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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Daughter in law issue

447 replies

Carleajam · 19/12/2024 09:00

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

OP posts:

ginasevern · 19/12/2024 14:07

bouncydog · 19/12/2024 13:57

@aperolspritzbasicbitch totally agree. Why on earth mix up the childcare and the holiday - totally separate issues. I understand why the DIL might not want to go away with her MIL - she probably looks forward to having a break as a family with her husband and child - people have to work very hard and look forward to holidays to do what they want to do, not feel that they are having to do as others wish regardless of what might be promised initially.

Because if they are asking granny for free childcare (which seems to be the norm these days) then they have compromised themselves. You really can't ask big favours of other people without giving a little in return. That's not how life works and it never, ever has been. If you want complete independence from family/friends/colleagues, you have to make sure the sheet is clean. So the two things are by default intertwined. Secondly, the MIL is only suggesting a weekend away, all paid for, not their main fortnight's holiday.

TENSsion · 19/12/2024 14:09

penelopelondon · 19/12/2024 13:41

It's convenient to your DIL to have a once a week free nannie but it's not convenient to put up with her MIL while on her time off. Her selfishness includes not even answering your emails because.... why would she bother?

You need to have a chat with your son, firm but polite because you're being taken advantage off.

Edited

It Depends on whether she sees looking after her granddaughter as a favour to her DIL (but not son) rather than as an opportunity to see her granddaughter every week and build a relationship with her.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 19/12/2024 14:11

@ginasevern as I mentioned above, my MIL withdrew childcare during the summer holidays because I didn't want to spend one of my weekends in the way that she wanted me to.
The result? A message from me saying 'no worries, let me know if anything else crops up' and me being determined not to be held at ransom.
She is perfectly welcome to not have my children during the school holidays, it won't hurt me in any way, shape or form.
She will miss out on that time with her grandchildren though, and vice versa.

NornIsland · 19/12/2024 14:11

MissDoubleU · 19/12/2024 13:48

Also one sided. OP hasn’t stated if the child care is needed or if the DIL is allowed Op to have the child once a week because she is desperately seeking that regular contact/bond.

There is also a huge difference between “I’d like to pay for a holiday for you” and “I am booking XYZ on ABC dates and I want us to all go together.” One is a gift, the other a summons. The DIL likely knows (given previous guilt trips mentioned) that offers like this come with conditions or expectations that mean it will not be a relaxing break at all. Sometimes “kind” offers like this are stressful and put people in very uncomfortable positions, especially when they feel like they can’t just come out and say no.

Show quote history

One is a gift, the other a summons.

Agree with you - reminded of a famous quote:

“A real gift comes attached with ribbons, not strings.”

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 14:11

NZDreaming · 19/12/2024 10:21

@Carleajam you've made the offer, if your son hasn’t replied then I’d take the hint and presume it’s a no unless you hear otherwise. The fact you know there have been previous instances of you making your DIL feel guilty would imply that you are very open about your disappointment in these situations.

I love my MIL, she’s laid back and very easy going, happy to see us whenever, have been on multiple holidays together because there is no pressure. My DM however has a habit of always wanting to make plans, making us feel guilty if we’ve not seen them recently, incessantly asking us to stay and ultimately it puts so much pressure on the situation it makes me and DH feel obligated to do things rather than actually wanting to. its worse since she’s retired as she seems to have completely forgotten that time off is precious and weekends are short. It’s more enjoyable spending time with family who don’t put pressure on things.

It’s great you want to spend time with your family but you need to temper your expectations and not lay blame at the feet of your DIL. Your son is capable of making decisions and speaking to you, hopefully they make choices as a family so it’s not her hen pecking, just a decision they’ve made together. You need to accept that and stop trying to imply your DIL is dictating when it’s more likely your don agrees with her but doesn’t have the courage to be upfront with you about it.

Sorry, but I think it's equally or more likely that DIL IS dictating. IMO women usually insist on making the 'social' decisions.
The son can't stand up for himself because his wife probably makes all the social decisions, not just about her MIL.
I think OP sounds delightful and well-meaning. How kind to give up one day a week to look after her grandchild, without charging, I imagine.
I think she's hard done by, and the people saying 'probably they don't want to be with you' are being purposefully mean and hurtful.
Perhaps DIL is also mean spirited? Regardless of what they 'want' the issue here is about manners and kindness.

Birdscratch · 19/12/2024 14:12

To all those saying that the OP should stop providing free childcare, what do you think that will achieve? What benefits will that bring for the OP?

dayswithaY · 19/12/2024 14:13

I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance

That’s your Mum and Dad though. Your DIL will feel differently about this.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 19/12/2024 14:15

Carleajam · 19/12/2024 10:31

I did give him a call today. He works long shifts and I can't always keep ringing him...hopefully we can sort something out.

What do you mean you "can't always keep ringing him"?
Yes he may work long shifts, but that does not let him off communicating with his mother.

It appears that you have the rather old-fashioned view that it is up to the women to organise family life because the men work hard at their jobs.

I would suggest that after Christmas, you have a good talk with your son about how rude he is not to communicate properly with you and how hurt you are by him.

Then offer to take him and DGC on holiday (without DIL), or if he doesn't want to then offer to take DGC alone so both parents get a break together.

Don't try to force a relationship with DIL if it just isn't there. And don't use her as a means of contacting your son.

ginasevern · 19/12/2024 14:20

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 19/12/2024 14:11

And that's all perfectly fair, but if they are needing and expecting free childcare in order to work then they have to give a little in return whether they want to or not. That's life.

