Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

I’m so sorry this happened op, reading your post hurt my heart a bit, I think you did the right thing smiling through it on the day.
You sound like an absolute diamond and certainly taken for granted by the sounds of it.

Time to reevaluate how much you’re doing and how available you are for them, I certainly would not be calling in sick to work to accommodate their needs.
Perhaps if you draw back a little bit, they may notice and appreciate what you’ve done for them.
My mother would never have called in sick to accommodate my childcare needs and she’s a wonderful Nan. it’s great you support them but don’t do everything that’s asked of you.

The general tone of the OP’s message struck a chord with me, as it feels similar to my brother and his wife with our parents. Somewhere, somehow my thoughtful brother was replaced by a selfish pr*ck who can’t see further than the end of his own nose, but who is quite happy to tap my parents up for a loan when they were skint…. But he at least acknowledged our parents in his wedding speech.

OP, I think you have to raise it with your son, when it’s just the two of you. You don’t need to reel off everything you do for him; I think it’s enough that you’re his Mum, and he thanked every man and his dog, including the cake lady, but didn’t acknowledge you, and he has hurt your feelings.

How on earth can wanting a relationship your adult son & your Grandchild while being there for them 24/ 7 if required be described as like a life of service. On the contrary its a privilege

Hi, im sorry you have experienced this, it's awful...I have been treated the same with my son..helped him & his wife alot, now they don't speak to me nor do I see my teenage grandchildren..it's very hurtful , maybe he just takes you for granted, but you deserve better. Best wishes

Wow, I wish I was in your family. I much prefer directness and open communication. I don’t hold grudges or gossip. I just like to have a good chat, hear each other, be empathetic, then put it to bed and work on what I’ve learned from it.

Sadly, my family are The Great Unsaid of avoidance, decades old grudges, harsh judgement, seething resentments and griping to anyone but the person concerned, inevitably stirring the shit still further. All dressed up in jokes and cuddles 🙄

Yes this.

So sorry your son was so thoughtless. You sound like such a lovely mum

He's probably so used to you being a support in his life that he's treating you like his own limb. He's not used to getting help from other people so he thought to thank them.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't raise it with him because it's time he grew up and started to realise that you aren't to be taken for granted.

You sound like a lovely, loving and generous person. I think you have to see all that you do for your son and daughter-in-law as labour. If you sell yourself cheaply, are a little too available, give the impression that you have nothing better to do than pander to this pair and bail them out when they need a baby sitter and cleaner, then they will not value you.

Having read your post I think your daughter in law sees you as the poor relation, someone you invite for Christmas dinner because you feel you should, hope they’ll bring a nice bottle of something and bugger off before the King’s speech.

I’d get another member of your family to have a quiet, but firm word with your son, then be unavailable the next time at short notice your daughter in law needs a free baby sitter at short notice so she can go out on the lash.

Your son is getting a lot of very bad press here. As you said, he thanked absolutely everyone and I think he was so wrapped up and worried about everyone else, he took you, his mum for granted to such an extent that he forgot to mention all your invaluable input. This can easily happen if mother and child are very close. So close in fact, they are a taken for granted fixture. I believe you are his rock. If I were you, I would put all of this down to his nerves on the day and the fact that he feels that you‘ll always be there for him no matter what and whilst a publicly announced thank you may have made you feel vindicated in all that you do, the omission does not mean he does not care. Saying ‚Thank you‘ is often an expression of etiquette and a polite gesture, not to be confused with affection for someone. Don‘t be too cut up about it. Just let it go if you can.

I disagree - every wedding I’ve been to the groom, or best man or bride if she made a speech thanked parents, friends - especially if they had travelled far, etc etc - in fact there are more thanks than the average Oscar acceptance speech.

Im sorry, but no... He probably spend forever to write the speech and at no bloody point did he think to thank his mother? It's a super dick move and either he treats his mother as a doormat and has no respect, or he's very cruel. Things like these don't just happen. It's not even just the speech, have you actually read the post and saw how crappy OP was treated the whole time in the runup to the wedding?
I do think OP should let him know what a nob he was, and then leave him to fend for himself and see how he likes not having that support anymore. Maybe he will value her a bit more or at all.

