DD’s boyfriend staying with us

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My DD20 a long term boyfriend who is away at university. He is a lovely lad and comes from a bit of a shit background and he’s found out he has nowhere to live back home anymore.

I have always welcomed him into our home but my older DD22 is not happy about him staying with us. It would only be occasionally as he lives up at uni, he has a job and living accommodation there but obviously he has my DD20 and all his friends here during holidays or weekend breaks. My DD20 is upset for him and feels bad (it’s not his fault he has nowhere to stay here anymore) and has asked if he can come stay with us sometimes. He wouldn’t be moving all his stuff in.

I would do the same for DD22 if she needed help with something like this but she doesn’t want to share the house with a teenage lad. He is respectful, helpful and doesn’t cause any problems. I think DD22 just feels generally uncomfortable as we only have 1 main bathroom but DD20 and her BF just stay in their room most of the time or go out, so they aren’t invading the house.

Both my DD’s pay a small rent as they both work but they can’t afford to move out yet. DD20 will probably go off with boyfriend when he leaves uni as they plan to travel/work so she’s only going to be home another couple of years.

I just want everyone to be happy and can’t turn my back on a young lad who doesn’t have supportive parents it doesn’t feel right? WWYD?

It’s your house so it’s your call not DD22’s. It seems very self-centred on her part. She will have to get used to being around men at some point so it might as well be now.

Since your older DD has her boyfriend to stay sometimes, she's being unreasonable. Have you told her that if younger DD's boyfriend can't stay sometimes, neither can hers?

Perhaps your daughter can have an allotted hour in the morning or evening where it is agreed only she will be using the bathroom and to not be interrupted at those times. Perhaps buy her a very long summer dressing gown for her modesty?

And do the same for younger DD for when the older DD's boyfriend stays over. Fair's fair.

When i was dd1s age i might have had a self centred whinge, but I wouldn't have expected it not to happen just a "poor me" moan about it same way teens often do.

Honestly, I dont think it’s right that your dd1 has away on who stays in your house or not.

The stuff about being uncomfortable sharing a bathroom is 😵‍💫😵‍💫
I mean sharing bathroom is pretty common at her age - from Uni accomodation to shared student house. The fact she hasn’t had to do that yet is simply showing her privilege really. And the fact she hasn’t had to put up with living with others (yet).
The fact she is still living at home ‘because she can’t afford to move out’ is interesting there. Is that because she is refusing to houseshare, something a lot of graduates/22yo still do??

id like to also point out that you’re talking about a 20yo. This guy is not a teenager! So no excuse about ‘not wanting to live with a teen’ !
He is a nice guy, helpful. He isn’t taking advantage of your kindness. He is working and supporting himself fully.
I’d struggle to find a proper reason to say NO with him staying for a few weeks tbh.

Uni doesn’t last forever and a frightening amount of young graduates do not walk into a well paid job enabling them to rent/buy their own home. Are you prepared for this to be a long term arrangement?

But somehow, I’d suspect the dd1 never asked her sister if her bf staying was making her uncomfortable …..

There is uncomfortable and there is ‘having a strop because I don’t want my routine changed/having to make an effort’.

Unless there is a huge backstory the OP isn’t mentioning, there is no reason why the OP should say NO to her dd2 to protect her dd1 from something pretty innocent such as a LT boyfriend/partner staying over for a few weeks.
Sharing a bathroom will be her norm as soon as either of them moves out and wants to visit their parents.

@Toooldforthis36 thats not what the OP is talking about.
The lad has accomodation sorted for the summer and next year.

You can’t take decisions on potential issues arising in a year or two time.
The OP would be able to take her decision then on how suitable it would be. Regardless of the dd1 (who might have moved out with her own bf). And on a very different basis.

Oh no see this is what I couldn’t do. That’s so sad! I am a complete soppy twat like this. Even if he wasn’t with my DD anymore I would give him money for a hotel or something if it was Christmas.

I’m not going to worry about 2 years time as he is very resourceful and pretty motivated. Him and my DD want to go travelling they have talked about it for ages (she went without him but now wants to wait to go with him) and he has a fully chosen career path even if it’s not a lot of money big bucks, he is doing something you could find work and he loves it.

My DD1 is so possessive over the bathroom it drives us all crazy. She has a rigid routine

Ive told DD2 and BF that they need to work around DD1’s routine which will keep the peace.

however all of his friends and my DD live here so I would like to invite him to stay here occasionally

It wouldn’t be occasionally though would it?

It would be full time between the time he needs to move out to the time he needs to move into his other place.

Having someone staying over occasionally is a big difference to being there full time.

Will he be working full time?

I would be concerned for DD2 having another adult living in her home everyday for weeks (I think you’d find it difficult too).

But I would be mostly concerned for DD1 who has to live with her boyfriend full time and not get much space from him.

Hopefully if they are both working then it will be easier as they won’t be under each others skin so much.

You sound very kind OP and I would probably do the same as you but I think it will be a relief when he leaves.

