University issues - daughter wants to leave

[vintage2403]

Hi all
I apologise in advance as this is quite a long post. My 20 year old daughter is in her second year of a teacher training degree at a uni about 2 hours from home. She’s doing so well on the course, she’s always been very diligent and conscientious in her approach to course work. That isn’t where the issue lies.
She took a gap year before starting the course, this was against the advice of her dad (ex-husband) and step-dad, who tend to agree on all child related issues. She used the year to travel round Europe and also to volunteer in 2 schools, I thought it was a great experience for her
She started her degree in 2023 and the first year was awful really. She was so homesick, constantly in tears and wanting to come home. I did what I thought was right and persuaded her to do the first few weeks of term without coming back. I visited her instead and friends went to see her. We spoke every day on FaceTime and she came back for reading week and the usual holidays. She completed the year and got great results on the course
Unfortunately she was let down on her house share but she was very mature about it and found a house online, met the housemates and we paid the flipping huge deposit and the cost of the room. She has made some friends, but a lot come home at weekends or have boyfriends, so I think she feels a bit lonely. She has joined the gym and will go by herself, so she is trying.
But, the bottom line is that she just doesn’t want to be there, every time she comes home she’s distraught that she has to go back. My ex (who I get on very well with) and my current husband don’t really see any issue, and think she needs to stay, but I worry constantly about her. None of my friends with kids at uni seem to have the same problems, their kids seem to love it and can’t wait to get back. I’m so sad for her that she’s just not enjoying the experience or getting much out of it
My question is; do I make her stay, which she would do, as she never likes to rock the boat, or do we’ll call it quits after this year. She can transfer to our local uni and complete the last two years and live at home. It’s not ideal, but the thought of two more years is pretty dire. I haven’t suggested this as I’d need to discuss it with her dad, but I’m not sure what else to do, I can’t bear to see her feeling sad whenever she’s away.
I’d love to hear from anyone who has any similar experiences and and suggestions about how to handle it.

At age 20, this is her decision.
The main question which she will need to find the answer to is can she transfer? Does she want to? Is it the degree or the way it is taught or the living circumstances?
But before she does that, I would suggest that she speak to her advisor or personal tutor or whoever provides pastoral care at her current institution and see what support services are available in terms of counselling to have someoje neutral to talk to. That three adults in her life all seem to think that it is up to them is not the best way for her to make life decisions.

Yep. She’s a grown woman and doesn’t need to ask permission to leave university. I don’t understand why you’re talking of “making” her stay.

No one should spend their life being that unhappy. There’s absolutely no point to it. Her life will not be over if she quits her degree and goes to work in Tesco; anything is better than spending every day in tears.

I was thinking this ^ too @vintage2403

'Making her stay' 'Need to discuss it with her Dad' and other comments you have made are concerning to be honest. Yes, you are clearly worried about her, but it sounds like she hasn't yet been allowed or learned she can be independent and even the half way house of being away for Uni is too much for her to cope with?

I would ask her if she wants to transfer to the nearby Uni, tell her she is welcome to come home if she wants ( but what she wants, not what you and her Dad think she ought to be doing) and then start trying to treat her as a young adult, not as a child and help her to learn it's ok to do things without your 'permission'.

She needs to learn how to be independent , while still having the two of you to get her back if something goes wrong. Just my opinion of course. I'm not criticising you or her Dad at all - just time for you both to start to loosen the reins and teach her independence a little at a time. It can be hard for us parents to 'let go', while still being there for them.

What does your daughter want to do? Is she enjoying the course and can actually see herself being a teacher? If so the obvious thing would be to transfer closer to home.

I hated being away from home when I was at uni so I sympathise with your DD. It can feel quite isolating, especially if the course is intense with not much down time.

I agree with this. She is an adult, surely this is her decision to make not yours. It seems that this is probably what she would rather do but is staying where she is for fear of disappointing her 'dads'. Maybe she feels now she has moved out she has made her bed and now has to lie in it. Does she know she would be welcome back home if she wants to come back?

She needs to feel she is being supported and that whatever she decides is okay with you. I would tell her she can come home and transfer to the local uni and complete her studies there. She will still get her degree and she will be happy. I could not bear the thought of my DD being that unhappy either. Not when there is another solution available that would make her happier.

I encouraged her because she chose the uni and I knew that being homesick was a normal part of leaving home. I did what I thought was best, lots of young people take a while to settle in.

I'm not sure the constant support and calls have helped her stand on her own two feet tbh. I would pull back and wait for her decision. She is a grown woman, not a kid.

I think she should have known by end of first year if it was the uni and course for her.

If she is still distraught in her second year then I'm frankly a bit surprised she hasn't started looking at alternatives and sounding you out about moving back. Is it just the housing situation upsetting her or more?

She had a gap year - most people I know who took one seem more mature - but they way you talk of your 20 year old makes her sound much younger than my very young in school year late Aug 19 year old.

Let her know she can move back and suggest transfer nearby - but as everyone else says all you can do is suggest options - it is her choice.

