DD’s boyfriend staying with us

[Menora]

My DD20 a long term boyfriend who is away at university. He is a lovely lad and comes from a bit of a shit background and he’s found out he has nowhere to live back home anymore.

I have always welcomed him into our home but my older DD22 is not happy about him staying with us. It would only be occasionally as he lives up at uni, he has a job and living accommodation there but obviously he has my DD20 and all his friends here during holidays or weekend breaks. My DD20 is upset for him and feels bad (it’s not his fault he has nowhere to stay here anymore) and has asked if he can come stay with us sometimes. He wouldn’t be moving all his stuff in.

I would do the same for DD22 if she needed help with something like this but she doesn’t want to share the house with a teenage lad. He is respectful, helpful and doesn’t cause any problems. I think DD22 just feels generally uncomfortable as we only have 1 main bathroom but DD20 and her BF just stay in their room most of the time or go out, so they aren’t invading the house.

Both my DD’s pay a small rent as they both work but they can’t afford to move out yet. DD20 will probably go off with boyfriend when he leaves uni as they plan to travel/work so she’s only going to be home another couple of years.

I just want everyone to be happy and can’t turn my back on a young lad who doesn’t have supportive parents it doesn’t feel right? WWYD?

I think you need to find a balance, there is nothing that morally or ethically says we have to consistently and always put the needs of others first so I question anyone who says she is wrong as a woman to feel uncomfortable and put the fact that he is in this situation first. He should have other options and to rely on a girlfriend whom whilst it seems v serious may not last.

that said of course your daughter should be allowed to have him stay for weekends and other times as well

Am I missing something? He’s not homeless he’s got a home at uni. He doesnt need to move in with you and he wouldn’t be anyway because he lives and works elsewhere? It’s totally normal for uni students to not come back except for occasional weekend visits once they are settled at uni. Why make a big song and dance of him being “homeless” and having to “move in” and upset your other daughter when he can just remain as a welcome occasional guest who lives and works in another city?

Hmm I can completely understand why she wouldn't prefer it but yes tbh I agree with you OP - this is an instance where a comparatively small inconvenience to her would make a huge difference to someone else, so I would be a bit disappointed in her.

Presumably there's a lock etc on your bathroom? Tbh I think she's very privileged if at the age of 22 she's never had to share a bathroom with anyone outside her immediate family - did she not move out to go to uni herself? Either in halls or in a houseshare when friends had partners over? Never been on a cheap holiday and stayed in a hostel? Never worked or stayed somewhere with only 1 joint sex loo?

At the end of the day it's a bathroom -she can get changed in there if she doesn't want to walk back to her room in a towel, it's hardly a huge inconvenience for a few days. I doubt if the bf goes to use it and the door is locked he's going to hang around in the corridor waiting.

It would be different if she was younger than the bf and didn't have anywhere else to go herself but she is 22 - she's lucky to be living with you at a very reduced rent. Lots of people her age don't have that option. Similarly of course it would be different if there was any other backstory of SA or serious issues with this bf in particular (not just a personality clash) but that doesn't seem to be the case. As long as it isn't more than a week at a time and like you say the bf and dd keep themselves to themselves I would definitely want to let him stay in your shoes.

???? Where have you got the homeowner isn't keen for him to move in part from?
Him moving in permanently hasnt been suggested at any point - OP says it will be for a weekend or max half term (1 week) at a time...

OP is the homeowner and clearly IS okay with him staying for those short periods of time.

While I agree that "be kind" as a cover all phrase is overly simplistic, and is disproportionately expected of women, the idea of everyone prioritising themselves and not helping others out if it happens to inconvenience you in the slightest (which to be honest most favours or kindness do require to some extent) is also a bit bleak.

I agree she doesn't have to be happy with it - she's entitled to feel however she wants - but if it's her mothers house and the majority of the family are happy for him to be there that doesn't mean she gets to automatically override everyone else's wants with hers. In the same way as if OP decided to take a lodger or move a new partner in, or downsize or do a big renovation project...unfortunately as much as its "kind" to be consulted, until your name is on the lease/mortgage you don't get to make the decisions.

@easylikeasundaymorn I think I mixed up the OP with a later poster who had a child's boyfriend over when they would prefer they weren't there.
We're agreed, if the OP wants DD20s boyfriend to stay in her house it is her decision. However, DD22 can feel how she likes about it and act accordingly. I'm taking issue with the shaming going on and calling into question her ethics/morality. She said she wasn't happy about it and shouldn't be made to pretend otherwise.

He isn’t moving in, he would just be staying here instead of going back to his original home on weekends and holidays.

He isn’t homeless as he has accommodation at uni that is correct and I said that in the OP. My daughter goes to stay with him more than he comes here but uni breaks up soon and his summer job doesn’t start straight away, so there is a period where he doesn’t have access to the uni accommodation before he moves into the new one next term and he doesn’t have access to his previous family home either. I believe he is putting things into storage near uni for a couple of months.

he does not have access or funds for other accommodation if he returns home to visit over the next 2-3 years. He has been actually been homeless before and I helped him then.

