Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

I’ve read some of the comments on here and I really don’t think it’s appropriate or kind to be calling OP’s son names. OP is hurt and disappointed by his actions but he is still her son. I’m sure OP does not like the name calling, any parent wouldn’t.

Who told you you need to smile at all times?

Your entire post is full of ‘I took it with a smile’, ‘put a smile on my face’ etc. these are the words of a martyr.

Tell your son it upset you that he didn’t mention you. Don’t present him with a list of everything you’ve done for him ‘with a smile’. Just tell him he hurt your feelings. The only way forward is honesty.

You sound like an amazing, supportive, selfless mum. Your son and DIL are selfish and ungrateful.

i think you were right not to “spoil” the wedding by raising it then.

I’d just quietly step back from being available to help at the drop of a hat.

This, good advice
You have every right to be hurt OP and there aren't any words to make it better.
Grandson is very lucky to have you as his nan, nothing will change that,
I'm not trying to defend your son but I think it is likely to be thoughtlessness above anything else. That doesn't make it right.
Take care

I am afraid that I have a relative who is just like that. It is unfathomable. It is like they have something vital missing from their brain.

Don't worry, you sound lovely, so I just know life is going to bring some really beautiful karma your way. Remember my words when it does! xxx

This

Stop plastering on a smile and being such a pushover. They treat you badly and you let them, put a stop to it.

Do you have a friend who could have a word with your DS?
He could be totally oblivious to the hurt he has caused and he needs to be told he was a dickhead. If you raise this with him, it may come across as bitter (to which I think you are entitled to be).
Sounds like he takes you completely for granted

Your son is a very unpleasant man and should be ashamed of himself. I would be taking a step back and not making myself available and stop doing things for them. They are taking you for granted. I wouldn't say anything to him myself - if a 31 year old needs to be told what he has done is wrong and hurtful then there is no hope for him.

Totally agree with what @Raspberryfrizzbies788 says here. If you tackle him yourself and say “Well x and y also noticed” He will think you’ve been talking about him. It needs to come from someone else or maybe a couple of people of different people.
Wow op I’d be absolutely heartbroken. Do you think it’s possible he just didn’t thank you because he thinks you know how grateful he is for what you do. I mean do they thank you and show they appreciate your help?
Awful to make you cancel your place on the hen too! They can’t have only just realised they needed a sitter unless I have read it incorrectly.
You are one tough lady but clearly very hurt xx

I'd forgive the lack of a thank you in the speeches. I would not forgive the hen do business.

However, under no circumstances would I miss work for the sake of childcare. I do think you neednto put some boundaries in place. I say that as a MIL with a DIL.

You sound like a wonderful person. I am so sorry you were treated that way and you don't get the consideration you so richly deserve. Good luck for the future.

There is no way that you’d be purposely missed out the wedding speech unless there is something you’re not telling us/ admitting to yourself. I’d have a think about that, especially when her parents were mentioned

I see this happening with a female relative of mine and its horrible to watch - her kids taking advantage especially with childcare.

But i have to admit I do see the scenario as an outsider and think she does make herself a bit too available. I think the key is putting in boundaries and being up front about it.

Youve set a precendent where you are basically childcare for them. If you pull back without saying anything they will get the hump and feel let down.

I suggest telling them you want to talk about something and calmly explain you how you felt at the wedding and how its made you realise that you are maybe doing too much. Suggest (again, calmly) you scale back childcare a bit and they find other means and up the amount of family time - ie quality time spent with you, them and your grandkid.

I think @MyPunnyHedgehog you need to explain how it made you feel. It sounds like you have been trying to make up for your DE’s Dad going. You also let them off paying for things and also go sick from work - I think that sends the message he only has to snap his fingers and you will come running. I think your own self esteem has been knocked and building it back up will help send a message that you are to be respected not walked over.

That sounds really awful. You have went above and beyond, it seems like they are taking you for granted. I would start treating them the same way they treat you.

OP it could of course be that he is unthinking due to having been spoiled by you for years. He does seem to take you for granted. Maybe it’s because you have been a team of two for so long and he sees you as very much part of himself, always on his side and ready to help. Or maybe he was missing the guidance from a male role model of importance to him.
i know it sounds unlikely but could it be possible that he was unwilling to mention a thanks to you in case he actually became too emotional and broke down, unable to finish his speech.

I agree with you that it can’t be undone.
There could be any number of poor excuses afforded for him but you really did deserve better.
I hope that in all the chat together afterwards about how successful their wedding had been, they can both come to the realisation themselves that they made a grave error in not giving you the thanks you so deserve.

Seems to me that you've done too much, in some ways. So he arrogantly expects your unending support. Fuck that, time for Mr Married man to step up. Step providing him with anything. I mean it. You've done loads. Step back and live your life again. He's a big boy, right? Let him prove it and show some fucking gratitude for you.

They're taking the piss be less available

Agree with above PP- be less available.
stop going out of your way, only babysit when you want to and when it suits you. No phoning in sick to work or cancelling plans to bend over backwards for them. They clearly don’t appreciate it.

You sound like an amazing mum/grandmother.

Let them take the time off work for childcare, they are the parents after all.

If the Op has done something wrong,( which is what I think that you are suggesting ) why would they allow her to look after their child?

Dear OP what is your relationship with your son like or an average day? Is he helpful and kind to you, are you close and do you get on well and have fun when you spend time together?
Personally I think there's a lot of pressure on people to get everything perfect on a wedding day when really it’s just one pretty full on day. As another poster said having to make a speech is often something people dread and they can easily mess up by just trying to get through it feeling like a bunny in the headlights.
It would have been very nice if your son had expressed appreciation for you but I’m not sure how much we can expect back from our children? Perhaps your son is a bit insensitive just by virtue of his character it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. He feels secure in your love but a bit worried about making a good impression on the inlaws so he’s focused on them. It seems likely that he wasn’t looking forward to having to make a speech.
It sounds like you’ve done an amazing job bringing him up and you should feel extremely proud of that but I don’t know whether we can expect to get that much back eg. in terms of thank yous apart from the privilege of being a parent and how wonderful that experience is. It’s more about giving than receiving isn’t it.
Maybe it’s best not to do things for your son that you don’t actually enjoy or want to do hoping for his gratitude, better just to do the things you can give freely without any expectation.
I’m really sorry you’ve had such a tough time lately, I hope you will be more giving to yourself going forward. I don’t think it’s worth saying anything to your son about his speech but it could be good to be more forthright about how you feel in the future eg. if you are tired or need some help from him let him know so you don’t get burnt out. Sending hugs.

I would start by asking your son if there was a reason he omitted you from the wedding speech and go from there.