Should a 19 year old work?

[Northerngirl89]

My stepson is 19. He's home from uni for the summer. For months, it has been suggested he gets a job, with lots of offers of support for help with his cv, etc. but he just gets annoyed and says "if you tell me to get a job, I won't"

The same as before he went to uni, now he's back, he spends all day in bed or playing video games.

Is this normal?

When I was 19 I was at uni working 30 hours a week in a bar during the term and 45+ in reading weeks and holidays. I've had a paid job of some form since I was 12 so the not doing anything just doesn't compute with me.

I don't think it's good for him to do nothing for 3ish months all summer. Or is it?

For context, he does nothing around the house e.g. doesn't cook or clean etc. or contribute financially.

Today me and DH have been at work so all my stepson has eaten is a left over Easter egg as he couldn't be bothered to cook (there is plenty of food in the fridge)

We don't have a huge amount of disposable income and it doesn't seem fair that me and DH work full time for him to do nothing and contribute nothing.

Or is this normal? Parents of nearly-20-year olds what do you expect from them?

Neither of ours have a summer job this year. DD (21) got a good internship last summer and still has money saved from her gap year. She's applied for election work local to her uni and won't be home till after if she gets some. Her other applications this year have been unsuccessful. I don't worry about her work ethic and have suggested she can help us plan some necessary projects at home.

DS isn't 19 till next month. Hasn't as far as I know applied for anything for the summer. But, he is a composer and won some prizemoney earlier in the year for this, is trying to find out how to start monetising his work more systematically. He's home next week some time for a bit but has just let me know about another competition he wants to write an entry for. After that there's a choir tour. When he's then back we will be having some serious discussions about money and the obtaining of it though! Having said that, he has also warned us that he's got a lot of study he wants to do to finish mastering this year's work ready for next year. I'm a bit worried that he isn't juggling his music and his course (not music!) quite successfully enough. His career aspirations on the non-music side would benefit from a good internship and I hope we can help him have the confidence to apply for some next year.

DH and I tutored a lot when we were at uni, and I had lab-based jobs every summer. And by the time I turned 19 I was in my 2nd year. It's really hard to know where to draw the lines regarding support, study, constructive activity and earning activity. But, contributing at home is going to be an absolute.

I agree with you. My son is 19 too and will be back from uni next weekend. He gets minimum loan and we top up his income to the amount recommended by Martin Lewis, split over 10 months but nothing for July and August because he'll be home.

We didn't expect him to work termtime as he has ADHD and is doing a very full on course. But we do expect him to work over the summer. I've reminded him that unless he has saved any of his money he will have literally nothing to spend for the next 10-11 weeks. Annoyingly there are loads of jobs here (also a uni town) and he can use my car (second car) so transport isn't an issue. The uni sports centre has been advertising weekly for casual staff as all their student-staff are heading home. I send him this sort if info and as far as I know he does fuck all with it.

Even if he didn't need money for the summer his CV is going to look shit if it's obvious he couldn't even apply himself to casual work. So annoying.

He does cook for himself as he's vegan and we're not (and wash up his own stuff, grudgingly) but he doesn't do anything else!

His excuse so far is that there's no point getting a job because his girlfriend is coming to stay for 2 weeks in July and we're going on a family holiday for 2 weeks in August. I feel like telling him it's the last family holiday he'll be invited on with that attitude!

Sorry for the massive rant and derail!

Yes, he needs to be working. I don't buy all this "time off from studying hard" nonsense - I'm sure he managed to find lots of time for lying around and pub/club crawling when he's at Uni. My DS worked the Summer he left school at 18, then every following Summer, and then started a proper graduate full time job in the August just 3 weeks after graduating in July. One of his flatmates not only worked every holiday (Easter and Christmas as well as Summer), but also did a shift every Sunday throughout terms - all in Argos! Another flat mate worked on and off all term time in McDonalds. If they need money, then they need to work and not sponge!

