University issues - daughter wants to leave

[vintage2403]

Hi all
I apologise in advance as this is quite a long post. My 20 year old daughter is in her second year of a teacher training degree at a uni about 2 hours from home. She’s doing so well on the course, she’s always been very diligent and conscientious in her approach to course work. That isn’t where the issue lies.
She took a gap year before starting the course, this was against the advice of her dad (ex-husband) and step-dad, who tend to agree on all child related issues. She used the year to travel round Europe and also to volunteer in 2 schools, I thought it was a great experience for her
She started her degree in 2023 and the first year was awful really. She was so homesick, constantly in tears and wanting to come home. I did what I thought was right and persuaded her to do the first few weeks of term without coming back. I visited her instead and friends went to see her. We spoke every day on FaceTime and she came back for reading week and the usual holidays. She completed the year and got great results on the course
Unfortunately she was let down on her house share but she was very mature about it and found a house online, met the housemates and we paid the flipping huge deposit and the cost of the room. She has made some friends, but a lot come home at weekends or have boyfriends, so I think she feels a bit lonely. She has joined the gym and will go by herself, so she is trying.
But, the bottom line is that she just doesn’t want to be there, every time she comes home she’s distraught that she has to go back. My ex (who I get on very well with) and my current husband don’t really see any issue, and think she needs to stay, but I worry constantly about her. None of my friends with kids at uni seem to have the same problems, their kids seem to love it and can’t wait to get back. I’m so sad for her that she’s just not enjoying the experience or getting much out of it
My question is; do I make her stay, which she would do, as she never likes to rock the boat, or do we’ll call it quits after this year. She can transfer to our local uni and complete the last two years and live at home. It’s not ideal, but the thought of two more years is pretty dire. I haven’t suggested this as I’d need to discuss it with her dad, but I’m not sure what else to do, I can’t bear to see her feeling sad whenever she’s away.
I’d love to hear from anyone who has any similar experiences and and suggestions about how to handle it.

I’d encourage her to transfer to the local uni. She’s clearly not happy and needs family support, and you’re able to provide it.

The uni ‘experience’ has changed. It’s half digital anyway now, usually involves running a part time job too, and can be bloody awful. Making friends is difficult if you’re not outgoing. It’s not working for her despite her trying.

Why would it not be ideal for her to transfer to your local uni? I think that sounds like the perfect solution, she carries on her studies and is happy at home.
Alternatively what are transport links like from her current uni to you? Would it be a big problem for her to come home every weekend, couple of hours on the train Friday afternoon, back Sunday afternoon? Or even every 2nd weekend?
I understand her feelings, moved away from home at 17 for a job. Not uni so was very isolating for someone on their own, just short of a 2 hour drive from home, I came home every weekend and only stuck it out for 1 year

Sounds sensible to move and will save money on accommodation.
Especially if she will not have to repeat any assessments and will get the degree at the same time.
There is no value in enduring misery if there is another option.
She sounds like she is in prison having to do time.
Life is too short for such nonsense even for a young person.
I am old and I know.
What I most regret is needless suffering.

I don't understand why you feel this is your decision. She's an adult. Just let her know that whatever she decides is ok and that you will support her. Has she though about what she will do for work if she doesn't complete her degree?

I'd probably encourage more joining uni groups - but if that not worked then talk it though with your husband check her living at home last two years is okay with him - and then if so suggest it.

Ultimately it is up to her - she needs to come away with the qualification main reason why she is there - if that's more likely if she transfer then great if not then she need to stick it out.

My eldest made friends fast - but most were medical students then foreign exchange students and she ended up in entire block by herself at end of the year. She gets on with her course mates - small course - but they have other social circles as well. She in a private hall this year second year but again not really meeting new people - she did try for one society but didn't seem to click and worked out expensive I suggested another and found on-line info and to my surprise she went along and its been great they do midweek evening and a weekend met up and she' loving it met loads of new people and seems happier.

I think that she's given it a fair go and not given up at the first hurdle.

I would go for the transferring to a local uni.

I had a job once where I cried every day before going in. I didn't know anyone, the place was huge. It just wasn't right for me. My Dad said to me "Just leave. I will support you. No job is worth crying over" I handed my notice in and they offered me to work at another place that I liked. No regrets.

If she's crying that much and dreading going back, it's not right for her.

I stayed local because I didn't feel confident enough to move away. But, I moved into halls on friends advice so I still got the Uni experience. The best of both worlds, the comfort of my family being nearby but having the Uni experience.

Definitely encourage her to explore transferring to the local uni to complete her studies - and support her if she decides that's the way to go. It takes courage to make a decision like this, and better for her to be focusing on her course rather than being unhappy living away.
If the deposit/cost of accommodation is an issue, maybe you could come up with a repayment plan once she's earning (even if you then save the money for her, it might help ease any feelings of guilt she's feeling.)
Close friends have a similar situation to yours and are looking at a similar solution.

I think I would say to her that if she would like to transfer and live at home, that you're happy to support that.

I retrained in midlife and met a couple of young women who were doing fine at their studies but absolutely hated living away from home. My partner's daughter felt the same. All ended up commuting from home, completed their degrees with good results abd have gone on to normal adult lives, moving out when the time came without any issues. It really opened my eyes to the fact that there's no givens in life. If you want to study but hate the uni life, there are other good options. She sounds a fab girl and I hope she carries on doing well.

Thank you for that, I’ve been going back and forwards over it in my mind endlessly!