I haven't read all the comments. And it may be that my comment is besides the point.
But.... you helped to fund the purchase of the engagement ring!!!! Wtaf?!
I would find this very awkward and uncomfortable as the receipient of said ring.
Might just be me, but if he couldn't even afford that part, the wedding should have been kept to within their budget, without needing to only thank those at the wedding who paid for it.
Your feelings are entirely valid, and I'm very sorry you are left feeling like you are.
I known there is a lot more to this, but that's the bit that stood out to me.
Sending love OP ❤️

I’m mum of sons, so I sympathise. I’m sending you virtual flowers and a massive hug @MyPunnyHedgehog . ❤️💐❤️

@MyPunnyHedgehog They say that eaten bread is soon forgotten and your son fits the bill for this.

I wouldn't say anything to him at all because he isn't going to suddenly apologise for being so hurtful. Instead, he's going to try and justify himself-twisting this way and that until he is satisfied he has done nothing wrong and you will be crushed further.

It might even be that the situation is made worse, as he will convince himself that you must be punished and he might cut contact with your grandchild.

Instead, I would stop helping him as much-next time he wants money say you haven't got it. Next time he wants you to take time off work to help him, say you cannot take the risk. Next time he wants something doing at short notice, say you have a headache.

When he wants you to look after his child, do it only if it suits you.

You have made a rag rub of yourself_I understand why- and he has taken you at your own valuation.. Maybe give him a little test by asking him fo do something for you. See if he will do it willingly and with good grace.

He will only miss the water when the well has run dry and will appreciate it more when the water is back on, after having had a period when he couldn't rely on it just being there.

This is bollocks, I'm afraid.

I was so sad to read what happened to you. I would definitely speak to your son calmly to tell him how you feel about the speech and the hen do. Your feelings are as valid as your son's need for a happy life.
After you have said your piece ask your son to cast his mind forward 20+ years. Your son and his wife are at their son's wedding and he totally omits thanks for his mother & father in his speech. Also he is asked to forgo attending the stag do to look after a child.
Don't cut your nose of to spite your face afterwards but I wouldn't ever book leave from work to care for your grandson. You have worth - don't dismiss your worth to keep the peace. This is a lesson your son needs to heed. Good luck! 🍀

Sorry, I know he’s your son but he’s an awful person who uses you. Is there a neutral family member who can have a chat with him?

Am so sorry OP you must feel so hurt but I would address it with him and tell him how you feel .it is unacceptable if he did not think to thank you because he has taken you for granted for so long but do you think he may have made a mistake as speeches can be stressful and nerve wracking?

Some sons are just so thoughtless they border on cruel, I know, I have one.
OP, I have no advice to give, I just want you to know I feel so very sorry for the way you have been treated.
You sound like a mum to be proud of, you have done everything and more to make your son and his wife happy, you are brilliant.

Yeah big oversight on your son's part does sound like they use you as and when they feel like it.
I get you don't want to have a fall out but you need to have a word with your son about the speech the babysitting last minute etc,if he takes the huff so be it but it's better than sitting letting it fester.

He sounds most likely oblivious instead of cruel, because you've obviously been a good example of kindness throughout his life. As you say he has a growing child himself. I don't doubt a realisation and mortification lie in his future when he finally reflects on how much you've done for him.

This happened at my husbands sons wedding. His sons speech thanked everyone bar his dad who actually paid for the wedding. He was very upset at the time but never said anything to anyone but me.

That's deeply hurtful and I would have been completely gutted. Somebody (not you) should take him aside and rip him a new one.

You handled it with grace and elegance.

How awful, stuff like this makes me really angry! Your son should know better at his age, and you really should tell him exactly how he's made you feel otherwise he'll just carry on treating you like crap.

@MyPunnyHedgehog I would really look into resetting your own boundaries, because you come across as having none.

We love our children, we forgive our children, we’ll always put them first, but it’s also our responsibility to teach them right from wrong. At 31 we’re done with educating them, but they should still know to show respect and care, yours is a fully grown man.

It looks like you both could look at yourselves and change accordingly.