Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

I agree it was remiss of OPs son in the excitement of the day & no doubt nerves to forget to mention his mother. Why add fuel to what's already a situation which could cause everyone concerned lasting damage. I think it's more embarrassing than hurtful as I'd worry guests might think I did nothing to contribute to the day. On reflection I'd know they would realise it was my sons mistake.

I'm so sorry, OP. I'd be so hurt.
My brother did this to my Dad on his wedding day, after my Dad paid for the wedding. He was flustered and nervous, and probably more worried about getting things right for his wife's family. He was very upset to have missed my Dad out.
But your son has some major making-up to do and I agree with others who recommend stepping back and being much less available. It's horrible to feel taken for granted.

Oh OP my heart is breaking for you 💔
I assume by other family approaching you after the speech they too noticed he didn't mention you? I hope they say to him how selfish he is and how he takes you for granted and I hope you feel able to tell him yourself

I didn't have MIL/SIL at my hen; FIL/BIL was not at stag.
I honestly cannot remember who we thanked in our speeches.
One side of our family has helped more than the other financially. One side of our family has helped more than the other with childcare.
If any parent was upset, I would much rather they raised it than kept it to themselves. I would be mortified to think we'd upset any of them.
I suggest speaking to your son 1:1 and saying you don't want to make a big deal about it but wanted to mention that it hurt you that he didn't thank you at all in the wedding speeches. This has now meant you have reflected on other things you've done snd you are feeling taken for granted. You love spending time with GS and being involved. You didn't want to keep your feelings to yourself cos you are worried they'd spill out in the future and you'd rather nip it in the bud now. You've had a challenging few months- any break up around a wedding is going to be tough. I think it's important he recognises that you are a person with feelings and are not made of steel. If you are happy to carry on as is, say that; if you want to make changes, say that too. I really think you need to self advocate here. Hopefully, it was an oversight on a blur of a day and he'll be gutted. I worry that you then thinking about x, y and z is already making you feel worse and scrutinising things you haven't previously. If they really do bother you, fine; but are you focusing on those because of the wedding speech so are looking for the negatives now?
We are all different. My MIL/DM would both happily miss a hen do/look after GC or grandparents on a wedding day and provide childcare (one would put herself out to do so but say nothing; the other would only do it around her plans but I think the 2nd is much healthier option). I'm not sure either would say if we'd upset them but I really hope they would. It is far too easy to take people for granted and I would be so mad at myself I'd we had done so.

But it sounds like the OP is happy to be part of his life. She has done all those things willingly and without question. Presumably because she wants to and wants to be part of his life. I'm sure if the son had thanked her then things would have continued as they are.

It is very hurtful op and I can totally understand why you are upset. I would wait until after the honeymoon and the dust has settled and would have that conversation with him. Point out that that you do all of these things out of love and because you want a part in their life but that it hurts to be taken for granted and it upset you.

I hope that this gives him the impetus to reflect on what you have done and do for him.

Sometimes it is the help that is provided in an efficient and seamless way that is overlooked. You have not trumpeted your contributions but have been there as a reliable presence in the background. Holding back your tears of disappointment on the wedding day was the right thing to do of course - but everyone needs a little recognition from time to time.

I think as the years go by, DS will come to appreciate more and more that parenthood is hard work and challenging - and you did a lot. He will eventually come to recognise your low key and loving support. Patience! But until then ...💐

This is VERY bad. I am so sorry OP. You MUST talk to him about how this has made you feel. What a self-centred arse. Also, how nice can the dil be if she didn't amend this immediately? It is appalling OP. 💐

I think you've always been there for him in an unconditional way and that led to a thoughtless oversight. Like when babies say dada not mama because as far as they are concerned you are part of them. Chalk it up to the thoughtlessness of youth, decide how you want to deal with it, but try to do so with warmth and compassion for yourself and for them. You've been a star, and brilliantly dignified, they will still be carrying wedding stress and time will sort this out.

Your words made me cry. You sound like a lovely, warm, loving person OP. Please talk to your son and share your disappointment. You shouldn't be bottling up negative emotions and you shouldn't be feeling so low and undervalued.

Hugs! And I hope you get some love back that you definitely deserve!

I’m sorry op! That must really hurt badly.

Actually this. I could cry for you op how very hurtful.

I'm sure you don't want conflict but I'd have to tell him how I felt. I feel so sad for you, I'm so sorry.

Wow.

I'd be honest and say that the day was lovely apart from everyone looking at you when you didn't get a mention. And that a few people asked if you were OK later on in the evening about it and you were a bit embarrassed but brushed it off.

That's letting him know without any nastiness. I'd also make sure it was when his wife is there too.

Great advice here on how to create an absolute stooshie within a family. According to the posts from OP she has a great relationship with her DIL. That is worth its weight in gold. Please don't jeopardise this OP by making a fuss about your sons mistake. He obviously loves & cares for you & that's more important than a mishap during a nerve wracking wedding speech.

Why are some blaming the DIL?

@dayatatime18 the fact is the OP does not have a fabulous relationship with her DIL at all, she has been treated shockingly and the DIL is as selfish and thoughtless as her son. You seem to be suggesting she walks on eggshells around them, no she needs to have some self respect and not let them treat her so poorly.

