Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

It can never be taken back redone or made up

It can’t. But someone needs to have a word with him and point out how much he has hurt and humiliated you.

He owes you a huge apology and huge thanks.

🌸

Please stop missing work and calling in sick as if you get caught or put on an absence management plan then days when you are sick will be incredibly tricky.

it will be hard but don’t be so available. The cancelling of the hen do was awful. They should have refunded you the money at least.

yes you want to see your grandson but they are his parents and need to organise themselves better.

it’s time for you now to make time to explore your interests and get a social circle around yourself. Don’t cancel plans with friends etc as they will stop inviting you if flaky and you will be sat at home alone.

tell him that his speech hurt your feelings. He will probably blow up at you as he realises you are right. Or say something to placate you like you know how important you are. Then he should have declared it publicly.

I thanked everyone from my divorced parents to my in-laws who continue to do more for me than my actual parents. My dad disappeared when I was barely three years old and didn’t pay child support or turn up for visits

No! A keyboard and a set of drums at least.

Very poor form that neither your son nor DIL thanked you publically or even privately, I suspect.

You are mad to ring in sick to your workplace to do childcare for them. Allowing you to buy the engagement ring because he had no money for one is unusual. They need to start fending for themselves as adults.

I wonder would he be mature enough to apologise if you told him it was embarrasing not to be thanked. Or would he strop off like a sulky teenager?

Do you remember when Andy Murray won Wimbledon and he climbed up in to the stands and hugged and thanked his whole team but completely bypassed his poor mum, stood there like a lemon while the world's cameras looked on - the only person who'd been there every step of the way for him. No doubt just like your ds, Andy's snub of Judy was due partly to the excitement and adrenaline of the occasion but also an element of taking the one who has always been there for granted.
They just don't think or if they do would say 'Of course mum knows she's loved and appreciated. She's part of me so it goes without saying.'
I've found with my own adult sons that sometimes a loving, non-emotional spelling out of how I feel or what I want to say to them (sometimes by email) can help us all get on better and understand each other as adults and move past those built in, unthinking mum/son patterns.
I really recommend talking to your ds about it one day when the excitement is over and everyone is calm, and telling him (privately and non judgementally) how you felt about his speech. What's the worst that can happen if you tell him?
He might be upset, regretful and embarrassed? Well perhaps he should be. You were! It might make him consider you and other people more in the future and be a better person.
He might be angry and defensive? Well at least he would know how you really feel and might stop taking you for granted.
He might say actually he didnt feel you deserved any thanks because he has some massive hidden resentment against you? Well at least you know there's an issue you can try to solve.
If you say nothing you'll ever know why he omitted you and this will be a lifelong sore that can never start to be healed between you. Be brave and talk. You deserve to be heard.

That’s shoddy of your DS. Not just the speech but treating you like the on demand babysitter is really not on.

Incidentally, Does your DIL know he took £1k from you for the engagement ring? It may just be me, but I’d be pretty unimpressed if my DP had borrowed/been given money for an engagement ring and even more so if they concealed it. Was he not capable of saving for it himself or did he just expect you to stump up?

I doubt he was allowed the breath without her sayso!

How hurtful. I think you need to value yourself more. If you call in sick to provide childcare then you are not valuing yourself or treating your employer properly. What childcare had been arranged for the hen and the wedding day and why did it fall through?

See what happens when he gets back from honeymoon. I bet he realises and is apologetic. I think nerves got the better of him and he messed up. Dont let it fester and if he doesn’t bring it up, you should for sure.

It doesn’t sound like he’s done it on purpose just very thoughtless, I can’t imagine he actually thought I’m going to exclude my mum to annoy her. I agree with a PP he’s probably read online this is what your suppose to say etc. For me you have two options:

• put your big girl pants on and have open communication with your son. Ask him out for coffee just you two and explain your feelings.

• or you can do the worst advice on here and stop babysitting and ghost your family. They won’t know why and it will damage your relationship.

I would be looking at whether he and the DIL were grateful in general about your contributions to see whether this was a one off mistake borne of adrenaline and stress or whether it's part of a pattern of taking you for granted. If it's the latter, I would start doing what suits you in terms of childcare and money. I probably wouldn't bother having a chat about the wedding day as I think it will cause trouble even if you phrase it very nicely, but I'd try to solve the underlying problem here.

I'm amazed they allowed themselves to be conned into paying for her parents' fares twice, once should have been enough especially as his parents were not invited for Christmas. Some people need to be quicker to see through scroungers.

I want to cry for you. I sometimes think our kids are so used to us doing everything for them they don’t realise how much we actually do. I’ve been a SAHM and carer for our eldest for 18 years and the amount of times my kids thank their dad for stuff is unreal. Because he’s the one that earns the money. My son has made numerous comments (usually in jest but still) about me not working but forgets that I was there for every school drop off and pick up, every assembly, volunteered on every school trip, went to every show, carol concert, school fayre etc.

There is no need for a drama if OP wants to share honestly how she felt about being forgotten about at the wedding. In fact, the ability to be honest about your feelings in a respectful manner shows a healthy and respectful relationship. The choice of words and how and indeed even if this is brought up is key eg the conversations could follow these patterns ...