I had a job once where I cried every day before going in.

My first "proper" job was awful - mainly down to poor management because I was in debt taking job and was living independently had to wait till min period I thought could get away there then job hunt before I could leave.

Knowing I had a plan to move on helped me cope with those long months waiting.

This^

You should be free to make suggestions to your DD w/o having to discuss it with her dad first. She is an adult, this means you can give your advice, he can give his but the decision is wholly hers.

I think she should transfer to the local uni. I also think, when she is living at home you should really encourage her to socialise and create a bit of independence - she'll get out what she puts in, so don't just see it as giving up on Uni, but rather a fresh start.

It must be surprising that she coped so well on a gap year but not at university, so you definitely did the right thing convincing her to give it a shot.

There's no good answer as a parent, if you are there as a fall back constantly (either calling all the time or her coming home all the time) she isn't pushed to fully embrace her new life. However, it could also have gone wrong and she have felt more isolated. I would park the idea that you or either dad are completely right or wrong - you have both done what you thought best at the time. Now it is up to her, you have made the suggestion of local uni, see what she decides.

If it's teacher training, you might need to unpack a bit more about what the main factors are that are making her so miserable. There's a mini worry from what you have written, that it could have elements both of location (and housemates not being close, falling away at weekends etc), and tuition?

I don't have lots of experience of teacher training degree structures, but a lot of them do include several placements that don't necessarily end up being hugely close to either the university location or other places, schools, or people the students know already - so there's potentially a commute to factor in as well as having to be comfortable with completely new setups. If that is the case, and she is struggling even with the time spent away from her home town, have an honest discussion about that as soon as you can.

Thank you, you’ve put my thoughts into words! That’s so helpful, really appreciate your reply

Lots of people study at home - over 30% I think. It’s normal, cheaper and certainly not a failure. Say you’ll support her whatever and let her decide

Just remember if she leaves now she will likely have to pay for the rest of the year's rent. Potentially with no further student payments for the remainder of the academic year.

If she can finish the academic year (not sure whether you meant this or until December) that would be better.

Yes. It’s her decision, OP. I can’t believe you said ‘Do I make her stay?’ and add that she would if you said so, because she ‘doesn’t like to rock the boat’! She’s 20, and you’re talking as though she were about eight and wanting to leave gymnastics when you just paid for the leotard and the term’s classes.

Gently, are you normally this heavily involved in her life, and if so, is this part of the homesickness problem?

Y did u encourage her to stay in first year when she wasn’t happy, a more sensible response would have been to suggest she went to a uni she could commute to.
what an awful situation for her to be in.

I think transferring like this is a slippery slope - people need to learn they can make the most of things and tolerate less than ideal circumstances. I know someone through a local group whose daughter came home every weekend from university with the encouragement of her mother, who is very anxious. Surprise, surprise, the daughter ended up dropping out. God knows what will happen when she starts work and goes through a tough patch.

There's a lot of "we" in your post as though what she does is a joint decision, not hers. It sounds like her father and stepfather believe they have a say too. Is it possible she's carrying on because she feels she has to do as you all expect of her? The idea that you think you could "make her stay" horrifies me.
She needs to decide what she really wants and believes is best for her. You're there to listen, give your opinion, and advise if she wants you to. She makes her decision, and if you think it was a bad one, you stand by to support her if it goes pear shaped.

Also if you haven't suggested it I'm assuming she hasn't brought it up? Do any of you know if she can transfer? Not all universities will accept transfers and it depends if the 2 courses map across to each other or not and that will depend on different modules at the different universities and when in the programme they're taught..

Is the local uni comparable in standard to the one she's at? If so, I'd definitely suggest she transfers. It sounds like she's making an effort. I was determined to do the "right thing" in what I did between age 16-24 ish but in some ways I wish I'd just gone with what I wanted to do. It wouldn't have made me into someone who couldn't stick at things. Your DD is clearly resilient as she is sticking it out and had a full on gap year of travel and volunteering and also that her room fell through and she found another. I'd say now is the time to gently remind her it's her life and she can change things if she isn't happy.

If she needs to complete this year due to her room rental etc, could she get a PT job? If she could work in a bar or cafe or something, that might be a way to meet people and have something to fill up some time. Or join some hobby groups - running club, rick climbing, book club, something crafty?

At 20, the only input you have into this decision is whether you're happy that she moves back in full time.

Nothing else has anything to do with anyone! It's time for her to make her own decisions about her own life.

I agree with PP’s that you should support her in finding out about transferring to the uni close to home. Once she’s figured out how to do this, she’ll feel as if a weight has been taken off her shoulders and it’ll make getting through this year far easier. Even if she has to repeat some classes, it’ll be better in the long run.

A word of warning though based on the experiences of a friend. It’s important that your DD takes control of and responsibility for the situation (researching the transfer, ending her lease, etc.), with your backing, of course.

My friend organized everything when her DD (now 23) was in a similar situation and basically allowed her to bail out mid-year without taking her exams and breaking her lease. All it did was set a precedent for her DD to not consider the academic or financial implications of her decisions, and her parents have paid thousands for nothing.

She’s now done it a second time by deciding after two years at a different university that she wants to switch to another subject- so that’s more time and money down the drain!

I’m sure that your DD is more sensible, but I’ve definitely learnt from this and have told my DD (19) that if she’s not happy, we’ll come up with a sensible solution.

to add: if she does move back it needs to be as an adult: paying rent and doing her share of chores etc.