Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

Since read your other posts and thought I would add to my list above:

I agree to a certain extent but if I push my son for an answer
Why would you push anyone for an answer? Interpret their actions not their words - they are crystal clear but you cant see this.

but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.
You dont. This is very manipulative and controlling behavior. You come to terms with this disapointment yourself not attempt to mire your family in guilt.

It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful.
Maybe they are bored with the repeated pestering of something they dont want to do. Maybe they are not grateful of you not getting the hint, being overbearing and railroading with your 'hurt and upset' behaviours.

The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean.
There is nothing to address. They dont want to do the things you repeatedly suggest/request. And yes you should feel guilty for making her feel guilty.

Have a close look at your own behaviours and do better. You are on thin ice IMHO.

People keep talking about the DIL going on holiday with her own family. But hold up, that’s not even what OP described. The DIL visiting her sister, in the sisters home town, and her own parents joining to make it a “family visit” isn’t quite the same as them all going on holiday together.

Yes, it may seem that way but only because they have to travel to see her sister.

Yes, it happens, but that doesn’t mean that the one on one time spent with her granddaughter, getting to watch her grow up, isn’t precious.

It’s always going to be a huge adjustment when children start school. It hits harder for grandparents who have done the bulk of the weekday childcare but I’m sure that the OP will still feel that loss when she no longer has her granddaughter for one day a week. Even if she had a great relationship with the child’s parents it would still mean seeing her granddaughter less. Hopefully she’ll be able to provide after school care for a day or two a week. Even if she can’t, it won’t take away the joy of the time she has had.

To lose that time with her granddaughter because she starts school will be sad but inevitable. To lose it because the child’s parents won’t go on holiday with her so she withdraws from providing childcare would be a self inflicted misery and would guarantee that the parents won’t be providing lots of opportunities for contact.

That is sensible advice. Stop bending over backwards for folk who can't be. bothered with you. It is no good for your self esteem.

When I see threads like this, I imagine the post from the other party, in this case DIL:

"Hi, got a bit of a problem with my MIL. She messaged to ask DH and me and DC to go away with her on holiday. But I really don't want to, because I don't get on with her. Whenever we meet my teeth are firmly gritted the whole time. DH is dithering and hasn't replied yet. AIBU to insist that DH says flat out to his DM 'Sorry Mum but DW thinks you are a total pain in the arse'? Or should he make up a story about the dates not being right, which will only lead to her asking again in a couple of months?"

When you get married, your loyalties have to be to your spouse over your parents, if a choice has to be made. But this can be incredibly difficult to communicate. So I absolutely don't blame DS for not responding here. He is probably hoping that OP will get the message after a while. Not everyone is ready to make the clear, direct statements that people on here often seem to think are easy to give in any given situation. And if DH did convey a "pain in the arse" message, how would OP react then?

They don't want to go on the weekend break.
You say you have invited them several times and they make excuses.
Take the hint and stop asking, it's not going to happen.

It sounds like you don't get on with your DIL and I'd be interested to hear her perspective on this.

I don't know why people have to keep making out the DIL dislikes the OP. This isn't necessarily the case at all. There are plenty of people I like that I wouldn't go away with. Those who say suck it up maybe don't appreciate that someone might be avoiding getting grumpy by spending too long together precisely because they like the person and don't want to spoil the relationship. People have different levels of wanting to talk or different interests and different ways they like spending time. At that age of grandchild the parents may just be blinking overtired and that can lead to feeling irritable or not having much bandwidth for small talk. Some of the replies on here might push the OP to increase her resentment which will lead to a far sadder situation.

What I don't understand is why the OP is jealous of the DIL's family with only two visits a year. This is not exactly excessive is it and surely important to keep relationships going. The DIL's family might be wistful that the OP gets so much contact and sees her grandchild all the time where they don't.

The thing that I think is worth bearing in mind is that making people feel guilty may seem like it initially yields results, but may ultimately make them pull away. It might even mean they avoid or delay answering things because they know they will immediately have to deal with someone making them feel guilty. If there is a way of taking guilt out the situation, that is the way to a more open and relaxed relationship and you may end up seeing more of them.

As usual your problem is your ds. It is up to your ds to decide how he sees his family units relationship with his parents and make it work.

You and your DIL are obviously not naturally kindred spirits, but it is your ds's responsibility to let her know if/what it is important to him or not. It is not up to your DIL responsibility to facilitate, promote a level of interest your ds doesn't appear particularly interested in.

As the mother of a son, it will break my heart too if we end up in the same situation with ds too - and I know it is possible regardless of what I do. Once they are independent adults there is little you can do other than respect their boundaries.

Your DIL doesn’t want to go away with you because she doesn’t like you. Maybe try talking to both your son and her to see if issues can be resolved?

It's convenient to your DIL to have a once a week free nannie but it's not convenient to put up with her MIL while on her time off. Her selfishness includes not even answering your emails because.... why would she bother?

You need to have a chat with your son, firm but polite because you're being taken advantage off.