OP: Son - your wedding was wonderful and so many memories. It was a great day. There is one aspect though that has made me feel sad, where I noticed in your speech, I was not acknowledged for my contributions/help and I helped last minute by babysitting and giving up my hen do place, and this has made me feel unappreciated. I'm sure in the excitement of the day, this was not intentional. You know I would do anything for you and your family as I love you all. I don't like to feel taken for granted - and lately I have been feeling this.
Son:- Jeez Mum. I had no idea. I am so sorry. I feel awful and of course I didn't mean it. I love you too you know, and we couldn't do without all your help and kindess. Let me make it up to you by ...
Result - OP happy she has got her feelings out. Son happy he has a chance to make it up to her and be more mindful of his future behaviour and considers his Mum when asking for favours. Both parties have been open and honest with a mutual respect for one other.

vs

OP: Son - you are so selfish and thoughtless. How dare you forget me in the wedding speech. After everything I do for you too. It was so embarrassing too especially when other family members clocked it. You never say thank you ever.
Son: Jeez Mum - give it a rest - it was my wedding day! I forgot/didn't mean it. Anyway you offered your help didn't you? What about all the things I do for you? It's not that deep.
Result: big argument. No-one is happy - becomes about who is right and wrong/apportioning blame. Resentment felt on both sides.

vs

OP says nothing
DS says nothing
Result: Nothing changes. DS may be unaware of his gaff and is not given the chance to build bridges. OP may harbour resentment and sadness. Or maybe OP decides she is OK with this and puts this behind her. DS and DIL continue to ask for babysitting/emergency cover.

Op, you sound like such a lovely, kind and generous human. I'm very sorry, that is really hurtful.

(Clutching at straws) Was he specifically focused on thanking those who helped organise (or pay for) the wedding and just didn't think about or took for granted, your help with the engagement ring/with babysitting etc? Or does he have a bee in his bonnet that you couldn't help fund the wedding?

Awful if this is the case or even if it isn't.

Oh love that is awful. You are an amazing mum and you didn't deserve that.
I would wait til he comes home from honeymoon and send him a link to this thread.

I’ve noticed the more you do for people the more they take advantage and the less they appreciate you. Those that give less are treated so much better as sad as that is. You need to stop doing everything they ask now because it sounds like they’ve been taking advantage for some time.

I had a similar situation with a speech at a different event and manage to laugh about how ridiculous it/the person was. I didn’t mention it to them as I decided to remove myself from their life for other reasons but obviously you want a relationship with your son so I think you should tell your son what he said or if there’s a video watch it back. I hope you get an apology.

It sounds like he was focused more on the money than the practical help and babysitting that you do. So they got a big thanks for paying for the wedding but as you didn’t directly pay he has overlooked what you do in other ways and made a big fuss of them.

Tbh I don’t know if I would say anything. He would probably be defensive. I agree with pps that you should definitely step back now with the help you give.

I’ve noticed the more you do for people the more they take advantage and the less they appreciate you.

Some people!

My daughter is just finding this out.

One friend she has been sucked into doing more & more for-barely a word of thanks & daughter is always the first port of call even if someone else could do it more easily!

Another who she does much less for-time & effort wise & at no expense to herself is always grateful & mostly buys chocolates!

Oh OP, this is awful. Your son is so ungrateful. I'm so sorry he's taken advantage of you like this.

I wouldn't even link it to the wedding, as it isn't really about that but how he regards you in general.

Definitely ask to meet him, just him and ask him to honest explain how he thinks of you!

It can either go two ways, either he holds you in the regard you deserve (high) and was being human and was unintentional, or he doesn't care at all, in which case he is a selfish arse!

Don't burn bridges though, especially for the relationship with your grandson, but definitely don't bend over backwards to help him. It would do good to say no sometimes.

We are in the same bracket as your son.

The two mothers and aunts do so much for us and our son.

We rarely manage to express our true gratitude.

Life and relationships with all members can be tricky sometimes and mostly it's the unintentional things that cause the most issues.

Life is being a busy bitch at this stage and not giving us enough time to be and process/think about anything before another problem comes along.

It doesn't mean we don't care, things just take a back burner!

We couldn't have managed without either of them. We are so indebted to them more than we can express and we'd be lost without them.

The way it is handled can make all the difference, just be open, honest and lay it before him as calmly as you can for him just to understand your perspective.
Give him some time and space to process it.

Does he show gratitude to you and your help normally? Does your son and his wife say thank you when you do all those favours? I think that is important in determining if it was just a bad speech or if he is generally ungrateful and taking you for granted. If he is generally ungrateful and then that does need to be addressed by you OP more firmly than if it is just a bad speech.

Your son sounds thoughtless at best and an utter user at worst.

I think something needs to be said, quietly, calmly yet sternly, to determine 'why' and 'who he is' before you continue bending over backwards for him, OP ... only to possibly be dumped the moment the GC hits school and they don't 'need' you anymore.

Oh gosh, I’d be very hurt. But I wouldn’t t agree with pass-agg techniques of mysterious being unavailable etc-what’s that going to achieve? I’d take him to one side, tell him I love him very much and want to support him etc. it that it felt very hurtful to be excluded from thank yous when even the cake lady gets a mention . I’d ask was it intentional and if I’d done anything wrong. I’ll bet it slipped his brain in the drama and intensity of the moment and that he’d fully intended to include you. I would hope that he’d reflect on that mishap and go out of his way to appreciate you. But don’t punish him by remaining silent and ‘distancing’ yourself. That’s not going to make you feel better whereas a heartfelt apology and hug will.

Gosh, how rough that must have been for you.

I think Son’s can often be a bit blind to their family in these situations and/or don’t ’see’ all the help you give so willingly. Or maybe trying to gain favour with the In Laws.

Either way, that must have really stung, and well done for not making a scene and keeping your composure.

Perhaps mention it to your Son when you see him, and let him know it hurt you. I imagine he will feel terrible xxx