Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

Im heartbroken for you, what a selfish pair. Although this is directly your sons behaviour it’s still supported by his wife, she would know it was mean to ask you to cancel your place on the hen do to babysit.

It sounds like you’ve been through a really hard time for the last year as well!! I have some stuff in my family that upsets me and it’s so hard when you can’t turn the clock back and get that time again :-(

Glad someone else thinks the same way I do. Most posts are about putting on a brave face in fear of alienating the son. It would have to be a very fragile relationship if OP telling her son she didn’t appreciate being left off the list of thank you’s would alienate him.

I certainly wouldn’t be getting others to tell him for me and I wouldn’t be telling him with a smile on my face. The one thing I’m not though is a sulker so it would be said, apology would be accepted and then it would be forgotten.

My DD's wedding wasn't dissimilar but in my case exh spoke and didn't mention me at all, dd at least did apologise after and said it was a cheek as he didn't actually do most of the things he talked about in the speech, I did!

I do think you need to say something directly to your son OP, arrange to meet up for a drink just the two of you and have your say, calmly and without drama but let him know all the things you did leading up to your wedding and that you feel taken for a bit of a mug. Then dial back on being quite so readily available to him, no more calling in sick to babysit for a start.
Unfortunately this is the way of the world now, people who give to others quietly and without attention seeking get stepped on and overlooked. Your son owes you an apology!

Exactly, I would deal with this myself in a very unemotional way, and with zero 'apologies' for raising it, would expect an apology and would then move on. We have very real relationships in our family, things are generally raised, dealt with more or less and then moved on from. This kind of pussy footing and terror of making another adult especially feel anything other than 100% good about themselves is a receipe for misunderstandings, resentments and far from bringing people closer, keeps them at a polite distance. OP, you are clearly a lady and an exceptionally good and well meaning person but time to shake things up a bit methinks. Your son and his wife are treating you like a piece of furniture.

I think the issue is that the OP needs to change her behaviour, regardless of whether her son apologises. I don’t think the OP is necessarily an utterly ‘good and well-meaning person’ — or she may well be, but it’s not necessarily indicated by her life of service to her adult son. It’s not entirely clear what’s going on, but one possible reading of the situation is that she thinks she will never see her grandchild unless she’s available 24/7 for childcare, including during her working week, and when she’s committed to another event. Or she’s terrified of other people’s disapproval. Being unable to say ‘Sorry, not free, I’m working ‘ or ‘That won’t work for me — what about Saturday?’ Is no way to live.

Yes I think that is maybe where the OP’s family dynamics differ in that we keep it real too. My boys (young adult) have always known if they’ve upset me, I don’t martyr myself. It’s resulted in keeping things real and I think it will continue in the future as they get to other stages in their life. We always know where we stand.

OP sounds like a lovely mum and gran but maybe far too much people pleasing, which usually ends up with the pleaser getting hurt.

The thing with me is I don’t suffer in silence and I think it’s stood me well.

referencing the 'have my say and then it's all forgotten and we can move on' brigade , I'm not sure if this is entirely true. Sometimes things linger and change the relationship entirely.
On the one hand I realise that in not saying anything, resentments still linger on in the mind of the 'victim' and there has been no clarification or apology, but on the other hand there is no awkwardness remaining clouding the relationship going forward.
I think for me I would have to mention some things if they were particularly hurtful or offensive, but others I would just leave without saying anything. I'm a big believer in 'choose your battles'

Of course you have to choose your battles but the cumulative effect of recent behaviours - the speech being just the latest example - would make this a battle both worthy and necessary to have, at least in my book. The OP's son and wife are walking all over her already, she doesn't need to wait for them to grind her into the floor to say 'enough'.

Honestly, it takes a brave MIL to stand up to a newly married son. In our society it feels as if MILS are despised by most younger women. You only have to see the threads on here to see how many women make it very difficult for adult men to have a close relationship with their birth families. MN loves mums as long as they are from the female side of the family. One poster admitted recently that she talks or texts her Mum multiple times a day about anything and everything. Lots of other posters complimented her on her close bond with her mother. Yet so many threads are about horrible MILS and any man who regularly sees his mother is labelled a Mummy's Boy.
I know I didn't dare challenge my son over our omission from his wedding speech. Neither did he thank his 93 year old Grandma who had travelled hundreds of miles to see them marry. The slightest hint of a criticism and MN advises low contact ( there might be inheritance) or no contact.
My advice is pick your battles. Ignoring rudeness means you get to see your lovely grandson. That is worth an awful lot of turning the other cheek.

