Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

I agree. If he forgot, someone should have prompted him. Or he should have apologised to her later, which I assume he hasn’t. That’s why I’d give it a few weeks to let the dust settle before saying anything, to see if he actually realises and apologises without prompting.

But forgetting doesn’t wash with me. If he’s been raised by his mum as a lone parent, after being abandoned by his dad as a baby, not to mention all the help she’s given since (including paying for the engagement ring FFS), and on the day, who would forget to thank her? Most important person to thank, I’d say. He should have more respect. So should his wife.

My mum’s not been the easiest person over the years to put it mildly, but I’d still thank her publicly at such an occasion if I was thanking others.

He broke the unspoken bargain that you made with him - "I will sacrifice myself for you, and you will love and appreciate me".

It never works this way - as it took me many years to discover.

I say this a lot on here - two phrases from Natalie Lue (I think!). "People value you only as much as you value yourself", and "when you put others first, you teach them to put you last".

I wouldn't say anything, but I would be changing my ways.

Begin with never doing anything at the last minute except in a genuine emergency. If they are off to A&E then last-minute babysitting is fine. But cancelling work to babysit? No. It's their child, their responsibility. Your time is just as precious as theirs.

Of course, this will cause a huge ruckus at first - but stick to your guns. Rather than speaking to him about the speech, maybe drop into conversation with son and/or your DIL that way too many people have been taking you for granted and so you are trying value yourself and your time more. This might give them pause when you do refuse a request.

And of course, continue doing the things they give you warning of, and that suit your schedule. Be a Mum/Gran, not a member of staff.

That's a great response @ChristmasFluff

that is so hurtful and utterly thoughtless.
you know your son, he probably(?)didnt intentionally exclude you(?)sspek to him

I think the son needs to know how upset his mother was. That is enough in and of itself. He will then know and not be left to wonder why the mother is not so eager to run after him and his wife. For goodness' sake, speak your piece - he's your son and deserves to know how you feel, even if ultimately he thinks that he hasn't done anything wrong.

Suddenly changing one's behaviour without explanation is a very passive aggressive way of dealing with a problem.

How utterly thoughtless of him. I hope someone says something to him when he gets back from honeymoon

I agree with the comments about establishing firmer boundaries going forward. People do not value what is easily got!
With the Christmas period coming soon I would expect you to be prevailed upon to facilitate your son and DIL's social arrangements. Time for a reset! You are not just a mother and grandmother but a woman whose life has recently been upturned by a treacherous husband. There should be extra kindness coming your way rather than being expected to be at people's beck and call.
Whatever the reason for your son overlooking you in his wedding speech, in an odd way it may have done you a favour going forward. 2025 could be the year you reclaim yourself as important and significant. Good luck!

I could weep for you, OP. He takes you entirely for granted. This is what happens to older women. We become the people who facilitate everything and are assumed to have no feelings of our own and no need for respect and recognition, let alone gratitude.

My niece, if it's any comfort, did the same thing to my sister at her wedding. My sister spent her life smoothing my niece's life, sorting everything out. She was completely ignored at the wedding.

What you need to do now is build a full, interesting, active life for yourself, not focussed around your children or grandchildren. Remain involved with them, help out when you want to, but don't let them treat you like a doormat and let them see that you're not just a 'poor thing' waiting to get your self-worth from taking care of others and sacrificing yourself. Be busy and say no sometimes. Don't give them any more money. Make arrangements for Christmas that don't involve them — because they're going to be focussed on her parents, aren't they? Time to focus on you.

I would not tell him myself, he reason being that it will open up an awkwardness between you both that will linger for years. You have been amazing so far and it would be a shame to spoil the relationship between you, your son, and grandchild. You have done it while you love them and want to help, and you want to continue this loving relationship going forward.

However somebody does need to remind your son of how much you have done and that it was noticable that no thanks or more importantly no recognition was forthcoming in his speech. He will possibly be horrified that he forgot and this will give him a chance to reflect and offer you an explanation.

Ah OP, that's so sad. What a wanker. Sorry this happened to you.

I'm not one to give any advice, as I'm blunt, bolshy, hold grudges and can be dramatic on occasions. I would have told him all I thought then and there, at the very wedding. Fucker spoiled my day, so I'd spoil his, wouldn't care - son or not. Privately, not publically, though. And then I'd leave the wedding. If they don't value me - I'm out.

OR I'd just go no contact and wait till they come grovelling. People always do. Did a similar thing to my own family (not for nothing, there was a serious reason). They did grovel and the behaviour wasn't repeated since.

