Son moving away

[Concernemum]

My 22 yr old moved out of the family home in July to move in with his gf and her parents. Visits home have not happened very often. Now he has just dropped the bomb saying there moving to Brighton so she can go to uni. Have told him he always has a home here and doesn’t need to go with her but all am getting is but I want to. NOW before the “ he’s an adult “ posts start I know that but am hurting here big time

(I too wondered whether the girlfriend might be a boyfriend, though. The not wanting her to meet you and then the moving to the “Gay Capital of the UK” and all that.)

It's not a bad train journey down South really

Does the train now go across the Irish Sea?

To be fair I find it odd that you have not been introduced to his gf. I think that, as a mum, you have every right to tell him what worries you about the situation. Also to say you would feel better if you met her. That is all you can do. Then leave them to make their own mistakes or get on with their lives. It sounds to be like she is using him as a security blanket- doesn’t want to go to Brighton on her own. However sadly once she is there and meeting new people he might find he doesn’t fit into her new life and find himself redundant. Just let him know you are there for him whatever.

OP I'm wondering what hopes you had for your son because most parents do want to see their kids grow up and make lives of their own. What sort of future would you have chosen for him?

He's 22! My dc moved out at 20 & 16! Yes whilst studying they came back for holidays, one technically lives here but is usually at university, the other is deployed overseas in the military

This is very much one of those posts where I would like to hear the other side of the story.

I suspect the son’s side of the story is of escaping from a clingy mother who emotionally manipulates him by crying and talking about ‘not wanting to be here any more’ when he tries to break away and be independent. There is a reason a 22-year-old adult man has chosen to move away like this. If my mother was WhatsApping me all day and getting hysterical because I was moving to another town, I’d think she was mad.

It might not even happen, in another six months the plan might be completely different !
As a 22 year old, Brighton will be a lot of fun, yes it will be expensive, but you never have enough money when you are young !
You have already told him he has a home to come back to if things don't work out. Perhaps ask him if there is anything he needs for the move in a practical sense, like bedding or pots and pans etc or maybe suggest you could give them Ikea vouchers so they can buy stuff when they get there ?
If you talk about it in positive and practical ways, he is far more likely to keep communicating with you.

You need to let your son go and start to rebuild your own life.

I would love it if my kids were that close. My daughter moved to the United States when she was 22, and now, at 25 she's emigrated to Australia. She is planning on having babies soon, and I will hardly ever see my grandchildren. My son is also planning a move to Australia, as it suits his career and that of his girlfriend. You can presumably visit Brighton often!

His girlfriend will be meeting lots of new people if she starts a uni course - how do you know the relationship will last? He could be back! But he surely has to fly the nest sometime?

I'm sorry to hear you are so unwell, it's rotten all coming at once, but kids do grow up and leave home. And job-wise, it could be a wake-up call to get himself sorted out, maybe? Get well soon, OP.🌻

I can tell that you are very affected by this and I completely understand you being sad as I will be devastated when my dc move away. I’m already dreading ds going off to uni but seeing him so happy and excited for his next chapter is what’s getting me through.

Your ds is 22 years old. He’s an adult and has to make his own choices and his own mistakes. He’s been living with his partner for 6 months now, it was likely always going to become more permanent. The only big change is that it’s further away that you would have liked.

I got engaged at 21 to someone I’d only been seeing for 3 months. My dm wasn’t 100% comfortable but she was outwardly supportive while making sure I knew that I could always call off the wedding and come home if anything changed. I didn’t but I’ve been happily married for over 20 years. I understand your concern but this might end up being the best thing to happen to your ds. It seems as though he could do with a bit more direction and having to stand on his own two feet could be the best motivation. I’d advise you to wish them both well and take a huge step back if you want your relationship to improve.

But this is all part of growing up isn't it? Surely you must have known this would come one day?

I do feel for you OP but there are a couple of red flags that I think we’re missing. He moved in with her quickly and told you by text message, and you haven’t met his girlfriend or his family. He’s actively distancing himself from you. This doesn’t normally happen for no reason.

Can you think of any reasons why he might not want you involved in his life? It could be that he’s just so infatuated with his girlfriend, but it also could be that perhaps he feels stifled by you? Or perhaps, without realising, you’ve reacted badly to choices he’s made int he past and now he just doesn’t involve you in them?

With regards to finding new friends in Brighton I am positive he will do. It’s well known as one of the friendliest places in Britain. And why would he not get a job? I’m assuming he didn’t go to university. There’s no judgement in my question, but why? Did he just not want to or did you perhaps (even subconsciously) encourage him not to?

Sorry OP that you feel so sad about your boy moving on with his life. It can feel like you've been left behind. After all the hard work of bringing them into the world and bringing them up, it feels like a slap in the face doesn't it. I have a DS 21 so experienced similar feelings to yours.

As others have suggested on here, is it possible that the girlfriend is in fact, a boyfriend and he's worried about telling you?

