Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

I can understand your hurt OP but well done for not saying / showing it on the day - it wouldn't have been the time. Hopefully it was a genuine oversight not him being ungrateful - my own dad accidentally skipped some of his note cards at my wedding and realised afterwards he'd missed most of the bits that actually mentioned me! I didn't even notice at the time - I was too grateful he was even doing a speech as I wouldn't think public speaking was his thing.

Or maybe your son used some guide to what to include that only discussed on thanking the parents of the bride in an old fashioned way and just didn't really think about it.

However, if you think he shows lack of gratitude in other ways, I would maybe be a bit less helpful in future - it sounds like you drip everything for them very easily.

And if it is still festering, perhaps it is worth getting off your chest to him.

Oh OP that was difficult to read and must have been incredibly hurtful. I’m guessing her never meant to hurt you but omitting to mention you was thoughtless and it sounds like they take you for granted.
What you don’t want OP is to carry this around with you and feel resentful for the rest of your life. You have to talk to him. Forget asking or expecting someone else to. You to tell him or it will taint things in the future. Say to him ‘son, I love you and would do anything for you but you really hurt me on your wedding day by mentioning other family members and not me. It makes me think you take things for granted that I do for you both’. Then see what he says. If he has any shred of human decency he’ll beg forgiveness and he should be treating you to a meal or big bunch of flowers! Don’t let it fester.

Absolutely, this struck me too. Most people would be quick to do so, finding it easier to blame someone other than their own child. That the OP hasn't is very much to her credit and is indicative of what a kind and emotionally intelligent person she is. But for what it's worth OP, I think you also have a right to be aggrieved with her also, she does not come out of it at all well either - the hen night business, the last minute childcare, the thoughtlessness around leaving you with very little time to get ready on the morning of the wedding.

If my husband had said that little about his mum in his wedding speech I would have been mortified and really told him off for it afterwards

I'm sorry OP, I would have cried too. You didn't deserve that. I would definitely talk to him, he needs to know how hurt you were and how unacceptable that is. I would even tell him you're going to take a step back now as you've realised what you mean to him.

Grooms don't show the bride their speech. That said he should've sort advice from someone on who to thank if he didn't know.

We've been to weddings where it's like a tv awards, they seem to thank everyone they know. To leave out a dm is absolutely hurtful amd also a bit weird. He's either thick or unpleasant.

Late to the thread but just wanted to say, OP, I would be devastated if I were you. I'm so sorry, and fair play for holding it together on the day. It sounds like a spiteful thing to do, but I hope that wasn't the intention.

He obviously takes you for granted, and he needs to be told that what he did by omitting you was completely unacceptable. 💐

I know others are telling you to pull back but that to me is cutting your nose off to spite your face - you love your family and want to be with them and just want to be wanted and appreciated.

They are taking the piss though.

You're his mother, he is your son, and you should be able to speak to him about all of this. Try to come from a place of love so that it doesn't end up in a row but you are well within your rights to express your hurt at his thoughtlessness.

Good luck op and sending hugs

I agree with this. I would tell him myself, not get someone else to do it as that conversation could go anywhere in your absence. I know that if this happened to me my son would be very apologetic and would get me flowers and apologise again, so hopefully your son will do the same or similar.

I think the best way to approach it is to put it down to nerves, forget as best you can and move on. Do not bring it up unless he does. It could be he thought he had mentioned you and would mortified. It is not worth causing a rift. Everyone knows, not least your son and DIL that you are a great mum.

What I would do is get on with your own hobbies and friends and withdraw a bit. You are very invested in this role of being the wonderful selfless mum. It sounds like you are being taken for granted as the never complaining mum and grandma and they are taking the piss a bit.

But you also need to accept that you are not going to be the most important person in his life again, although he is in yours.

You need to spend more time with friends or other relatives and nurture those relationships.

Big hugs for you. It's completely understandable you feel that way x

I would speak to him x

I think Id find it very hard to do this without seething with resentment but perhaps the OP is a better person than me. I also think that as his mother there is still a role for gently pointing out where he has fucked up - parents in the past who did nothing like so much for their children as is typical now would have thought nothing of correcting their adult children. Of course some of this was wildly interfering and overstepping but I think we have gone too far in the other direction where mother's in particular are expected to be endlessly sacrificing and supportive decade after decade after decade, say very little and in some cases get scant care or attention themselves. It's not right for the OP and not good for the son to go along thinking this is an ok way to treat anyone, least of all his wonderful mother. My mother rarely 'interferes' but when she does I listen and she is usually right because she is a good woman of excellent values and life experience.