That might seem a bit much to you, but you MUST at least talk to him about it. Just tell him how he made you feel. Let him think. And be less available from now on.

Oooooof! I’m sorry op, that must have been so hurtful for you. For what it’s worth I think you were incredibly dignified saying nothing on the day and maintaining your composure.
You have obviously had some shitty men in your life and for your son to now behave like this must feel particularly painful, especially at the moment (your exh sounds like a total twat by the way, you are well rid of that weasel).

Personally I think you should mention it to your son. I don’t think anyone else will and if his wife didn’t pull him for it on the day, she never will. I think you should tell him you feel taken for granted and taken advantage of and that things need to change from his side. Be calm and collected but firm. Start putting yourself first more and stop giving all the time.

I wish I knew you in rl I'd give you such a squeezy hug. What a dreadful time you've had.
They've taken you totally for granted. I can't believe wife didn't read the speech and knew you'd been left out. My dh would have put his dm first! This is awful. Or I'd have had words.

@QuintessentialDragon yes I'm of the same ilk.

You sound really lovely, OP. Perhaps too nice 💐

I'm so sorry. That must have hurt terribly. As the mother of five sons I read your post with real interest. I admire how present and available you have been for them but I hate to see you treated poorly.

yes but she obviously loves them and therefore wouldn't want to spoil their wedding day with a public scene complaining that she hadn't been thanked in his speech (I'm referring to your first post here)

that was hurtful and disrespectful OP - I'd have left at that stage and dialled the help you give them right back.

That does seem very thoughtless and I think you or someone else should mention it to your son.

I don't agree with others that the time to do this was at the wedding though. Regardless of whether it was deliberate or not, it's better to raise it calmly afterwards.

I don't know if this has already been asked but is there a wedding video and does it film anyone's/ your reaction to the speech? Be interesting if your DS and DIL twig that he messed up. Because he did mess up massively. You sound amazing and how strong and generous of you to keep a smile on your face and not react.

Surely your son would have shown his wife the speech prior to the wedding at which point if you’re decent you would say hey how about your mum?

Sorry, but that’s just nonsense, suggesting that he didn’t thank his Mum because an etiquette book failed to specifically mention it.
Which I doubt, anyway.

I think you sound absolutely amazing. And I think you were right not to say anything on the day, it's not the right time.

I do however think you should speak to your son when he comes back. Pick a moment when you are both calm (eg not if he is in a rush to pick up his son), and when you are on your own with him - for instance ask him round for a cup of tea.

I would very gently tell him in your words what happened at the wedding, and how it made you feel. It's possible that he didn't even realise, was nervous and forgot things etc. But in that case that's what he can tell you, and you really need to give him a chance to explain. He will probably be mortified and apologise, and you can move on and it will 'drain the absess'. If he says it was deliberate etc, then that's a different discussion.

But what I would really really say is please don't bring his wife, or her parents into it (as you are comparing yourself to them quite a lot in your post). This has got absolutely NOTHING to do with them , it's purely between you and your son, and HIM not mentioning you in HIS speech. If you start widening the discussion to them, you will come across as unreasonable, he will play it back to his wife and she will start resenting you, and nothing good will come of it. Keep it about how he thanked everyone except you, and you are his mother and have done all you can for him (including bringing him up by the way!), and he should 100% have thanked you.

Sure, but by plastering on a smile and soldiering on. essentially she’s continuing the narrative that she has no needs, and exists as an infinite resource to be of use to her adult son, calling in sick to work to do childcare, being expected to drop out of the hen to do childcare for the stag, at everyone’s beck and call, never dating no, to the detriment of her work, and her own enjoyment of her son’s wedding for which she barely had to time get dressed.

I absolutely get that she’s heartbroken that her hard work is invisible and she didn’t even merit a thank you in a wedding speech, but it’s the horrible, logical conclusion of people-pleasing. You make yourself invisible to the person you’re of service to. They would no more think to thank you than they would a vending machine.

I didn't see my husband's speech because part of it was about me! I'd be very surprised if many brides see them but well done in trying to heap some blame on the woman. 😄

It's all on the son and not the OP. If it was an oversight ( a very bad one) he should at least have realised afterwards and spoken to his mum and apologies. He is either stupid or completely self-absorbed and this level of disregard does not bode well for how he will be treating his wife in 20 years. OP you sound lovely. It is time to start putting yourself first, create your own life and make a point of not helping out if it gets in the way of other plans.