Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

So sorry op! some kids do take mums for granted and it is best to nip it in the bud! Stop being so available and learn to say NO when it is not convenient to help!

Oh that’s awful. At pretty much all of the weddings I’ve been to both mums are given a bouquet and mentioned (except mine, tbf as my MIL had recently died and my mum expressly said she didn’t want anything that would draw attention to her or be insensitive) so to not even do that is horrid

it’s them not you but yes start making yourself less available.

what goes around comes around maybe in years to come it will be them feeling like this if their son gets married.

Just to say I would absolutely do anything to have a mother in law (or even my mother!) like you! You sound absolutely incredible and all I can say is he is an idiot to take you for granted.

If you love your son show him this thread
It may be a wake-up call and stop him being so selfish he ruins his marriage
People only stand a chance to stop being jerks when they are called out .

I’m sorry your son has totally taken you for granted. He has no idea how lucky he is to have you and everything that you do for him and his family.

For what it’s worth I would chop off a limb to have an involved, caring and kind Mum like you. You sound wonderful.

I’m so sorry this happened. Make sure you have your own life and don’t be so available.

Stop being a doormat, jeopardising your job and being the “fall-back” person for this pair and next time your son’s asks for money for an expensive “big-ticket” item, please say no.

I would feel the same. I would be gobsmacked.

What really struck me is how you didn’t blame your DIL like some women would. You recognise this is on your son.

Do talk to him when he returns. He doesn’t deserve you. 💐

This is so sad to read. I’m not sure how to get round this without a fallout. You sound lovely btw. It’s probably helped to talk it over with strangers to confirm you are justified in feeling hurt.

The writing is absolutely on the wall that your dear daughter in law had major influence on that speech and probably her parents too all because you couldn’t financially help as much as they did.

Sounds like your son could be in an emotionally abusive relationship too….

O.M.F.G

PoA? What?

She should blame DIL for disinviting her from the hen. That was appalling.

If she hadn't been invited in the first place, that would be one thing. But to invite her and then say 'actually we need you to babysit, so you're off the list (and then agree to keep the money that OP had paid) is appalling CFery.

I think, sadly, you have allowed them to take advantage and they have mistaken your kindness for weakness. I would let him know how hurt you feel and from now on, reduce the amount of support you give to them to a more "normal" level. If they ask you to babysit, only say yes if you are not busy and it's convenient. If they ask for money to buy something, tell them to save up.

OP this may sound harsh but they’re taking you for granted. Take a step back and find new interests. Don’t be ‘there’ each time they need someone. They need to learn that if they’re going to be selfish and unthinking, there’s a price to pay.

OP, your post sets out all the times over the years you've bent over backwards for your son and his partner, showered them with gifts and cash, sacrificed a paid-for holiday so that you could babysit for them, lied to your employers so you could babysit for them, cleaned for them, the list goes on... all with little appreciation on their part. So their treatment of you at the wedding shouldn't really have come as a surprise.

At what point might you think, there's something not right with this situation?

What happens when they need to look after you? Will any of you know how that works?

I'm sorry but I would not find this behaviour from my DM or DMIL lovely, I'd find it worrying and uncomfortable.

It sounds like DIL is following the lead of your DS, who you admit you spoilt as a child. Unless they both have some kind of personality disorder and actively set out to exploit you, the only way they can continue in this abhorrent way is to dissociate from you. If confronted, they'd probably shrug and say something like 'We just have to let her wear herself out looking after us, she likes it, and we can't stop her even if we wanted to.'

I'm saying all this tough stuff because you asked 'How do I get past this?' and sometimes it takes a jolt to do so.

You can't change their behaviour or outlook. You can only change yours. The fact you've posted this on MN means that something in you is waving a small flag of protest. That's a good sign. Go with it.

Please please take the fact that she was so overt about PoA as a massive red flag. Continue to decline and if you can, make each other your PoA. Leaving it to someone who sounds as mercenary as your DiL will inevitably end in tears.

''Stupid boy'' - is he a bit thick like Rodney?

Heartbroken on your behalf and as a mum to boys I feel sadness for my future knowing I could do everything right and still be sidelined … I’m so sorry this happened. Your presence here has been noticed, your efforts appreciated and your resilience I hope will be rewarded!

Feedback: I’m not surprised you’re so upset. Anyone in your situation would be. And it sounds like you dealt with it with consideration and dignity, by hiding your sadness and disappointment and enjoying the wedding. You held your head high.

Ideas to move on: Talk to him. When he’s come back from honeymoon and settled back into a routine, ask him out, just the two of you, to a public place (for a walk or lunch or something), so it’s less likely to get heated, but where you can talk openly without being overheard. Don’t dive straight in. Say you loved the wedding and you’re so proud of him, love his wife and her family and your grandson. But you were very hurt he didn’t want to mention you in his speech and you wondered why this was.

Be calm and don’t paint yourself as a victim. Don’t be attacking or accusatory. Just ask why and be ready to listen to his answer. You don’t have to respond if his answer upsets you, like ‘I didn’t see the need, you know I appreciate you’. It’s clear you realise he hasn’t had the best male role models in his life, to teach him to appreciate you. But simply let him know it hurt and let that sit with him. How he deals with it is then up to him.

However he reacts, try not to let it ruin your relationship. As he gets older, and realises how tough it is raising kids, he’ll no doubt appreciate you more. But, especially if he’s your only child, better to try to develop an open, honest and close relationship as adults, and to be in your grandson’s life.

But set some boundaries going forward, as he sounds quite inconsiderate and unappreciative. He shouldn’t have asked you to look after your grandson at the last minute ahead of the wedding without making it clear what a big ask that was and how much he appreciated it. You’re not his servant. He’s a man now.

Is this part of a pattern of thoughtlessness by your son or could it have been a one-off in the heightened atmosphere of nerves giving a speech.

You quite often get award winners at things like the Oscars apologizing for forgetting someone important like their spouse in the heat of the moment.

I think you can say very simply to him: "I was hurt that you didn't mention me in your speech and it makes me feel taken for granted." He can do with that as he wishes. He will probably be defensive but he may go away and think about it and may change the way he views you and treats you in future.

Maybe separate your lives more. Your son and his wife are not children, yet you bail them out as if they were. How will they learn to budget if they never have to?

Also, if they're old enough to have children they are old enough to look after them or pay for a nursery. Stop being a doormat! (You'll get walked on).

Luckily my children know that I think babies are boring, so they'll never expect me to look after them. We have a close, warm, grown up relationship.

I'm sorry but it looks as though you think that by being indispensable they will love you, but it doesn't work like that.

Treat them a bit meaner and after the initial outrage at losing their servant they may be a bit keener.

But someone, his dw for example, would surely have noticed and as he sat down hissed 'omg your dm you didn't mention her!' He could've jumped back up and put it right. It would have been awkward and clumsy but better than the tumbleweed of no mention at all.

I would really say something to him. I just couldn’t get past it and not mention it. He may well be mortified that he hadn’t included something about you, and might say he missed something out of his speech in error. I can’t think, after all you’ve done for them, that he omitted you maliciously, unless you did something to upset them without realising.

That’s awful. He clearly takes you completely for granted. I think you would be well within your rights to put some distance between you and them for a while and give them some time to work out how they have behaved and figure out how to make it right.