@theleafandnotthetree
yes, I tend to agree in this case

Something similar happened to me with my sister. It wasn't speeches it was her conduct on the wedding day and then after it and putting photographs up.

She didn't come near me through entire time of the wedding, didn't speak to me, no pics nothing. Completely ignored me on the dance floor.

Then put photographs up of every single member of our family who went the wedding except me. It really hurt my feelings.

She bought a relative jewellery to say thank you for the help but not me and I helped with all wedding tasks and help with everything in her life.

I can't look at her now.

This is dreadful, really really sad. You sound like a lovely mum and mum in law too, I wish you were mine. It isn’t your daughter in laws fault but I would have made sure my husband thanked his mum if she done half of what you do. To be honest I wouldn’t rock the boat, you have a lovely relationship with your grandson and that matters more.

Get a family member or friend to ket hom know how badly he has behaved

Don't worry about it. Mothers always get taken for granted. His speech thanked the people who didn't matter to him, which is easy to do. It's much harder to talk about the people who matter.
You will be the one he thinks about for the rest of his life.

Sadly you've answered your own question. You've spoilt him and so everything you do for him/then is totally taken for granted. You should tell him how he made you feel in the hope that he learns for the future, stop being a doormat and start saying no from time to time. Strong message needed but I'm sorry did this to you - you deserved better

Send him a copy of your mumsnet post. He probably has no idea of what his behaviour feels like to you.
if he comes to you and tries to make up for it then all well and good. If not, then you should withdraw your services until he wakes up. I’m afraid young people (and I include those in their 30s and 40s) can be entirely wrapped up in themselves to the exclusion of all else.
When it comes to what parents do for them then they take it for granted, which it is - literally: we grant it to them. Entirely as it should be but after a certain age it should cut both ways!

My heart actually broke for you reading that 😞 I would ask if there was any reason he chose to leave you out? I'm hoping like others have said, nerves got the better of him and he thought he had included you. I very much hope so x

Become unavailable when needed from now on

Your son is a selfish wanker who takes you for granted.

As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work

Ffs why would do this?! Madness!

Did your son actually have his speech planned out as in written notes or did he do it off the top of his head? He might have just forgotten in the moment. My husband forgot to mention his dad in his wedding speech and he felt terrible, but he'd had the flu before the wedding and never got a chance to write a speech out so it was all done in the moment.

please dont let this slide. This is just awful. you are being walked all over. please discuss this. Hell, share this post. write a letter. have a friend share it anonymously. anything. tou don't deserve this

Oh wow, op. I'm so sorry to hear this. What an absolute arsed your son is. He has treated you so badly. And the hen do too - that's really shit.

Sending gentle hugs.

I'd step right back from them, don't get in touch, no babysitting, and tell your son how disappointed in him you are.

This. What a thoughtless twat. OP, you sound lovely and they're lucky to have you. X

This happened to my mum when my brother got married. He thanked his new wife, her parents, his best man etc. But his own mum wasn't mentioned at all.
She was very upset. In their case though there were a number of issues and his new wife did not get on with her.
There are two things I reckon are pertinent in your case. The first is that your son did not mention you because he was too busy covering all bases with the new family and wedding participants and didn't think you would need reassuring (although we all do!) but there is little doubt that he will have run his speech past his partner and she will have noticed the glaring omission. You may have an issue there. Perhaps she feels you are too helpful and boundaries may need looking at. The pity is that it was not discussed and had to come out that way.
I would tackle it directly and if you are brave enough, maybe discuss it with both of them together. To do this though, you would need to be calm and it will depend on the kind of person your new daughter in law is. If she is determined to undermine your relationship with your son this approach won't work and you may be gaslighted.
To your son you need to emphasize the hurt, rather than the anger, although you are justified in feeling both. Your son needs to understand that you feel confused and betrayed. That if he wants you to back off that is fine too but that it shouldn't have been done like that.
Good luck!