Bless your heart. I do feel for you.

My sisters Ex DH did it to me. They had an afternoon tea which I catered for them, and he thanked everyone there except me. I was hurt.

This is so painful to read. I’m so sorry. If what’s going on is what I’m thinking I don’t believe he’ll even know he’s done anything wrong. It sounds like he’s treating you like you’re the tank of your family. If anything goes wrong you’ll blast through it and you’ll reliably be there. It’s a very thankless role but I imagine if someone took him out of himself and got his true feelings I imagine what he would say would be too much to be confined to a wedding snippet. This would come across in how his wife treats you. I imagine she thinks of you quite highly. It would also provoke possibly jealousy from her family that may need compensation in a wedding speech possibly?

The woman's certainly been glad of the OP's help and financial contributions to their lives. Maybe she's one of the awful women who think she's now his closest relative as we saw the other day in another thread.
The OP should think of the positive side of her son's awful behaviour, she will have a lot more time and money to herself when she learns to say NO.

🌸 You sound lovely 🌸. Sorry but they have been taking the piss out of you. I would have to say something.

Sending a big hug OP!
Your son was very thoughtless but perhaps it was nerves and trying to please his in laws.

You were strong and brave. Someone needs to tell him that he hurt you though.

Please don’t call in sick for your grandchild though. Your job matters and you are in danger of being a doormat.

I would be hurt too OP, but I wonder if your son doesn’t feel the need to publicly specifically thank you, because he feels his gratitude is a given. I never tell my Mum I love her, nor does she tell me she loves me, but we both know how important we are to each other. It doesn’t need to be said. Maybe that’s how your son felt.

Has your DS ever said thank you to you for anything? Ever?

Sometimes a child can see you almost so much as part of them and always there and with them forever and so dutiful as to forget that you exist as a separate entity yourself. I'm so sorry OP.

It sounds like you have a very giving and trusting relationship with your DS. Perhaps you could let him know gently that you felt hurt, that you give so much and you never ask for anything in return because you love him so much - but just occasionally, it would be nice to be acknowledged. Especially at such a big event.

The problem is, nowadays, weddings are such big fancy highly emotive events with lots of money and effort put behind them that there are very high stakes at most and things can go wrong.

It's not like how it used to be OP, when things were a bit more low key and expectations all round were lower. Nonetheless, he should have included you.

I would say something like "Hey (son's name), is there a reason you didn't mention me in the speech, did I do something to upset you? I felt really hurt" and see what he says

My approach would have been to go straight to the bar and get a pint. Then straight to his (presumably top) table, and say “Here son, I’ve got you a drink!”. Then I’d have hurled it over him.

I’m not known for tact, so, a strong message.

I’m astonished at the way people pussyfoot around these situations.

I really feel for you, OP. I would definitely mention it to my son, but actually I'd prefer it if someone else said it, as well.

I went to a wedding where the speech on one side didn't mention anyone except their child and believe me, everyone notices and they certainly do judge the speaker.

I disagree with you on one point - the bride is also guilty of bad behaviour as well as your son. They have both taken you for granted. Fancy asking you to forfeit your hen place.

You have literally been used and used. I really feel for you. What is your usual relationship like with them? Do they thank you when you babysit etc.

I realise you want to maintain a good relationship with your ds and dil for the sake of your grandson but next time they ask you to babysit I’d be telling them to ask the woman who made the cake or someone else for whom they showed appreciation in the speech!

OP, you sound like such a lovely family-centred person so you are right to be upset that your son didn't mention you in his speech. You did the right thing on the day but I would certainly be pulling him aside for a chat on his own as soon as that is possible. I would also cut back on being so available. That will likely be hard for you to do but on this case absence should make his heart grow stronger.

Oh that sounds incredibly hurtful OP.
If it makes you feel any better though, when I got married, my (now Very much ex) husband didn't even mention me once in his speech.