And yes I do have a son and if he treated me like that I would feel that he wasn't bothered about a relationship I would be less available.

Your feelings are completely understandable. It’s clear you’ve poured so much love and support into your son’s life and family, and it’s natural to feel a bit hurt when it seems like those efforts went unrecognized, especially on such an important day. You’ve been incredibly giving and selfless, and anyone would feel a bit disappointed in your shoes.

Since they’re away on their honeymoon, it might be best to wait until they’re back to consider bringing it up. That way, you’ll have a bit of distance from the emotions of the day, and it will give you a chance to think about what you’d really like to convey to your son.

When you do talk to him, maybe focus on how much you care about him and enjoy being a part of his life. You could gently share that you felt a little hurt because you’ve always tried to be there for him, and you didn’t expect anything in return but just hoped to feel a bit more acknowledged. Framing it around how much you love and value him can help keep things positive and less likely to make him feel defensive.

Also, it’s okay to create some boundaries for yourself moving forward. You’re always there for them at a moment’s notice, which is so kind, but it’s perfectly fine to look after your own needs too. Sometimes, setting a little space for yourself can actually help others better recognize and appreciate all that you do.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to feel overlooked, especially when you’ve done so much. Talking to a friend or even a counselor could also help you process any lingering feelings so you can continue to support your family in a way that feels good for you too.

Sending lots of warmth your way, and I hope you’re able to find some peace with this over time. Your love and kindness really do shine through, and that’s some

Aww OP, I feel gutted for you. What a lovely, obliging person you are and your reward - to be taken for granted! Hugs to you.

Pull back now and don’t be as readily available. Don’t risk your employment in these uncertain times. Your son may value you more if you are more selective and ration your availability. According to his speech, he has lots of support - I’m sure the wonderful cake-maker will step up to the challenge!!

Problem might be if the wife gets hold of it and comes here with the usual abusive comments about her MIL expecting her son to acknowledge his mother's existence when he's now part of the wife's family!

This.

It could well have been nerves. I wouldn't say anything to him, he was in the wrong but I don't think much good will come of mentioning it and it may push him away from you which it sounds like you do not want to happen

Obviously some people thrive on family battles 🙄

Sorry OP the whole thing sounds awful. I’ve come across this a few times though and it’s usually the same pattern - the man’s mum selflessly and tirelessly makes herself available for everything and says yes to everything. But she forgets to also cultivate a sense of respect for herself. I’m not saying it’s your fault, just some men despite loving their mums don’t seem to understand that they need to actively thank her and show their respect for her. I suspect that in your efforts to make up for your DS’s dad leaving you went all out for him without putting what would have been normal boundaries for yourself.

The problem is that people often don’t value what is given in abundance if it’s free. And I don’t mean he should pay you, but you should have some sense of your time and your life being worth something, and you should make him see that too.

I would not be able to let this pass. I would certainly have a word with him, but I wouldn’t make it all about the wedding. I’d say how that speech made you realise in general that he doesn’t show he values/appreciates you in the same way that he might show others. Sons’ mums deserve value and respect and appreciation just as much as daughters’ mums do and sons need to step up and do this.

I have only skim read replies so I'm sorry if somebody has already suggested this, but I think the wedding speech wouldn't have stung nearly as much, if he showed gratitude to you and thanked you more often and sincerely for everything that you do for them all - I think he probably doesn't say thank you a lot, or put into words that he realises the implications for you when things like asking you to cancel going to the hen weekend to babysit at your expense, and asking you to babysit last minute while they are getting ready for the wedding giving you no time for your own prep and helping the elderly relatives (how lovely a person you are).

We all know that emergencies crop up, babysitters lets you down etc, but it also seems that there's a lot of last minute asking you to hold the baby that I think could have been prevented with a bit of planning by him and his wife. At the same time, there seems like a complete lack of consideration from him of how this affects your life.

You calling in sick to look after their child when the child has two parents who are responsible for them is crackers, and I would strongly encourage you to have better boundaries around things like last minute requests if you're not genuinely free to help out. If you're due at work, you're not free!

I think this really could do with an honest heart to heart between you and your son. (Invite him out for lunch or over for a coffee, just him, and tell him that you've been feeling taken for granted and unappreciated. Give him a bit of a boot up the backside that he needs to be more organised and book childcare ahead so that it's not all last minute - you can emphasise how much you love looking after your grandchild and that you want to continue, and that you will still try to help in an emergency because life happens, but be clear to him that he has really put you in some awkward situations at your personal cost, that you don't feel that he is considering or appreciating the impact of these things on you, your time and your money, and that you'd like these things to change. Offer to have a diary get together once a month or so, where you can both look ahead for opportunities to book you in for childcare with plenty of notice.

Someone should have a word and tell him how hurt you are, I'd then see his reaction for where it goes from here. If you can't find someone to have a word I'd say it yourself.

Also I think it is really disrespectful to ask you to give up your place at the hen. They are treating you like the hired help, albeit unpaid. I don’t know if you can see it but they seem to think they can just pull you in and out of whatever situation and you’ll always say yes.