Shucks one minute people are prepared to call 19 year olds adults. The next they say they are woefully naive. Keep them at home or push them out. 19 is young really, and they are vulnerable. Make the most of them while you can.

I’d tell him he’s an adult and you expect him to behave as an adult - working, house tasks, politeness, grown up communication. Give him a deadline - 2 months to get his shit together then you will make changes for him

What a lazy oaf. If he doesn't want the money then he should be doing voluntary work. Litter picking round your area if he can't think of anything better. (And don't tell me teens don't litter pick, one round the corner from us does so regularly).

My DC both worked from about 14 or 15, doing whatever was available. Cleaning, bar work, babysitting etc. I worked from 11, but the rules were different then, and largely ignored. I loved being able to afford things myself.

Spending the summer slumped over a screen is a waste of a life.

Why is he vulnerable? He's over 18 so an adult.

He sounds lazy. Not vulnerable. Why make the most of that?! 😂

Bloody hell, he needs a kick up the arse OP; no way is that normal ( in my view!)

DD is 19.5 and has finished her first year at university. She has been working since aged 17 and is working this summer, to pay her rent on next year's accommodation. When she's not working, she's either socialising or doing her chores in the house.

The least he could do, is learn some life skills or do voluntary work?

Agree totally. What do they do for cash?

Why are they vulnerable at 19?

DS(20) has just finished his second year of uni. I've discouraged term time work but he has worked fully over the summers and Christmas hols at a well known pub chain and had a 3 mth paid internship last summer. This year he has a month off sorting out accommodation and preparing to move for his industrial placement job starting next month. He's done all this off his own bat which is amazing really. We've had to help him out with the deposit and first month's rent though. What he likes is spending money and when he earns it, he can buy what he wants. I'm not complaining. Whatever motivates his work ethic!

Thanks everyone. Really useful advice

To answer the cash question, beyond birthday and Christmas, We don't give him money.

But then we do pay for him if we are out e.g. if we go to a pub for lunch, he'll order something relatively expensive and want a pint, but we pay. We obviously pay for the younger DCs so it would feel odd not to pay for him (but tbh when I was 19, i wouldn't dream of not getting a round in!). So he only pays for himself when we aren't out with him.

I have no idea how he's affording to not work and have extra cash. Maybe his mother is giving him more/another relative is on that side of the family is? If so, I hope they are prepared to do that forever, as I can't see him gaining some dramatic motivation on graduating when the job market is much, much tougher...

They are vulnerable at 19 but all that means is that as a parent you keep an eye on them and are there to help pick up the pieces if they make an error in judgment.

What it does NOT mean is that you molly coddle them and provide everything for them or else how will they ever mature and learn to stand on their own two feet.

So when my daughter got herself into credit card debt when she was living in an expensive city I was there to step in to provide a roof over her head whilst she sorted herself out. What I didn't do was pay her debts for her, she had to get a job and work out a payment plan (and cut up her credit card).

DS is also home from his first year. So far he's been putting away his stuff, getting his room straight and catching up with friends. He had a job before he went and that should start again next week. Today we've been busy and he's cooked the tea.

I think you need to have a chat with your DH about not finding his rent again. It's also ok to be the Villain sometimes.

DSS is an adult and should be able to accept that you can't give him money when you really can't afford to.

A different lens here for you OP, I'm recruiting for a grad job right now and had nearly 50 cv's in a week.

I sat with a few colleagues the other day and did an initial sift of the CV pile. 20 didn't have the right to work in the uk so they were out.

10 wanted double the pay as were offering so they were out.

That left us with 20. Of those, two obviously had an AI generated CV and 1 had shockingly poor grammar, down to 17.

The remaining only criteria we went on then was a general interest in our industry and work experience. 4 were tossed out for not having worked a single day in their life, ultimately we plumped for the ones that had done internships that were relevant.

It's harsh but when you're faced with a pile of 50 CV's an element of general work ethic demonstration comes into the mix.

@Dollyparton3 can I just ask why the applicants who had created their CVs with Ai were dismissed? Genuinely would like to know for when DC1 is applying for internships on October.