@Trulyme he has a summer job with accommodation included lined up soon so it’s not weeks on end

A female friend of mine was taken in by her boyfriend’s Mum in very similar circumstances. She was eternally grateful. I think you are doing a good thing. Perhaps your other daughter could have an agreed bathroom time when she knows she can use it in peace. Would that help allay her misgivings?

What would happen if your daughter wants to break up with him? It's putting a lot of pressure on an early 20s relationship

I agree with TheGoddessFrigg. This isn't a question of boyfriend staying over because both want to, it's a question of need and that is going to make life impossible should the situation change between your daughter and her boyfriend, OP.

I like the suggestion of PP about asking around if any neighbours would temporarily rent-a-room out to the boyfriend. He should be paying something regardless, his girlfriend and her sister do so why not him? Why has he so readily agreed to his girlfriend 'asking Mum'?

It is a sad situation but it's also very easy for an arrangement to creep into something else and it's not just you in your home, OP. You have two daughters to consider, not just one.

Your eldest daughter's bathroom routine though - it's driving you mad now. I wouldn't allow that to continue. She has to consider the other people in the home also.

Don't allow your soft heart to put you in a position that you'll then be regretful of. Think it through from all angles and then make some rules for everybody - whether he moves in or not.

I think if he didn’t have my daughter he might not come back down as often anyway he would make it work up by uni in some way. I am trying to facilitate them being able to see each other, they are doing well having a long distance relationship I don’t really want to make that more difficult by being awkward. isn’t life already awkward

can honestly say I reckon my eldest would act pretty entitled if she was asking the same thing. She is not very flexible

That would be fine then.

It’s okay if it’s temporary but another adult living in the house can be difficult, especially if they’re there too long.

If you know he’s going soon, then it won’t be so bad.

So the issue IS DD22

She needs to realise that it's not all about her

I would definitely let the poor lad stay. It's not all the time, it's not indefinitely, he sounds like a good lad. Your older daughter will need to deal with it (I do sympathise with her though).

Why has he so readily agreed to his girlfriend 'asking Mum'?

And why not?
Why should he disagree on his gf/partner asking her parents if he can stay for a few weeks? Weeks, not months.

I dint get that attitude where no one should ever ask help from another family member and if they do it’s always because they want to abuse kindness.
Some people are decent you know. And not everyone is there to abuse of your kindness/help etc….
Plus the dd asking if he can stay over is hardly something so unusual that it’s not even thinkable to do so.

Everyone needs to grow up.

You OP, because you're clinging onto an adult DD who is starting to fledge.

DD 22 because if she doesn't want to share her home with other's guests okayed by her parents, then she needs to move out. There's no "can't afford" about it. She needs to look at what she can afford and choose from the available options. Or she needs to be grateful you're letting her stay in your house and stop trying to veto your choice of guests for no good reason, it's not as if the boyfriend is trouble.

Other DD because if she wants to play happy families she needs to go live with him. They have a place for university accommodation, either together or separately, and can stay there instead of coming "home" (it isn't, she's moved out) in the holidays.

Compromise - DD and BF come to stay for 2 weeks here and there, not for entire university holidays. Like any other moved-out relative and DP might come to visit. Or DD comes for university holidays and he just comes for the 2 weeks here and there. DD 22 gets a chat about freeloading, moving out and being grateful and stops acting the dictator. You aren't either of their flatmates, you're their parent, your home is not a democracy.

I have always welcomed him into our home but my older DD22 is not happy about him staying with us.

She's right. It's her house too. Tell him to get himself sorted.

I think your daughter is in "danger" of being used. He should be sorting his own life out. Not using her to be pathetic.

You sound too soft.

I am not sure how my daughter is in danger I would appreciate you elaborating on this?

My daughter has been travelling, working, seeing friends and her long term boyfriend lives many hours away. I think she would like him to stay with us so she can spend time with him. She pays rent too.

I don’t see the rush in anyone moving out. You don’t stop being a parent the moment they get a plastic no 18 key from Card Factory on their 18th birthday.

I don’t really believe in the house just being mine. It’s our family home where they grew up. Is it not their home where they live?

I’m so confused by some responses. I do understand that we all have different parenting styles but a tyrannical dictator isn’t mine.

My DD22 is pretty rigid in her thinking and this is its own issue. The boyfriend annoys her but I think it’s because DD2 and boyfriend are younger and she doesn’t see them as her peers. Shes not overly happy with sharing 1 bathroom but I don’t think that’s enough of a reason to turn him away when I let DD1’s boyfriend stay over occasionally

I will not be inviting him to move in I am not completely mad.

Your DD is lucky she doesn’t have a brother, cause then she’d be sharing a bathroom with unrelated teenage boys all the time when he had friends over.

I live in a city with several universities. Pretty much all students now sign up for accomodation from the end of May/start of June for 52 weeks after halls in y1.

I would be investigating if he does actually have digs sorted op.