Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

@Carleajam I would also think about your timing, too - it’s right before Christmas, people are insanely busy trying to make a million decisions about things, your offer has essentially added another thing to discuss / think about / plan to their plate. During the Xmas period when everything is done is a better idea imo.

ha I meant that if she likes seeing her GC, it might get a bit nosey facey

Are you sure your DS is even telling your DIL? Majority of the time invites to the two of us don't even make it from my partner to reach me so people assume I've declined a lot when I had no idea!

Things are rarely 100%

We see the ILs regularly and they do babysit too.

Which is why it's nice to get some special time with my family on longer stays because they're not local.

Equal doesn't have to mean the same.

And for BOTH sides of the family, there has to be a bit of pushback so that my husband and I get a bit of family time with our son.

Oh, and even with the best relationships, all my antenatal friends share the opinion that managing their toddler around family is at best a kind of lovely chore, even if the family aren't aware of it and are trying their best to help. The little one is only 16m. Things will keep changing.

if they are both working and have a toddler, life will be busy

try not to be offended

rude of him not to answer texts though

if DIL is the organiser then think about meeting her/their needs rather than yours and how something nice if offered is more likely to be accepted if it can be easier for her rather than harder

Tbh going away in general probably creates more work for her and makes life harder when away

going to see her sister is tried and tested and means little one is seeing auntie and other grandparents (who prob feel they don’t see child as much as you) in familiar setting

you are fab for having little one weekly hopefully that’s a lot to you as well as a help to them which is perfect really!

you might do better saying would be lovely to spend a couple of hours with the whole family and take fish and chips over for lunch and clear up after

if your son is a bit hapless or even if not then your DIL who was the one polite enough to answer(!) might be quite understandably exhausted

even such a nice offer adds to her load

recognise this and don’t add to her load, let her know you see all she does and how well she is doing and thank her for answering your message and let her know the offer is open and if she wants to go ahead she can influence as much of the decisions as make it easier for her but there is no rush

all is well (and a fairly well worn path)

OP is getting a really hard time and most people are just projecting. I agree with a PP - the OP is hurt. Many of these responses telling her just to accept they don’t want to spend time with her. Will you do so graciously and without any emotion when your children grow up and decide the same? And her being honest about finding this hurtful and upsetting is not being manipulative.

And those making the argument that OP’s holidays when her children were young are not comparable as were with her parents not in laws are missing a point. She IS the parent to her son. Categorising her as “just” an inlaw because she is mother to the male half of the couple completely contradicts the point you think you are making.

You don't have a DIL issue, you have a son issue.

My husband offered a holiday in a beautiful villa in Portugal in an area they love to son DIL and children all expenses paid, they love surfing. They dodged it but took her mother to center parcs for four days.

It is what it is. 🤷‍♀️

I always find these kind of threads really sad, it just seems like it’s ok to treat your mother in law, and mother like shit. Your obviously good enough to look after their child once a week so have no issue with you but to show gratitude in the form of a text back is too much. I always try and be a good daughter in law, but I have a good mother in law, she’s great with child care, thoughtful and a lovely grandmother to my children, why wouldn’t i want to be nice to her? My sister in law sounds like your daughter in law. Just rude, and my brother sounds like your son, thoughtless. I wouldn’t want to go away with my mother in law, or my own parents for that matter but a text back to say maybe not this time but a day out would be fine absolutely doesn’t hurt anyone

I do:

"DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak."

I dont think those are very respectful opinions to have or healthy behaviours to exhibit with family.

But I think OP is hurt as well.

OP is getting a really hard time and most people are just projecting. I agree with a PP - the OP is hurt.

No one is suggesting that she hasn't a right to be hurt. What is wrong is assuming this is all on the DIL whilst her son gets away scot-free.

I know many mothers don't want to believe their sons don't want to spend their leisure time with them but it's true in many cases. If I didn't chivvy dh along to ring his dm/invite them to things we'd never see them at all. I buy all their presents for Christmas birthdays etc and invite them to family gatherings. But I know that il be the one blamed if there's something they're not invited to or somethings gets forgotten. Dh wants a quiet Christmas just us and the dcs this year but instead of telling them that he's said nothing at all and I know it'll be me getting bitched about!

They don't want to go on holiday with you. You sound like you don't like her and she can obviously sense that. So they're keeping their distance. Talking about people being 'under the thumb'. 'shes the boss'. You sound pretty sexist coming out with stuff like that.
As if someone needs to be a 'boss'. Presumably you'd rather it was you.

I agree. It seems that communication has broken down.

You need to stop asking them to do things like this. Really, please just stop. What you think might be "nice" as a family is not in line with what they think is nice as a family. You have to let go, you keep saying there's an "issue" but really it's just that they are doing life the way they want and it doesn't tally with what you want. That's tough.

Give it a rest. She said she’s busy and will get back to you. They would need to discuss it, probably need to ask work to take leave etc.
you seem quite demanding

That's definitely not true.

The OP is hurt. My husband was hurt when his offer was ignored in favour of them taking her mum on holiday and paying for her was pasted all over Instagram. We weren't informed in advance just had to smile and like all the pictures.

I suspect my son was embarrassed but what's the point in calling him out on it. He doesn't make the holiday decisions.

You'll have to just put up with being used as the " saving nursery fees " Granny.

Accept it and move on with your life.

For what ever reason they don't want to be in your company.

I wouldn't really have any interest in going away with my in-laws. I have limited annual leave so wouldn't want to spend it with them. They are fine but they are not my friends and we are not close. But it's not a reflection on them, we are just in very different phases of life and are only in each others lives because of having dh in common. That's not enough to go away on holiday with them, using scarce annual leave. I don't mean that in a hurtful way at all. Also, I think it's a son thing. My brothers seem to spend a lot of time with their in-laws, I suspect its because their wives arrange that, not som deep seated desire to spend time there (but I can see how it might feel hurtful...honestly, I don't think there's anything to it).

Stop blaming your DiL and making excuses for your son!

My husband didn't feel like he needed to check in with me for anything. He'd make plans with his parents and then expect me to pack up everything for a week's stay, we'd go to all his family reunions and never went to a single one of mine, also.

It's one of the reasons I divorced him. Of course your son makes plans with his wife and tells her things. Why would he not?

It's great that you have a good MIL. However, I think many people are a bit disillusioned. We live in a society in which we are now expected to work much harder. On the whole, mums can't maintain a reasonable standard of living without working full time. We're up to our eyeballs in ridiculously high mortage prices, ridiculously high costs of living, ridiculously high childcare rates and having to juggle this with being a decent parent and giving our children the attention and childhood that they deserve. I would argue that parents are under a significant amount more strain than previous generations. In addition to this we're waking up and realising that it isn't the bloody 1950s any more. Women are not obligated to constantly people-please and on top of the afforementioned stressors they don't have the mental reserve to do this even if they want to. It is not a woman's job to placate their partner's family and they don't have to put up with anyone being a dick to them even their family. I really don't think this is about kindness or empathy, it's about self-preservation and self-respect.

Possibly because their a team and make decisions together. Stop putting the blame on your DIL, speak to your son.

In your daughter in law’s shoes, why would she want to spend time with someone who so clearly resents her and blames her for a grown man’s disinterest in making an effort.

As adults we are not entitled to anyone’s time, even if we gave birth to them. People spend time with those they enjoy being with. They will generally avoid spending time with people who dislike them or try to guilt them into being with them.

Spending time with people out of obligation is no fun for anyone. Be someone your daughter in law would enjoy going on a break with and hold your son responsible for his own lack of action.