@Dollyparton3 this is good, to be shown the employer’s point of view,
but how is it harsh ? when, as illustrated by OP, a work ethic is essential,
lazyness (in any form) benefits no one.

They stood out from a miile off, sentences didn't flow very well, not clear on the point of some paragraphs etc.

I'm not dismissive of AI but there is an old school part of me that thinks that if this is your intro to a potential employer on a very complex client facing role then an AI CV screams 2 things. 1) I couldn't really be fudged to write it myself and b) I don't write proper so I fort I'd get the computer to do it innit?

At the very least a proofread could have corrected some big glaring errors + its about THEM so AI is a fob off really

I totally agree! Having had to sack a few grads that I didn't hire previously I'm a little more tuned into the ones that will ultimately flake on us. I nearly hired on the spot the one that told me in her interview last year that her proudest achievement was working an internship whilst doing her degree. She said it nearly broke her but it taught her how to prioritise, cope under pressure and it put her ahead of her peer group when it came to demonstrating to potential employers what she could bring to the party.

She got promoted a few weeks ago hence we're now hiring for her line report.

Last time we hired we had over 150 cv's in a fortnight and interviewed the top 10 only so standing out is essential. A degree alone doesn't do that sadly, and that's about 50% of the grads we see

If it helps as an added tip, the ones that wrote us a cover letter saying why they want to work for us get extra bonus points. We know their cv's have to go far and wide so sometimes a sift of CV's can knock out even the most diligent candidates.

It doesn't have to be huge but a couple of sentences saying "I know that Dolly's company is heavily invested in collaboration with x types of company and I'm aware of your report on Y" will get them an interview pretty much guaranteed.

Our DDs have both worked for a local cafe from 13- currently one does 3 days in a distribution job the other an outdoor instructor - both are home from uni - they both love to travel and nice things - if they want expensive phones/games consoles, etc they buy their own.

When they work full time - they'll be paying either board - or saving that amount. the choice will be theirs.

No they wouldn't be allowed to sit home all summer

All 3 of my daughters are working this summer. Two have started already and the third has a job lined up for when she gets back. My ds who is 16 and just finished GCSEs is looking for a job too (not too hard, admittedly)

I also expect (possibly in vain) them to help around the house - they will walk dogs, cook dinner occasionally and help with the cleaning on a weekend.

As someone who used to hire grads, ones with work experience (even if it was "just" stacking shelves or waiting tables) were streets ahead in terms of skill and appeal. All grads are sufficiently bright according to whatever academic threshold the company sets, so what differentiates them is other skills and qualities which make them much more likely to get quickly to the "delivers more than they cost" benchmark. A candidate who successfully held down a job at Tesco has verified evidence of decent timekeeping, self-discipline, workplace social skills. They're unlikely to think they're too good for the relatively menial tasks that grads start on. They're likely to need significantly less of the exhausting, boring hand holding and socialisation to an office environment that is by far the most time-consuming and wearying part of hiring graduates.

I think whether people have worked during the university holidays (or in term-time) depends on a lot of factors, eg economic situation at the time, where you live, whether you can get work experience/internships - and whether they want/need money I suppose, too! I think a lot of boys don't spend the same as girls, who often want new clothes etc.

I did a mix of very short term paid work (eg a couple of weeks) and unpaid work experience when I was at university and went for weeks at a time with no work.

My ds is doing some paid part-time work at the moment and has a chance of some more graduate related work experience in August.

Temporary events work can be good eg working at an event like Goodwood, or working at the election if you can get on your council's books and they need anyone.

As someone who used to hire grads, ones with work experience (even if it was "just" stacking shelves or waiting tables) were streets ahead in terms of skill and appeal

I am quite relieved to see this because I was reading an article the other day saying that graduate employers don't like employing people from retail etc jobs and I was wondering how the heck you are meant to eat if you can't work in retail or non graduate work while you look for the elusive entry level graduate job!