University issues - daughter wants to leave

[vintage2403]

Hi all
I apologise in advance as this is quite a long post. My 20 year old daughter is in her second year of a teacher training degree at a uni about 2 hours from home. She’s doing so well on the course, she’s always been very diligent and conscientious in her approach to course work. That isn’t where the issue lies.
She took a gap year before starting the course, this was against the advice of her dad (ex-husband) and step-dad, who tend to agree on all child related issues. She used the year to travel round Europe and also to volunteer in 2 schools, I thought it was a great experience for her
She started her degree in 2023 and the first year was awful really. She was so homesick, constantly in tears and wanting to come home. I did what I thought was right and persuaded her to do the first few weeks of term without coming back. I visited her instead and friends went to see her. We spoke every day on FaceTime and she came back for reading week and the usual holidays. She completed the year and got great results on the course
Unfortunately she was let down on her house share but she was very mature about it and found a house online, met the housemates and we paid the flipping huge deposit and the cost of the room. She has made some friends, but a lot come home at weekends or have boyfriends, so I think she feels a bit lonely. She has joined the gym and will go by herself, so she is trying.
But, the bottom line is that she just doesn’t want to be there, every time she comes home she’s distraught that she has to go back. My ex (who I get on very well with) and my current husband don’t really see any issue, and think she needs to stay, but I worry constantly about her. None of my friends with kids at uni seem to have the same problems, their kids seem to love it and can’t wait to get back. I’m so sad for her that she’s just not enjoying the experience or getting much out of it
My question is; do I make her stay, which she would do, as she never likes to rock the boat, or do we’ll call it quits after this year. She can transfer to our local uni and complete the last two years and live at home. It’s not ideal, but the thought of two more years is pretty dire. I haven’t suggested this as I’d need to discuss it with her dad, but I’m not sure what else to do, I can’t bear to see her feeling sad whenever she’s away.
I’d love to hear from anyone who has any similar experiences and and suggestions about how to handle it.

Because I don't believe it's the whole family's decision, I don't believe the whole family needs to be consulted. I certainly did not discuss leaving Uni with my siblings, I didn't want to discuss my fragile mental health with the whole family, what bloody business would it be of theirs? They didn't discuss moving jobs, moving house, living abroad with me and I didn't expect them to.
Parents think they have the right to express an opinion on whether a student continues or not because they've paid, you often hear parents say the same thing when they have paid for private schooling and then feel disappointed when their dcs don't achieve enough - poor kids. It's a gift to over-controlling parents.
I promised my kids we would provide them with financial support throughout their Uni Careers and I would not use the financial support to control them - because I believe that is wrong.

I think you may have misunderstood or misinterpreted my initial post. We are not forcing her to stay because of the financial implications, far from it. But adult children do need to understand the sacrifices a family makes for them to attend university, it’s not just the cost of accommodation. Unless of course that family is in a very privileged position. From the start we encouraged her, rightly or not, to stay, because most 18/19 year olds get homesick but perhaps need to try and work through it for a while and see if it gets better. In my daughter’s case it did for a while, but she took a huge step back after the very long summer break and I’m just trying to work out what to do to help her.
Whilst you wouldn’t want to discuss your mental health with your parents, a lot of children would, and do. I’m certainly not controlling my daughter by using the finances as a stick to beat her with but she knows that it’s a big commitment to us to support her through uni.
All of your responses to anyone questioning your comments have been quite angry and emotional, I think perhaps that’s something you may need to consider because the criticism you’re levelling at people who are just trying to helpful comes across as a little reactive and unkind.
It would appear that your children perhaps didn’t struggle at university, if that’s the case - lucky you!

Apologies for upsetting you I was concerned about your dd when you said she would stay if you told her to (even though she is miserable) - that's pretty extreme compliance. Kids don't want to let their parents down by dropping out.

100% transfer to local uni to complete her degree.

I went to Cardiff Uni when I was 19 and absolutely hated it. Nice enough Uni and flat/course mates but I was just so lonely and sad. It wasn’t the right fit. My MH wasn’t great before I went but I ended up developing anorexia and depression. One day my mum asked me how it was going and I broke down. Dropped out a few weeks later, moved back home and started a new degree at the local uni. Best decision I made and ended up with a first class degree.