Bagofweasels · 19/12/2024 14:22

It sounds as though you don’t like her that’s probably why she doesn’t want to go on holiday with you!

AlexP24 · 19/12/2024 14:25

I would never ignore my mum in laws messages or calls - mind you I did adore her to be honest. I wouldn't have gone away with her or my father in law though, that would have been too much I think. You mention having happy memories of going away with your parents when the kids were young but it's different with your own mum and dad - they love you unconditionally and so you feel completely at ease with your own family. So I wouldn't be offering any more holidays - take the hint. They have a toddler and all the stress that can come with that - their down time and holiday time is really for them as a family unit. It does sound like they don't really appreciate you though, even though you look after their child once a week. They sound quite selfish I'm afraid. People who use the grandparents for childcare and don't spoil them rotten to say thank you usually are. It's a shame you don't get on, but what can we do? We can't make our kids fall in love with someone we don't take to, or who doesn't treat us well. I think if I were you I would actually back right off for a while. No more messages I think...

AlexP24 · 19/12/2024 14:25

dayswithaY · 19/12/2024 14:13

I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance

That’s your Mum and Dad though. Your DIL will feel differently about this.

Yes exactly, it's different with your own parents to be honest.

Birdscratch · 19/12/2024 14:26

needing and expecting free childcare in order to work

Lots of people are assuming that this is the case but the OP hasn’t said that. It might be that the parents would be fine paying for an extra day at nursery or that the DIL’s mother would be happy to have the child for another day.

wineoohh · 19/12/2024 14:29

I feel sorry for your DIL.

You blame her for their lack of response, yet it is your own son who has failed to respond.
You make assumptions about her character, which may well be untrue.
You make assumptions about their relationship, which may well be untrue.
In everything you have said, you speak negatively about her, but not about your son, but you do not know the true situation.
You also want to talk to your son (presumably about your DIL) behind her back, without it getting back to her! I suspect, as others have said, that she can sense how you feel about her.

You should not use your childcare as a bargaining tool. It will not end well (for you).
And you should not moan about the disparity between the time spent with DIL's family and time spent with you. That will not end well either (for you).

You need to take a step back, relax, and not be so pushy. Try to be kind to your DIL and be grateful that your son and her are a team.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 19/12/2024 14:30

Perhaps your daughter in law doesn't like you because you are blaming her for things which are your son's fault?

TopshopCropTop · 19/12/2024 14:31

You don’t like your DIL so she doesn’t want to go on holiday with you.

Your DS and DIL are happy for you to do childcare because it facilitates them both to work (people acting like this only serves the DIL are wrong) and probably because they also want you to have a relationship with DGC.

If you decide to stop doing childcare in account of them not going on holiday with you because you don’t like DIL, you will lose the relationship with your DGC. Only you can decide if that’s a price worth paying.

Or i dont know maybe you could put some effort in to repairing the relationship with DIL, who it appears you have issues with and blame for a lot of stuff that is your DS fault. Maybe then they might want to go on holiday with you.

wineoohh · 19/12/2024 14:33

I also think it is not wise to offer to take your son and your DGC away without your DIL. This may well confirm to your DIL that you do not like her, that you would rather not spend time with her and would prefer to have your son and DGC "to yourself".

I do not think that that will help matters at all!

Mooetenchante · 19/12/2024 14:37

Some ppl just don't like going away with their inlaws.

We've been away with my inlaws and have enjoyed it - as long as its a shortish break !. My SIL/ BIL would not go away with them tho..

And a friend has never been away with her parents or brother in the 20yrs plus since being with her current partner as he refuses. His feeling is that he only has so much annual leave and wants to spend it only with the immediate family.

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 14:48

Bagofweasels · 19/12/2024 14:22

It sounds as though you don’t like her that’s probably why she doesn’t want to go on holiday with you!

I don't see that in her post. I think she's hurt.

MillyVannily · 19/12/2024 14:48

As the bad DIl i have been labeled multiple times for keeping my husband away from his parents, I can say you have a son problem and not DIL problem. Don't blame the woman because you don't have a proper relationship with your son.

Ultimately, if they don't want to go on a trip with you, it's better not to go with them as opposed to going with them and they sulking all the time or having arguments and not enjoyable trip.

Fingeronthebutton · 19/12/2024 14:50

Mix56 · 19/12/2024 10:47

She doesnt want to go

It’s simple, isn’t it. 🤷‍♀️

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 19/12/2024 14:51

godmum56 · 19/12/2024 13:12

what will the OP do if they say ok?

Show quote history

Hunt me down?

Lemonadeand · 19/12/2024 14:51

My BIL and his wife are like that with my in-laws, exactly as you describe. They’re not going to change and any expression of hurt or offence is just going to push them away further. I’m sorry it’s hurtful but that’s just the way it is. I must say I get fed up with my in laws always blaming BIL’s wife as well. They’re a team and he is as much to blame for the behaviour as she is.

Foreigners88 · 19/12/2024 14:51

She feels comfortable with her own parents. That is a normal DIL - MIL behaviour.
why you are excusing your son he is terrible with messages but then saying he is under the thumb.

if your DIL liked you and was comfortable spending time with you, she would be doing that

Mrswhatsit40 · 19/12/2024 14:51

Maybe it's your ds who doesn't want to go?

I'm pretty sure il be getting the blame for the fact we haven't invited the IL's for Christmas Day this year, yet it's dh who doesn't want them here.

Ive also been blamed in the past (by MIL) for not sending wedding cards to HIS cousins etc! Apparently it's the "woman's job".

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