University issues - daughter wants to leave

[vintage2403]

Hi all
I apologise in advance as this is quite a long post. My 20 year old daughter is in her second year of a teacher training degree at a uni about 2 hours from home. She’s doing so well on the course, she’s always been very diligent and conscientious in her approach to course work. That isn’t where the issue lies.
She took a gap year before starting the course, this was against the advice of her dad (ex-husband) and step-dad, who tend to agree on all child related issues. She used the year to travel round Europe and also to volunteer in 2 schools, I thought it was a great experience for her
She started her degree in 2023 and the first year was awful really. She was so homesick, constantly in tears and wanting to come home. I did what I thought was right and persuaded her to do the first few weeks of term without coming back. I visited her instead and friends went to see her. We spoke every day on FaceTime and she came back for reading week and the usual holidays. She completed the year and got great results on the course
Unfortunately she was let down on her house share but she was very mature about it and found a house online, met the housemates and we paid the flipping huge deposit and the cost of the room. She has made some friends, but a lot come home at weekends or have boyfriends, so I think she feels a bit lonely. She has joined the gym and will go by herself, so she is trying.
But, the bottom line is that she just doesn’t want to be there, every time she comes home she’s distraught that she has to go back. My ex (who I get on very well with) and my current husband don’t really see any issue, and think she needs to stay, but I worry constantly about her. None of my friends with kids at uni seem to have the same problems, their kids seem to love it and can’t wait to get back. I’m so sad for her that she’s just not enjoying the experience or getting much out of it
My question is; do I make her stay, which she would do, as she never likes to rock the boat, or do we’ll call it quits after this year. She can transfer to our local uni and complete the last two years and live at home. It’s not ideal, but the thought of two more years is pretty dire. I haven’t suggested this as I’d need to discuss it with her dad, but I’m not sure what else to do, I can’t bear to see her feeling sad whenever she’s away.
I’d love to hear from anyone who has any similar experiences and and suggestions about how to handle it.

So sorry, I’ve only just seen your reply. Brace yourself for a very long answer!
It’s so awful when you see your child unhappy, I felt like everyone else’s children were loving uni life and I didn’t know where to turn, hence my post on Mumsnet. I had some lovely helpful replies and it did help me get my head straight. I always thought my daughter would be happier once she started her teaching practice and that’s what’s happened. It took us a year and a half to get there, but she’s a different person now, so much happier. So, what we did to get her there was to support her as much as possible. With her dad (my ex) we worked out a rota to visit her at weekends if she seemed a bit down and she came home whenever she wanted, which started off regularly but has definitely decreased over this term. I know that the long holidays will still be an issue but I feel we’ve reached a better place now. It’s been bloody hard, and there’s been a lot of tears. But I think once we suggested that she transferred to our local uni it almost gave her another option but she then decided to give it a good go.
I also wanted to mention my son, who went to uni back in 2018. He did 2 1/2years (failed first and then re-sat and went into lockdown). After 2 1/2 years he dropped out, utterly miserable. He hadn’t wanted to disappoint us so kept his feelings from us, and we thought no news was good news. His MH has always been up and down to be honest. Academically he’s quite gifted and strolled through his exams before uni, but he just didn’t like or cope with it. He was quite different to my daughter because he did make friends early on so he ended up staying in the town he studied in, with a lot of financial help from my ex. He’s made a life there, now lives with his partner and has embarked on a new path in forestry and conservation (bit different to a chemistry degree!)
I suppose what I really want to say to you is that things seems quite bleak when your children aren’t enjoying uni and you worry about their future. But all you can do is be there, listen and keep an eye on them. Uni is definitely not the only way and they’re so young that dropping out will not mean the end of their dreams. He can always go back. I did my degree at 47! Visit him to buoy him up a bit if he needs it and if he really doesn’t like it explore other options. Sending lots of love, I really do know how you feel

I’m so crap on anything online, but I’ve answered below

If it's possible to transfer to a uni where she could live at home, that would be ideal. There is no shame in moving back home if living away hasn't worked out and it would be a much better outcome* than dropping out entirely

• as she's already done two years of her course she has used up two of her four years of funding, so dropping out might mean she is unable to start afresh on another degree - finishing this one would be the most sensible thing.

