engaged to someone who seemed perfect but turned out to be cheating on her from early on in the relationship. You just have to be there for your son and ready to be supportive when things don’t work out.

Yes it is very hard I can empathise completely, it was a really horrible time for our family.

Eventually something will happen, I am sure OP. My son’s relationship came to a very sudden and abrupt end. We knew he wasn’t happy for months before he ended it. Everyone has their limit.

I remember him saying to me what a waste of time that was mum, I said no it wasn’t you have learned a lot and won’t ever allow anyone to treat you like that again.

His girlfriend now is the total opposite of the last one in every way, she is polite, friendly, caring, they wash up together after dinner here, treats my son really well, there is absolutely nothing we could say against her. She works so hard (at Uni, Med student) we would be delighted if she became our DIL in the future.

It would give us context to the way she chooses to live her life. Why she feels she can judge others? Has she ever needed help and understanding from others or the benefit system?

OP prefers to cower away from answering any questions about herself.

So OP, in your perfection you feel you need to vet your son's g/fs then?

Wow.

Unless she is abusing him you need to leave it alone. You'll be the one left in the cold otherwise.

And watch your body shaming and racism/ xenophobia. It's showing through.

Ok, thanks for clarifying.

What a nasty thing to say

Loads of guys like big girls. It's not unusual.

Because it's irrelevant to whether this woman is a nice person or not. Same as there'd be no need to mention her height, skin colour, hair style, dress sense etc

Can your son do a lot better? Is it an obvious major mismatch to all who meet them?