DD’s boyfriend staying with us

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My DD20 a long term boyfriend who is away at university. He is a lovely lad and comes from a bit of a shit background and he’s found out he has nowhere to live back home anymore.

I have always welcomed him into our home but my older DD22 is not happy about him staying with us. It would only be occasionally as he lives up at uni, he has a job and living accommodation there but obviously he has my DD20 and all his friends here during holidays or weekend breaks. My DD20 is upset for him and feels bad (it’s not his fault he has nowhere to stay here anymore) and has asked if he can come stay with us sometimes. He wouldn’t be moving all his stuff in.

I would do the same for DD22 if she needed help with something like this but she doesn’t want to share the house with a teenage lad. He is respectful, helpful and doesn’t cause any problems. I think DD22 just feels generally uncomfortable as we only have 1 main bathroom but DD20 and her BF just stay in their room most of the time or go out, so they aren’t invading the house.

Both my DD’s pay a small rent as they both work but they can’t afford to move out yet. DD20 will probably go off with boyfriend when he leaves uni as they plan to travel/work so she’s only going to be home another couple of years.

I just want everyone to be happy and can’t turn my back on a young lad who doesn’t have supportive parents it doesn’t feel right? WWYD?

he has a summer job with accommodation so he doesn’t need to move in his new place until the summer job has ended and the new term begins.

He would just be paying for an empty place in a city hundreds of miles away from our local area which doesn’t solve anything as that’s not the issue.

He isn’t homeless. I’ve not said he is, I’ve said he has nowhere local to us to stay.

His accommodation is very far away from his home town, the summer accommodation has a bit of a gap until he starts the job. I know he has the job, I helped him apply for it and we did his CV up nicely. He is a hard working lad. He just doesn’t have the family support. I don’t pay anything or give him money

I dunno if I’m getting confused, but the BF is your second daughters, DD20.
Your first daughter, DD22 also has a BF who occasionally stays over.. that’s alright and presumably she has to then share the bathroom with him, but it’s not ok for her younger sister to have her BF stay over and share the bathroom?!
if so, DD22 is 🤬 entitled and unfair, you can’t have one rule for her and another for DD20! DD22 needs to get over herself.

id also be the same as you - soppy 😂 couldn’t leave him “stranded” as such.

Your house so you invite who you like. If one dd doesn't like it she can get her own place can't she

OP, I can totally see where you're coming from. I have two teenage boys and when they're home, there is a raft of people coming and going. Sometimes I have as many as seven staying over (we also have one bathroom). Of course its not ideal for me but its their home and they are free to bring their friends, just as I'm free to have mine stay over.
Your eldest does seem inflexible and maybe this is something she needs to work on. I totally understand that you don't want to ride roughshod over her feelings so I think giving her time in the bathroom and asking them work around her routine is totally fair enough. Maybe this will help her see that boys are not so bad (!!). Out of all my sons' friends, its the girls who leave the bathroom a mess, not the boys :-D

I’d acknowledge your DD1s feelings and say you understand it’s her home and she wants to feel comfortable, then basically explain all you’ve said about helping someone who needs help and you would do the same for her, can she give it a try for you and her sister. It won’t be forever and they won’t encroach on her life

I think what uou are doing is wonderful.
The world would be a better place with more parents like you x

Sorry a bit random but as someone with a lot of autism in my family, especially in girls, I have noticed your eldest seems to have some of the traits especially as you describe her ridged routines. Have you considered this for her?

I think you sound like a wonderful mum. Supportive to both of your daughters and their partners, kind, empathetic. You seem to have gotten to know your daughter's boyfriend well and you trust that he is a decent person who just needs a helping hand for a few weeks. My daughter can be quite stubborn once her mind is made up on something, she's only 13 but I can imagine her reacting similarly to your dd22, but ultimately your decision is final. I think you have tried to accommodate everyone fairly, laying down rules and asking them to respect dd22s boundaries. I'm sure it will work out. Your daughter's will be eternally grateful to have a mum like you, you really do seem lovely. Wishing your dd20 and her boyfriend the best for their futures and their travel plans, it's lovely to see a young lad who hasn't had the best start try to make a better life for himself, and it sounds like you and your daughter really support him with that. Best of luck!