So sorry, I’ve only just seen your reply. Brace yourself for a very long answer!
It’s so awful when you see your child unhappy, I felt like everyone else’s children were loving uni life and I didn’t know where to turn, hence my post on Mumsnet. I had some lovely helpful replies and it did help me get my head straight. I always thought my daughter would be happier once she started her teaching practice and that’s what’s happened. It took us a year and a half to get there, but she’s a different person now, so much happier. So, what we did to get her there was to support her as much as possible. With her dad (my ex) we worked out a rota to visit her at weekends if she seemed a bit down and she came home whenever she wanted, which started off regularly but has definitely decreased over this term. I know that the long holidays will still be an issue but I feel we’ve reached a better place now. It’s been bloody hard, and there’s been a lot of tears. But I think once we suggested that she transferred to our local uni it almost gave her another option but she then decided to give it a good go.
I also wanted to mention my son, who went to uni back in 2018. He did 2 1/2years (failed first and then re-sat and went into lockdown). After 2 1/2 years he dropped out, utterly miserable. He hadn’t wanted to disappoint us so kept his feelings from us, and we thought no news was good news. His MH has always been up and down to be honest. Academically he’s quite gifted and strolled through his exams before uni, but he just didn’t like or cope with it. He was quite different to my daughter because he did make friends early on so he ended up staying in the town he studied in, with a lot of financial help from my ex. He’s made a life there, now lives with his partner and has embarked on a new path in forestry and conservation (bit different to a chemistry degree!)
I suppose what I really want to say to you is that things seems quite bleak when your children aren’t enjoying uni and you worry about their future. But all you can do is be there, listen and keep an eye on them. Uni is definitely not the only way and they’re so young that dropping out will not mean the end of their dreams. He can always go back. I did my degree at 47! Visit him to buoy him up a bit if he needs it and if he really doesn’t like it explore other options. Sending lots of love, I really do know how you feel

She's nearly at the end of the second year, I think it would be crazy to jack it in now. Does she actually enjoy the course and enjoy teaching? I would have thought it would be a good course to be on for switching universities.

Hi, sorry I may have confused some you☺️. She’s settled now, very happy in teaching practice and getting some positive feedback. It’s taken nearly two years of the course but I think she’s now pretty certain she’ll be staying there to complete her degree. Thanks for taking the time to post x

Hiya, think my long waffling post confused people 😂. She’s settled now, thank goodness. Took a long time but I think she’s staying put and completing the course away from home. I’m very proud of her, she stuck at it and it’s paid off. She loves the teaching practice and she’s getting good feedback from observations so hopefully she’s turned a corner and will stick at it (once we get her back after the very very long summer break!!)

I was in the exact same position and transferred to a local uni. I’m 35 and that first year in the other uni is still the most distressing time of my whole life, transferring was the best thing I ever did. But if you’re going to transfer, do it soon. The process took a while to get approved from both unis and factor in numbers for courses etc.

I have a challenge at hand. My daughter who is 21 has not been able to successfully complet a semester since 2022. Each time she's in school, she never attends lectures and misses out tests and exams. She claims she has adhd, we gave her the required support, she went for teraphy, but we discovered that for eight emesters , its the same repetitive cycle each year. We have decided to pull her out of school and let her figure out what she wants to do with her life. Please, we need advice. My fear is, what if she has no future plan? Do we just sit and watch.? Thanks

Coming from a very concerned parent.

Hi Biggal, this thread is quite old. I would start a thread seeking support. I would suggest she gets a job or a more vocational training route.