DD’s boyfriend staying with us

[Menora]

My DD20 a long term boyfriend who is away at university. He is a lovely lad and comes from a bit of a shit background and he’s found out he has nowhere to live back home anymore.

I have always welcomed him into our home but my older DD22 is not happy about him staying with us. It would only be occasionally as he lives up at uni, he has a job and living accommodation there but obviously he has my DD20 and all his friends here during holidays or weekend breaks. My DD20 is upset for him and feels bad (it’s not his fault he has nowhere to stay here anymore) and has asked if he can come stay with us sometimes. He wouldn’t be moving all his stuff in.

I would do the same for DD22 if she needed help with something like this but she doesn’t want to share the house with a teenage lad. He is respectful, helpful and doesn’t cause any problems. I think DD22 just feels generally uncomfortable as we only have 1 main bathroom but DD20 and her BF just stay in their room most of the time or go out, so they aren’t invading the house.

Both my DD’s pay a small rent as they both work but they can’t afford to move out yet. DD20 will probably go off with boyfriend when he leaves uni as they plan to travel/work so she’s only going to be home another couple of years.

I just want everyone to be happy and can’t turn my back on a young lad who doesn’t have supportive parents it doesn’t feel right? WWYD?

So she will never have a partner stay over either I assume?

Of he was dreadful but you say he is a lovely lad then obviously it’s understandable but what’s her actual issue with it?

Is there some massive backstory?

That's really tough op,so hard to try and keep everyone happy.

I'd let him stay, over the summer they'll All probably be out and about most of the time anyway.

If I'm honest I'd prefer DD21 boyfriend didn't stay over. He's a lovely lad but I'd prefer to be able to walk around in my undies and leave the bathroom door ajar. But it's her home, he's her boyfriend, and he's always welcome. I'm afraid your other DD doesn't get to dictate this.

Personally I'd be questioning DD1 ethics and why she would be happy to see a young man with no where to stay, see her sister miserable and possibly sofa surfing around friends houses to stay with her boyfriend.
I get you need to find a balance here. I can see one DD being upset no matter what you do unfortunately.
Good Luck OP.

Yeah this.

If your DD was in her teens I'd say no to having him stay. But she's a 22 year old adult woman.
Let him stay OP. The poor bloke has nowhere to go and if he's a nice lad who's respectful, I don't see why not.

'It would only be occasionally as he lives up at uni, he has a job and living accommodation there but obviously he has my DD20 and all his friends here during holidays or weekend breaks.'

Would he be staying for the whole holidays, or just occasional weekends? It's not clear from your OP, as both are mentioned.

I would do what you believe is right, which in this instance is to allow him to stay. It's your house. Not up to DD2.

I would probably agree for a trial period of the summer holidays but with clear understanding that it doesn't mean a permanent arrangement. Then see how it goes.

I'd be applauding DD1 putting herself first. Why is it unethical for her to put her comfort before some bloke her sister is going out with? Too many be kind doormats who play NPC in their own lives.

Then DD22 needs to understand this goes both ways, she says no to him staying over she never gets to have any boyfriend stay over either. I don't think she has thought this through especially if the boy's parents take the same stance so they will never spend a night together unless they go to a hotel or move out of their parental homes.

This isn't just a case of him staying with his girlfriend but he has nowhere to stay away from uni. I think it is a bit shitty to be honest on her part.

@ohdelay at 22 paying token rent she doesn't get to dictate what happens. In fact neither of the DDs do.
At 22 with a job she has lots of options she could explore to find complete comfort.

They can both ask and share concerns about the situation but ultimately it comes down to OP, someone will be upset no matter what the outcome is.

I'd still be questioning why she'd be happy to see someone potentially on the streets and her sister possibly follow.

@Menora How long is this situation likely to last? As a PP has asked what are the long term plans now this lads life has been turned on it's head.
I would be happy to help out but not indefinitely.

I would be questioning dd2 morals if she's happy for someone to be homeless when not at uni to be honest.

It's your house

If she doesn't like it she can always move out and pay all her own bills elsewhere

It is the homeowner's decision and she isn't keen for him to move in either. DD22 can move out if she doesn't like the final decision, but she doesn't have to pretend she is okay with him moving in if she isn't.

His housing situation really isn't her problem. His potential homelessness, sofa surfing, living away from his chosen city or however he decides to address his own issues is not her problem. She can say no and express her feelings without being a bad person. She doesn't have to put herself out for him. He can be the loveliest lad in the world and she still doesn't have to be okay sharing her home with him.
Be kind is bullshit ladies, you have one life and you should really be living it for yourself.

Can you seek out a more permanent tempory home for him?
Is there a neighbour who would be keen to rent out a room for the duration of the long holidays, or a local orchard or similar that would offer accommodation and part time work for the longer break?

Then he would be just accompanying your DD2 for some shorter stays.
Look for alternatives.

Yes, this. I wouldn’t want to be sharing a house with an unrelated teenager, regardless of why.

I believe in doing good by people where possible ( karma is a charma). I would at least trial it and speak to DD1 about life - how it's kinder to some than others and those of us who can should help on at least an occasional basis

Has your older DD indicated why she’s not happy? I suspect there is more to this - something you might not be aware of.

How long would he be staying for and will he be contributing is the next consideration.

It’s all very well saying he’s a lovely lad and you don’t want to see him homeless but there are plenty of threads on here from exasperated parents who have let a child’s partner move in or are worried they’ve inadvertently trapped their child into a relationship they no longer want but are guilted into staying in.

Don't agree with this, he's not some random kid, it's a serious relationship and he's therefore closer to being a brother in law than an unrelated randomer.

The only backstory is that DD1 finds him annoying. They all used to work together and BF and DD1 personalities clashed a little. They are similar 😂 but she knows he isn’t awful and she does understand the situation just I feel bad for boyfriend being unexpectedly unable to go back to his original home and also bad for DD1 having to share her living space

He isn’t a pisstaker so he won’t just suddenly move in, he’s quite independent but it’s just bad timing, he cannot afford to support himself at uni and also find a temp place to stay back here during holidays. He has a job over the summer so would only be here the odd weekend or half term. DD2 goes to stay with him regularly at his uni

He has no dad and his mum has a mental illness and has given his bedroom away. They got made homeless 2 years ago so he came here for a while between temporary accommodations. He hasn’t had a good start in life but he is trying to build a career for himself by studying at uni. He has had such a shit unstable childhood. He is good to my DD and he’s very nice to all of us

The mother in me feels DD1 has a privilege this lad has never known by having a stable home, and kindness is free, she is bothered about the bathroom situation though