Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

Say to your son that it is really hurtful when they go to Dorest with her family twice a year and just use you for babysitting. You're flexible on dates for a weekend away, which you are paying for, but you'd like a date when they drop her off next for the first babysitting day of the new year.

I think you start by suggesting something more low key - half day trip to a farm or similar and build on fun time together

I'd be interested to hear your son and DIL's account of things.

Because they're husband and wife. OF COURSE he needs to check / discuss things with his wife!!!

when do they have a chance to get on or not

THey are both being rude re your invite

SOmetimes you have to bite the bullet and do things like this for the sake of the children rather than your own entertainment.

Its fine for them to go to her family as SHE is comfortable - your son does need to speak up

At the moment they are using you for childcare and thats about it

No more free childcare until they start being a bit more interactive.
I fully intend to do exactly as you are to make my children’s lives easier as they expand their families but it’s not unconditional. I’m not there only to do all the grunt work.

I was totally on your team, until I read “under the thumb”.

It has me wondering if you’ve voiced opinions like this - and it’s caused them to distance themselves?

However, they are very rude not to respond to your message.

Really sorry to hear your feeling this way OP, from your point of view it sounds and must feel pretty disheartening. I get the feeling that this had a very different pov from your DIL and son side though that's worth speaking about before more hurt feelings on both sides.

Was the message sent to both your DS & DIL? If so i suspect they don't want to go and DIL has been the one left to respond as DS hasn't got the balls to say no to YOU.

When did all this start? Was it possibly when GC was born?
Could it be that your DIL is fully aware of your thoughts know her, there has been issues before that your son hasn't brought up with you to fix. DIL is probably sick fed up having to respond on thier behalf when her husband won't, imo she isn't the one being rude it's your son who should have responded. Even to say 'thanks, but no thanks mum'. From experience ( and many others here) we are the ones having to remind DP/DH to respond to his family.

Also seeing GC weekly is lovely but how did that come about? Was it suggested from you or them? Either way they are making sure you see GC but DIL is pulling back, but your DS is the one who isn't arsed about having contact. That can't be blamed on DIL its just easier than facing the fact its him who is at fault for not being upfront with you, hiding behind his wife is so much easier for him than telling you no. There will be a reason for that.

Honestly if you feel that looking after your grandchild is 'grunt work' then you need to make your feelings heard! But people who then want 'pay back' with holidays that their own children clearly don't want - well, that's just a bit grim isn't it?! I wouldn't want my children to feel obligated to spend time with me if they didn't want to!

Don't blame your your DiL You're not her parent and your son has agency
I suspect it shows that you don't like her so she gravitates to her own family.
You need to take a step back
I have a " DiL" though they're not married as yet.
They are going to her DPs for Christmas this year but I know I'll see them at some point and I'm never pushy

She’s looking after her granddaughter for one day a week.
If she stops providing that care, the child will go to nursery/someone else that day and the only one who will lose out is the OP. She’ll lose time with her granddaughter and it definitely won’t improve the relationship with her son and DIL. Yes, the child will eventually go to school but that’s years away.

I dont get the ‘using you for childcare’ comments
dont you want to see your dgc?
i dont need the childcare, if mil was watching dc it would be for her benefit, and so she could have a relationship with them without me having to see her much. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here but crazy that everyone assumes it’s them doing the favour. I’d definitely rather put dc in a nursery or with another family member if the person caring for them felt like it was grunt work that I owed them for. At least with a nursery we’re all clear on the exchange.

I wouldn't want to go away with my parents or my ILs-neither would my husband.

If push came to shove he'd choose my parents!

Op realistically, how many holidays/days out/meals did you do with your son before he married?

They're adults. They can choose not to go on holiday with you and spend every second with DIL's parents if they wish. You're also an adult. You can choose to decline childcare provision if you wish. Also, if you're describing son as 'under the thumb' and her as bossy then chances are she realises that you don't really like her. I'm not sure I'd want to waste a precious weekend with you either tbh but nor would I be wasting my time messaging you when your own son can't be bothered to. It's surely his responsibility to maintain a relationship with his side of the family. DIL doesn't even have to be a factor in that. He could surely take child for a weekend with you without DIL if nothing else? Tbh it's posts like this make me glad that my in-laws can't be arsed with me or my child or their son. It used to upset me but now I'm just thankful for a peaceful life....

