Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

There's a lot here that other posters have already addressed, but have you considered the timing of your suggestion? It's a handful of days before Christmas and I personally would not have the headspace to give thought to something (non urgent) for next year right now. There's still so much going on at work, end of term events and planning & prep for Christmas itself.

It's a lovely gesture and obviously you want that acknowledgement now, but it may just not be a priority for them to consider what they'd need to to fully commit at the moment (I.e thinking about annual leave). I'd suggest checking in again after Christmas personally.

I'm also allowed an opinion and my opinion is what you wrote was garbage.

Maybe she has a terrible habit of never responding too? Why are you putting all the blame on her? Your son is your son and you should be upset with him, not her. You clearly don’t like her very much.

Always? See that would set off alarms with me. Every situation should be judged on its merits, not blanket 'I will support X person over Y set of people' regardless of circumstances. If you were extremely rude to a member of your husbands family, you'd expect him to automatically take your side in the fallout?

Your son is squeezed between two people he loves. Like a lot of men in this situation, he's run away from it, that's why he's not replying.

I think you’ve been given a hard time OP.

I also think that they don’t want to go away with you and don’t want to say it directly.

There are times when I make arrangements with my son. There are also times when I make arrangements with my DiL. Sometimes, with them both together. If I spoke to one and the other had already made plans, we’d discuss and change. Don’t people do this?

But he does need to check with her surely? I wouldn't be happy if my DH committed us to going away without at least some discussion first and vice versa.

OP are you are on your own? Do you have other children? Really you should try and form a better relationship with your DIL and not blame her. It might mean you are included more.

Sadly I have to agree this is your sons doing.

I have been married for 21 years - my husband is responsible for his side me my side. Mother’s Day/Christmas/birthdays etc If he forgets it’s not my fault (my MiL once went there one year after Mother’s Day and I reminded her she had brought up an independent son who is capable to sort this out)

My Mil would discuss something like this with my husband - we have a family calendar, he checks that picks a weekend double checks with me and it’s sorted.

Your DIL is probably frustrated that her husband can’t sort this out for himself - I know I would be if my MiL kept contacting through me- he’s a grownup.

It s

Concur. I struggle greatly with replying to things, even with my own very close friends. They know to be patient with me as it is a genuine struggle and they know how guilty it makes me feel. For some, it’s a running joke. I’m ASD and needing to engage socially in that way causes real anxiety and is exhausting. Trying to get the wording right because it could be taken the wrong way, intention not come through, etc. There’s an immediate demand with messages that just because you’ve received it, YOU are rude for not opening/replying. People used to have to be much more patient with letters…

I’ve put up with years of being called cold or heartless or dismissive whenever someone doesn’t get my attention straight away. All while watching men get the “oh they just aren’t as good at that sort of thing.”

Infuriating beyond belief. Your DIL will definitely know whatever she says will be taken in a negative tone. But if she doesn’t respond, it’s on her too. Your son does nothing either, is rude to his own mother, and he isn’t the problem. I feel for her.

In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.

They don’t want to go on holiday with you. They’ve made that clear by their actions over the years. You can either accept that and enjoy the fact that you spend one day a week looking after your granddaughter and building a good relationship with her or you can continue trying to push them into doing something you know they do want to do. It’s unlikely to end well.

My god they sound insufferable. I’d be over the moon if I had a MIL who offered to pay for a holiday with us. My DD’s GM on her fathers’ side couldn’t give two hoots about her.

Your son is the issue here. He is rude and ungrateful.
It seems they use you when it benefits them, and are not interested when you suggest doing anything else. It is a one sided transactional relationship, and must be deeply disappointing.

I would pause the childcare unless you can not bear not to, because I would find it hard not to eventually feel resentful. Or talk to your son ( don’t message) and suggest you take the little one for a weekend away and they can have a break? Develop your relationship with your grandchildren and consider leaving your son and his rude wife to it.

You are not going to have the kind of dynamic you hope for here, stop trying, drop the rope and work on other relationships that actually appreciate you.

Zero gratitude from them. Don’t let them treat you like a doormat, OP. You shouldn’t have to beg them to ‘allow’ you to pay for things that benefit them. Neither should you feel forced to pay for things just in order to see your grandchild/Son. Absolutely not, that’s appalling

This is 100% a son problem, as others have said.

I think it's very different going away with your in-laws than going away with your own family.

It might be worth suggesting that you take your husband and GC away, so his wife can get a break? That might be nicer for her.

Or they might not want to have a break with you - that's okay too!

I would pause the childcare unless you can not bear not to, because I would find it hard not to eventually feel resentful.

That would be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Why?

She is getting to do all the childcare and yet op is not able to enjoy ‘quality time’ outside of the grunt work. It seems grotesquely unfair, and clearly they are taking the piss.
As soon as the child goes to school op is unlikely to see her anyway sadly, as clearly they are just using the relationship to suit them, and when it no longer suits them they will drop op like a stone. They barely communicate with her as it is! It’s likely to cause op even greater pain in the future.

Op is being a doormat and should start protecting herself from these freeloaders. It’s disgusting they couldn’t even be bothered to reply. How humiliating!

Silly. This is the sort of remark that scares mum of little boys, while in the real world, people manage changing relationships without drama.

In my experience as mum to 3 grown up married sons, it’s also untrue. Not only am I close to my sons, I’m blessed with 3 amazing daughters in law, and get on with their parents too. Feels very normal.

It wouldn’t exist without some basis in fact.

I mean I understand that people want to show off about how it doesn’t apply to THEIR family, but it does make me laugh, the extent to which people don’t understand that old adages exist for a reason, and it’s a very very common dynamic?

Anything I say to him goes straight back to his wife.

They're married. They share stuff. It doesn't sound as though you enjoy one another's company.

I used to dread time spent with the ILs. We just didn't like each other.

From experience, I would suggest to the OP that, rather than being "hen-pecked", "squeezed" or under his wife's thumb, it is more probable that her son is just lazy.

It's interesting that you say when your mum and dad offered you holidays, you jumped at the chance.
That's exactly what your ds is doing - going on holiday with his wife's family.
Did you ever go with dh's family?
Was your dh close to his parents? Did you visit them?

Let your son, his baby and you take off for a break. No walking on egg shells, the wife will probably be delighted with a break from baby. Win Win.

To be blunt, they probably do not enjoy your company enough to want to spend the duration of a holiday with you.

If they did, they’d bite your arm off.

It might also be that by you paying (something which is of course very generous), they may feel (or indeed be made to feel by you - I don’t know you) that they owe you something in return.

You mentioned he’s ’under the thumb’. I think what you mean is he prioritises his wife and child ahead of you. Honestly, that’s how it should be.

I’d probably try to offer something less intense that you could do as a family, and focus on building a stronger relationship with them.