Yes. But unfortunately I did not get far with any help as she got older. She was very good at masking but really struggled in school. It was always turned back on my parenting and I was a younger mum and had a hard time advocating or pushing. She did get an assessment where they said she had symptoms of moderate ADHD but now she is older it fits more with high functioning ASD. She doesn’t want to go for any diagnostics after the ADHD initial assessment. I tried to get her help but she is quite oppositional from a very small child - pretty much from day dot, we had a lot of support from our health visitor but ASD in girls back then wasn’t really as well recognised and she was early verbal. Long story 😂 I could be here all day! She is lovely and I love her and she has come a long way since she left school and is holding down a job and a friendship. Her relationship with her boyfriend is not going well because she is so rigid and her friendships usually go wrong too sadly. Her sister my youngest tolerates her in short periods of time but they are not too close.

@ittakes2 she has a lot of traits that I suppose could be true of a lot of people like routine but her main one is not knowing when someone is losing interest in a conversation. She can’t read body language at all or facial expressions and struggles socialIy. She doesn’t really ask you questions she talks at you about things she likes. She gets really into fads and spends a lot of money on them. She is very anxious about small things. She doesn’t like sharing or doing anything spontaneously. She is very black/white and good/bad thinker

It's not her house so it is not actually her choice whether her DS's boyfriend stays or not. I agree one should not forever put oneself last, but she is only being asked to share a bathroom over the summer.

A way that might help your older daughter to get her head around it is same ground rules for all overnight guests - and work out what those might be.

eg. No more than one week at a time.

Always tell other people who live there first.

always lock bathroom door.

minimum of vest top and shorts level clothing outside of bedrooms.

bathroom left as found.

dishes all done before bedtime.

existing bathroom slots honoured.

Just some examples - and things that she has also used to (like having her boyfriend over to stay sometimes).

if she like’s predictability and rules then may help her get head round it.

Tell DD and BF you’ll give it a trial run and see how things go. All may be better than expected. If there’s too much chaos, you have your answer.

I’d allow him to stay. It’s not up to your DD. Young adults always have partners stay at the family home at some point do they not??? At least me and my brother did from 18+ I can’t imagine not letting my daughter have her partner stay over when she’s older.

5 adults sharing one bathroom? Sounds like a nightmare.

It also doesn't sound like a very big house.

The most I'd allow bf to stay over would be 2 or 3 weekends a month.

Might also be worth looking at "live in" jobs. Hospitality, care, agriculture, domestics, drivers, pet or house sitting. Or lorry driving.

Or if he rents accommodation for uni - Why can't they make more use of that? Why doesn't he get a summer job near uni to stay closer to the accommodation he is already paying for?

Don't really think mum is listening to other daughter, because she's just brushing her concerns aside and seems to feel more emotionally invested in bf than dd,

If all his friends are in your area, then why doesn’t he just stay with them?

Let him stay with you. Poor guy has obviously had it hard. It’s not ideal for DD1 but i feel it’s a pretty good lesson in the long run. She may find it uncomfortable but it’s short term and I think the world would be a much better place if we all did what we could for others. I would overrule DD1 here. He must feel pretty rubbish and unwanted already.

I think this is being made into more of an issue than is, perhaps clouded by the bf’s situation. Basically, both DDs will be having bfs stay over from time to time though one may be more /
for longer than the other.
Put a schedule in place for bathroom and give it a try - check in with each DD separately each week and take from there.