@vintage2403 i think we are probably quite similar when it comes to parenting. I would have found it really difficult not to try and do my best to support her and I would have made sure I was available whenever she needed me to be (within reason) and I would have tried everything to try and fix it. For my kids this strategy has really worked out well and it has made them feel secure and they are both now very independent even though periodically they have needed more support than most I'd say and they know I will always be there for them, even as adults.

I think it would make the most sense for your DD to move back home and transfer to the local uni, if she still wants to go into teaching of course. Either way, there is no point in staying there and suffer. It sounds like her dad wants her to stick it out just because she made the decision to go, but nobody knows what it will be like until they have done it and they are very young when they make the decision.

Slightly similar here, OP. Our ds went to Uni 2020 which wasn't a great year to start for anyone really.

He should have been in a uni hall with 9 others (10 in all) but 7 gave up and went home in term one. All teaching went online. However, he seemed to get on great with the 2 remaining flatmates and great laughs had sneaking through to the girls' flat in the next block.

Then first year ended and the 3 of them were going to get a flat together but the other 2 decided to quit their courses too!

That left ds with no share so he got the last room in a private uni hall. The other 9 were girls and his room was next to the kitchen. Pretty soon, he had self diagnosed with social anxiety. The girls had boys back and it all got boisterous in the kichen with damage done. I think his room being next to the kitchen didnt help as he heard the big group laughing and joking and got too scared to go in.

One evening i called him and he sounded on the edge of a mental health crisis so we brought him home and he got some anti depressants from the gp.

He did another year in that hall but as the learning remained all online, it was very expensive and he wasn't happy there. He came home for his final year. He ditched the anti depressants and got a first class degree,

BUT he is fairly certain he has adhd. And i tend to agree. Not diagnosed but he wants to get a diagnosis. He doesn't think anti depressants helped at all and that all his problems stem from adhd. Maybe with some autism mixed in.

Had we left him there that final year, i really think he might have been a suicide risk. He split with his girlfriend and was low after that. The stress of the noisy kitchen and his anxiety might have pushed him over. He is in a good place now. But still at home. He is well though, in full time employment and i think he will go forward in life ok now.

Personally I'm of the view that babying nearly 20 somethings isn't a great idea- I would say it's her choice and I get that she isn't enjoying it and you will support whatever she does , but if she moves locally then it would be better for her socially to sort halls or a house share- . Sorry I'm quite hard on such things and I know others will not think remotely the same.

It's sad the uni experience has changed but so much has with technology. It's affecting the social interactions and development of friendships of so many kids, teens and young adults :(

I'm not sure making her do the first year miserable was the right choice, it is so important but at the cost of her wellbeing? It's difficult.

I think she has given it a good go and can't be faulted for her tenacity to endure something that makes her miserable and still do well for herself with her end of year results.

If she can take a pause somehow and continue her education September 2025, but at a uni close to home and whilst living at home too.

Or if she feels she has the resilience can she just transfer now to the uni close to home and continue as planned.

Poor girl, it sounds very sad and she has tried. I'm sure she is very disappointed and I think you should support her.

I think the priority should be her wellbeing first and foremost and then continue with her degree or whatever she wants to do. Difficult for you too but you need to advocate for her against your ex and current husband x

So she has travelled and worked abroad but now is homesick? To me that suggests the venue is the problem not her.

However having several friends who have travelled and worked abroad they have never been happy when they come home as they always have the "bug" to get back out travelling. Could that be it?

It's entirely her decision
Support her to make it

Let her transfer.

I had a miserable time at uni. I was at the other end of the country, broke, very few friends just utterly lonely. I wish I'd transferred to one close at home. I moved home for my post graduation course and was much happier.

Hi op. Sorry about the stress you and your dd are going through.

Could a compromise work here; that she comes back and finishes her training at your local uni but lives somewhere locally too? That way she has her independence but gets to pop back in and out of home and benefit from your support too?

I am not in favour of extended adolescence at home as it’s too easy to revert to parent-child roles. And I know that sounds harsh but sometimes surviving the struggle can be the making of you. I don’t think parents should be smoothing the path and making everything easier for adult children because they then don’t learn for next time.

So much of the benefit of living away from home is learning how to become self reliant, learning how to generate friendships, getting along with people you don’t like and who don’t see you as special as your parents do.

Counter to that is that the pandemic still has ongoing consequences and current students are developmentally a little behind. And so many courses have gone on line, life is not as socially fulfilling at uni as it was. And so much of their life is lived theoretically on line which makes coping with reality much harder. Your dd sounds like a grafter though so I am sure she will succeed whatever route she takes.

If she does come home, make sure you put boundaries in place about pulling her weight and doing the fair share of the cooking and cleaning. You are all adults sharing the same space now. Make sure she cooks for everyone once a week at least. And that she makes an effort to join local social events. So that when she leaves she is more equipped to deal with the isolation and stress of training placements.

Hope it works out for you all 💐

PS Those people saying that you should have no say in this: nonsense! Until she is totally financially independent, you still have a say!

