Page 4 | Terrible girlfriend for my son

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/12/2024 00:05

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And the Op would be grateful if she did…..

Imperrysmum · 27/12/2024 00:13

Tread very carefully OP, if she is estranged from her family, that may well be on the cards for you too if you upset her and your son. Just be happy that he is happy and make more effort to find her nice qualities.

FutureFry · 27/12/2024 00:19

@TheyCantBurnUsAll

Well put. I was trying to think of how to write what you conveyed without being offensive, and I think you did this perfectly.

I don't want to be overweight and actively try not to be, similar to many. There are known and very serious health consequences to being overweight.

Overweight DF is pre diabetic and overweight DM has severe arthritis.

I want my children & their partners to be as healthy as they can be, and I'm sorry, but obese isn't healthy.

Zero to do with keeping up appearances or attraction.

SlightlyJaded · 27/12/2024 00:24

MauveGoose · 26/12/2024 08:03

Hmmm honestly it sounds like your son is taking advantage of someone that he can control because of her lack of English speaking skills and precarious residency status in the UK. Not very nice of him.

WHAT? How on earth have made this leap? Bonkers.

OP I understand that you feel disappointed for him, the question is does he feel disappointed? If HE feels like he is desperate/settling - then by all means encourage him to reconsider. But if he is genuinely happy, you might need to accept that, for now at least, the relationship is offering him something you can't see.

oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 00:54

Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:39

I am not judging her by her weight, I just put it in for context, as I don’t think it is physical attraction.

Maybe he finds obesity attractive?

But what would worry me much more than her avoirdupois would be her ''estrangement'' from her family.

That does NOT augur well.

She could cause your son to become estranged from you and the rest of his family.

Abbyk1980 · 27/12/2024 00:57

bifurCAT · 26/12/2024 07:20

I think OP just means Engkish isn't her first language.

If what you're r saying about your son is true, that he didn't have a lot of friends, etc, I'd extrapolate from that and say he's probably socially awkward, average looking, not particularly experienced with flirting and girls, etc. No offence.

That means he's probably treating dating like I did at uni. I'd describe myself that way. He's probably been on OLD and found it absolutely demoralising. You see 90% of women filtering out 90% of men, leaving those 90% of men feeling so so sh!t. As such, he's probably taking what he can get... I.e., her.

Sadly, there's not much you can do about it. When has a mother ever been able to convince a son that the girl is bad. I'd simply try to reinforce to him the importance of condoms etc so he doesn't get her pregnant and is stuck with her. Then hopefully the relationship will run it's course.

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Sorry, I found that really disgusting just because what the woman is a bit overweight now judging oh my fucking god you sound like some sort of incel

Abbyk1980 · 27/12/2024 00:59

Alea34 · 26/12/2024 07:39

I am not judging her by her weight, I just put it in for context, as I don’t think it is physical attraction.

You don’t know that and quite frankly if the only place he’s met, somebody is at universe is it then? Surely she’s been at university too you do not know what’s attracted your son. You’re only judging it because you don’t like the fact that she’s overweight you sound absolutely vile.

Abbyk1980 · 27/12/2024 01:02

FridayFeelingmidweek · 26/12/2024 08:06

I think it's silly for people to say 'why does weight matter'. Let's not ignore obvious facts - it's linked to health conditions, could demonstrate lack of personal care, lack of education regarding nutrition. Obesity is a nationally health crisis, let's not pretend any of us would cheer our children having overweight partners.

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Another judgemental person wow

Abbyk1980 · 27/12/2024 01:04

SunshineAndFizz · 26/12/2024 08:20

There's a lot of grief for mentioning her weight but come on, we all understand what she means, whether we like it or not. Physical looks are one of the possible reasons for attraction.

You do realise that there are men out there that actually quite like bigger women so you know what? It’s absolutely disgusting to judge people like that.

Abbyk1980 · 27/12/2024 01:08

FutureFry · 27/12/2024 00:19

@TheyCantBurnUsAll

Well put. I was trying to think of how to write what you conveyed without being offensive, and I think you did this perfectly.

I don't want to be overweight and actively try not to be, similar to many. There are known and very serious health consequences to being overweight.

Overweight DF is pre diabetic and overweight DM has severe arthritis.

I want my children & their partners to be as healthy as they can be, and I'm sorry, but obese isn't healthy.

Zero to do with keeping up appearances or attraction.

Maybe it is issue but have you thought that some people are overweight because of abuse? They may have Had as a child? Maybe that’s why she doesn’t speak to her parents this constant judgemental attitude is absolutely vile and disgusting.

Abbyk1980 · 27/12/2024 01:09

oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 00:54

Maybe he finds obesity attractive?

But what would worry me much more than her avoirdupois would be her ''estrangement'' from her family.

That does NOT augur well.

She could cause your son to become estranged from you and the rest of his family.