This. My MIL is your DIL in my life, I've tried to include her in a million things & get flaky up and down bullshit in response. I'm done trying now and MIL has now seen her arse because I'm apparently being funny with her.

The crux of the issue in a lot of these cases is that it's very rare for MIL/DIL to truly get on. There's a lot of power psychology at play, even if it's mega subconscious and hidden. Your son is being flaky too because he's in the middle and literally can't do anything right in this dynamic. You'd be doing everyone a favour including yourself if you stopped pushing - especially pushing for a holiday together because I'd put money on it that if you did actually go away together, things would get a lot worse either while you were there, or on your return. Holidays with even your most beloved truly are a test.

I wonder why your son is so lacking in initiative and unable to stand up for himself. Perhaps one or both of his parents were overbearing helicopters.

I messaged this and as usual got no response.

After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.

Historically this is very familiar.

In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come.

It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.

Is it that you cant see it - or won't accept it?

You need to read between the lines here and adapt before you do permanent damage to your relationships.

Some might see you as pestering and that they are holding right back and not wanting to be rude directly.

I would accept and adapt that they currently dont want to spend these times with you. Thats 100% their perogative. Stop begging and pestering. Step right back and try a new approach. Cherish the opportunity you have with your DGD. They value enough to entrust her in to your care - so take that as a win.

Give them some space and distance and start afresh in a year or so. This will show that you are respecting their boundaries. Start small - something focused on DGD - maybe a short activity locally - maybe your DS might just go.

Accept and adapt is the way to refresh and redirect relationships that are unsettling.

They don't want to socialise with you. It's hurtful. But stop trying. She sounds horrible, rude and selfish. I don't think I'd be available for regular childcare if I was treated like this.

or....your son doesn't want to and is using his wife as an excuse

Yes, I'd suggest to the OP that she only threatens to stop the childcare if she's fed up doing it.

My parents/PIL live too far away from us to provide regular childcare but if they had been able to, I would have expected them to be committed and reliable since it was our jobs on the line. One indication that the childcare was contingent on us "toeing the line" and DC would have been in nursery for an extra day asap and grandparents told politely "thank you but we don't want to burden you too much".

I agree. My husband and I put each other first and are 100% open with each other. What do you want - secret conversation with your son?

You sound a bit like my own MIL. We went on holiday with them last summer and it was awful.

You seem to be trying to pressure your DIL to agree to a family holiday with you... but did you ever consider they might just not want to??

Do you not understand how hurtful and painful this is likely to be for the op? Having spent so much time with dgc? Then to virtually never see her once she goes to preschool, which won’t be years away at all. Given they can’t even be bothered to reply to a text, they are VERY unlikely to persevere with aiding a future strong bond and relationship, leaving op feeling rejected and used. I have seen it happen on here often.

Op should only continue if she is benefitting from the time fully with her GC, and accepts the risk that her son true to form won’t facilitate anything that doesn’t directly suit him, and be prepared for that at school age.

A young child can not make her own arrangements with her granny, so op will be relying on the parents for a long time to have any kind of relationship with her GC. It’s very sad it’s come to this.

They don’t want to go away with you. I would hazard a guess that it’s because you don’t like his wife.

Work on improving your relationship with her before demanding holidays with them.

And I wouldn't be providing free childcare for folk who didnt want to spend any time with, me and treated me with contempt. Folk need to stop being doormats.

I don't know whether OP has said either but it sounds like DIL's family live quite a way away? Perhaps her family would love to provide practical childcare and see their grandchild/niece every week but can't due to distance. Perhaps this is why they do the trips to Dorset to facilitate a relationship. Perhaps also son and DIL have to use up their annual leave to do this and don't have much left to facilitate additional holidays with the parents they presumably already see regularly. I agree that if she enjoys getting that quality time with her gd that OP should tread carefully tbh.