Please don't do what my DM did with my DB. All the whatsapping, the constant worrying about what he's doing (or not doing) with his life was deemed to be 'too much interfering' and as a result my DB has gone NC. There is literally no relationship between the 2 of them now. Despite her anguish over this, she refuses to believe her behaviour towards him was wrong and that she was entirely to blame; she pushed him away with her obsessiveness over his life.

I really do mean this kindly OP, there is parental caring/guidance and then there's controlling and interfering; be careful you don't merge the two as the affect it's had on my DM has been truly awful. I do hope your DS can see that you are only looking out for him, just like any parent should and has the decency to talk things through with you properly.

Don't speak to people like this! How incredibly rude and unneccessary. I've done a rare thing and reported your post because it really cheapens Mumsnet to host foul comments like this.

Why don't you suggest he looks into doing a course at the same uni while he is there @Concernemum ? That could be really good for him.

This is 100% about you and you are kidding yourself that it is about concern for your son. You’re worried about yourself. Let him go experience the world, let him make mistakes and correct them. You don’t want him stuck in a small town at home out of guilt, with a sad depressed mum. That’s selfish. Enjoy being a spectator of what will hopefully be an exciting life for him.
Don’t make your child’s life smaller than it should be. I fully expect to be getting the odd update, from a random corner of the world, from my kids when I’m old.

He’s in the prime of his life.

Push him put the door, tell him to grab life, take every opportunity, chase his dreams, take risks, and have loads of fun whilst he’s young! Time passes so quickly.

Wish him luck and she’s a year when he can’t see you. Of course you will miss him but you can’t hang on to him. He isn’t a child anymore.

It sounds like there's way more to this story than what you've posted. He moves out and lets you know by text, doesn't want to meet up and hasn't introduced you to the gf who he lives with and is moving away with. That isn't how a son who has a healthy relationship with his parent acts and it sounds like you two may have different perceptions on how you get along.

What you've posted sounds really possessive and over the top, to say you don't want to be here anymore because he's moving out, at a perfectly natural age is concerning and puts an awful lot of preassure on him. I think maybe in real life you might be even worse. You need to chill and leave him alone or the relationship is just going to deteriorate further. It doesn't seem like he particularly wants to have one with you atm.

There is a good chance this relationship won't last anyway especially if she's going to Uni and he hasn't trained in anything and has no job lined up to go to (does he have one now?). Maybe the lass is horrified that he plans to follow her to Brighton. This 22 yo has always lived at home, now lives with gf's parents and is latching on to a young woman starting out in life. Sounds like a real catch.

OK. Are you completely on your own, other than your son? Can you think about some activities/societies you might be able to join with, to make new friends, or keep busy? I know this sounds trite, but he was going to start living his own life at some point.
I am close to my family, but left at 17, for Uni, then moved to NZ alone, when I graduated, at 21. I haven't ever lived 'at home' for more than 6 weeks, since I was 17, but I see my parents regularly - either online, or in person. Can you make it that your son would feel welcome to come home, or have you visit?

A salutary tale - when I was going to NZ, one of my Mum's friends said 'don't let her go; she's too young'. My Mum was obviously super sad not to be seeing me, but I was away for 3.5 years in total, and had them visit twice. If she'd tried to stop me, I wouldn't have the relationship with her, that I do.

This!!!

Also, it does sound like your relationship with your son wasn’t perfect before ‘this girl’. Apologies if I am mistaken. Were you two close in the past? Why has he never been going out with friends or have a drivers license? What were your hopes for him at 22? I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound very independent to me.

@Concernemum This ^

Brighton is a great place for young people and he will almost certainly be able to get a job.
Many young people his age go off to the other side of the world for uni, jobs and travel. He's only going across the pond.
Wish them well and if it goes tits up he knows he has a home to come back to.
For yourself, look on it as an opportunity to go and visit and do a bit of travelling yourself.
You have to question yourself too, as to why your social life is non-existent? Find a new hobby, join some groups? Do you have a husband and other children? If you're suffering menopause symptoms, go and see a doctor and maybe get on HRT.
You seem to be leaning quite heavily on your son to cover gaps in your own life that a twenty two year old will not be able to do and shouldn't have to.
You have literally scared him away.

https://www.brighton.ac.uk/search/index.aspx/courses?search_keywords=Foundation+year

https://www.sussex.ac.uk/study/subjects/foundation-years/undergraduate

Here are all the courses for both unis in Brighton with foundation years, which he should be able to access with just As levels.

Sounds like the move could be good for his independence, but he needs to be doing something to improve his own life too. Studying together might bring them closer together and it increases his chances of having friends, a social life outside of his girlfriend. Less chance of resentment on both sides too. If she can access a student loan from NI I assume he can too?

If she gets on with her life and succeeds and he stays in the same circumstances there’s every chance she may want to get shot of him in 4 years time.

He should be looking at employment and apprenticeship opportunities too although apprenticeships may not pay him enough to live off of.

And please encourage him in the meantime to pass his driving test! Sounds like a difficult time for you both, let him fly and your relationship should improve as he gets older.