Not sure that’s an apology. We shall have to agree to disagree on this one. My daughter isn’t an example of ‘extreme compliance’, but I imagine that you have formed a view of my parenting skills based on my post, and equally I have formed an opinion on yours, based on your responses - probably both quite wrong in many ways. That’s the issue with online commenting. Thanks for your input anyhow

Very similar story to mine. I just wasn’t ready to leave home.

I would encourage her to transfer to local uni. Why be miserable when you don't have to be?

If she's that miserable, transfer to the local Uni. You'd also be saving a fortune in rent as well.

I’m another one who was miserable at uni. Unfortunately my so called friendship group wasn’t great and when one of them met her husband I was basically pushed out. I spent most of my 3rd year just alone all the time.
It didn’t teach me to cope or grow up, I just became sad and introverted. I did not do great in my degree. Going home was not an option and things were worse there anyway.
I then did a masters at a different uni and was a totally different experience and I had a great time and the people were nicer and I did very well.

If DD was in a job she was totally miserable in and she had the chance of doing the same job somewhere else she would be happier it would be a no brainier.

I knew a few people who just dropped out of uni and never did anythjng again. I think if she can keep the momentum going of studying and doing well then take advantage. It’s just a pity this wasn’t decided at the end of the first year. My friends son is in year 2 and has no friends and does nothing, she pushed him to go because she thought he would have this amazing social life and friends. If he was at home he would have a social life and could have kept his job at least.

OP, I will honestly never understand this thinking that once you are a certain age, you should be doing this or that - whatever the issue/challenge. Or that as a parent you are only allowed to be invested or involved up to a certain age.

We all need support and guidance at different times in our life. Surely, that's what being a parent/family is all about? You sound like a lovely Mum, who knows her child better than anyone else.

It sounds as if your girl has given it a good crack and her location may not be right for her. Life is far too short to be miserable day in and day out when there is a sensible alternative.

I wish her the best of luck with whatever she decides

If she wants to transfer to the local uni, then let her do that. Absolutely no mileage in her being unhappy any longer. No need for that at all.

She has given a good go and it's just not working for her. She has really tried.

OP, I am an academic so I know my way round the system a bit. Get your daughter to find out the name of the course leader of the course she wants to transfer to. She should email them and explain her situation, and ask for a meeting to explore her options. If she has a good set of grades and good attendance it is possible (and I say POSSIBLE) that they could offer her a place earlier if they have spaces, perhaps as soon as the second semester if her modules broadly map onto theirs. No guarantees but it's worth a go if she is enthusiastic and motivated to make the move.

It’s great she tried it and that you encouraged her to stay for a bit. It’s good to give things a proper go, because it could have ended up that she liked it. But if she’s still not enjoying it then coming home sounds perfect.

You sound like a great mum.

Thank you for your advice, that’s so helpful. She’s back tonight so I’ll have a good chat with her over the weekend, probably on a dog walk, it’s always easier to talk on a good old romp through the fields! Thank again, I really appreciate it

I find it odd that she travelled for a year ok but then was homesick at university. I would have found volunteering and living overseas alone even temporarily more challenging at that age. It sounds like she just doesn't enjoy the university experience, perhaps it feels no longer relevant or too narrow after travelling. Perhaps she could travel and work teaching English? Or try being nearer to home, but it sounds like she enjoyed spreading her wings with travel.

Interestingly, my ds who developed a severe social anxiety in his uni hall (to the point where he could not leave his room) had no difficulty indepedently booking and going on a 3 flight journey to a far flung American state and spending 3 months working in America. He did that 2 years in a row.

And could also chat away to us fine. He did have an explanation for that which i won't go into here but it is interesting how different environments trigger different feelings that don't seem to make sense to others.

As i mentioned earlier, i think he would meet criteria for a diagnosis of both adhd and autism. He presents as more adhd but pop him in a social situation where there's no escape (uni hall) and not of his choosing (he had no control of who lived in that hall) and it triggered extreme anxiety.