I asked DD22 to empathise, she has never had to face an unstable home so I think worrying about a bathroom is a more trivial aspect of the balance of the two sides but I do understand sharing a bathroom with a boy grosses her out a bit. Our house isn’t massive. I think I need to lay down some rules with DD1 and BF.

She hasn’t lived with a man regularly. DD22 used to stay with her dad sometimes and she didn’t like that either much. She has a boyfriend and he does stay but not often

To answer how long.

He is giving up his uni accommodation in the next few weeks

he has a new place lined up end of summer

he has a job in summer that has accommodation included

however all of his friends and my DD live here so I would like to invite him to stay here occasionally

We have a similar situation, but DS’s girlfriend comes to stay, there’s 4 of us plus her with only one bathroom, so mornings are eventful. Older DS isn’t thrilled and to be honest, it’s not ideal, but they are saving up, both work, she lives with her family, but 5 hours away, so when she comes down, she stays for over a week.

@Menora

DD22 used to stay with her dad sometimes and she didn’t like that either much. She has a boyfriend and he does stay but not often.

If your older daughter has her boyfriend to stay over occasionally, why does she have such a problem with her younger sister's boyfriend also staying occasionally? Especially as he's in a poor situation, not of his making.

I'm assuming you'll have house rules for everyone, including DD2's boyfriend respecting your home, doing his share of chores, giving you some money towards food, etc (similar to your daughters), etc. 🌹

I would let him move in if that's what DD2 wants. Just be really sure she does and ask her away from him.

A DF was in a very similar situation and she instigated having the BF move in with them and her DD. Turns out the BG was quite abusive when they were alone together.

I'd explain to DD1 that you understand why she isn't happy, ask her if there's anything you don't know about the situation but say if it's simply the bathroom, he can move in and she welcome to help you fit locks to the bathroom door if that's what's needed.

I'd also look up on the Uni's website about Students who no longer have the support of their DPs. He may be eligible for longer in accommodation or Bursaries or both.

In theses circs I would tell DD2 she is being unfair and I would let DD2's boyfriend stay. It is not a permanent situation.

Does DD1 have a job?

Mmm... Unless eldest is a bit dramatic maybe there's more to this? Like they've got history, or he's made her uncomfortable at some point?

But at the end of the day, you're the boss, it's your house & you're the mum.

I think it sounds like DD22 is probably jealous of sister having a boyfriend.
Be firm with her, and say it’s your house and you will be letting him as you would do if she had a boyfriend.

Some pretty sh1tty people on this thread. Don't be kind, think only of yourself. Wtf.

It sounds like Dd1 is objecting to DD2 having her boyfriend over which seems unreasonable but if that’s the route you choose to go down then the same rule must apply to her.

Personally I’d let him stay but be clear it is only temporary and for the odd weekend and you are not offering him a permanent base in his hometown.

Well maybe you just have to have a rule for the bathroom in that he doesn't use it e.g. between 7 and 8 am? Would that work? He could stay in his room at the set times and your daughter can be free to use it. Otherwise I think she's incredibly privileged and being very selfish. I think you're being great with this boy. I really feel for him.

I don't think your daughter is wrong to protest, it's not nice having your living space invaded. In my experience no good deed goes unpunished, so just be careful about trying to be overly kind to this person who essentially you don't fully know. You only know what he is telling you.

your not helping dd20 - you are helping her boyfriend, who despite clearly deserving and might be lovely - I would tread very carefully if your DD22 has expressed her needs and you override them to help him.

if you only have one bathroom that is an issue plus I am guessing your house is on the small side. is her room next to her sisters?

also drill down into her objection - there could be a myriad of reasons why including he makes her feel uncomfortable for some reason she doesn't want to mention to her sister.

has your elder daughter got a boyfriend? Could she be envious?

I would let him stay with a view to him findya more permanent arrangement.

Sorry just seen she HAS got a bf. She’s being unreasonable isn’t she.

I thought the whole summer would be a bit too much, because I wouldn't want to encourage a situation where either of them feel they can't break up because he'd end up homeless.
As he has a job with accommodation lined up it sounds like a matter of a few weeks, so I'd allow it, subject to him being well mannered and clean and helpful.

It's your house so it's your decision. Your elder DD sounds a bit selfish so maybe it would do her good to be put out a bit.

My husband was made homeless by his parents while he was at university. He described staying in his halls of residence throughout the holidays but they closed on Christmas Day. He walked around the city all day and night to stay warm. Absolutely breaks my heart to think about. I wish he’d had a nice girlfriend whose parents could have offered him somewhere warm to stay.

It's the adults choice of course, but if one of your own kids felt uncomfortable you'd not want to make her feel uncomfortable in her own home surely?
Although the young lad does sound a good one! Maybe trial it for a while and see how it goes.

As he is no bother, will be between homes and no other options then let him stay.

Dd1 is allowed to rather not have him there but she will understand needs must and as there is a definite end date of him going back to uni she shouldn't be too bothered.