University issues - daughter wants to leave

[vintage2403]

Hi all
I apologise in advance as this is quite a long post. My 20 year old daughter is in her second year of a teacher training degree at a uni about 2 hours from home. She’s doing so well on the course, she’s always been very diligent and conscientious in her approach to course work. That isn’t where the issue lies.
She took a gap year before starting the course, this was against the advice of her dad (ex-husband) and step-dad, who tend to agree on all child related issues. She used the year to travel round Europe and also to volunteer in 2 schools, I thought it was a great experience for her
She started her degree in 2023 and the first year was awful really. She was so homesick, constantly in tears and wanting to come home. I did what I thought was right and persuaded her to do the first few weeks of term without coming back. I visited her instead and friends went to see her. We spoke every day on FaceTime and she came back for reading week and the usual holidays. She completed the year and got great results on the course
Unfortunately she was let down on her house share but she was very mature about it and found a house online, met the housemates and we paid the flipping huge deposit and the cost of the room. She has made some friends, but a lot come home at weekends or have boyfriends, so I think she feels a bit lonely. She has joined the gym and will go by herself, so she is trying.
But, the bottom line is that she just doesn’t want to be there, every time she comes home she’s distraught that she has to go back. My ex (who I get on very well with) and my current husband don’t really see any issue, and think she needs to stay, but I worry constantly about her. None of my friends with kids at uni seem to have the same problems, their kids seem to love it and can’t wait to get back. I’m so sad for her that she’s just not enjoying the experience or getting much out of it
My question is; do I make her stay, which she would do, as she never likes to rock the boat, or do we’ll call it quits after this year. She can transfer to our local uni and complete the last two years and live at home. It’s not ideal, but the thought of two more years is pretty dire. I haven’t suggested this as I’d need to discuss it with her dad, but I’m not sure what else to do, I can’t bear to see her feeling sad whenever she’s away.
I’d love to hear from anyone who has any similar experiences and and suggestions about how to handle it.

Encourage her self efficacy. She needs to know she has the ability to sort this out. Of course you can welcome her back and on the terms of you want (my children are welcome to come back anytime and I expect nothing more than good manners and good company). She needs to work out what she wants - rather than coming home being a slippery slope to giving up I might see it as being honest about your needs and wants and making sure that you make good choices going forwards.

Thank you all for some really helpful advice, I really do appreciate it. Bit of context, my daughter is quite a ‘young’ 20 year old, she did go travelling, but with a friend, both of them are super organised so it suited them and probably felt quite a safe way to do it.
I do wonder if I get the tears and upset more than her dad, whether that’s because she knows I’m a bit of a soft touch. She is a people pleaser, so I do worry that she doesn’t always speak her mind, you sometimes have to second guess her. My divorce was really hard for her, and her dad had cancer just before lockdown, so she’s had a couple of years of being quite anxious in the past.
i do understand that I shouldn’t be ‘babying’ her and that it is her decision, but there is a financial impact. First year students are encouraged to have their second year houses sorted very early into the semester, and then, when they do sign a contract, it covers them until the summer of the next year. Her room is £700 a month, so it is something we have to consider.
I didn’t actually mean I’d ‘make’ her stay, those were the wrong words to choose. I meant I’d try to encourage her to stay. She did speak to her tutor last year and was referred to student services but not much came of it, I’ll suggest she goes down that route again.
I know that I’m in danger of getting too involved in the decision making but it’s only from worrying about her. She’s quiet a sensitive soul, was incredibly shy as a little girl, but she also amazes me with her resilience at times, so I think a lot of you are right, I need to take a step back. She’s back for the weekend for her friend’s 21st this weekend so I’m going to sit her down and have a good chat about what’s really going on and her options. But then I’m going to back off and let her explore the options. Thanks again

Let her transfer and live at home. She's tried, it wasn't for her. It won't go to waste if she transfers to finish her degree.
She's got nearly 2 years left, that's a long time to live somewhere she's unhappy

I was encouraged to stay at uni (Oxbridge) even though I hated it. It wrecked my mental health and I've never been able to put the degree to use. Of course I could have been mentally unwell anywhere but it really was an absolutely awful, and incredibly lonely, time.