Now he is out of that, he seems fine.

I left university after just over 1 term, so less than your daughter, but in a very similar situation. Doing well with the work but wasn't gelling socially, it wasn't what I'd expected at all in a number of ways and I felt really miserable. I was moping over Christmas about the idea of going back and my dad said to me, "you know, you don't have to go back." It was like a lightbulb. I'd honestly never thought of stopping. It was such a relief to hear those words. I stayed another few weeks while I researched what my alternative plan would be and as soon as I'd decided it was viable I left. So I think so long as your daughter has an alternative for how she continues with her studies, which it sounds like is important to her, then I would go for it. Sometimes it's just the luck of the draw and you end up in a situation at uni that isn't a match for you. Other people have had more luck. That's all it is. There's nothing to be gained here by making her miserable.

I agree with above

She's 20 and an adult? Why are you, your DH and ex telling her what to do all the time?

How is your DD now @vintage2403?

When I read this I totally resonated with it. My daughter didn’t have a great uni experience, she also went about 2 hours away from home.
in the beginning she made some friends but one of the girls liked a boy who liked my daughter, even though she had a boyfriend back home, resulting in her being excluded from their group. As she was very popular at school and had a large friendship group at home I thought she’d make other friends but didn’t and she didn’t gel with anyone in her halls either.
She tried to join a couple of groups but they were over subscribed. Her boyfriend at home also wanted her back home every weekend which didn’t help her integrate and she felt very lonely and isolated, I worried constantly about her.
After the first year I suggested she finish the course at the local uni back home and that no matter what she decided we wouldn’t be disappointed in her, however she got in to a shared house with some people on her course and also got a part time job which did help her, but she says looking back it wasn’t for her and she only went because everyone she new seemed to be off to uni. To her credit she did work hard and came out with a first.
i think whatever your daughter decides just listen and support her through it, she will find her way

Thank you everyone for your lovely responses, they have been really helpful. I haven’t updated for ages as it’s been an ongoing situation since I last posted and we were just navigating together, I really wanted to get it right. So….a few things have happened. Firstly, I got my shit together and actually asked her what she wanted to do, no pressure, just to be absolutely honest about it all. This was at reading week part way through the first semester. She was very confused, we chatted about all the options, staying leaving, moving back to local uni etc. She really didn’t know, so after a lot of talking she decided to carry on until she started teaching practice again and she knew that she would come home as often as she liked. This got us through until Christmas, then she came home for a month and back to her old part time job. I knew that going back after such a long break would be tricky, she wasted no time in telling me she didn’t want to go, but it felt a bit of a half-hearted complaint so I just listened, took her back and dropped her and all her gear. And honestly, since then there’s been a real shift. Her dad goes over to see her some weekends if she’s feeling a bit low but those times are becoming less frequent. She came home for half term and she was very different. She’s been in teaching practice, which she really enjoys, she genuinely loves children, always has, so she finds it hard work but rewarding, and she’s full of stories when I speak to her. She’s got some lovely friends, her social life has improved. She’s super organised, batch cooks for lunches etc and is getting really good grades which spurs her on. When I collected her for half term I asked the dreaded question about next year and she actually said she’s ‘probably’ going back! I did a little cheer but was told to rein it in! So, at the minute things are much better, I’m not naive, I know things may change, but I’m choosing to be optimistic. She makes me incredibly proud, she really pulled it back by being resilient and ploughing on when I absolutely thought she wouldn’t. Oh, it also helped that she did a teaching practice stint in a school for children with special educational needs and she loved it, so we binge watched the BBC show about the school in Wales, it was fabulous! Sorry for such a long post, but thank you so much to the kindly souls out there who didn’t judge, just offered some help, you’re super!! Xx

I know the school in Wales you're talking about as I watched the programme too. What a fabulous place to do a teaching practise.

I'm so glad your dd is more settled and doing well.

That sounds really great op.
You sound like wonderful parents, all supporting your darling daughter.
And she is thriving.
Well done and fingers crossed it continues.

I am glad to hear your DD is settling. My son is really not enjoying uni and it is affecting his MH. It is really difficult to know how best to support him.