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I am a strange from my family because my family were abusive stop judging and jumping to conclusions

Edingril · 27/12/2024 01:13

Will you be the one having to help sort things out like will they both end up living with you? Will you have to help raise any grandchildren?

Will they need to ask you for money? It is all well and good saying keep out of here can handle any issues himself

HoppityBun · 27/12/2024 01:13

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 26/12/2024 19:24

My mother is obese. She was active enough before the toll of a lifetime of obesity hit. She couldn't sit on the floor and play with us or run around outside etc. She always moaning her knees hurt. Now living with multiple obesity linked health conditions.

It drives me mad when people get shit for not wanting to share their life with someone overweight/obese like it's just shallow and they are a bad person. The evidence and health studies on obesity are out there in the public domain it's shameful people attack those who worry about it.

I think being overweight after having a baby or being sick, or as we enter older age is very different to starting off very overweight and having the ability to be healthier and not bothering

I understand your point @TheyCantBurnUsAll and I agree to some extent and also I have no standing to contradict your experience. I do think, though, that it’s not possible just to say that this girlfriend isn’t bothering. The OP’s son has a limited to non existent friendship group and found university difficult, as I read it. Istm likely that the girlfriend has similar vulnerabilities and her overweight is possibly a symptom not a cause of that, which would be why they have found an alliance together.

It is entirely possible- and I have come across this happening- that as they grow in confidence together she’ll lose weight.

RosesAndHellebores · 27/12/2024 01:14

I would be distinctly unimpressed with either of my dc if they brought home a boyfriend/girlfriend who:

Did not work
Did not study
Was estranged from their family
Spoke no English and therefore couldn't communicate

It would be a huge worry but life has taught me that if a partner is criticised it makes asking for help or admitting a mistake harder.

I would want to about someone's provenance, their aspirations, interests, ambition, etc Where is this girl living and gow is she funding herself?

PreferMyAnimals · 27/12/2024 02:56

My adult son tells me most women are attractive. My DH agreed when I asked him about that idea. I suspect the majority can look past the superficial.

DreamTheMoors · 27/12/2024 03:51

YourGladSquid · 26/12/2024 08:07

Your son may be a feeder. You don’t know for sure what he finds attractive in a woman unless he specifically told you.

My mum struggled with her weight her entire life.
My dad constantly bought her fancy chocolates and such that she had very little willpower for.
Mum called Dad a “diet saboteur.”

caramelcappucino · 27/12/2024 04:00

Is he happy?

Original poster

Alea34 · 27/12/2024 05:59

caramelcappucino · 27/12/2024 04:00

Is he happy?

No, he is not happy.

OP posts:

SunshineAndFizz · 27/12/2024 07:33

@Abbyk1980 I mean this kindly, I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to about the things that have happened in your life.

PreferMyAnimals · 27/12/2024 08:00

caramelcappucino · 27/12/2024 04:00

Is he happy?

How do you know, or are you assuming?

LPCrunchie · 27/12/2024 08:55

If I suspected that my son was neurodivergent and hence had difficulties with social interaction, I would support him through the relationship. This support would be through gentle examples of what a relationship is and what it is not. Ask him what he likes about the girl and what she likes about him. Perhaps try to get to know the girl a bit more yourself- she may simply be a diamond in the rough who sees something in your son that others do not.

YourGladSquid · 27/12/2024 08:59

DreamTheMoors · 27/12/2024 03:51

My mum struggled with her weight her entire life.
My dad constantly bought her fancy chocolates and such that she had very little willpower for.
Mum called Dad a “diet saboteur.”

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My partner is like this, he always wants me to accompany him in his eating - I’m not 6’4 so I can’t be shoving food down every other minute.

But seriously @Alea34 I know a couple where the man is average sized and his wife is morbidly obese. It could just be love beyond the physical, but we all suspect there’s a feeding fetish going on. However they’ve been together for over a decade and seem very happy so it’s no one’s business.

CitiesInDust · 27/12/2024 09:03

If the OP hadn’t mentioned the girlfriend’s weight everyone would have concluded that the reason he had gone for her was looks. So I think it is relevant. Obviously he still finds her attractive, but it’s not the same scenario as if she’s a classically model sort of look.

OP, I would be having general relationship conversations with him.

Mls1984btc · 27/12/2024 09:10

Is she rich?
Trying to find a reason but sometimes there's none.

CrazyGoatLady · 27/12/2024 09:12

Alea34 · 26/12/2024 06:58

How to make my son realise he made a terrible choice of girlfriend?
My son is about to graduate and I feel like he didn’t make a lots of friends in uni, but have been seeing a girlfriend for the last 6 month than we know very little of. They came together home for Christmas and I can’t believe what is happening. She is a non English speaker, heavily overweight no job, studying or any inclination to do something. She estranged from her family. I think he is taking on all her personal problems to sort out… is there a way to help him open his eyes?

Racism and fatphobia. Lovely. I think you might want to look in the mirror before you criticise others to be honest.