Of course she should come home. Put fresh bedsheets, flowers in a vase on her table, send her a picture, and tell her there is no point in being miserable, transfer and start enjoying what she is studying.
Tell her you support her and many things in life are out of our control and we have to endure hardship and difficulties. This is not of them. She doesn't have to suffer.

She's given it a go but to be that unhappy and unsettled for that long isn't worth it. She should probably transfer to the Uni near you and complete her training course and she'll hopefully make new friends on her course.

I’d encourage her to stick out year 2 then transfer to the local one. Might be that by next summer she is happy to stay.

She’s not homesick really - she’s lived away from home before - she’s miserable.
I think it’s a bit concerning that she’s so easily led by her parents and I’d use this situation as an opportunity for her to think through what she wants not follow what her parents want. Sure the money is an issue but her happiness is important too and until she takes a bit more control of her own life, she’in danger of being someone who endures misery to please others - this is the most concerning thing from my perspective.

Teaching is hard and teaching placements in schools are long and consuming. Students are busy preparing lessons and getting used to being part of a school. It is not a typical university experience.
I have a friend whose daughter was in a very similar situation. She was travelling a long way to her school placements. She was focused on preparing for each day at school and she came back to her accommodation, tired and struggling. She moved back home and she was much happier at a small university with lots of other students who lived at home. Placements were easier with home comforts. She is married with children now and she is a popular and successful assistant Head Teacher.
Teaching degrees are very similar. It isn't a subject where it is more prestigious to study at certain places. It is a vocational degree, preparing for a job. It should be relatively easy to transfer to your local university. They will be lucky to have her. She sounds like a great student and I am sure she will be an excellent teacher.

Hi OP, it's a difficult position for you. My thoughts would be swayed by whether it's the course or the lifestyle of being a student that she's struggling with? I went to Uni 1.5 hours away from home and really didn't enjoy it if I'm honest- I was tee total at the time and hated clubbing so found it hard to socially integrate when so much of freshers week was based on going out. (I think/hope it's a bit different now). Like your DD I went home every opportunity I could, realistically most weekends.

For me, despite how much I struggled in some ways going to university was still the right choice as I'm in a NHS profession that I couldn't be in without that degree. And I love my job. So if DD thinks the end goal of her future career is worth it then I'd be encouraging her to stick it out short term for the longer term gain in her adult life. But if she's lost all love for that as well then that's a different conversation I think.

help her transfer, not everyone is cut out for staying away, she is only 20. Don’t force her to stay away.
hugs to both

So my DS stayed at home and went to university and my DD is away at university. I would say it took DD 6 months to settle and now in year 2 is enjoying the friendships. What I noticed about DS is he made no uni friends. This might be to do with pandemic or being a student living at home. I think the social life for those living at home is very different to those living away from home.

I am not certain a transfer to local university would be the solution. It would be hard to start again and be the new girl but I think you need to suggest it as an option but be prepared for her not wanting to do it. She might see the challenges with that approach.

Is there more to it than friendships?. Could it be the course? I know you say they are a diligent student but you can be good at a thing you hate.

There may be alternative that you haven't thought of yet. Could she finish this year and then come home, get a job gather herself and do final year later at whatever university? Maybe brainstorm options with her.

It doesn’t matter where she does her training. If she wants to move home and you can support her, give her this option.

Ignore that poster, OP. I think you did the right thing in encouraging her to stay. Quitting at the first sign of things being hard is not a good thing. It may not have worked out, but now she knows she can do it and she won’t look back wondering “what if”. This sort of thing builds resilience, which is something I think a lot of younger people I deal with at work really struggle with.

The situation is different now though. She has given it a good try and it’s not working out. But at least she has tried. So if she can transfer to a local university and that is her preference, there is no shame or loss in doing so.

As I said earlier. It is a vocational degree which involves long placements away from the university. There are no advantages to doing a vocational degree at a specific university. The courses are virtually identical. Transferring to your daughter's home university will probably be beneficial in practical terms.
I do a little bit of work at our local, very small uni which focuses on education. I remember on the PGCE primary education course there were a number of students from Ireland. There was some difficulty in finding enough teaching practice placements so the Irish students did their placements back in Ireland and they did not return at all for the third term.
Education is a vocational degree. You can easily swap to another provider.