All very good advice but somewhat one sided don't you think. How about the son and DIL stopped using granny for free childcare and at least had the common decency to say "thanks but no thanks" to a free holiday.

At least you get to see your grandchildren in the week.My relative was excluded from seeing her grandchildren.She hardly has a relationship with them.
She's a reallly lovely person.Okay what I'm saying is maybe keep it like it is and don't offer anymore with the holidays.
Speak to your son and see if you can get a better communication going, try and enjoy what you do have?
I'm not in your situation but might be one day.
Could you try and improve the daughterinlaw reationship as well?

Also one sided. OP hasn’t stated if the child care is needed or if the DIL is allowed Op to have the child once a week because she is desperately seeking that regular contact/bond.

There is also a huge difference between “I’d like to pay for a holiday for you” and “I am booking XYZ on ABC dates and I want us to all go together.” One is a gift, the other a summons. The DIL likely knows (given previous guilt trips mentioned) that offers like this come with conditions or expectations that mean it will not be a relaxing break at all. Sometimes “kind” offers like this are stressful and put people in very uncomfortable positions, especially when they feel like they can’t just come out and say no.

Sounds like my exH. He didn't like his parents that much and his non-response was perceived as me being controlling and preventing him from having a relationship with his own mother. Lol. One of the reasons I left him, fuck that toxic shit.

Agree with this. They sound selfish. I wouldn't bother asking them again.. or offering free child care for that matter.

This is a son issue on several levels. Yet the whole title is 'Daughter in law'. I think that tells us all we need to know.

I can guarantee that taking childcare away because you aren't getting your own way about something will not get you the result you want.

Honestly i love my mum and in-laws to bits but I wouldn't want to go away with either side.
Holidays and trips away are strictly for our immediate family.

If the DIL didn't ask her to babysit they'd say she was keeping the children away from her, she really can't win.

You might find that if you tried holding babysitting over their heads that they tell you they'll make other arrangements.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch totally agree. Why on earth mix up the childcare and the holiday - totally separate issues. I understand why the DIL might not want to go away with her MIL - she probably looks forward to having a break as a family with her husband and child - people have to work very hard and look forward to holidays to do what they want to do, not feel that they are having to do as others wish regardless of what might be promised initially.

I agree its stark and onesided - but I think bluntness might be helpful to the OP - it might prompt her to reflect and consider the impact of her behaviours on her family.

Quite possibly the DS/DIL have repeatedly in the past verbally decline invites which were then met with manipulative 'hurt and upset' reactions from the OP to induce guilt and they are now walking on eggshells around her, anxious about triggering volatility - or maybe its not like that at all. Thats up to the OP to objectively consider.

I thought an earlier poster was on to something when they asked around the timing of this gift - was it a Xmas gift which then upped the ante / manipulation and painted the couple into a corner.

I agree that the couple should play with a straight bat and respond with a definitive and timely 'No' and then be ready to immediately shut down any reactive follow on emotional nonsense from her. But in reality sadly they are doing this by their actions.

And yes they should thank and reward her for her childcare provision.

DIL 100% already knows OP will blame her/criticise whatever she does/doesn’t say AND whatever her DH does/doesn’t say.

It’s a very bleak position to be in and I wouldn’t be jumping at the chance to spend a weekend with anyone who considers my DP “hen pecked” or “under my thumb.” Disgusting misogynistic attitude quite frankly.

@theleafandnotthetree there has been no rudeness or falling out on any side. I love that my DH puts me and our children above his parents and siblings but didn’t expect it or give it any thought. MIL and FIL are now deceased, she was a professional opera singer, I used to wonder if DH had never really forgiven her for being absent so much due to her successful career. She was not a warm person. I got on well with her but we didn’t see much of her. My DIL is Japanese, I love her like a daughter, no children yet but I fully expect she will parent very differently to me for cultural reasons. I mind my own business but on the odd occasion our son has a little moan to us I take her side. I am just delighted he chose her tbh!

I wouldn't bother asking them again...

Agreed! Then everyone will be relieved. The OP needs to read the room.

It sounds like both your daughter in law and son prefer spending time with her family. This is completely their prerogative. It suits you to believe you son is ‘not allowed’ to go away with you. Grown adults can choose who they spend time with and both he and your daughter in law are doing this. You obviously have every right to your feelings about this and I can imagine it is hurtful when you see them on holidays with the other set of grandparents. It is though not their obligation to be ‘fair’ in how they spend their time. Myself and my husband spend every Christmas Day with my parents and siblings (my MIL often joins us). I know my MIL would love us to spend Christmas day with my husbands sibling and family. My husband and I do not really enjoy their company and particularly not on special occasions. I’m sure my in laws like to believe this is my decision. It’s not it’s a joint decision, after my husband and I decided it was more important to us that we enjoy the festive season than be ‘fair’. With kindness perhaps reflect on why it might be that your daughter in law (and son) don’t wish to go away with you and how you could change this.