I must admit when i was younger (early 20's) my sister came back from a trip round Australia and had invited a load of travellers she met on route to come and stay at our house, so a few of them took up her offer - a couple arriving before she even got back to the UK! I found it very disconcerting having strangers habitating the kitchen/bathroom/living room whenever I emerged from the refuge of my bedroom, but put up with it as best I could, as I knew it was only temporary, though it felt a bit suffocating at times.

If DD1 is already familiar with the boyfriend (if not particularly keen on), and there are unlikely to be any other 'guests' arriving in relation to him then it would not be unreasonable for her to accomodate him, but maybe it's more about her not wanting to be seen by an outsider not looking her best in the morning? therefore not feeling relaxed in her own home - I must admit i feel the same whenever we have guests staying for just 1 or 2 nights, so I can empathise with her. Also, I wonder what kind of things did they clash over previously? were they petty or very important in her view? I would feel the same about someone staying in my home who I did not particularly like.

Difficult one this. Personally, I would have a full discussion with DD1 first about her concerns and try to reassure her accordingly if you can (if you haven't already done so) but, ultimately, if she insists she cannot abide that situation I wouldn't let him stay, as it's important she feels happy and comfortable in her own home. Both your daughters are your main priority, not the boyfriend, and although the relationship between DD2 and the boyfriend may be put under pressure if he cannot live with her, if it's meant to last I'm sure they will find a way to make it work.

There must be some support he can claim from government, given his difficult home life? Perhaps you can help him look into this and help him find alternative local accomodation like a friend's spare room which can be used adhoc? Good luck resolving this.

I would talk to her about going for a diagnosis again. My autistic daughter could not cope with sharing a bathroom with a someone not family - it would really unsettle her. There are lots of things I would do if she was less ridge - like offer more lifts etc but she gets sensory overload and I have to be careful of that.

I'd say it's you home. If you don't suspect that your older DD is uncomfortable for a particular reason due to past conduct, then it's your home and you can have who you like to stay. Your 22 year old can happily move out if she doesn't like the living arrangements. It's not like she's still at school.

We've had various friends live with us over the years - before we had kids, while they were little, and also much later in their teens. One for 2 weeks (she'd left her husband), one for a year (her life had fallen apart), my brother for 18 months (separation from his wife), and another friend for 6 weeks (made homeless by the university she was attending while sick).

Homelessness doesn't usually look like drug addicts sleeping in doorways. There is a huge hidden population of "sofa surfers" and they will sometimes be your friends and family. I feel compelled to help wherever I can, and honestly, we have gained as a family; the lovely friends who stayed with us are now more like family than just friends (one is an "aunty" to my eldest); and it was an opportunity to reconnect with my brother after a few very difficult years where his wife had isolated him from us.

Having said this - I can see how this isn't right for everyone. There were tensions over practical things like food and laundry. All of them stayed longer than expected. It's up to you to decide whether this young man and your family are currently a good fit for doing this (or a "good enough" fit that everyone can rub along OK most of the time).

Good luck!
x

"5 adults sharing one bathroom? Sounds like a nightmare.

It also doesn't sound like a very big house."

😯 Get thee back to Waitrose where thouest can be overheard!

5 adults sharing one bathroom would've been the norm back in the day - and the bathroom might not have even been in the house, nor exclusive to a single dwelling...

I've got a large house, but it's also a period house, so there is one small bathroom to 4 double bedrooms. We manage (4 adults plus the occasional boyfriend sleeping over)

Some people I know in social housing have 3 adults and a child in a 2 bed terraced house, with the front room used as a bedroom out of necessity and no second bathroom. This is how many people live.

Suck it up buttercup

Your house, do whatever feels right for you. If an adult child given the privilege of sticking around is not happy then they could look for their own place where they can make the rules.

I will fully support my children staying in their family home for as long as they need to ( to save for house deposit etc). But I will not be dictated to by adult children - about any aspect related to the home that will remain mine long after they have left and started their own families. Dd 22 is being ridiculous.