Thanks all, you’ve given me lots of helpful advice and things to think about.
The course is a four year one so she still has nearly 3 years to do. She’s wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember, she’s really enjoyed the placements and appears to be doing well with her assignments, so I don’t think it’s the course that’s the issue.
A few of you have commented that you’re concerned about my parenting. All I can say is that as her parents we just tried to help her to choose the best option for her (or so we thought). We did visit the local uni but she decided that going away to study was what she wanted, but it hasn’t worked out. I’m going to have a good chat with her and ask her to be totally honest with me and try to get to the bottom of what’s going on and then try to help her make her next move.
The vast majority of you have been really kind and helpful in your responses, so thank you. A few have been a little more critical, but once I’d read those comments a couple of times it actually made me question some of the things I’ve done/said, so although they stung a bit they’ve helped too.

Just offering a possible alternative. I went to uni a good 3-4 hours from home and never really loved living in the big city (even though I liked my uni and course) I always missed the dogs and horses and the countryside where I grew up. In the second year I got a weekend job at home and travelled back every weekend. The job covered my train fare plus other expenses so it didn't break the bank. It was a lot of traveling but it worked out better for me overall and I used to study on the train to and from. I definitely wouldn't have wanted to do a whole term away but I did settle in my uni city and was very happy there (just rented a house in the countryside nearby when I graduated). Perhaps there is a middle way for your daughter too?

No, it is not the parents decision too. They can have an opinion and give advice, but a 20yr old woman is a fully autonomous, liberated human being. And as for helping out financially or providing a place to stay in a pinch, that’s your job as a parent of an adult child who is in full time education.

That is your opinion but others are allowed to disagree. A twenty year old woman in ft education is by definition not fully autonomous as she is dependent on her parents for funding.

And when an adult child comes back to live at home full time, having been away for a couple of years travelling and studying, it’s only fair that the other family members who already live in the home are consulted too. And that terms are discussed and agreed with the returning young adult.

So the young adult gets to make the decision in consultation with the whole of the family. Just as I would have to consult the family if I wanted to set up a motorbike repair shop in the middle of the sitting room.

In a family, everyone should have equal rights, therefore the financially dependent young adult dd doesn’t get to make decisions independently of her parents and siblings, if it is a decision that is going to affect them, just as we parents wouldn’t make significant decisions without discussing it with our adult dc.

I have no idea why this is relevant though and why some posters are getting at op, who patently is a very loving mother who wants to do the best thing for her dd.

Just read your update op. Glad this thread has been helpful.

Leaving Uni has to be the choice of the person attending - not the parents and the siblings - I disagree with you completely. The decision to leave may result in parents putting in place rules about returning, getting a job and making a contribution but insisting they have a right to decide whether someone stays a Uni - overstepping - massively.

I do know a parent who has similar situation. His DD was struggling at a university about 2 hrs away. Moved her to a home university. She finished her degree and then went to Oxford for a Masters. Worked out well for them.

You will find a solution when you speak to her. Just need to be open to whatever ideas pop up during your conversation.

There is one more thing I might say. I think I was a bit like your DD in some ways, and aimed to be efficient and 'the sensible friend' as a strategy. I spent time working abroad for a couple of years in connection with my studies and in one country, was really struggling, perhaps the worse period of my life where there was not too much actually wrong. Why I say this was that eventually, I did come home, but felt on the inside also determined to push through it or find new good points, as I wanted to. OK, it didn't work, and there was a situation with dental problems that gave me a more dignified excuse.

However, 20 plus years later, I now feel that life always seems to have been organised, focussed on work (and if the degree is a lot of placements, then that is even closer to what work will be), careful... I'm good at this track, grateful it is secure, but not adventurous or self-confident in the more inspiring side that never got a chance, and perhaps could have, at university where the financial and personal ties are less than at many other times, and your student cohort is on a pretty level playing field as far as all kinds of potential is concerned.

It's a midlife view, of course! But I failed to realise what I had going for me and how it could shape what would be ahead, at the time.

Of course a parent doesn't unilaterally get to decide whether their adult child stays at university or not.

What bit of "So the young adult gets to make the decision in consultation with the whole of the family" is so hard to understand?

Transfer to the local uni to complete.

think of it in job terms. If she was a qualified teacher and was working in a school two hours away and was miserable, you’d say “get a job nearer home and be happy”. Uni is the same, if she forces herself to stay she may quit the course.