Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

I'm scared to say anything to him because everything I say goes back to her

What on earth would you be saying to your DS that you cant say to his wife's face?

Exactly
Op you said you went with your 'parents'
But did you holiday with the in-laws?
I wouldn't have gone with my in-laws

Of course it does, they're married and you're discussing plans that involve them both! Why are you scared about it getting back to her - is it because you're criticising her?
Tbh it sounds like he's the one who isn't bothered and he's using his wife as a stalling technique.

Sadly this is common amongst certain men who hate being nagged - they will do anything for a quiet life.

It's a shame he's behaving like this and it does sound he is passive in that relationship - swapping one mum for another. {If everything you say is relayed through to the wife}

They say mothers of sons are on the back foot once they marry - as often the wife sticks to her own mother and the son's mother gets left out.

The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean.

It sounds like you already know why they might not want to spend too much time with you.

You said yourself that there's always conflict and you don't know how to communicate what you want to them without it causing a row.

From what you describe, it sounds like they are just tired of the arguing and want a quiet life. So if you want to change their perception of how much hassle it is going to be to see you, you'll need to change the way you communicate with them, as that's the only part you have any control over.

That's an old saying..But based in truth, as all the old sayings are.

Tell us you don't like her without telling us you don't like her.

The real issue is why you brought your son up to be useless.

I haven't read all the replies but a few things struck me here. You have sent this just before Christmas which is a very busy time for most where their head is all over the place. Was this the best time? Have you offered it as some sort of Christmas present, in which case it seems more like a loaded present to answer your needs than to answer theirs at this time. You also want them to act grateful when actually it seems a bit like a present with pressure attached (they should be grateful, you are paying therefore it's for them).

I don't mean that to sound harsh as it is not unfair for you to want to spend time but it seems a little manipulative to me to do it in this way. It makes it awkward for them to refuse both because it's you paying and because of the timing. This might be why they haven't replied straight away and it is a bit unfair to be upset with them not immediately responding or being grateful.

You paying is kind, but could add pressure in that it might make people feel like they would have to be grateful throughout the trip and have no say over what they do, or if they wanted time out or do things apart for some of the time.

It strikes me that your granddaughter is still extremely young and your DIL and son might be at that very anxious and early stage. This might be hard to communicate and they might be a bit more relaxed in time. I would take the pressure off them for weekends away which might be too long for them and out of their comfort zone. If I were offering a present I would try to think of a present purely for them, not trying to use it to get more time or whatever you are wanting out of it. Maybe ask them what they really want. You could get them a weekend away without yourself and husband going. Don't use presents for other motives, it just adds guilt and awkwardness.

In terms of seeing more of them, that is really a separate issue but I'd start smaller like an afternoon trip out together or something like that or a meal out, rather than pushing for weekends away where people might be irrationally stressed with a young baby. If they are reluctant, it might be more to do with anxiety or early parenthood more than to do with you so it's worth bearing that in mind and trying not to take things personally. I would try not to let resentment build up during this early time but remember people can get more relaxed when their kids getting a little older so things can change a lot.

Also, a week isn't that much notice to make a decision that may affect annual leave/budget/work schedules etc.

Crazy that so many people are blaming the DIL (who actually says ‘hen pecked’ nowadays for fucks same) and not your son. Sounds like she has to organise everything and communicate with his family while he ignores them and she still gets the blame for not being good enough.

It's untrue in your situation, not everyones

It’s up to your son to respond. I get on good with my MIL overall however I wouldn’t want to spend a weekend away. We tried this and MIL spent all time talking to DH re people they both knew and I didn’t. Things from their joint past. Everything was what MIL wanted to do or go places and I went along with it. We both work full time, time together is precious and I don’t want to spend days with my MIL. We didn’t go again and just visit.

OP my mum has had this problem with my sister in law. She has found it very very difficult to get to her. She has always been held at arm´s length. Now she has Alzheimers my brother is told off for helping my mother "too much". All cases are different but really my SIL just never knew how to share. I have lowered my expectations and match my energy to hers. It is best that way. I suggest you do that.

I do think your son is really rude not to respond tbh. Honestly I really wouldn’t want to go on a trip with my in-laws, no problems it just wouldn’t be much fun for me. But not replying about things like lunch or dinner etc is pretty awful. Tbh they seem to have taken your babysitting for granted, perhaps you for granted.

This really is a son problem, I don’t communicate on my Dh’s behalf but he is pretty good at staying in touch with his parents. We do check with each other if something is going to work out or not. I don’t think he’s under the thumb I think he can’t be arsed, thats the thing I see most often with men. They just cannot be bothered. It’s disappointing but not much you can do about that. I would drop the holiday idea and keep trying with the lunch etc idea. Do you have a group whatsapp so either one of them can respond?

It is definitely poor on his part and OP should be holding him accountable but the situation she presents also happens where the wife makes the call and the son just goes along like a limp biscuit. So yes it still on him.

My post was directly to the comment about why she would want to spend time with her MIL.

And I can under not wanting to go on vacation with your uncles but turning down every invite to lunch etc is poor on both of them especially when OP is good enough for free childcare.

I wouldn't want my children to feel obligated to spend time with me if they didn't want to!

Good for you I suppose, but I think most of us would be heartbroken that our children didn’t want to spend time with us.

It has the potential to be THE most tricky relationship ever.
Daughter in law and son's mother.

Both 'fighting' over the same man {so a perceptive male Gay friend said}

He is right.

That's the bottom line.

I don’t see why this is a solely a DIL problem. The problem is just as much, or more so, with your son. The way you speak about her isn’t so nice so she has probably picked up on the fact that you don’t like her. It is rude not to answer the invitation but it sounds like they just don’t want to go. I don’t want to go away with my parents even though I get on fine with them and so does my DH.

Enjoy looking after your GC. Invite them round for coffee or dinner and see if you can improve relations with them and don’t blame your DIL for your son’s lack of communication.

That's tricky - I'm sorry that you're upset by it. I have similar - I go up to Liverpool to see my family every Christmas and have said to my partner that he's either welcome to come or not come, but because I don't get to see them much, I will be going either way because it's important to me to see them. He always chooses to come with me, and I'm sure his Mum resents me for it, but it's his decision, not mine.

As for the break, that's very generous of you. Is it possible they feel a bit awkward accepting such a big gift? I'm not sure I'd accept a free holiday personally. I'd feel like I owed something and would also feel it a bit of a waste of money when for example my car keeps breaking. You said your son says he's very busy - do you think that's an excuse or does he genuinely have a lot on at the moment and can't spare the time?

Did your son and DIL ask you to do childcare or was this something you asked to do?

Either way your son should be more communicative and reply to you.

Message him say you can't do the free childcare any more starting 1st January and then see how quick he gets back to you ...

So what if it goes back to her?

For those saying they barely see their husbands families, bear in mind that those people are also related to you and more importantly yoir children.

Noted OP is good enough for free childcare though? I would be stopping that.

what will the OP do if they say ok?

Absolutely this. My MIL has always been incredibly rude to me. She’s made it clear she doesn’t like me. That’s fine. I don’t like her, so it’s mutual. We are, for the most part, polite to each other, apart from the occasional time when she can’t control herself, and I walk away. She is however just beginning to realise that I don’t see her when my DH is away (and thus she doesn’t see my DS). I would never choose to actively spend time with people that don’t like me. Why would I?