Edited to say: btw there seems to be little to no stigma now about swapping uni courses as there was in my day. So many of my dds contemporaries have done it and one of my dds is contemplating it and transferring credits. As long as the end result is good; no one cares!

Of course it's her parents decision too! I expect they are at least partly funding her and may have to pay for her accommodation even if she moves home.

The OP's dd obviously has no issue with independence though as she spent a chunk of her gap year travelling.

It's so odd how people are always so desperate to pick the OP apart.

No, it's not the parents' decision whatsoever. They have chosen to pay for some things, that doesn't oblige her to be controlled unilaterally if she has changed her mind. She isn't a slave.

I don’t think there’s anything for her to learn here. She’s capable of travelling the world a bit, so it’s not that she’s rubbish at life or not trying.

The uni experience is supposed to be more than sitting in a room and studying. I’d definitely encourage her to switch uni’s, whatever that looks like.

Yes she’s “an adult now”, but she’s obviously reaching out for support from her parents as she doesn’t know what to do and that’s what parents are for at her age - guidance. You don’t switch to 18 and get the experienced brain we have at 40 or older installed instantly.

If she can transfer to her hometown uni, this seems like a no brainier to me.

@Dotto As long as she takes responsibility for the financial implications.

If she breaks her lease without finding a sub-tenant, they’ll have to pay; if she finds a sub-tenant or stays until the end of the year, they won’t.

This. She needs to speak to her head of year /course tutor / student support / GP where she is. For several reasons

1. they might be able to support her to make changes where she is and she might be happy to stay. Courses get judged on how many students drop out, so they should be very motivated.
2. she might have an undiagnosed medical condition . It doesn’t have to be clinical depression, lots of other things can have similar symptoms.
3. It that doesn’t work, she will need their support to transfer to another course. no one wants to import a problem into year 2 or 3, she will need advice and good references.
4. she needs to work out what will be fixed by moving courses and what won’t . Eg housing issues will be better but she might find it even harder to make friends. Although she would be moving back, lots of her friends from school will have moved on, it won’t be the same.

I suspect that both of you are clutching at this possible move as the solution when it might not help. I get that you are very worried and she is unhappy so of course you want her home - I'm not judging you, I’d feel the same.

But there’s obviously something else going on and I think you need to help her get to the bottom of this.

You say that she travelled round Europe on her own during her gap year so I assumed she was 18 and yet now at the age of 20 she’s sobbing when she has to leave her mum, for a few days . That’s a big red flag waving at you.

Please encourage her to reach out for support where she is . I mean now, this week. Don’t want to see how things are at Christmas. If she’s this distressed she needs some help now. Student counselling / advice / support could probably see her this week, if she phones and asks.

GP it will be next week but she needs to say she’s very down and crying all the time ( if that’s true ) etc.

BTW her year tutor ( or whoever is her support academic ) can speak to you if she sends them an email authorising this. At least then you could have a phone call and express your concerns.

None of these peole can fix things overnight . But it’s some positive steps in the right direction and it might make her feel a little less hopeless.

I've had two out of three DDs go through university now and had to support them financially as much as we could.

However, I couldn't disagree with you more. Parents are not the ones having to do the course or live away at the uni. They might well be paying for some things but you cannot force someone to do a course that they are not enjoying in a place where they are obviously unhappy.

OP, is it the course that is wrong for your DD as well as the uni she is currently at? Does she really want to be a teacher? Is she anxious about the placements and questioning whether or not this is really right for her?

Does she want to transfer to your local uni to continue her current course/start a new one? Nothing wrong with these options.

Does she want to leave uni completely and get a job (nothing wrong with that either).

You can't "make her stay" and you shouldn't try to, especially as she is so obviously distressed about it. What she does now should be entirely her decision but it does sound rather like she is being a people pleaser to her dad, her stepdad and you.

Talk to her without judgment and try to drill down into what the problems actually are. No trying to encourage her to stay, just be impartial at first, and understanding. Ask what she feels is wrong and what would help her most right now. Try not to allow dad and stepdad to dip their oar in at this stage. They are not helping and might be worrying her. Tell her that you will be there for her whatever she decides to do, whether dad and stepdad are in agreement or not. It's her life and her decision. They (and you) have to understand that.

That’s such an extreme perspective!

This decision impacts both parents and the adult child, so it’s a family decision.

No one is trying to control anyone unilaterally by the sound of it! People can come to mutual respectful joint decisions you know and, in loving families, often do. I suspect op’s family is very loving or else the dd wouldn’t be so anxious to return home!

Perhaps it’s not for her. Teaching is not anything like an experience as a volunteer or traveller when you’re not accountable really. I’d speak to her well being officer and see if she can get a certificate to account for the modules/placements covered. Her mental health is more important and she could look at using her skills and interest in a people related field, family support worker, early years, occupational therapy, physio, speech & language therapist etc. She could maybe not be cut out for teaching. If you’re in England it’s extremely difficult and very stressful so really maybe it’s better to look at it again when she’s older. In Scotland it’s a brilliant job but not for everyone. Hope she feels better soon, I’d get her home.