Terrible girlfriend for my son

[Alea34]

How to make my son realise he made a terrible choice of girlfriend?
My son is about to graduate and I feel like he didn’t make a lots of friends in uni, but have been seeing a girlfriend for the last 6 month than we know very little of. They came together home for Christmas and I can’t believe what is happening. She is a non English speaker, heavily overweight no job, studying or any inclination to do something. She estranged from her family. I think he is taking on all her personal problems to sort out… is there a way to help him open his eyes?

I agree!

If OP had said “she doesn’t speak English, doesn’t have a job, has brown hair” we’d all find that a bit odd! I think the overweight is just a very unnecessary add on.

@FridayFeelingmidweek it's absolutely none of your business if any of your children have an overweight partner - and if you were my mother and commented on my partners weight and how he wasn't right for me based on what you've said above, I just wouldn't talk to you ever again. Nasty piece of work.

My mother is obese. She was active enough before the toll of a lifetime of obesity hit. She couldn't sit on the floor and play with us or run around outside etc. She always moaning her knees hurt. Now living with multiple obesity linked health conditions.

It drives me mad when people get shit for not wanting to share their life with someone overweight/obese like it's just shallow and they are a bad person. The evidence and health studies on obesity are out there in the public domain it's shameful people attack those who worry about it.

I think being overweight after having a baby or being sick, or as we enter older age is very different to starting off very overweight and having the ability to be healthier and not bothering

Ugh, fat and foreign. How simply disgusting.

Wow, I've never used language like you have in your post in my life. I think you might have the problem here. Also, I've not said I would ever comment, just simply that it would be naive to think being overweight doesn't have associated problems. Try the NHS, have a look. Please consider your language, very aggressive.

Wow, I think your sweary language says a lot more than my comment about being overweight having associated concerns, such as health issues. Also, what on earth has dress sense got to do with anything: please don't judge people by what they wear.
Hopefully you don't use that language around your children's partners.

I would hold back on giving him your opinion for now, if he doesn't know.it already. It is likely to make him want to date her more. Also, it is only 6 months, it isn't that long really. It's not uncommon to have a few short term relationships before they find someone. Give him space to figure it out on his own. If you see anything particularly worrying or a change in him, then you could talk to him. But for now i'd give him the space he needs to grow up and figure things out for himself unless there is obvious concern. Think back at you own youth. Were mistakes made? Did everything work out first time..

Where are they going to live after uni, could you take her uunder your wing a bit and help to set her up with studies / a job? If she doesn’t speak English well she may be struggling to find her feet. Is your son’s lifestyle quite active and healthy, it could encourage her to be more so if he made a bit of effort to include her.

On the one hand, YABU— would you have taken your own mother's advice on who to date? Most wouldn't. Disagreements over who I dated repeatedly put a rift between me and my own mum. You need to let him make his own mistakes.

On the other hand, the poor language skills is a bit of a red flag, but if she's keen on him then it's probably okay.

If his girlfriend speaks little English how does she know her aspirations? She can't have had such intense conversations with her

Maybe the son has been looking for a GF who is as unlike his "perfect" mother as she can possibly be - for good reasons.

It’s difficult when your adult child starts seeing someone whom you don’t take to. One of my DD’s (19) friends is with someone whom no one can stand, including her parents (I’m friends with her Mum). But you have to let them get on with it and work it out for themselves, unless you’re concerned that they’re being abused or exploited.

There's really nothing you can do. If you criticise her you will push him away from you and closer to her.
You will just have to sit tight and hope he either comes to his senses or she proves you wrong and they develop a positive relationship.
Just be there for him, don't treat him any differently.

If she is at an English speaking university, she must have sufficient English to communicate with your son? Otherwise I'd be a bit concerned how well they can know each other if they can't communicate. I do think, being at an English speaking university, her English must be reasonable though.

As for the rest, you never know how it might work out. My ILs considered me unsuitable. There was quite an economic disparity at the time, meaning he did carry me a lot, but that wasn't why I was interested in him. In the end, I have made their son happy for over 30 years. I have been a good wife and always loyal. I will continue to do so. We have grown together. I'd give her a chance.

People need to understand that it's not uncommon to find overweight people unattractive, sorry but it's the truth. It says to me you don't prioritise your health and wellbeing, I don't want to be with someone like that.

Also this young woman doesn't even have a JOB and she doesn't study. So the connotations of laziness associated with being obese are ringing true here.

@FridayFeelingmidweek you have never used language like I did? I didn't even swear! I promise I am not the one with the problem, I don't judge people and whether they'd be a good partner based on their weight. Have a day off for goodness sake, you absolute melt 🤣

Maybe the sex is great.

and as for being overweight - in whose opinion ?

You sound awful! She may not be great, but I'm not sure how you can judge her so hardly when you've just met her and known her no longer than 5 minutes.

*harshly

Some harsh responses here OP you gave my sympathies. Our dd brought home an inarticulate rescue job last year. His parents clearly thought he was into a good thing too and were very kind to her. We smiled and didn’t say a word and treated him impeccably. She saw the light of day got brave and ended it and now has an equal. Supportive, hard working, interested and interesting company, independent but likes to be involved in our family life alongside her. We hope it lasts but if it doesn’t we won’t say a word. You have to trust them.

I don’t think it matters if his MUM finds her being overweight unattractive. As long as he thinks she’s attractive, that’s what matters.

I would find it bizzare if my partner thought my curves were divine but his mum deemed them unattractive. Neither me nor him would give a flying fuck what she thought.

Don't go straight in attacking the girlfriend as he'll leap to her defense.

Instead do all you can to treat him well and boost himself esteem and remind him he is worthy of love and a safe happy relationship - if he isn't getting this from her this will help boost himself esteem enough to walk away.

Be a non judgmental listener in general so that he trusts you enough to open up if he wants to.

Overweight and not fluent in English? How can this be?! It's a disaster I tell you! 🙄

It absolutely isn't

Where did he meet her if she doesn't work or study or speak English?